the-dropout

[the-dropout]

i really thought i had it this time

thats it really. another semester came around and i could finally be there in person and i could finally do things as normally as currently possible but here i am again, activley failing, doing nothing. whats wrong with me?

im convinced people like me were made to be lion-meat and i’ve accidentally ended up in the future somehow, born to die with nothing to kill me but myself. theres no lions here, only emails. i went to the doctors and they ran all the tests and they found that there is nothing physically wrong with me. that annoyed me because it would be so easy if it was physical and i could point at it and they could just put me under and cut it out. but no, im fucked in the head and im just making it all up and its in my brain and it wont just cut it out for one second!

i wrote a note. like a suicide one. im not gonna Do It, i just felt like it. i feel like telling someone but i dont want to freak anyone out, so im just putting it in here as an aside. anyway i have my first appointment with the university counsellor on monday so dont worry. i mean its not my very first time with a counsellor, i did some sessions last semester but they got cut off by the end of the semester. its also not my first time getting an appointment, i missed my actual first one last monday because i was asleep. they cant give me any medication or anything because theyre not “Official” or something. i tried the NHS first but the waiting list im on is about 9 months long and apparently the service is a bit shit anyway. cool.

anyway christmas is coming up and i dont know what i want. i dont know what to get anyone else either. its supposed to be fun but honestly it just feels like another deadline. not that my work ends for christmas, im going to be failing to work well into the new year.

my current surroundings for posterity: flat bedroom with the orange strip lights on and only half my posters up. its actually the middle of the day but the blinds are firmly shut so it might as well be night. on my desk there is: 2 diet pepsi cans(empty), 1 pack of cookies(empty), 1/2 pack of crackers, 1 pack of peanuts(unopened), 1 calculator, 1 phone(charging on broken charger) and 1 half-full glass(dirty).

[the-dropout]

sick and tired

i forgot about you, sorry about that. i've been forgetting about a lot things. much more important things than my melodramatic internal monologue i sometimes throw on here. i barely talk to most of my friends, i have bills that i keep putting off paying and work that i keep putting off doing. the only communication i’ve been keeping up reliably are emails to my university begging for help with and extensions on assessment deadlines.

since its been a while i looked back and read all the shit ive posted and nothing has changed. deadlines have been making me completley miserable since mid-2020 and its only gonna get worse as i move into my final years at uni (which as a side note have been completely wasted by covid keeping life locked down). it just doesnt get any easier, does it? fuck! fuck!!!!! i want to work and do well in life but im honestly really close to just giving up. i keep imagining getting some low pay job and living in a shitty flat with a flatscreen and just smoking weed and consuming art and shitty media until i die. i cant even be fucked writing this fucking bullshit emo self-indulgent self-laceration anymore. im just sick and tired. fuck this.

[the-dropout]

why is it so hard to say i love you

this isnt a song its just what im thinking. my cat loves the back garden, i think it’s his happy place. it’s where he’s the most friendly and comfortable to relax anywhere and it makes me really happy to see him having a good time. i couldnt sit with him today like i normally like to do bc the grass was wet so i just kinda walked around with him. it was during this walk i noticed how grey his hair is. i think thats what started this off. everyone i love will die and thats so fucking scary i cant move sometimes. theres no way my cat will really know what he means to me because hes just a cat and he doesnt know much but fuck man hes been my friend since day one and i cant even let him know. Later I watched that scene from the midnight gospel where his terminally ill mum and him have a very open and raw conversation about her approaching death. I cried a bit. My mum had cancer. She survived but the idea of her dying scares me so fucking much. Shes so fucking strong man she kept as much of it as downplayed as possible so as to not scare me. But I still remember hearing her vomit on the other side of that apartment and ever since I’ve developed a somewhat controlling phobia of vomiting. This is not her fault. My mum is the strongest woman I know and I love her. I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to say that to her face though. The same for my dad. The same for my grandparents too. I wish i knew how to tell them what they meant to me but i can’t even tell them what music i like im so scared of criticism from my family. This sucks. I really just need to get it out of my system because its hurting me right now. Even if i can’t tell them directly I just want to let the universe know. Both Grandmas I love you so much and both Grandads I love you so much and Dad i fucking love you and Mum I fucking love you. I fucking love you all so much. I wish i could tell you directly. fuck! Why is it so hard to say I love you?

