the-ol-wazoo - Tumblr blog

[the-ol-wazoo]

maybe this is super niche but I think I’m a nostril whore. I love when people are singing and their nostrils flare…

[the-ol-wazoo]

So some of my friends dragged me to D*eadp00l and W/ol/verine and I am now searching for snz fics 😂 It was unexpectedly very much my shit.

[the-ol-wazoo]

S N O T O G O!

YOU CAN TAKE MY SNOT TO GO!

[the-ol-wazoo]

Commission for @ishadowycollectorbear

If you like my drawings, and are willing and able to do so, please consider commissioning me, pledging to my Patreon, or donating through ko-fi ☕! You're not obliged to, but every bit helps to keep me living decently and I really do appreciate it!

❗ PLEASE NO REBLOGGING TO NON-KINK BLOGS ❗

[the-ol-wazoo]

I found my old blog and it was so funny how I used to kind of type like a rage comic I was like “le epic snez.” 😭 Will I look back on myself now in cringe? Only time will tell.

[the-ol-wazoo]

If I can share a real life ob with yall

Ok so a month ago I was with my friend J and my best friend’s son T (M38 and M27) and T is like, one of the sneeziest guys I’ve ever met, like seriously. I don’t know who crawled up his nose but he like sneezed eight times or something that night. Anyway he sneezed twice and J was like “Bless you” and T was like “Thank you.” And J was like “Don’t let it happen again.” And idk why I keep thinking about it but it was kind of hilarious and adorable.

[the-ol-wazoo]

having a sneeze kink is so unserious why would i read someone describing a nose as “flared and red at the nostrils, which he dabs at with a lace handkerchief” and immediately need to go whack it

[the-ol-wazoo]

Winning and Losing

Here's one of my private, super self-indulgent of//md fanfics I've been storing on here. I didn't want to release it because everyone's moved on now. Idk, I don't have any more inspiration to write anything else. Unfollow I guess

The week had been bloody exhausting. First a good portion of the roof had collapsed, then they’d been robbed by a suspicious would-be lodger...

and then they both had to go and get sick.

It was a terrible fever that sent the pair of them to bed. They spent the weekend curled in each other's arms under stacks of blankets, shivering the flu away. Stede got sick first but not for long, his strange resilience and boundless energy propelling him back to his usual self. It was Ed whose symptoms clung annoyingly onto him, even after the fever left and the congestion cleared up. Which was just plain frustrating and unfair. He felt better! Good as new.

If it wasn't for the constant, unrelenting snee-sn-heeeh—

“D’Tshhiew!!” 

He peered up blearily from behind a crumpled handkerchief, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks still pale from the ‘bout of illness. Whatever was left of the flu had decided to take up residence at the back of his nose where it tickled and burned constantly. 

“Tsk, see? You’re not leaving this room.” 

“The fuck I’m not. Stede, if I have to stay in this cage another second I’m going to lose it man’d.” He blew his nose fiercely. 

Stede frowned, peering up from the book he’d been absorbed in. He pushed his reading glasses up the bridge of his nose, perfectly offended. 

“So our love-nest is now a prison to you? After I saved you from the brink of death?” 

“It was just a bug Stede,” Ed leaned over the side of the bed, fishing another fresh handkerchief off the nightstand. “And you know what I mean’d I’m-I-heh.. just feeling better is all. I— hieh..HEH—“ 

Ed’s eyebrows raised, ready to catch yet another sneeze in the fresh handkerchief. Stede watched him shudder towards it, amused.

“Oh, yeah, you seem completely healed. A real miracle Ed.” 

Stede’s pithy comment interrupted the build-up, leaving Ed with a nasally exhale that burned instead of relieved. The sneeze fizzled through his teeth and he grumbled in frustration. 

“…ass..” 

“You're welcome.” Stede kissed Ed on the cheek, pleased to feel the fever long gone. Despite his grumpiness, Ed couldn’t help but smile a little at the contact. 

“Tell you what Ed. You can go to market with me today. I think the fresh air will do you good.” 

Ed bolted upright, red-rimmed eyes widening with excitement. 

“Really?” 

“Yes! But on one condition.” Stede removed his glasses, solemnly setting them and the book aside. He turned to face Ed, crossing his arms very seriously. “If I hear you so much as sneeze within the next ten minutes you’re staying home.” 

