the-last-airbender-on-ice

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

I just want to ramble.

Things seem like they're not real right now. I'm in an odd middle space. I don't feel bad, but I don't feel good.. Is it because I'm so used to it feeling bad? How long is this virus thing going to happen? Life just began starting for me.. Jacob and I are about to move in together, I'm starting school to become a history teacher in like 2 months, and I've finally gotten over a lot of my emotional problems.. I'm don't want things to open literally because that would be dangerous, but I wish the virus stuff was over. Or at least to know that it would be over at least by the end of the year. But idk if that's going to happen..

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Catching Up

A LOT has happened since I've last been on here, good lord. I met a beautiful man named Jacob Schobey after working 1(one) day at Logan's Roadhouse. The next day, I broke up with Mason and was traumatized by the reaction I got. Me and Jacob become closer and then enter a romantic relationship. I find out he has a deep crush for another girl and eventually break up with him. He pulls me back, and we've been together for 5 months now. We've talked everything over and now I hardly have any worries that he would ever cheat on me. It just feels so easy and right. We're both so happy and in it together. I'm really excited to see how it all turns out~

I also greatly reduced my intake of caffeine after drinking coffee every day for 7 years, and it was literally one of the biggest roots to my emotional problems. I had no idea it reduced serotonin levels long-term. I'm so much more chill now. Thank god.

Stay happy, my friends~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Working on It

I still don't know what's eating at me. I'm still in a bad mood more often, feel the need to cry, and am just not doing good overall. I hate being in my boyfriend's house. His parents, mostly his mom, hate me, and I don't particular like them. The whole house is just a pool of bad energy, and I have no privacy. I can't leave until NEXT Saturday. I literally want to drive away and never come back. I want to take a plane overseas and just stay there. It's crushing me. I don't know what to do. I would rather just live in my car while I'm here, but they wouldn't allow that. I'm dying. I have to work every day except 2 days until the fair is over WITH the people that hate me. At least I'll be getting paid, but who knows how much.

Sorry I'm angry, my friends

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Woah

Y’all. I just had a maaajor breakthrough. I can finally start dealing with my crap, and start dealing with it the right way. So for a backstory:

Basically, for my entire existence, I was really bad at showing my negative emotions to people unless it were small, trivial things. To the point where usually only my mom or a few other people could tell when I was really sad or angry or ill, and even then, sometimes they couldn’t. I didn’t like talking about my negative emotions or showing them to other people. The reason being: I am most comfortable when other people are comfortable, so I will do things to make sure everyone else is okay. I am an empathetic person, and I sponge up other people’s emotions subconsciously, and I just assumed everyone else was that way, and so I felt like if I talked about my negative emotions, it would bring down their mood and they wouldn’t want to hang out with me any more, and I didn’t want other people to feel bad because of me. And so I would stop contacting people as much, only seeing them in person when they wanted to. This made me feel so guilty, which made me feel even worse, which just continued the cycle. You would think that if I did things to make other people comfortable, I would continue to reach out to my friends and talk to them, but I did quite the opposite.

So now, we have the reason behind all of this. My realization first started when watching a random episode of OK K.O. on TV. It was the episode where K.O. had basically chained up his “evil side” in his inner world and kept him separate, like he was another person. The “evil” side then took over the body, and from inside the body, K.O. was still fighting the “evil” side thinking that he shouldn’t be out, I need to be controlling the body, this isn’t me. He then realizes that him and the “evil side” were one and the same, and he only needed to acknowledge and validate his other side to become whole again. This got me thinking, but I forgot about it after a while and kept being sad.

Later, my best friend confronted me about being distant with her. She assumed I was just ignoring her because of my boyfriend, which was definitely not the case, but it made me realize that this was actually a problem, and I needed to fix it. This got me realizing I needed to keep in contact with those that I love and that love me even when I’m feeling down.

And although I knew I needed to do this, the reason why I was still sad was a mystery, and I was frantically searching for the cause. Then, one of my other dear friends who I haven’t spoken to in a while called me, and we talked for a while. I eventually opened up about not being in a good head-space, and this girl called me out but in the absolute best awesome way possible. She basically confirmed to me that I don’t show or confront my negative emotions. Even when I did talk about bad things, I would talk about the bad things like they were stories, and I would most often leave out how I felt about them. I denied said emotions, and later they would come back up in the form of stress and crying. Also, I would have what she called “recharge” times which was when I would stop talking to people and release all of the negative emotions via crying. And then, I would be good for a couple weeks, and then it would come back. Rinse and repeat.

