the-coping-dragon

[the-coping-dragon]

It's not fair, that I have to hug an empty shirt. I miss the one who wore it, whose scent still clings to it 7 years later. Do they even make your soap, your laundry detergent, your cologne anymore? Is this the last I have of you? Its cold and collapses into a tiny heap of fabric clutched to my chest. I miss you. I miss your warmth. I miss your mass. I miss your soul. I miss you. I miss you so, so much. It's not fair that death comes for us all. It's not fair that you're gone and I'm here holding an empty shirt, trying not to wash the smell away with my tears. Why is life like this? Why do we die? Why does the universe craft such beautiful warm souls, and then let them wither and blow away? I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I miss you.

[the-coping-dragon]

That's a big boy right here. Vent post I did a while ago, finally felt the courage to post it I hope it'll reach the people who needed to read this. Edit: Took my sweet time to do it, because I kept forgetting- But the original comic that inspired this one has been found! Thank you very much!

[the-coping-dragon]

growing up autistic / growing up gaslit

I.

this is the first lesson you learn: you are always wrong.

there is no electric hum buzzing through the air. there is no stinging bite to the sweetness of the mango. there is no bitter metallic tang to the water.

there is no cruelty in their laughter, no ambiguity in the instructions, no reason to be upset. there is no bitter aftertaste to your sweet tea, nothing scratchy about your blanket.

the lamps glow steadily. they do not falter.

II.

this is the second lesson you learn: you are never right.

you are childish, gullible, overly prone to tears. you are pedantic, combative, deliberately obtuse. you are lazy, unreliable, never on time.

you’re always making up excuses, rudely interrupting, stepping on people’s shoes. you’re always trying to get attention, never thinking about anyone else, selfish through and through.

it’s you that’s the problem. the lamps are fine.

III.

this is the third lesson you learn: you must always give in.

mother knows best. father knows best. doctor knows best. teacher knows best. this is the proper path. do not go astray.

listen to your elders, respect your betters, accept what’s given to you as your due. bow to the wisdom of experience, the education of the professional, the clarity of an external point of view.

what do you know about lamps, anyway?

[the-coping-dragon]

Aftercare, 2015; carving in soap “WHAT HE DID DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE”

[the-coping-dragon]

Emily Dickinson, from her poem titled "1188," featured in The Emergency Poet

[the-coping-dragon]

Please tell me other people can relate I’m having a crisis

[the-coping-dragon]

for 23 years now

[the-coping-dragon]

I've been working to make a headmate-safe brain lately, doing my best to not feel upset when someone new comes out, because I've been analyzing my life and realizing that I functioned best when I embraced my DID and let myself have like 20 headmates. So I've also been thinking about recurring headmates I've had, or ones I had for a very long time.

And I've also been thinking about growing up LGBT and how I learned to keep my sexuality buried deep, out of fear of isolation and rejection (which would have hurt me) but also out of fear that my sexuality would hurt others, like making my friends feel unsafe around me or something.

Anyways I JUST remembered I was like, 12, when I designed a "program" to run in my brain, and named him Eric (bc it's similar to the word Edit, was my logic back then, though in retrospect that's a fun instance of my transgender stuff shining though) and his entire job was to constantly watch everything I said and did to make sure I never gave myself away. He made sure I never did anything too queer, and never said anything too queer, and was the one who'd change all the "she"s to "he"s when I was talking about my crushes and hiding that they were crushes on girls.

I eventually expanded his function to hide other things, and eventually to help mask the autism and to socialize more normally. Which kinda sucks because I'd like to try to unlearn a lot of the queer fear and shame, but that's going to be hard if it's tangled up with a headmate who's still performing vital functions.

Hmmm....then again, maybe I should unlearn those other things too. Not forever--masking is a skill I can't afford to let go. But, it would be nice to learn to, like, stop wasting so much energy and stress into the task of "exist correctly." I absolutely struggle to relax and exist even when I'm alone, so, it could be good to work with, uh, Eric.

...........I don't think Eric is a full headmate. Then again, last time I said that about a headmate, they felt rejected and hid from me and let me believe it, and I didn't know otherwise until another headmate was like "What do you mean, Autumn isn't a person? They're a person. You just don't want them to be, because you're scared of the implications of having an incredibly openly queer headmate who has no instinct to hide."

Huh. That example was far more relevant than I realized it would be.

It's interesting how many of my headmates seem to come in pairs, or have some sort of duality as part of their identity. I guess it makes sense that if your brain creates faucets to cope, the faucets would possibly have their own faucets.

Well, my main complaint with "Eric," whether they are or aren't a full headmate (or if they're, like, a part of another headmate) is just that their name seems completely ridiculous because it's so NORMAL. All of us have super cool names that fit our personalities in unique ways, so, having a headmate named Eric would feel like there was just A Guy up there. I guess that was his purpose, in a way. Hm. Okay, if he's a headmate, he can stay Eric if he wants lol.

