the-mind-journal

[the-mind-journal]

24 March 2018

Cycling?

I still find reasons to smile and/or laugh but those moments would almost always be followed by reminders that I’m a disappointment and that I don’t deserve to be happy or what I have now. I find myself actually stopping myself from being happy just because I haven’t done anything to deserve it yet.

[the-mind-journal]

24 March 2018

Nostalgia.

Last night, I dreamt I was home for the weekend. And by home I mean I was back in the Philippines. I felt genuinely happy, ecstatic even. In the dream, I visited my favorite coffee shop where I know the baristas and they know me. I was looking for my favorite pastry -- dulce de leche -- on the fridge by the counter but I couldn’t find it. Guess they ran out again, I though to myself in my dream. But it was okay, because I was home at least for two days, and nothing could go wrong, could it?

Then I woke up.

[the-mind-journal]

23 March 2018

Meltdown.

I really thought today would turn out great. And yet, one bad thing led to another. But since I was outside, in the company of strangers let alone foreigners, I held my head up and soldiered on. Although I was glad I finally had a sort of one-on-one talk with my supervisor because I'm actually worrying where my thesis is going.

Fast forward to going home. I missed dinner, and since I didn't want to incur any additional expenses so soon after last weekend's trip, I decided to eat chips and drink beer. Again. I turned on my laptop, deactivated two of my social media accounts, and watched "Modern Family" on Netflix. It was ridiculous how I cried and sobbed while laughing at the characters in the show. I genuinely thought it was funny, at the same time I was berating myself in my mind, thinking how big of a failure I am and that it had been a waste on the part of my parents for sending me here.

I think I'm a disappointment, and I just got lucky to have very considerate people around me. I'm grateful to my two supervisors who are nothing but supportive and encouraging, who give credit where it's due, and who never stress me out too much.

But it doesn't change the fact that I'm no good. I keep thinking how I don't deserve to be here at all and that all the bad things that has been happening was because I forced myself into doing something I'm not good at -- into something that is not for me right from the beginning.

[the-mind-journal]

22 March 2018

Overdrive.

For more than three hours, I was so sure I had a hypomanic episode (which would spill over the next day). I’m fairly certain it was provoked by another failed experiment at the lab. I’ve been staying here in Sweden for almost two months now, and still no credible and tangible data yet. I went berserk. I should’ve just drank my anti-anxiety pill. Oh, also, I’ve skipped drinking my mood stabilizers twice, somewhat on purpose (i.e., too lazy, called for by the situation).

Last night, as I lied down on my bed, overcome with too much anxiety for the future, I suddenly felt pumped up to do stuff: write my research paper, revise my thesis proposal, update my lab notebook, annotate the protocols I’m using, actually plan what I’m going to do after my hypothetical graduation in June. Heck, I even responded to a colleague at our department about an available room she can rent here in Stockholm. What the fuck, right? And what’s worse, I thought of going to Norway or Denmark next week: opting for the latter because Norway is a bummer in early spring. I made room reservations already, and am just waiting whethere something comes up with labwork before I can finalize buying the bus tickets. Also, I had updated my expenses for my stay here until the end of May, like how much spare money I will have left after subtracting the cash intended for the necessary stuff.

I HAVE ALSO UPDATED MY ADVISER BACK IN THE PHILIPPINES AT 4AM (CENTRAL EUROPEAN TIME) AND ASKED HER IF I’LL BE HOME IN TIME TO DEFEND MY THESIS. MY BRAIN WAS PRACTICALLY RACING. I PLANNED MY LIFE UNTIL JUNE OF THIS YEAR.

In the last week I drank three bottles of Guinness. I think I just missed the taste of alcohol. I don’t know what made me think it was okay to buy one can, let alone four. Moments ago, I googled what the effects of alcohol would be for bipolar people on medication. So far, these had been inconclusive: there is, after all, no “one size fits all” in the realm of mental instability.

And yet here I am, planning about buying more booze on my next trip to the supermarket. I also observed I keep binge-eating. Is this because of stress? Or because the meds make me hungry all the damn time? And since this place is so goddamn expensive, I resort to unhealthy options. Ugh. Thank god I can somehow get clean food at home since I live with committed vegan folks.