On top of all this, I had what I called either my “evil green goblin” brain or my “evil Gollum” brain. (kinda similar to K.O.’s evil side, don’t ya think? *hint hint*) Basically, I would treat this part of my brain as a separate entity, because it “just wasn’t who I am.” I think of myself as a kind person who is nurturing and is there for my friends when they need me (except apparently when I was sad, which made me feel guilty.) The shoulder to cry on and a generally nice person. However, my “Gollum” brain would be like, “Prove it! You didn’t work hard enough or put in enough effort to be considered a nice person. You don’t deserve to feel like a nice person. etc.” This got me so sad and anxious, y’all.

So now, what I will be trying to do is, instead of denying the emotions and pushing them aside, I will try to acknowledge the bad feelings, validate them, politely correct myself on the situation, and the feelings start to float away with me having taken care of them!! This will be very hard to do. It sounds easy, but I will have to do a lot of positive self-talk and practice self-awareness a whole lot more. I really hope one day I can learn to deal with my emotions properly and not be afraid to talk to people about it.

Stay happy, me~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

I'm moving

Welp, I'm finally getting out of Mississippi. It's been my top goal practically since I moved here. But you know what? As much as I know this move is good for me, I'm so scared. I've gotten so used to where I am. What if I'm not completely ready? What if me changing causes me to lose the people I love? I love Mason so much. We've been together for 10 months today, and I don't want to lose him, but I just have this feeling in the back of my head that I will. I also feel like I'm being too selfish. Maybe it's my selfless brain that is causing me to feel bad about having this wonderful opportunity that many people never get in their lifetime. Also, I have bigtime adjustment disorder where, even if it's a good change in my life, I'll have depression for a couple months, so I'm also kind of worried about that.

At the same time, I am so freakin ready to be there and just experience and live. I'm ready to be able to be myself completely. I'll be able to do more meditation and yoga and be more in tune with nature and myself. I'll hopefully have more motivation to continue making music. And hopefully I'll meet some really cool people! Anyways, wish me luck you guys~

Stay happy, my friends~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

I Wish I Was

Sometimes I wish I was a jellyfish. Just floating in the water, surrounded by intruding sun rays. Not a care in the world. Just going wherever the current takes me.

Other times, I wish I was a tree on top of a mountain watching the world go by over the years. Feeling the rain as it slides over my many leaves. Feeling the relief after shedding the heavy snow of winter.

And other times, I wish I was a bird feeling the wind push on my feathers as I soar through the wilderness. Just being able to leave the ground and glide through the clouds.

And other times, I wish I was a cloud floating in the atmosphere, watching the many lives of humans and animals alike underneath me. Providing them the rain that they so desperately need but forget the significance of. Taking care of everyone below me with no complaints or wants.

And every day, I wish I was a human being that could be the equivalent of soft sun beams peaking through tall trees. The equivalent of soft jazz in the background that no one pays attention to but people would miss if it stopped playing. The equivalent of a long, heartfelt hug. I wish I was a kind, generous, peaceful, loving person.

This was written by me a little over a year ago. I don't know what inspired me or how I was able to write something like this, but here it is~

Stay happy, my friends~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

I'm Melting

I feel like I'm just wasting away almost. My body has been really sucky recently, but I shouldn't be surprised since I've been kinda sucky to my body. No drugs or alcohol or anything, I just haven't eaten very good and haven't gotten good sleep. I can't go to sleep tho and it really sucks. My stress, anxiety, and depression should not be at the levels that they are for what's going on in my life right now, which is not a lot. Maybe that's why they're so high tho. I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like the world will end at the end of the month. I need a job, but I'm afraid at doing bad at the job. I'm just sad.

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

I'm back

So.

I have made a few steps backwards. Towards the end of last year, I had made a lot of progress with my anxiety and depression. I felt good with who I was, and I had a real sense of self-identity. I entered a wonderfully healthy relationship that still brings me absolute joy! Sure, I had my days, but most of the time, it was alright. Starting spring semester, it kind of just went downhill. I broke off contact with one of my best friends, and it was better at the time, but I still felt guilty. I was low on money, and my school was NOT helping me at all. My anxiety and depression came back, so I'm constantly crying. I had a lot of medical problems including the one I'm having now with my gallbladder. Every time I get up I immediately get knocked down. I really want to get a job, so hopefully I can get one or maybe two. My family is finally wanting to leave for Arizona, so let's hope to goodness that that goes to plan. Idk, I just feel like I'm losing myself little by little. I haven't been fully healthy in so long. I'm doing nothing all day which only makes me guilty and feel like a slob. I just hate being this way. I'm so out of touch with meditation and Buddhism it makes me sad. Hopefully I can get a hold of myself and things will start turning around.

Stay happy, my friends

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

I AM MY OWN

I am my own human being. I belong to no one. I can live my life the way I choose. I am not a bad person. I am beautiful and valid. All of my feelings are valid. I am my own human. I am my own.

