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[the-journal-ritual]

2/15/2023

Another morning entry. I made some progress yesterday, but not enough. The days are getting away from me. I need to buckle down and just get the job done. I know from my own history that once I get it rolling, I’ll make good progress. But breaking the seal is such a struggle right now.

If I’m smart, I’ll get the outlines of at least the next two books done before I start. The better for foreshadowing. But if it comes down to it, one is enough. I just need to not be foolish enough to start without an outline. That would get nothing but a meandering over-long mess of a book that would require hardcore revision.

The characters are fun, though. I feel like there’s good intrigue to the plot. Just gotta find the elephant in the marble. It’s in there somewhere.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-14-2023

Today is Valentine’s Day. This day has never had any real  meaning for me. I have never had anyone to buy something for or make something for on Valentine’s Day. And unlike the popular depiction of single, bachelor-types on Valentine’s Day, I don’t really care. I guess if I was the sort of person to DID care about a relationship, I would be in one right now. So I guess while I don’t feel bad about not having a partner, I do sometimes worry that not caring about such things is a sign of a mental defect. I don’t worry about that very often, as I have more obvious, and pressing, mental defects to address, but it is up there.

I’m writing this in the morning, before digging into the work of the day. So I’m hoping to get some shards chapters outlined. Also, to do some bundle stuff, and maybe get some digitization done on the new house.

Let’s Go!

[the-journal-ritual]

2-13-2023

I’ve been having a little trouble getting my marbles wrangled these days. I’m not too happy about it. But I will be starting Shards of Shadow soon. I’m not super sure precisely what I will be saying, what story I’ll tell, but I have some ideas. I just wish my noggin could focus. Not so good with the thinking parts. Gotta get better.

I keep switching pens. Different inks. This one remains not so good. But sometimes it is. Odd. And this one? Seems better until I wrote that last little bit. Why is it not consistent? The preppy is completely different. So weird.

I keep hyper-fixating on this. I’m sure that isn’t a sign of any festering mental illness. I ate like a monster today.

Monster. Ugh. Things aren’t so good. I just gotta work on it. Just gotta plug along. Soldier on. Get things done. Finish. Start. Go. Act. Take time, take action. Go. Write, read. Do. One step at a time. Just have to do it.

[DOODLE OF A SAD MAN’S FACE]

[the-journal-ritual]

2-12-2023

I’m not convinced that today actually existed. I swapped pens, because look at that mess. It’s weird. This pen should be wet, band I think it is even dryer. A little too dry. Let’s try another.

This pen filled its cap with evil. Yeesh! So blobby!

Another pen. Okay, so, anyway. Non-day. I guess it was the superbowl. But yesterday was the big meeting. And then nothing. The brain contains no wisdom or knowledge gained or lost yesterday. Let’s try the other one again.

I don’t want this to be so wet. What’s going on today with this stuff?

Back to blue. This one is better. I don’t have anything to say. I guess I’ll just say nonsense. I guess things could be worse. I’m anxious now. Why am I anxious about pens? Probably it’s not about pens. Back to the blobby red.

Wet? Yes! Why did it fill the cap? Why so wet? What is going on?

[the-journal-ritual]

2-11-2023

Out of curiosity, this is a test of a medium nib. It should be a much wetter writer. It is for sure a much wider line, but it really seems to perform as well or better than the other pens on non-fountain paper. Feels smoother, too. I prefer the finer point, but this ink must be really good for cheap paper. We’ll test it with other ink when it runs out.

Got that speaking engagement today. We’ll see how that goes.

-> I got back around midnight. It went really well! Sold some books, talked for about 12 hours. Good questions. No awkward pauses. I signed some autographs. Good stuff. Mike hung out in the back and seeded some questions from time to time. This pen has weird flow.I am going to write exclusively with it for a bit.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-10-2023

I had a talk with my career counselor. She seemed pessimistic about me finding a job with any amount of speed or ease. My situation is strange. The specific position that I am most qualified to fill is... the only one of its kind. A self-publisher is really the only job like it. The skills are many, and widely useful, but how exactly do you put it on a resume in a way that a company will want to hire you? How do you prove you’re any good? You are your own reference. And it isn’t like fiction writer is the sort of thing they post on a job board about. The publishing aspect, sure, they post for that. But the publishing industry is none-too-fond of self-publishers.