[the-coping-dragon]

[the-coping-dragon]

>.< Healthcare is so STUPID, I hate everything, I hate the entire system. I finally got approved for the other health insurance which means I can afford the surgery I need, but my old physical therapist isn't in network. I like her *so much.* She's been helping me recover from whatever is wrong with my hip, helping me recover from the six months it hurt while I was working at a job that had lured me in with the possibility to get insurance through them only to change their minds, helping me recover from a lifetime of injuries I couldn't afford to get help with until now, and suddenly I can't see her anymore.

I didn't even get to say goodbye. I can pay out of pocket, $100, to say goodbye, and wrap up my care with her. I hate everything about dealing with insurance. I hate having to pick between a rock and a hard place, between my wonderful physical therapist and the surgeries I need. This is so stupid and I hate everything right now and Im so fucking tired and I'm going to drink chocolate milk and cry for a while and then go back to bed.

[the-coping-dragon]

Hmmmmmm... I think the concept of emotional granularity, specifically the "use specific and nuanced words for your emotions so you understand them and understand yourself," can be applied to a non-verbal way of thinking. I believe the initial idea was that autistic people struggle to identify emotions because we struggle with language. While a low vocabulary can contribute to low emotional granularity, I don't think it's a guarantee--not when there are other methods of thinking. You can achieve higher granularity by studying an emotion, and changing its label from "sad" to "grief over specific things, and frustration at lack of control," I think you can achieve this granularity without words at all. People like me do not typically think using words. We think in concepts. The benefit of thinking in words is that it can be easier because it turns concepts into models, which are approximations with less data, more flexibility, and greater application. However, since the purpose of granularity is to achieve greater specificity and nuance, concept-based thinking now has a very obvious benefit: while it's still definitely a model (since you cannot replicate anything perfectly, and every attempt is inherently deeply and profoundly flawed to various degrees), it is more specific, with less flexibility or innate error, and is mostly freed of verbal bias.

[the-coping-dragon]

So...I've been scared about it, but I've been trying to lose a little weight. I've been scared because I spent all of high school under 95lb and only ever got above 100lb after I moved out on my own. Living on my own, most of my health issues vanished, which was an indication of how stressful it has been to live at home. And I got up to about 115lb! I'm sure that helped with some of the health issues, like my hypoglycemia and my fainting. I also finally had a partner to loan me the body-positivity to not freak out about getting over 100lb.

So trying to *lose* weight is scary. I just associate it with the times I'd get really sick in high school and lose 10lb in a week. But I *am* 180lb now, so, I'll be okay if I lose 10lb. I won't end up frail and weak and prone to passing out. Not necessarily. I guess if I lose weight in a really unhealthy way, then of course I'd end up being less healthy.

But so far I've been doing *really* well. I don't actually have a scale to weigh myself so I'm kinda going off of "how tight do I need to wear my belt for my pants to stay up," which seems better than measuring weight, since that doesn't account for the increased weight from muscle gain. I've already gone back 1-2 notches on the belt--im at the skinniest notch now, so I guess I need a new one.

What have I been doing to lose weight? Well...a very small amount of exercise, and eating more. And drinking more soda and milk. I have such a hard time getting enough food and fluids because of ADHD. I've been working harder to eat at least 3 meals a day, and letting myself have a soda or two when I can't bring myself to drink anything else. And it's been helping. My hip feels better lately too. "Drink a second soda, it's good for you" isn't advice I've ever heard, but it turns out that it is better than chronic dehydration. I haven't been eating incredibly healthy either. I do love vegetables so I do eat them happily, but most of my increased food intake has been pasta and, uh, cake because someone made me one and I wasn't *not* going to eat a delicious cake made for me with love!

I am relearning to trust my body. My body did work best at about 150lb, so I think that's a decent high-effort goal. A more reasonable one is to maybe get to 170lb. It's hard to judge health by weight when you're gaining muscle, but I do think my joints would hurt less if I was a little lighter. And I'm relearning that my body can take care of itself, and doesn't need me to micromanage so strictly about what I'm eating and drinking. If I'm hungry, I should eat. My body knows when it needs food. It's true that I have a tendency to eat when I'm stressed, but I have an equally strong--if not stronger--tendency to *not* eat when I'm stressed, especially because ADHD makes it easy to forget. So I should eat at least 3 meals a day, especially if I'm hungry, and also even if I'm not hungry. Even a little food is good. Even if it's one of the instant-pasta packs I'm relearning to make. Is pasta "healthy?" I mean, it's lacking in nutrients, protein, and other things, but... A body needs calories. A brain needs calories. My body clearly builds up fat storages to prepare for low-calorie periods. So if I prove to it that we aren't starving, maybe it will let go of some of the fat stores. If I prove that it doesn't need so much stored energy and nutrients, maybe it'll agree with me that our joints will work better if we were a little lighter.