I want to go home. I want my life to magically sort itself out (as usual). I want to be happy. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy again. I always escape to this fantasy world I made for myself, wherein everything turns out the way I want them to be, and I’m not such a screw-up and everyone fucking likes me.

[the-mind-journal]

25-26 February 2018

Winter Not-So-Wonderland 

I haven't posted in a while, and while that may imply that I'm in a somewhat stable mood and less depressive pole, I've been having numerous anxiety attacks and a sprinkling of emotional outbursts at the turn of the year.

In the wee hours of January 3rd, I experienced one of my worst panic attacks thus far. I was overcome with too much stress and emotions, and it was taking a toll on me. I had barely properly started writing my thesis proposal, my plant sample was still non-existent, and I was altogether unsure if I will be pushing through with the sandwich program in Sweden. That one month felt like a year. A lot of things happened in a span of just 31 days and the roller coaster ride did not give me thrills as much as it gave me goosebumps and trauma.

After what felt like a century of waiting, and a dozen anti-anxiety pills later, I was ready to go. Or almost. Up until the last minute, I was cramming my life in a proverbial suitcase: was I complete? Was I actually prepared?

It didn't matter anyway. The ticket had already been booked and bought, and my supervisor was waiting.

Arriving in Stockholm had surprisingly been a breeze; meeting with my supervisor more so. But you can never have it all, can you?

On 9th February, I started doing what I went here to do: thesis. And part and parcel of that was to extract DNA from the samples I bought. Well, that was a bust. I had low yield. Out of the goodness of their (people in the lab) hearts, they told me to try again the next week. I did and the same thing happened.

I gotta admit, I was very disheartened. For all I know, the kit would've worked should another person do it besides me (with one exception) and I'm actually a screw-up. Great!

Now onto my 3rd week, and I'm really... I don't know. Anxious, certainly. Discouraged, most definitely. And these thoughts/feelings have been made worse thanks to the bad purchases I did yesterday. It feels like I'm wasting the money sent by my parents away.

Is all of this still worth it? Am I still worth something?

[the-mind-journal]

23 December 2017

On The Outside, Looking In.

I feel like I’m unwanted by my family. I mean, sure they provide things I need and want – of course I’m grateful for them – but I feel like they’re only doing that out of obligation and/or feeling sorry for me.

The point is, I think they don’t really like me/want me around, and they’re just sucking it up because we’re Filipinos, and family comes first.

All the more reason to just end everything.

I hate that one day I’m this ball of happiness and gratefulness, and the next I just feel like curling into a ball and wallow in my sadness and self-pity. I know the meds are working (they had better; they cost a lot), but the pull of the dark side is just sometimes a little too strong it’s hard not to succumb.

[the-mind-journal]

15 December 2017

On edge.

It’s weird because I feel hyped but at the same time crappy because I am reminded of my inadequacies. Sigh.

[the-mind-journal]

14 December 2017

Alive and kicking.

Yesterday, finally was able to go back to my psychiatrist, and as I predicted, my dosage was increased -- for all of the meds I was taking. Plus! Doc prescribed sleeping pills for my insatiable insomnia. That bitch, the insomnia, not my shrink.

Anyway, idk if I’m just thinking this or, again, placebo, but -- today’s my first day to drink another 30-day course of Lamotrigine and Divalproex -- I’m already feeling stoked!!! Why!!! It’s supposed to just calm me down and yet I’m feeling fired up!!!

Might this be an effect of me telling my adviser about my illness? Because she didn’t invalidate me at all? She even told me to tell her if I’m not feeling well or something (although I don’t want to use the bipolar card to get away with things... that’s just taking a cheap shot, really). Or maybe, because I feel productive tonight after doing the laundry. Lolz.

I’ve an exam tomorrow but I don’t feel shit. I mean, I’m supposed to be really nervous and whatnot, but I feel invincible!!!!!!! Which is evidence of  my hypomania happening, and at just 2 pills at that!!! T_T

[the-mind-journal]

10 December 2017

It’s too much.

How do I humbly and politely ask my parents, specifically my mother, to get off my back?

[the-mind-journal]

09 December 2017

List.

For the past several days -- weeks, even -- it’s all been quite rough. I keep having pangs of anxiety and guilt, and I become restless because I’m not meeting deadlines I set for myself and yet I don’t do anything about it. The thought that I can do it the next day anyway brings as little comfort as getting another hit for the last time does to a recovering drug addict trying to get sober.