Stede pointed at the cuckoo clock on their wall. 

“Think you can manage that?” 

Ed smiled confidently, crumpling up his handkerchief into a ball and tossing it into the waste basket. 

“You know I love a challenge.”  He leaned back, placing his hands behind his head in an easy recline. He crossed his legs under the blanket. “I won’t even use my hands.” 

“You better not.” Stede rolled onto his side, cheeks flushing in excitement. 

It was always a little game between them. What exactly that game entailed changed from day to day, but it didn’t matter. They loved playing together. It was good enough for them. 

Stede placed his hand on Ed’s chest, thumbing at the grey swirls of hair. He could feel those stuffy lungs rise up and down, relaxed after a week of coughing. He could still smell the sweat and medicine off of him. It took everything within his power not to bury his face in. That’d lead to a very different game, and he did have to go to the market that day. 

Smiling, Ed side-eyed Stede and boldly sniffled in a drag of air through his snuffy nose. He had to show just how easy it was to breathe, how much control he had. He kept his hands behind his head, even though his nose did tingle a little. Not with a sneeze of course, but it would have been nice to give it a bit of a rub. But he didn’t. He was in control. 

But damnit all if Stede didn’t notice everything… “Aww, nose itchy dear?” Taunted Stede, sticking out his bottom lip mockingly. 

“Wh-what? No. How would you even know?” 

“It gets all scrunchy at the bridge. Right here and here.” Stede gently poked at the soft sides of Ed’s nose, and oh if that didn’t tickle in the worst way. Ed pulled away from the touch, but he could still feel the ghost of the sensation crawl up and down his sinuses. 

“Fuckin cheater, I know what you’re trying to do.” Ed wriggled his upper lip around, stretching it out in an attempt to scratch at his nose. “No hands! I’m not using mine, don’t use yours.” 

Ed didn’t mean to whine. 

“Fine. Hands off.” Stede tucked both of his hands under the blanket. But he was smiling wildly, a glimmer of mischief in his eyes. “Don’t need them to get you going anyways..” 

“Oh shut up.” Ed sniffled back the stupid tickle Stede caused. 

“Mm. Remember that ship we boarded once, the one with all the medieval tapestries?” 

“..Yes? No? Raided a lot of ships dude..” 

“I think you would remember it. It was just before we..” Stede grew a little tongue-tied for a moment. “You know, before Ned Low and all that.”

“Before we fucked?” 

“Yeah.” 

Sniffling again, Ed focused his attention to the darkest corner of the room, letting the low light soothe his sinuses. He was willing himself to back further from the fuzziness in his nose, forcing his watery eyes to remain open. He kept his lips barely cracked, just enough to take in air without tickling his raw sinuses. 

All of this was just a mind thing. Just focus on the clean, dark corner of the room. Don’t think about it. 

“There was a cat onboard that ship. Remember?” 

Ed’s throat bobbed.

“No..don’t recall.” 

But he did recall. His nostrils flickered with the memory of those white strands of cat hair dusting the rails of the ship. He’d spent that whole raid sneezing his head off to the amusement and annoyance of the rest of the crew. He-he’d…heeh—

Ed’s mouth trembled open with a hitch, but he quickly snapped it shut again and swallowed it with another bob of his throat. 

“Poor thing, I had no idea you were so allergic. Can’t blame you though, there was cat hair everywhere. Coating those dusty, old tapestries..”

“You’re gonna-heh-h..have to do better than’d that..” Sniveling back another hitch, Ed wiggled his nose and tried to keep his focus on that soothing little dark spot at the corner of the room. 

“I remember even after we left the ship you were still so affected. All red-eyed and sniffly. Actually, you looked a lot then like you do now." 

"Oh shut up," Ed rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the pounding tickle in his sinuses, as steady as a heartbeat.

"Imagine if it was on the bed with us right now? That fluffy tail right under your lovely nose.."

God, he could feel the phantom tingle of whispy fur dragging against his upper lip. That heady tingle spiked and Ed was caught up in another uncontrollable gasp, his nostrils rounding open for a sneeze. 

“Heh! Igheh—“ 

“Come on then.. give us a nice big one…” 

Perhaps it was Stede’s ill-timed comment, or perhaps it was by sheer stubborn will, but the sneeze died on the final gasp. Ed turned to face Stede, a muzzy but triumphant lopsided smile on his face. 