I’m in the weird position of having as much as sixteen years of experience in certain areas, but technically never having had a job with the appropriate job title.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-9-2023

LAMY Safari - EF, Pilot... Kon Peki?

So I officially ahve the fountain pen brain rot. I have three pens now. This is the extra fine. I must say, I do dig the fountain pens. This one feels like it fails to start more often than the others. Unclear if it is the ink, the pen, or just that it needs to be broken in.Let’s try flipping it over. This is me writing with the back.

Eh.

As it stands now, this is not my favorite pen. But it is still good. I should try it on some good paper later. Which reminds me, I got some good paper too. I need to try some experiments.

As for work today? I set up another audio book with Books in Motion. Nearly done reading. I really find myself enjoying Shards of Shadow. Like, to the point that I’m worried that I can’t write to that level anymore.

Just goes to show you, I can destroy my confidence with too little quality OR too much.

YAY!

[the-journal-ritual]

2-8-2023

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately has been the link, or lack thereof, between how I’m feeling and the possible motivations for those feelings. Today I got a little done. Some reading, some outlining. I sent out another application. Not overly productive, but not a waste. But today, at this very moment, I feel okay. The anxiety is in check and generally I feel like things are looking up. Yet there are other days when I get everything done that I want to get done and I’m wallowing in misery and huddled in terror. I wish I could nail down the cause.

I’m nearly done reviewing my Shards of Shadow stuff. Then comes the outline. Then the writing. I fell a little behind. But not too worried just yet.

The sore throat I had is gone. Nose is a little stuffy. Hopefully it clears up by Saturday and Sunday.

I have a speaking engagement.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-7-2023

I wanted to get a real journal entry in here. I have developed a sore throat. It showed up late yesterday. Nyquil didn’t touch it. I’m hoping it goes away quickly, because I have that thing on Saturday. I’d hate to be a plague bearer. I might do something I rarely do and take some daytime cold medicine, if only because I have it, and it is taking up space.

I was also having some low level nausea earlier today. Unclear if it is related, or if it is just because I started a new bag of huel and it is this weird Gluten-Free gunk. It’s chalky compared to the other stuff. Could be it doesn’t sit well with me. We’ll give it some time.

Job search has a lot of no reply and a few rejections. Not a promising start. Very little is promising these days.

I’m mostly done preparing for shards of Shadow 4, though. So that’s good.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-6-2023 (F)

From the Journal of Tome Inkbrand

Blast it. Blast it all. The charred wood, just simple burnt paper and cloth, have a measurable and substantial impact on spell potency. It is astounding. The resulting ink isn’t nearly as powerful as the Greater Dragon’s ink, mind you. But combined with some other mid-to-high quality components, the result could remove a full page of power enhancement writing.

Not only can I NOT justify settling this goal of gaining access to lesser dragon char, I can’t even justify delaying. Knowing what I know now, the price the menagerie owner was charging was entirely reasonable. I’d go back and pay  it if my... indelicate language upon turning him down the first time hadn’t slammed that particular door shut.

The alternatives are making regular trips back here to harvest char, have someone act as a go between with the menagerie manager, or seek help in catching this beast.

I find these options entirely distasteful

[the-journal-ritual]

2-5-2023

Genuine again. Today was a weird day. I wasn’t overly productive. I did some reading, I did some job search. I prepped some Patreon stuff. Assembled a bed. Moved the mattress for said bed. Fixed a couch. Played with Ryan. Okay, I did a fair bit. But nothing that would help solve my problems. Yet I was less anxious today than I have been in the past.

A couple days ago, I mentioned that my brain hasn’t been treating me right and my brother quickly advised that I see about getting therapy. And possibly some meds. It has unarguably helped both him and my dad. And I don’t even particularly have any oppositions or objections to such things. But I just can’t imagine myself taking that step. I’ve spoken about how depression feels like it has removed some buttons from my control panel. this is one of them.

I’ll have to work on that.

For sometimes... That is to say, for some reason I tend to write very small these days.

I SHOULD WRITE BIGGER!