Here are some of the things and emotions going through my mind lately, and I’ll keep adding to this list until my appointment with my psychiatrist next week. Maybe I can just show this to her?

I’ve been crying a lot again lately. Not full-on breakdowns though.

I’m feeling hopeless again, to the point where I want to drop everything already, even that opportunity for my grad thesis.

I’m having anxiety about the future -- again -- and I can’t see myself being alive and achieving things at/after 30. I’m also aware that everyone experiences this from time to time but -- I don’t know. I just get the feeling that I’m having it 100000000x more intense than everybody else.

Thoughts are running amok in my head. It’s like when you’re down the Wikipedia rabbit hole, where one link leads you to another, and then another one, and so on and so forth. It’s exasperating. I just want to calm the fuck down.

I keep having this thought that I’m faking this mental disorder so I can get away with things? And that provokes an anxiety attack or something similar.

Self-loathing episodes.

On the brink of purchasing things I don’t need. Not sure if I’m having (a) manic episode(s) but I find myself wanting to buy stuff online or otherwise. Once, when I was in a hardware store and was at the gardening lane, I thought it was a good idea to buy seedlings so I can plant them somewhere and satisfy this need to live a sustainable lifestyle. Good thing I stopped myself. And I wanted to book flights to Greece and stay there for a month (I still do want to push through with this; I want to be far away). Also I felt that I needed a new lens for my DLSR, as well as a new minimalist wristwatch (I’m a sucker for those). Oh, and I keep having this urge to buy new books -- I even bought some new ones again, for crying out loud. The only thing that’s stopping me is the lack of cash and the fact that I’m living off my parents money (again). Thank fuck for that.

I thought of buying a blade and cut myself.

I didn’t go to class this week because, a. I got sick; b. I felt tired due to sleeping at around 7 or 8 in the morning when my class was at 11:30am; c. I didn’t want to interact with my classmates; d. I was tired of thinking.

To be continued (if needed)...

[the-mind-journal]

27 November 2017

Caffeine Rush?

I feel so fucking overwhelmed again. Fuck this shit tbh.

[the-mind-journal]

Robin Benway, The Extraordinary Secrets of April, May, & June

[the-mind-journal]

help I’m having emotions about a cartoon antidepressant trying to be useful

[the-mind-journal]

Lol I posted on the wrong account but oh well.

The gig I went to last Tuesday.

[the-mind-journal]

24-25 November 2017

Downward Spiral.

I’m just angry and demotivated. That is all.

[the-mind-journal]

20 October 2017

A Note-To-Self.

Just so I won’t forget, I’d like to list down the perceived physical effects of the meds I’m taking:

The first few days I felt quite restless -- I just want to do things, e.g., read articles, watch videos online, etc. (but tbh this isn’t something new to me haha)

Even though the doctor warned me about being hungry all the time, I don’t think my appetite changed at all. I can go for days eating only once a day (which is bad, so don’t).

This isn’t a physical effect per se, but I observed that I can hyperfocus? I used to get distracted a lot, and really quickly, but when I’m reading articles (especially those scientific ones) I’m able to process them instantly without needing to reread again, most of the time.

Although one of the meds was supposed to make me drowsy, I can’t sleep after popping it. I’m not sure if it’s because I woke up late, hence it’s hard for me to sleep early, or?

Another not-so-physical manifestation: I’m not as bothered about anything anymore. Which is a great plus! There were times I felt like I’m going to have a nosedive though, but it never went that far.

So far, that’s it. I feel my doctor’s going to either increase the dosage of the sleeping/anti-depressant pill, or prescribe a different one.

October actually came through! :)

[the-mind-journal]

15 October 2017

Down the Rabbit Hole Again (But It Ain’t So Bad)

The past week has been okay, and maybe one of the reasons I didn’t frequently post updates on here. If I’m being honest, it’s been more than okay. I received great news last 09 October regarding my sandwich program application (although there are still a few hiccups), and this has been keeping me busy for days.

Today, I felt that sinking feeling again although not too much that I can’t bear it. It’s quite disconcerting but I’ll survive. I feel disconnected again from friends and a bit ignored. But, really. It’s not that bad anymore. I was also productive yesterday which I meant to continue today but I got sucked into watching a TV series instead. No regrets on that regard though.

High hopes for this week. Must not break the streak.