“Nice try.” Eyes hooded, voice still quivering at the edge of a sneeze. Ed licked over the front of his teeth, the movement scratching a little at the underside of his lip. It was just enough to bring that fussy nose of his under control again despite all the talk of cat hair. 

Stede grinned easily, eyeing Ed’s full lips with a flash of hunger.

“Fair enough. Do one thing for me love.” 

“Mm?” 

“Look up.” 

It was a bloody mistake. Without even thinking, Ed’s eyes glanced upwards…right into the tingly glow of the lamplight. The sudden brightness sent a fan of warmth down the length of his irritated nose and a sneeze tumbled out of him before he could even gasp for it. 

“H’Phhhbt-sshiew!!” 

His head snapped down with it. He couldn’t even come up again when another trailed after with a “HIP’TDSHH!!” 

Stede smiled, triumphant as Ed helplessly gasped towards a third. Tsking, he quickly held out an index finger, gently pressing it against Ed's raw, hot septum. A fat tear dribbled down Ed's cheek as he tried to hitch for another sneeze, hungry for a final scratch at that incessant itch. But Stede kept his finger in place, a maddening distraction from relief.

"Heh--HEH-fhhuuck...I h-hate it when you do that.." A watery, quivery sigh slithered out from between his lips and he slumped back into the pillows.

"Mm, sorry. You've reached your limit for the day. Time for a bit of a nap hmm?" Stede smiled fondly, see-sawing his finger against that little bundle of nerves under Ed's still-pulsing nostrils. Ed stretched his lip against it, watery eyes dopey with sleep. He sank further into the blankets and Stede tucked him in tight.

"--snff-- damn'b...almost won that.." Ed murmured, drifting off.

“Almost, dear. Almost.” 

Stede pressed a kiss to Ed’s forehead. 

Damnit…

Sometimes it was nice to lose. 

[the-ol-wazoo]

My friend: You like SNEEZING but you don’t think anyone else could POSSIBLY like you??

[the-ol-wazoo]

someone whose first sign of being sick is being exhausted. they take naps & wake up with a stuffy nose & realize oh they’re definitely getting sick. bonus points if their partner knows that about them too

[the-ol-wazoo]

do you ever think about how you’re stuck with this fetish for life, like my brain won’t ever not find sneezing sexy? it’s both comforting and hilarious thinking about being 80 like oh yeah sneezing babey!

[the-ol-wazoo]

guys just sound sexier when they're sick I don't make the rules

[the-ol-wazoo]

I woke up with some kind of horrible virus and can I just say, when you’re sick you are chilled to the bone in that special way that only happens when you’re sick. I have no idea if I’m making sense. I’m trying to find my thermometer as well.

[the-ol-wazoo]

Random personal thoughts:

Idk if anyone can relate to this but for a REALLY long time I struggled to talk about being sick. Like if I had a cold I would absolutely deny it no matter what because it was so cringe to talk about. If I did talk about it I would remember it as a humiliating experience. Looking back I think this had so much to do with self hate and being disgusted with myself in general. Recently I’ve been improving my self confidence little by little and found that for the first time, it has been SO much easier to me to openly talk about having a cold, sneeze or blow my nose in front of other people, etc and not feel weird or gross about it. Not feel like everybody in the room is judging or repulsed by me just for having a headcold.

Is this what mental health feels like??????

[the-ol-wazoo]

the only alignment chart that matters. tag yourself

[the-ol-wazoo]

welcome to the sphere here on tumblr :) saw you’re interested in writing, would love to read some izzy hands torture! if you ever felt inclined to write him trapped somewhere unfortunate with both ed and stede, like stranded on a beach or on a rowboat heading somewhere or heck even in prison somewhere or idk a banquent or a farmhouse or aaaa anything where it puts him in an uncomfy position where he cannot leave/escape for the time being :0 would love snz but general torture and angst is my jam. do with this prompt what you will, my friend! glad to see you !!

TW: Sneezing, snot, cursing, please let me know if there is anything else you think I should add. 

Okay this is my first attempt at writing a fic like this, with these characters, etc so please be nice and I'd love any feedback! Also I apologize for the intense amount of plot, I swear it gets good later! Sorry if I didn’t follow your prompt exactly anon! But I really like this troupe so I will probably revisit it again! 