I'm being very gentle and careful about it. I'm still scared. Half of my family is prone to being a little fat, and the other half is prone to being thin as a skeleton. I'm scared of ending up at 85lb again. That was too thin for my body to function properly. I look back on photos and I was always the thinnest person in the room, almost skeletal, almost a little scary looking. And I had so many health issues that went away when I gained a little weight. I never had a doctor recommend gaining weight for any of them--i don't think doctors appreciate the health benefits of fat. But I do! I really do. I don't want to be thin, really. There's a part of me that echoes the messages from society, secretly wishing I was 85lb again so I never had to deal with fatphobia, but...that is a ghoulish voice in my head making a ghoulish request. I don't want to be that thin. I don't want to be below 115lb, for *sure.* 120, 125, those were okay. 130, 140, those were fine. 150, 160, I was at my peak health at those, to be honest. I was walking over 10km a day and lifting 20-40lb boxes for work. 150, 160, those were healthy weights for me. My mom didn't think so. But my mom isn't in my body and doesn't know how it feels to be me and weigh 150. That wasn't too much for me. 160 wasn't too much. 170...is a little heavy for me. And 180 is, too.

Eating regularly, getting enough "water," even in the form of soda, and doing a little exercise--that's making a difference. I'm feeling a little better. I'll keep it up. I'll try to swap the soda for something healthier, though. That is a lot of sugar lol and not in a very healthy form. It's a shame my autism hates water, and prefers very strong flavors. It's hard to get a strong flavor in a drink without sugar. Maybe I can at least transition to some juice. Though according to one doctor I used to see, pickle juice is better than fruit juice. Idiot.

Any doctor who discourages me from drinking anything is a very questionable doctor. I have such a hard time drinking anything at all. In college, I used to live off 1-2 cups of coffee in the morning, and maybe a couple sips of something in the afternoon. I was trying very hard to not drink soda or milk or juice because I figured those were "unhealthy." But I couldn't bring myself to drink water. Id put the water to my lips and force myself to drink until I was nauseous and gagging, and then I'd look at my cup/bottle and realize I'd barely managed to take a sip. Water is just gross to me. I used to manage to drink a cup every few weeks, but I haven't managed that in...years. Honestly, the only time I *can* tolerate drinking water is during sex lol. It's the only time I'm distracted enough to not be bothered by the flavor, and motivated enough to drink as much as I need.

So! That's how that's all been going. I'm losing some of my belly fat, which is making me happy, which is making me worried, but I'm doing it anyways to be brave, and being careful not to overdo it--and, also, my methods involve eating more and drinking more, so they feel pretty safe!

[the-coping-dragon]

Okay it's REALLY annoying to get a "Happy Birthday! Best wishes from everyone here!" email from my health insurance that covers no more than 50% of any surgery. Like thanks, can I have a surgery as a birthday gift? One of the two I kinda need? Can you pay for my healthcare since you are the health insurance I pay to do that? No? Lol. Okay.

[the-coping-dragon]

Its hard to find happiness, and let yourself feel it, when you feel like you are in the middle of a bloody battlefield, watching everyone you love succumb to dangers you can't fight.

But you have to find it and feel it anyways. You have to learn the threshold where you can tolerate the horrors to find happiness. It only gets more complicated from there, as you must learn to foster a healthy environment, not just for yourself but for others. But first you must hone the skill of feeling joy and hope. These need to precede all other attempts to emotionally cope with the horrors. You must learn to feel these things without needing to isolate yourself or shut everything out. You must learn to relax, to set aside time to guarantee you are safe even if only for a moment, and to find happiness.

[the-coping-dragon]

I think its hard to pursue happiness when we are sad because it reminds us that happiness isn't being provided. This isn't saying we are too lazy to find our own joy, but that we live in a world that prioritizes CEOs over our own basic needs, much less our own happiness. It's hard to pursue happiness because we are tired and want to rest, and because its scary to think about how scarce happiness must be if we can fail to find it chronically, and because we grow sick of searching for joy while also enduring the horrors. It hurts to have our pains dismissed and unhelped, and yet there is no other way to find joy in a world of endless pain. It makes us feel hopeless and unloved.

[the-coping-dragon]

How do other people cope? Is everyone as broken as I am? Surely some have found a way to make life meaningful and worthwhile. I am weighed down by the horrors of the world. Is there a way to flourish despite the horrors? Is our best chance to simply find moments where the horrors are quieter and we can forget about them for a small while? Is there contentment to be found? Does wisdom help? How can anything help, except to stop the horrors? I wish I knew how to make the world better. I wish I could protect people from suffering. It's so incomprehensible, to be a member of a species with 8 billion individuals. I wish there was a way to structure society so we could all truly be born equals and have our needs met. How hard could it be? To not judge someone based on their physical appearance or birth, and to provide someone with the means to survive? We manage it, somewhat. Every generation is proof that the last was capable of altruism, in at least some small way. There are endless examples proving that we are capable of kindness and community. Humanity has much capacity for love and understanding and support. I wish our society was structured around those things. I wish it were easier to live.

[the-coping-dragon]

It feels intrinsically human, to be traumatized, to fear death, to fear powerlessness. If I ever feel bad about coping with pleasant things--food, sex, stories--i can always take comfort that I didn't resort to acting like a billionaire.