[the-dropout]

colossus

today started off with my brother throwing water on me and all over my room. he wanted me to walk the dog as he had walked him the past couple of days. i would have done it if he had just asked and explained himself. but no. i get cold water. and to think i thought we were getting somewhere. he spent his teenage years bullying me and the only thing thats changed is how acceptable my parents find it. but apparently even thats barely changed. my dad chuckled at my brother, told me i was being dramatic and said that if i dont take the dog out tomorrow hes gonna lose all trust in me. this is days after telling me to drop out of uni because i dont have what it takes. fuck this house. these posts are seeming to take the theme of whatever song im listening to right as im writing them. right now im listening to colossus by idles. heres a few lines: they laugh at me when i run. i waste away for fun. i am my fathers son, his shadow weighs a ton. halfway through writing this i felt dramatic so i double checked psychology websites and yea negative feelings are real as fuck regardless of their context. like im so thankful to my parents for raising me in a nice part of the world but also they didnt choose to raise me specifically, they chose to raise whatever children they had. the fact that im lucky enough to be on the one they raised is just a complete cosmic accident. what isnt an accident is how my dad reacts when i tell them i feel unhappy because of my the way my brother treated me.

so yea im sensitive but you think i chose that shit? it would be so much easier if i had no feelings and could just be unaffected by everything. but even the tin man got a heart in the end and you cant choose how your heart sees things. you can only choose how you react to that.

my uni assignments are due in just over a week and this just really doesn’t help. i haven’t eaten today. i miss my girlfriend. i miss my freedom. bye

[the-dropout]

sunglasses

my brother came home today. i haven’t seen him in months. he told me about how all the tunnels entering switzerland are lined with bombs so that if they're being attacked, they can shut themselves off from the world. i feel like theres some shitty poetry in him telling me this at this time in my life, but i wont pursue the idea any further. me and brother have a weird relationship; we were best buds as children but as we grew older he went from liking me to bullying me and eventually into ignoring me entirely. recently hes been trying to change that by opening up conversations and being a lot more friendly to me then hes been in over a decade. i respect him a lot more for this. he is a good person. i wonder if him trying to bridge this gap will help me bridge the gap with the rest of my family. recently he showed me the song Sunglasses by Black Country, New Road. theres no relevance to me in the songs lyrics its just a really fucking good song. they’re playing at primavera sound 2021 and i hope im going to see it live.

[the-dropout]

something soon

i’ve needed something anonymous for a while. it’s only now that i’m stressed out beyond belief and feeling more disconnected than ever that i’ve actually given enough fucks to do it. this blog is gonna be a kinda diary-esque for me to post whatever the fuck i feel like. i don’t have an actual diary because im too lazy to physically write anything and the world is ending so i can’t leave my fucking house. right now it is 2:01 in the morning and im putting off my assignments to be emo on tumblr instead. currently listening to something soon by car seat headrest. the lyrics describe my feelings more than this post ever will. heres part of the chorus: HEAVY BOOTS ON MY THROAT. I NEED SOMETHING SOON, I NEED SOMETHING SOON, I CAN’T TALK TO MY FOLKS. I NEED SOMETHING SOON, I NEED SOMETHING SOON.

so yea hi future me, even while writing this first post im afraid you’ll laugh about how small my problems must seem given the time to escape from them but trust me right now they’re covering every fucking wall in this disgusting fucking green room. but i love you anyway and i know you’ll become better than me or die trying. i hope you found something soon.