          "Darling do you ever think Izzy would join us for dinner" Stede murmured as the two co-captains lay, curled up together, on the chaise lounge. Ed burst into laughter at his lovers suggestion and shifting so he could look at Stede wheezed out "the sea would freeze over before Iz would come to one of your dinners". The blonde man pouted, "Our dinners Edward, but wouldn't it be so nice to have him with us?" A soft kiss was pressed to his curls to placate him and they continued their snooze but the idea never left Stede's mind.

          Izzy was going to kill someone. At this point it didn't matter who, they were all insufferable, insolent lazy sobs that would hardly affect the ships success or lack thereof if they ended up as shark food. "Put the fucking rope down you- you useless fucker!" he bellowed as Lucius picked up and moved the same spool of rope for the fifth time. The scribe jumped and shot him a miffed look, "Well what else is there to do" he snapped. Clearly regretting his words as the first mate begun to tremble with rage. "I mean I better go help Pete...." he corrected and scurried off before Izzy could list everything that could be done. "WITH WHAT?! SITTING AROUND??" Izzy roared at his retreating figure. This crew, if they could even be called that, was going to be the death of him. Head throbbing with irritation the short pirate stalked towards the mess hall, set on a cup of black coffee to re-energize himself.

         "Boss" Izzy shot a glare at Ivan as he nursed his steaming mug, "We're almost at a port want me to alert the captain?" the pirate offered. "No" was the short reply, "I'll do it." Izzy stood in front of the door and with two sharp raps he waited for his captains response. "Come in" came the cheery call of that soft, bitchy lump of a man and the first mate shoved the door open with a bang. "Goodness!" Stede jumped, spilling his tea and from the window seat Ed leveled him with an unimpressed glare. "We're almost at a port Captain" Izzy ignored Stede fluttering as he tried to mop up the spill. "Alright" Ed paid him no mind as he helped fold up the wet tablecloth.

      "It's Midirva Captain.." Izzy said, "Want us to steer past?" Stede gasped in excitement, "Midriva!? Isn't that the spice city??" "Yeah love, you've been?" Ed asked. "No! But I've always wanted too" Stede said wistfully. "Too bad, it's swarming with navy" Izzy snarled. "If you want to go we'll go" Ed ignored Izzy's enraged sputtering and beamed at his partner. "Oh are you sure dear? I don't want to get us in trouble.." Stede wrung his hands but the hope was clear in his eyes. "We'll be fine!" Ed cried, "We're Blackbeard and The Gentleman Pirate!". "Fucking wankers" Izzy growled under his breath before striding off to make the landing preparations.

      "Oh! Oh! Over here Ed look!" Stede yelled bouncing towards another street vendor with the energy of a small puppy. Ed eagerly hurried to ooo and aaa over the array of little glass bottle filled with spices from all over the Mediterranean. The couple was in 'disguises', they both wore Stede's fanciest clothes, Ed's hair was shoved into a hat and Stede had darkened his with coal. Izzy was completely dressed in black, as always, with a scarf covering the lower part of his face. The scarf held two purposes, the first to render him less recognizable and the second Izzy realized as the strong burning scent of paprika stabbed into his sinuses. The first mate had always had a sensitive nose and had been dreading wandering through this market as soon as the stupid blonde pounce had gotten it into his head that they needed to go.

       The burning in his nose didn't distract him from the feeling of being watched and he began casually sideling up to his captain to alert him to the fact that they had been noticed when the first gunshot rang off. All discreteness discarded Izzy yelled, "RUN!!" And shoving the two bewildered men past the vendor they dashed through the tables. "My goodness what's going on!?" Stede wheezed as he struggled to keep up with the well conditioned pirates. "The fucking navy that's what's going on!" Izzy screeched furiously, "The fucking navy I told you would be here!" The little man was bright red with anger and he yanked both men unceremoniously into a tent as the yells grew louder behind them. 

     They huddled there and Izzy cursed his luck as the burn in his nose grew into a fierce tickle. Desperate to stay in control he shoved a gloved fist under his nose and frantically scrubbed the scarf over the twitching appendix. A gunshot rang out nearby and Stede stumbled back sending a piles of bags crashing to the ground in an explosion of herbs. The three men froze, waiting to see if they had been heard. As no one burst into the tent Izzy snarled, "Fucking imbecile, stay on your fucking-" "Iz." Edward interrupted voice laced with a deadly tone, "Watch your mouth".

