the-lazyawriter

[the-lazyawriter]

a chat between exes - an essay

Her: I wanted to let you know that I appreciated the relationship we had and although I was probably a bitch towards the end of it, I wouldn’t have changed any of it. I learned how to be a partner, how important communication is, and what I want in a partner in the future. I’m sure you learned something from our past together that will help you as well, because you deserve someone honest, respectful, and supportive of you in every step in your life. And I hope you have found or will find that person. Him: I appreciated our relationship as well. I echo those sentiments. Found myself frequently thinking of all the good times we had, and unfortunately all of the times I was not so good of a partner! Obviously no relationship or person is perfect. But at the end of the day I learned so much and look back fondly. Have not found a new partner. Hope you find / have found that special person as well. You deserve the best as well. Him: In all honesty I haven't really found a spark with anyone yet. Patience I suppose lmao. Her: People and relationships are definitely not perfect, that is something I’m learning. Haven’t found a person, but yes, patience is key. Him: I'm so excited for you about all this lol. Her: Why? I mean, I’m happy you’re excited for me, but I don’t know why Him: Because it's exciting. Just hearing about it is nice. Sounds like you love what you do, with its own challenges of course, but still. A while back we were both pretty worried about what was next career wise. If that makes sense. Her: No, it does make sense. Whether we were together or not, I still would’ve gone into teaching. I think my path would’ve been different. I most likely wouldn’t be at the school I’m at with the opportunities I have. Him: Absolutely. Yeah i def wasn't saying I somehow steered you one way or the other haha. Her: Yeah! I mean, I think we were still figuring out ourselves, it was hard to figure out ourselves with each other if that makes sense. Him: Yup. Learned a lot while we were together, but also learned a ton apart.

[the-lazyawriter]

please don't hide your feelings. It's the most beautiful thing I see in you

[the-lazyawriter]

Intellectual compatibility is so underrated

[the-lazyawriter]

[the-lazyawriter]

Concept: You and me going on an aquarium date, and you looking at a starfish in awe while I look at you.

[the-lazyawriter]

the basement is hazy, filled with smoke, sweat and noise. even in the middle of winter you couldn't possibly need a coat down here. your eyes wander over the crowd. unfocused, intoxicated. your head is already pounding, your ears ringing. it's disorienting in the best way you could imagine. as you push through the crowd your heart races. in the middle of the room. that's where they had built their stage. was more authentic, they said. she's regretting listening to them, people bump into her from all sides, beer drips onto her head. even with the earplugs the howling of the crowd is hard to bear. heart's racing. small break between songs, so she grabs some water, then continues. with a final crashing sound the encore's end, next act. you need a breather, grab something to drink and head out. the night is crystal clear, freezing cold. not that you'd notice, too flush with alcohol and adrenaline. you breath out a small ghost, that hovers around your head for a second, somewhere besides you there's a spark, then a flame, then smoke. away. she just needed to get away, even if just for a moment, just for a second. the smoke from her lungs rises, mingles with your ghost, joins it somewhere beyond. usually she doesn't smoke, at least she tells herself that. only after shows, and before shows. and during interviews, sometimes. while writing songs, or during practice of course, but the rest of them do that too. it's an agonizingly slow smoke. beads of sweat still on her skin, goosebumps and shivers. you tilt your head, offer a beer. there are no words left in the night, still there is solace in sharing. she takes the jacket you offer, her own is still inside, but she doesn't want to go back any time soon. too full, too loud, too much. you wonder why she does this in the first place, but neither of you knows. the question doesn't even cross her mind. she's always done this. and if you'd ask, she'd say she enjoyed it. really she does. despite the smokes and the shakes. the shivers and the lonely nights. you wake up, not in your bed, but on someone's couch. cigarette smoke lingers in your lungs. there's another show tonight.

[the-lazyawriter]

I want to sleep. I want to rest. I don't want to survive, I want to live.

[the-lazyawriter]

[the-lazyawriter]

dust gathers on your windows, the wind comes somewhere from the south this week, and you've had no time to clean them. it's no big deal, you've never cared too much

your neighbor recently bought a new machine to clean her apartment. a little helpful robot, that follows her around and scares the cats. on occasion you can hear her curse at it. apparently it's not great at navigating the, admittedly, cluttered space. you've seen inside her place, it's eclectic. more museum than home, and awfully warm.

you grab the last mug from your cabinet, filling it with boiling water and broth powder. there aren't any bowls left, but you've been craving soup, not that you have anything to make any. so you sit on your balcony sipping broth.

down on the street a couple of kids are having an argument about who's in charge of their little gang. there's two distinct voices that seem to be leading the chorus back and forth. you think you recognize one of them. there's a kid always spray paints the walls around here. you had seen him do it once, and ever since then he's been hounding you. "since you were cool with it," he asks for cigarettes and booze. kid isn't older than twelve, maybe thirteen at most.

the mug is empty, the sink isn't. it's a problem for the night shift. your phone alarm goes off and you get ready for work. who's got time. the wind will be coming from the south tomorrow, the sink is always full. the kids will keep arguing and your neighbor will keep on cursing her robot for scaring the cats.

[the-lazyawriter]

[the-lazyawriter]

walking, I look at the trees,

with their branches now bare

and wonder,

do they, too, cry when nobody else is there?

a short poem

- Z. 🎼🎧

[the-lazyawriter]

[the-lazyawriter]

[the-lazyawriter]

Everything is okay

It's okay, darling, my prettiest chocolate pie

I comprehend it all now, clear as summer skies -

It's a privilege to not be in your vicinity,

I was born and raised in a big, busy city

Astronomical lives and colossal opportunities

Flying around the world without hopping in it.

Possibilities are endless, I will find myself again.

I have realized I've got all the beauty and style -

Friends and fun I thought only you had are already mine,

I've been fed the most expensive of platters and rice

Varieties, flavours, peace, comfort: options endless

I've got my God, one and only, protecting me ahead.

Communication, talents, hobbies, potential

Fluency, fine pedigree and the multilingual

Academia, libraries, knowledge of Psychology

Unnamed awards, former Physics girl, she's pretty!

The mirror doesn't lie, neither do a million guys

I touch people's souls, replacement always arrives -

So lovely, such a sense of aesthetics

Dreamy lavender apartment building

Like scary streets at night being the sweet of mornings,

A fantastic life unfolds with so much healing.

I've done it before, you can rise above anything,

Just better strategy, connections and a higher calling!

My gold earrings worth 16k, my body costs more

I'll give myself away to a strong man who can run

With me on his shoulders, gripping me tight

"I'll never leave you, I love you, the mother of my child!"

[the-lazyawriter]

[the-lazyawriter]

[the-lazyawriter]

– s. u.