[the-journal-ritual]

2-4-2023 (F)

A Page From the Journal of Tome Inkbrand

Either Lesser Dragons are magic resistant or this mountainside is fundamentally different from surrounding areas. So much so that I’ll need to write custom spells. That beast has shrugged off my first seven attempts to subdue it. On the plus side, its attempts to subdue me have led to quite a bit of charred material to sample. A fair amount of brush, one dead tree and... one of my lower quality spellbooks. Also my hat. These assortments of char should give me some useful data about how much, if any, benefit dragon char will have for my ink. Since I need to replace my spellbook, I’ll have plenty of spell writing practice to measure the performance.

At this point, I’m not sure which outcome I would prefer. A part of me genuinely wants the dragon char to be pointless, so I can abandon this pursuit without further burns and blisters.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-3-2023

A special bonus entry, I got my first fancy ink and I wanted to give it a try. It seems a lot more wet than the other stuff, which might be a problem, or might be simply because I just flushed and refilled. Boy, look at that feathering. Whatever, I’ll test it with the good paper too. Comparing it to the entry from earlier, it really looks juicy. But not consistently juicy. Weird. I, as usual, might just be bad at it.

I do find the color to be pleasant, though not as wacky as it might be. Maybe green? Maybe purple? I can’t get TOO much ink or I’ll never write it up. And a couple big jugs of ink seem like bad things to have laying around.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-3-2023

A page from the journal of Tome Inkbrand

It is... POSSIBLE that I may have SLIGHTLY overestimated my capacity to catch a lesser dragon. In my defense I didn’t plan on actually catching one today. My plan today was focused on locating and studying a Lesser Dragon. I would devise a plan, start preparing a spell, and execute that plan in a few days. But now I think I need more time. Finding the beast was a simple matter. They seem absolutely dedicated to charring as much of their territory as possible. If this beast lived in the actual forest, I doubt there would be much of a forest left. It was on a rocky hillside to the south of the forest. And it was... feisty. Maybe the size of a large turkey, and alone despite my understanding that they tend to flock. I took my chances on deploying a sleep spell and... I’m confident my eyebrow will grow back before I return to Beffshire.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-2-2023 (F)

A page from the journal of Tome Inkbrand

I don’t think I’ve ever been more frustrated. After wasting six days rumbling across bumpy roads, I finally reached the menagerie and the scoundrel in charge of it wants FIFTY DUOTS for the “privilege” of having his sickly, shriveled-up lesser dragon breathe fire on some rubbish. It cost me less than that to get all the way here. I tried to get him to listen to reason, but he wouldn’t budge. Naturally, I won’t be paying the extortion he calls a fee. That leaves the option of tracking down a lesser dragon of my own. The locals here confirmed that Fel was correct about their relative prevalence in the forests around town. They also echoed his doubts about my chances of success were I to seek one out. It will be a pleasure to prove them wrong.

[the-journal-ritual]

2-1-2023

Genuine again. I’ve been putting in applications, one per day. It feels like I will have a much healthier mindset once I’m able to write just to write, rather than having to have the weight of supporting myself with the books. Something had to give. I don’t know why this pen is so blobby today. Maybe I should blot the tip. Standby. Is it better? Seems like it might be. Or not. Who knows?

I’ve been rereading Shards of Shadow. Enough time has passed that I have both forgotten the finer points of the story and forgotten enough of the story that I can actually enjoy it.

It feels nice, and a little weird, to like a story that I wrote.

[the-journal-ritual]

1-31-2023 (F) A page from the journal of Tome

I am, perhaps, overly judgmental of Fel at times. The man is inarguably a violent oaf who is more of a massive child than a proper adult in both temperament and knowledge, but in areas of expertise, he is quite reliable and knowledgeable. To wit, I’ve discussed my desire to find and acquire a Lesser Dragon, and after mocking my ability to survive such an encounter, he was able to direct me both to a portion of the map where they could be found and a collector who had one in his menagerie. Naturally I’m inclined to seek the fellow with a captive one first. It will eliminate a good deal of the risk and trouble of getting my own. And I only require the beast to char some wood. Surely any reasonable fellow would permit such a thing free of charge. If pressed, I might be willing to pay a small, reasonable fee.