        "But-" this time the angry man was cut off by his own hitching breath, the smell too much for his nose he stifled two silent sneezes into the scarf, gasping right after as the itch didn't dissipate. "You alright there Iz?" Ed's voice was amused as the first mate smashed his palm into his nose angrily scrubbing at it. "Fi-fhine" Izzy breathed out shakily, suppressing the need to sneeze again. "You sure?" Ed whispered, "These things bothering you?" he smirked kicking at one of the fallen bags and creating a plume of powder. "Ed!" Stede looked exasperated "leave the poor man alone!". 

       This show of sympathy was too much for Izzy and he sputtered for a second before launching into, "I'm fine! I'd be more fine if someone would fu-fucking-" he broke off with another sneeze that was nothing but a slight bob of his head and continued with an angry sniff, "Listen to me! What did I say?? I told you the navy would cause us trouble but nooo you had to go along with-" the man's voice had continued to rise and Ed quickly stepped forward and slapped a hand over his mouth which... probably wasn't the best idea as Izzy lurched forward with a harsh sneeze. Caught off-guard he wasn't able to stifle and another sneeze burst out before he could pull away, "HghhXXT". He yanked himself backwards and stared at Ed's outstretched hand frozen were he once stood. "Bless you?" offered Stede weakly and then the tent burst open.

          It was chaos as Ed grabbed for Stede's hand and with a shout pulled them through the back of the tent. He glanced back to ensure Izzy was following them and was gratified to see his first mate sprinting behind him. Turning his attention forward the pirate dragged Stede through another tent and then around a wall and over a hedge and under a bridge, he was pushed forward with a sense of desperation, he knew Izzy had been right and now they might die, he had to go faster. "ard! EDWARD!" he was jerked to a stop and spun to face Stede. The man was bright red and gasping for air, legs wobbling at the exertion, "Edward they got Izzy!" he cried out shakily. The other man paled and sunk to a crouch with a string of curses.

          Izzy wanted going to kill this fucking filth manhandling him into shackles. He was furious with Edward, Stede and him-fucking-self. If he hadn't sneezed, if he had fucking control of his goddamn nose he wouldn't have tripped and been captured. And Edward had left him. He tried to tell himself that was for the best but the hole in his chest didn't let him lie to himself. "Hey!" his captor yelled in his face and with satisfaction he let himself loose control. "Hhh'TCHHiih HATchhhiiih Et'chhHXXT" he sniffed triumphantly as the man reeled backwards scrubbing at the spit that had sprayed over his face and neck. "son of a bitch!" and then with a spark of agony Izzy's world went dark.

       Ed was going to kill them. Those fucking bastards had taken his first mate, his Izzy. “Ed, darling, we’ll get him back” Stede laid a hand on the trembling man’s shoulder but it was quickly shrugged off and the pirate sprung to his feet, “We gotta go get him.” he grunted and began striding back the way they had run. “Ed! Edward wait! We need to get back up!” Stede jogged after him trying to perused the other to get the crew. In the end they did have to turn back after hours of fruitlessly searching for the fiery first mate. 

        Izzy woke up to darkness, he blinked lethargically and letting his eyes adjust to the light he peered around his prison. As his surroundings grew visible he inhaled sharply in horror which was a big mistake as the scent from the stacks and stacks of spices stabbed into his nostrils like they were trying to escape out the back of his head. Instantly the burning pain deep with in his sinuses had his eyes watering and he shook his head as if to shake the discomfort out but now his nose was throbbing and there was nothing he could do. His hands were tied to a pole behind his back he couldn’t even rub his nose on his shoulder because the assholes had tied a rope around his throat to ensure he couldn’t sit down. 

      The burning was more of a buzz now like an angry bee in his nostrils and Izzy gasped as he fought to keep his eyes open. A few more desperate hitches and he snapped forward with a trio of poorly stifled sneezes, “IHXX! Nnnxxt! HinGXt-guh” he winced as his head pounded with the force of his restraint and sniffled wetly as his nose began to run. The shift of mucus had the itch returning in full force and he pursed his lips and scrunched his face frantically trying to rub his nose with his top lip. That did nothing but spread the moisture seeping from his red nostrils and the first mate shuddered with the need to sneeze. 

