the-clutter-box-blog

[the-clutter-box-blog]

xvii

Recently, My Dad has been telling me Good Morning. It was Consistent. Just Good Mornings. 

Just. Plain. Consistent. Good. Mornings.

 this is a big deal, that I just brush off.

Feel. Accept. Move on. 

those are the Mantra for the Negative Energy that tries to evade me. 

[the-clutter-box-blog]

I

I have this constant fear of being not good enough, that when I do something, it’s either I do it best or not do it at all. I always struggle to have the best results, but at the end of the day, I deliver it badly. I wish I could’ve told my parents, friends or even my s/o this, but I can’t. how come I can write poetry, yet can't seem to finish my dissertation. It was a cycle of doing it, looking at it and then doing nothing. I would spend my days glued on my phone scrolling through social media, spend my days looking for something to arrange inside my room. Gusto ko lang talagang matap[os yung thesis ko, I dream of having my graduating picture taken. Of grazing into the stage of PICC with my Black with red & gold toga. Sobrang pressured ko na kase i can’t seem to make it right, I can’t do it right. Tinatanong ko yung sarili ko, ano pa yung kulang. Kase I have everything I need and the 3k my mom shells out every time I almost defended my thesis isn’t a joke. But, It seems like my life is a joke. Iniiisip ko kung mali ba tong ginagawa ko, mali ba na Psychiatric facility yung ginawa ko, it’s not that i’m not interested in doing so, kaya ko nga to ginawa eh. pero lagi nalang di ko alam kung tama yung ginagawa ko. Tignan mo dito ang dami dami kong nasasabi, pero pag gumagawa na ko ng thesis putangina, nga nga. It makes me feel so bad. wala kong matapos wala. gusto ko na matapos,.