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Don't read unless you absolutely want to. It's just useless bumbling.

I just want to not exist for a while. I don't want to die; that's not what I mean. I just want to exit reality for a while. I know that sleeping is one way to do that, I guess, but I want to be awake for it, ya know? I just want to be and breathe. I don't want to worry, I don't want to work, I don't want to talk, I don't want to have to do anything for anyone, I want to exist and do things JUST for me and JUST by myself, I don't want to worry about or for anyone, I don't want to cater to anyone. I know that sounds selfish, but that's what I've been doing my entire life. I ALWAYS seem to put others and others' feelings ahead of mine, which is good, but not ALL the time.. I do it so much that it literally gives me dissociation, anxiety, and sometimes depression. I guess that's what's happening right now. It SUCKS bad, and I just can't seem to learn how to balance it. And yet at the same time, I also yearn for a deep, true, and meaningful relationship. I want to be the one taken care of for once. I want to be hugged and fully loved and longed for. I've never had someone of interest ask me out, call me pretty or beautiful, say that they loved me, kiss me, or just had an enjoyable love interest in general. I'm tired of being lonely in that sense. I'm just tired.

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

What's Happening

I don't even know what's going on half of the time any more. I'm having really bad dissociation. My anxiety is bad, and I'm pretty sure I have minor depression. I don't even know what's causing it, but I can't seem to stop it. It sucks a lot. I want to just leave everything and not worry about anything at all. I mean I could honestly just drive and keep driving ya know? I would probably get fired and fail all of my summer classes, but if I wanted to, I could. I'm just so tired and worn out. I'm so busy that I'm forgetting who I am. I don't want to be alone, but at the same time, I don't want anyone around me right now. Ugh. I also want to be able to describe and talk through what it is that I'm feeling, but I just don't have the words for it..

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Not doing too great

Wow, it’s been literally forever since I’ve been on here.

Anyways, honestly, I’m not feeling at my best right now. I’m suffering from extreme lonliness. Not because I don’t have any friends. I have friends all around me. I do, it’s just for some reason I’m so entirely lonely. It hurts a lot.. I have no reason to be feeling this way, but for some reason, I feel very unloved. I know that I have people around me that love me, but for some reason, my brain is trying to convinve me that I don’t or that everyone is just faking it. I just want this semester to be over, so I can go home. I hate feeling this way. I thought I had gotten over it since last semester, but it's like I can't control it. Maybe I should try to let go and not control it.. Maybe me trying to steer my own emotions is what's making it worse.. I’m just ready for a break. I just want to disappear for a moment. I don't want to die; I just want to disappear for a moment and not have any obligations or people around me. I just want to, I don’t know, sit outside for days. No hunger, no thirst. I literally just want to lie in a hammock for a couple days, and just listen to the birds and the wind through the trees, and then, when I’m ready, come back to my life and family and friends. However, I know that’s not possible, so I’ll just do the best I can until this hurricane of horribleness leaves me.

Although I may be struggling to at the moment, stay happy, my friends

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Predicament

This is about romantic relationships (or lack there of.)

Alright, so I understand that you can achieve true happiness without a partner. I don’t need one to be happy, and if I don’t end up with one, I will still be able to live my life and continue on. That doesn’t mean that I can’t want one. You can still want a partner, but be okay if one doesn't appear. It’s like when you really really want a certain snack, but one is not available to you. You don’t give up on life because you couldn't have that snack. But if you can have that snack, you become really really happy. Not that you weren't happy before, it’s just that the snack gave you extra happiness, and you really appreciate the snack. (I’m not trying to objectify partners, I’m just trying to use an analogy.)

I just.. really want a romantic partner. And although I know it’s not that EXTREMELY important that I have one, it just kind of scares me that I might never have one. It kind of makes me feel unattractive (not in the physical way, but overall in general.) And I know that I can make and have friends and all that, but I kind of feel like no one would be attracted to me in a romantic way.

Stay happy, my friends~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Get ready, my dudes!

Alright, I've had it! I'm gonna freaking live my life the way I want it and not worry about appearances. I'm gonna be unapologetically me from now on! I don't care any more! If people don't like it, then they're not the ones I want in my life anyways. I will make people stare. I will make people wish they were me. I'm gonna be so happy being myself. The time is over for feeling fear. It will not have control over me any more! I'm gonna do what I want and deal with the repercussions. People may find me different after today, but hopefully they'll see that I've changed for the better~ (Don't worry, I won't be too different, I'll just be a lot happier and myself~)

Stay happy, my friends~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Goodness Gracious

My gosh. The bad feelings are getting worse. Don't worry, I've never and hopefully never will be suicidal, but my goodness do I feel terrible right now.. Sorry to be such a negative nancy recently, but I feel like this is the one place to get my feelings out of my head without feeling too guilty haha.