       His battle was over when he gasped and head rearing back to thump into the pole he lurched forward, “HghhXXT! KKxt! Hehh...Heh’KXXtch! Hhh’TCHHiih!” he staggered and yelped as the rope dug into his neck but his nose didn’t give him a break and he exploded again, “IhhXXtch! hhheh’KXXtch! Hh’TcHHiew!” Izzy was left gasping as his nose streamed down his face leaving him sputtering in disgust as it dripped onto his lips. “Fuggk” he groaned angrily trying to snort the mess back. He let his head bang into the pole and leaning forward slightly he did it again and yelled out in fury. 

       Unfortunately this alerted his captors of his consciousness. And soon Izzy found himself surrounded by three men. “God you’re disgusting” sneered one of them as they took in the mess dripping out of the pirates nose. The first mate spat a blob of phlegm at him with a snarl and a boot slammed into his stomach. “Nggg” he hunched over instinctively and the rope cut into his neck causing him to cough as he choked and pushed himself upright. 

       “Let me loose” he wheezed, “Fucking pussys” his voice broke and he pressed his lips together to swallow the coughs bubbling up his throat. The one that kicked him laughed and turning to the others grinned nastily, “Alright boys, why don’t we help him out? It sounds like he’s got a bit of a cold” Izzy growled and yanked at his binds as the soldiers started opening one of the bags. “Fucking weaklings!” he yelled, “Fight be like menh you lily livered-mmphf!” he was cut off as a handful of pepper was lobbed at his chest and a cloud surrounded his head. The effect was instantaneous and the pirate hitched desperately, every breath bringing more of the spice into his burning nose. “Hehhdt....?? hehH_ktch’xt! ih’KTx! hehh..ehhdtXX!..tuhh hehhH..Hehht’DATXXH!..guh” mucus dripped into past his lips and soaked into his beard and god did his nose fucking burn, “Let be loos-” another handful of pepper was thrown into the air to float down onto Izzy. “FUCK” the short man screamed in pure fury as it fell into his eyes and caught in his hair and fuck his nose, his nose! 

         “Should be in there boss” Fang hissed jerking his chin at the wooden warehouse at the outskirts of the town. “Should?” the captain's voice was dangerously calm. “Er, he is in there?” Fang corrected hesitantly, the only response he got was a grunt. “We move in at my signal is that under-” A muffled yell that could only be their angry first mate burst from the warehouse and Ed charged the door. The rag-tag group of crew stared after him for a second before Stede begun dashing after him, “What about the signal?!” Lucius wailed before running after Pete and the others. The place was pretty empty and the crew quickly realized Izzy must be in the basement and so the door was knocked down and the soldiers rushing up the stairs were shot and thrown back down to pile up at the bottom of the stairs and Ed was leaping over them into the room to rush over to his first mate as the man convulsed with frantic sneezes. 

       “HEHSCH hiew! heh’KSSHH! Ih-!! IHSSCHH! hehh...eddTSCHHiiew! Ishhheww! Hehh??..Hiihhiishhuu!” “I got you Iz, I got you” Ed murmured cutting the rope digging into the man’s neck and the first mate slumped forward as he continued to sneeze. “hiihh’KhhtSCHH! ihhSHHue! E-Edward?” Izzy had finally realized his captain was there as Ed caught him in his arms and after slicing the rope binding his arms pulled him into his chest. “Edward dno I gotta- hehhh’IXXT iiNGXXT” Ed pulled him tighter to his body and growled, “Don’t stop ‘em up like that you’re gonna get a headache” Izzy struggled for a little before his nose once again made its presence known. To exhausted to stiffle he shoved his nose into Ed’s leathers and shuddered exhaustedly, “ih’kshhu! iTCHHiew! heh-hhitchhheww.. Nggh” He slumped into Edward’s embrace with a whimper that was quickly swallowed. 

       “Come on loves'” Stede’s gentle voice broke the quiet, “Let’s get you back to the ship and cleaned up Israel”. Without pulling his face from Edward’s chest Izzy’s muffled voice murmured tiredly, “Dno more Midriva snff”. “Yes,” Stede agreed as Ed began the awkward shuffle to the stairs with Izzy still leaning into him, “We’ll listen to you next time Israel” he promised. Ed thunked his chin on Izzy’s head softly, “Sorry bout that mate”. 

[the-ol-wazoo]

Hey, I'm really into ofmd recently and I wondered if you'd be in the mood to write something a little angsty with Ed and Stede taking care of a stubborn sick Izzy?

Okay so this was written on the train from my college to my house for the long weekend! Happy fwoc!!! Please excuse any spelling/grammar errors and enjoy!

TW: snot, sneezing, cursing, and all that stuff

Izzy wasn't sick. He didn't get sick, sure sometimes his throat hurt and his nose ran and his skin felt like it was on fire but he had always worked through it. He had too, there was no time for a pirate to lay around and whine, especially not the first mate to Blackbeard. But now, now things were different, Stede fucking Bonnet had come into Edward and his life and now his own body was betraying him. He had grown soft, complacent and weak he thought to himself as he banished the nagging idea to just stay in bed and pushed himself to his feet with a sense of urgency. He couldn't let himself slack off or god forbid the idiots of the crew would bring them to their watery grave.

Getting dressed was a laborious affair, the first mate almost gave up on his waistcoat as his arms felt three times too heavy. His nose ran fiercely and he soon found himself digging through his linen chest trying to find another handkerchief to stop the flow. Growling in irration when his search proved fruitless he marched up to the deck with a mood so foul if you squinted you could see a storm cloud above his head.

As the morning dragged on the crew grew more and more tired of the constant screaming that ended in harsh coughs muffled in his elbow, the constant sharp sniffs from his beaked nose and the whole procedure of forcing his tickling nose into submission. Meanwhile Izzy was also getting tired of his raw throat and drippy nose and the itch! The godforsaken itch, it burned his sinuses and he found himself swiping at his eyes to clear the itchy tears. But anytime the tickle grew into something that could be a sneeze he squished it back against his knuckle.

But even with his incredible self control and his pride in his ability to work through anything he knew it was only a matter of time before the tickle grew to strong to hold back. Unfortunately that prediction came true at the worst possible time. "I was working Mr. Hands" the scribe bullshitted tucking his sketchbook behind his back as if it's disappearance would erase the fact that he had just been sitting behind the mast sketching Black Pete as he worked on the cannons with Big John. Izzy inhaled ready to start bellowing his displeasure when his breath caught and he clamped his mouth shut, eyes slamming shut with the force of the itch. His gloved hand came up to press furiously against his quivering nostrils and Lucias watched keenly as his chest hitched with desperation.

"Got a little tickle there?" He crooned enjoying the spectacle. "Sh-uhhaa" Izzy broke off into a gasp resorting to pinching his nostrils shut with a decidingly unpleasant squelch that had his cheeks flushing with humiliation. Perhaps it was the watery eyes, the way the first mates shoulders hunched forward making him seem small and defenseless, maybe it was pity for the caged sneeze or maybe it was just a sadistic urge to watch the man fall apart that had Lucias darting forward, pulling Izzy's black glove, shiny with moisture from his abused nose and brushing his quill under the leaking appendage. Izzy jerked back in fury, hand flying to his sword as Lucius lurched away. But it was too late, his nose had had enough and with a frantic inhale Izzy flew forward with a stifled sneeze, but one wasn't enough to make up for the hours withheld.

"iignxxx! Ha'txxx! IH! Tt'xch! ihGNK!" His chest heaved frantically and he had both hands clamped over his nose and mouth. The crew had all paused their 'work' to watch with gaping mouths as tears dripped down the first mates red face. It appeared he had forced his nose into some type of submission because there was a brief pause that he used to storm down into the bowels of the ship to suffer in peace. "Wowwww" Jim whistled and turning to the still in shock scribe they gave a grim smile, "you're gonna wish Edward had succeeded when Izzy gets back out here."

Izzy couldn't stop, he staggered through the dark hallways, eventually finding himself in the ballroom where he let himself sink onto a pile of cannon balls and let the tickle take hold again. This time he didn't bother with stifling, "huhGXSH! hh-HhGKTShiew..! iIEKSHEW! HH! Hh—AzssSCHIihww!! —hHH! HHH!! hH’hhDTSCHIIww! Gnnngg" he groaned as each sneeze unleashed a spray of mucus and saliva directed at the boards below. The last sneeze had been especially wet and with a scowl of disgust he pinched the strings of mucus off his nose and with a quick glance at the door swiped his fingers dry on the sole of his boot.