I just feel kinda lonely and bored.. Don't get me wrong, I know that I have people that care for me, and I appreciate them a lot, but I still feel loneliness.. Which makes me feel even worse because I shouldn't feel that way if I have the thing that should get rid of that feeling, right?? Ugh, I don't know.

I'm just so ready to go to the mountains with one of my best friends over spring break. I really need a good breather, and the mountains are the best place for me to do that. I just feel at ease and at home in the Appalachian mountains. They're so sturdy and inviting, filled with life and history. Spring break could not come any faster. I'm so ready.

I'm just ready to feel alive and happy again. I am "happy," but there's different levels of happiness in my opinion. Hopefully I can make it through the rest of this semester with a clearer and calmer mind..

Stay happy, my friends~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

My Self-Care Routine

Alright, so I realize that there are a million of these, but this is what I’ve come up with over the years that helps me specifically. If it helps you too, then great! Also, I fail to follow these steps all the time, so don’t feel bad if you do. I forget some of the steps a lot, too, which is one reason why I’m putting them on here.. haha..

Step 1: Don’t pressure yourself to immediately feel better than you are! You cannot force yourself to feel emotions that you aren’t feeling, even if you really want to feel them. One thing that I do if I have a negative emotion is close my eyes, breathe, and say in my head,” I realize that I’m feeling this emotion, and that is okay.” Just recognizing and allowing yourself to feel that emotion makes you feel ten times better, I swear.

Step 2: Do the things that make you happy! I know that sounds so cliché, but hear me out. If you know that walking outside will make you feel better, do it. If you know that arts and crafts will make you feel better, do it. Even if you don't “feel like it.” I’ve been tempted to not take my walks because I was feeling lazy and not up to it, but I know that if I would have taken that walk, it would have made me feel a bit better. Don’t just wallow. Do something.

Step 3: It’s okay to pamper yourself sometimes. If you’ve been aching to buy that cute skirt, and you can afford it, do it! If you know you’ll wear it all the time, then go ahead! Take a nice bath with music and candles, just for yourself. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated!

Step 4: Talk to yourself like you want others to talk to you. Not out loud, obviously, but in your head. Use words, not just feelings. Say in your mind, “You are beautiful, I love you so much!” Or “Man you look great today! And every day!” Or “Hey, it’s okay. I know where your heart is.” Say positive things to yourself as much as possible. I always forget to do this one..

Step 5: DO NOT DWELL ON AWKWARD SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. I know how bad it feels when you say or do something awkward in front of people that you want to think well of you. The more awkward you feel about it, the more awkward they’ll feel about it. Just forget about it, and so will they. I promise. If they aren’t willing to give you a second chance, then they’re not the ones you should be hanging out with.

I hope this helps. I might add a few things later, but this is what I got for now~

Stay happy, my friends~

[the-last-airbender-on-ice]

Pay no mind. I’m just talking nonsense.

I was right in the middle of a movie, and I suddenly had the urge to write on here. I don’t know why, but here I am.

Anyways, I don’t really know how to put all of the feelings I have right now into words, so I guess I’ll just list off all of my thoughts? I like lists if you haven’t been able to tell already. They help me keep my train of thought.

1. I’m feeling a mixture of “I don’t care any more” and “I care too much.” I’m kind of just bored at the moment, and I feel like I have nothing new to experience for a while.. But at the same time, I care a lot about that, and it makes my anxiety worse. I guess my anxiety appears in both scenarios: a. If there’s a big change, good or bad or b. If there’s absolutely no change whatsoever for an extended amount of time.

2. I’m super angry, super sad, and super proud at the same time. I’m angry because of the situation I’m in right now, which is multiple things all in one. I’m sad that that won’t change until summer. Yet, at the same time, I’m proud of myself for the little things that I’ve done for myself to help me get by. I’m not trying to be cocky, I just think that it’s nice to be proud of yourself for being able to take care of yourself, by yourself, ya know?

3. I feel a little miserable right now, though. I know I’ve said this a thousand times before, but Mississippi is not where I belong. I’ll just leave it at that because I’ve already discussed that in detail before.

4. I might be making a new friend! Which is awesome because that’s what I wanted, but at the same time, I know that I’ll be leaving, and they won’t be. Which sucks because I don’t wanna make a friend just to leave them to go somewhere else.

5. I’m just not at the best moment in my life, and I realize that it will get better eventually, it just kind of sucks knowing that it will change but feeling stuck in one place until it does. I know that sounds really childish because I know so many other people have it worse off than me. I’m not saying that I have it worse than most, I’m just saying how I feel, ya know?

Anyways, I really hope something interesting will happen, and until it does, I’ll be here, floating along, just getting by until then.

Stay happy, my friends~