The forceful sneezes had shook something lose in him and the illness seemed to crash over him like waves. His eyes burned, his head pounded, his throat stung, his nose streamed and his body ached. It couldn't get worse than this he thought miserably slumping against the cannon balls. "Oh! Goodness! You really aren't looking so good are you?" Izzy shoot to his feet, hand reaching for his sword, "I stand corrected" he rasped to himself.

"Come to the captains cabin right away!" Stede chirped, "you are in no condition to work". "I'm not sick." Izzy insisted moving to push past the co-captain. A surprisingly strong grip stopped his attempt and steered the bewildered man right to the captains cabin. The daze the first mate had fallen into was broken when Edward looked up from the chaise lounge where he was spread out, "feeling a bit crummy mate?" He asked with a teasing lilt.

"No!" Izzy ripped away from Stede's gentle hand. "I am-" he broke off into a fit of chesty coughs, pressing his face to his elbow and trying to talk throughout " 'm- fi-fine" he croaked eventually emerging from his elbow and shrugging off Stede's hand with a sneer. Edward was smirking, clearly amused at his first mate's blatant lying. "Uh-huh clearly". It was at this moment that it all went to shit, well, more shit. The scented candle lit on the desk finally reached Izzy's poor nose and that was the last straw, it was even fucking lavender.

"Hiiih? Ihh! Haahh" he hitched for a second before falling apart. "Hh’Kssht! Hhhh’Kss! hhh’Huh..KSSHuh! hhtKKtchu- hhektchu!- Hh-hhh- ehhh- ehhktchh!-uh- ktchhU!!" Edward's smile had disappeared and he joined Stede in leading the gasping hitching man to the bed. Izzy still had his hand placed firmly over the lower half of his face and it was clear more sneezes were to come. "Jesus man, just let them out!" He ordered, "caa-candt" he hitched pressing his hand closer to his nose. "Yes you can" Edward growled and yanked Izzy's hand from his face. A string of mess connected his glove to his nose and he barely had the time to whine disgruntled before he began to sneeze again.

"HhtCChiUH- hhktCHiUHh- hhktcHHuih-kkTchUh- hhktChuHH- hhh- hh-ktchEW!" "Bless you! Bless you!" Stede exclaimed as izzy snapped forward with one more uncovered sneeze "HH’KSSHTUuhngg" mess covered his lap and clung to his beard, dripping from his nose like a faucet. The first mate was reeling with the force of his sneezes and it was clear that a fever had fogged his mind as he sat hunched on the bed not making any moves to clean up his face.

Which didn't matter because Stede was already on it. Bustling to his night stand he pulled out a pile of handkerchiefs and set to work wiping of the man's face. Izzy grumbled and half heartedly slapped at the blonde man's arm but made no real effort to stop his work. Stede, with the efficiency only a father could have, wiped him clean within seconds and soon had another handkerchief pressed to Izzy's swollen nose, "blow" he insisted.

Izzy furrowed his brow and tried to move away but Edward was there wrapping a hand around the back of Izzy's neck to keep him still, "do as he says mate" the pirate murmered and Izzy couldn't stop the shiver that coursed through his body. He hoped they thought it was due to his fever... with a huff he blew. Stede pinched one nostril at a time to let the congestion move and the crackle sound had Edward grimacing and Stede cooing in sympathy. The movement triggered a sneeze and Izzy tried to bring a hand up to pull Stede's hand away but Stede just held it more firmly to his nose, "just sneeze dear, I've got it".

Edward rubbed his thumb in small circles on Izzy's neck as he tried to fight back the sneeze, "Come on Iz let it out". "hehehhh… hetCHisshh! ehhKShhhoo!" He let out two dry itchy ones before rearing his head back and snapping forward into Stedes hand with a wet "ihh’tschIEW". Stede pinched away the mess and patted the first mates nostrils dry as Ed murmured praises to the trembling man. To tired and sick to complain the stubborn man let himself be bundled into bed, sandwiched between Edward who curled an arm around his waist and Stede who faced him and had a handkerchief ready in his hand.

"Alright Isreal when you feel like you need to sneeze just let me know and I'll catch it!" He said, clearly proud of his idea. Izzy peered at him blearily, the cheery man was wayyyy to close but he couldn't find the energy to care and let his eyes fall shut. A little sniff and "iikshiiew" he sneezed on Stede's chest before sleepily rubbing his nose on the man's robe. Ed shook with silent laughter and Stede couldn't help but chuckle fondly, "or not I suppose". Izzy's only response was a soft wheezy snore.