the-shitposter-within

[the-shitposter-within]

Happy 32nd birthday, Stefano!

Picture made with XNALara, model from MayaRokuaya, other stuff from places I don’t remember because I got them so long ago :/

[the-shitposter-within]

Soulmate AU Polyship LesRuSteSebJo Christmas Headcanons

Alternatively- A list of incredibly specific holiday-themed AU headcanons made for a gift exchange! EDIT: Putting this under a cut since it’s really long and I wasn’t thinking about it earlier.

SET-UP - Everyone is born with a small counter(s) on their left wrist, displaying the amount of time they have left before they meet their soulmate. It displays the number of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds until they met them.- When someone meets their soulmate, the counter disappears and is replaced by a heart - and the shift can be physically felt, so it's difficult (if not impossible) to miss having met your soulmate for the first time.

- Officially 'meeting' a soulmate tends to manifest as either eye contact or direct physical contact with one's soulmate, but either way the contact has to be direct. Meeting them over the internet or through a penpal program doesn't count (though there're various websites designed to help people find their soulmates based on the times left on their counters).

- If someone's soulmate hasn't been born yet, the counter is replaced with a string of dots, similar to an ellipses.

- Some people think 'soulmates' are limited to just two people, but there're actually many Soulmate Groups, where three or more people are soulmates with each other. Members of Soulmate Groups have multiple counters (one for each soulmate they're destined to meet) arranged from soonest to farthest away. Polygamous marriages are legal and fairly common as a result of this.

- If someone's soulmate(s) dies before they meet them, the counter grays out and becomes only zeros. If they die after having met them, the heart becomes a broken heart.

ACTUAL HEADCANONS - First off, alternate universe where Leslie and Ruben aren't sharing a body or something because... reasons. Okay, now onto the headcanons.

- The group is gearing up to have their first Christmas together as a proper group.

- Juli was invited (by Seb and Joseph) to stay over for the holidays, and despite being reluctant, Lily's relentless puppy-dog eyes got her to cave and agree to come.

- Ruben was initially a little sour about the whole affair, having a distinct disdain for anything remotely related to religion, but ended up mellowing out a little when he saw how excited some (read: Leslie and Lily) got in the weeks leading up to it.

- Stefano was openly and inexplicably bitter toward the entire concept of the holiday from the very first of the month. He outright ignored any attempts to get an explanation, but when his attitude suspiciously does a 180 immediately after the 22nd (i.e. his birthday) passes, the rest of the group suddenly realizes what was going on and groans/rolls their eyes at how unbelievably petty he is.

- He claims to have no idea what they're talking about. He's lying, of course.

- Everyone in the group is hard to shop for, since most of the things relating to their interests are things they'd rather get themselves/things they already own.

- The only exception is Lily, she'll be happy with almost anything they get her. She does, however, have a neat little Christmas wish list, with things like 'colored pencils' and 'a pet' written in multi-colored crayon.

- Seb and Joseph shop for Christmas gifts together (except what they get for each other, obviously).

- When asked who they're buying the kids stuff for at the store, everyone in the Dad Squad says its for their daughter - they all consider themselves as Lily's dads, even though Sebastian's the only biological parent in the group.

- The downside to this is that they all have very different ways they think Lily should be raised, and those ways often conflict.

-It took the combined efforts of Seb, Joseph, and Juli to keep Ruben from telling Lily that Santa Claus isn't real.

- Lily already knows. She's known for over a year now, but she's pretending not to because she doesn't want to make her dad(s) sad.

- Ruben has no interest in decorating the tree and Stefano gets banned from helping after trying to put what looked suspiciously like human remains up as decorations, so the bulk of the decorating falls on Seb, Joseph, Lily, and Juli.

- Lily, however, manages to get Ruben to join in and put exactly one (1) ornament on the tree. He goes back into the shared bedroom to read immediately after, but she's still so happy about it.

- Leslie's never messed with Christmas decorations before and the others are nervous about leaving him alone with so many sharp and/or breakable objects, especially with his history of panic attacks, so any decorating he does is closely supervised. He doesn't mind (or rather, doesn't really notice the distinction), and he and Lily end up having a lot of fun wrapping colorful lights and garland around the tree.

- Joseph put an Elf on the Shelf in the living room to encourage Lily to be good. The next morning it was found hanging from the ceiling fan with a note stapled to its chest.

- 'Put it back up. I dare you.'

- No one ever figured out who did it, but there was a strong suspicion that the culprit was either Ruben or Stefano.

- It was Juli. She saw it out of the corner of her eye when she was headed to the bathroom in the middle of the night and almost pissed herself. And then she got revenge. And the Elf on the Shelf was no more.

- On the night of the 23rd, it starts snowing, and it doesn't stop until nearly 10 AM the next morning.

- Everyone bundles up and they all go outside to have some fun in the snow (with varying degrees of willingness). It's kind of a disaster.

- Lily tries to build a snowman, but then Stefano steps in and tries to get her to be more creative with it. Which is sweet, until he starts trying to make it look like its head is half cut off, at which point Sebastian and Joseph intervene.

- Seb viciously lobs a snowball starts a snowball fight with Stefano, and in the end Joseph, Juli, Ruben, and Lily end up getting dragged into it. Seb, Joseph, and Juli end up on one team while Ruben, Stefano, and Lily are on the other.

- Leslie stays on the sidelines, keeping himself out of trouble and also making little mini-snowmen to line the back porch with. They're all a little lopsided but that somehow makes it even more adorable.

- Joseph and Ruben are the strategists for their respective teams, and end up taking the whole thing way too seriously as they try to out-calculate each other.

- Team KCPD try to take down Stefano first, thinking that he'd get annoyed and give up after enough snowballs to the face, but it just makes him better at dodging.

- For the most part, no one bothers Lily, even as she pelts Team KCPD with lumpy little snowballs.

- Ruben spends almost five whole minutes sitting behind a tree and packing a single snowball together for maximum damage 'aerodynamic quality.' It ends up hitting Seb square in the jaw. He accuses Ruben of trying to break his nose, something Ruben doesn't directly deny.

- "What're you talking about, Seb?"

- Juli 'accidentally' hits Stefano in the crotch, and while Sebastian's laughing at the face he makes Ruben hits /him/ directly in the face with a huge snowball. Literally makes him eat snow.

- All things considered, the fight gets out of hand and some muttered apologies are exchanged after the fact.

- Ruben mostly stays inside after the fight, since he has trouble with temperature control due to his burns and doesn't want to risk catching something. He got so caught up in what was going on that he forgot to take his body's limitations into consideration, and immediately goes to correct that (mainly by changing into warm, dry clothes). He still watches the others from the window, though.

- Lily, Leslie, and Juli (whom was dragged into it) make snow angels together and then help each other up so there aren't any hand/footprints ruining them.

- After a few hours out in the snow, the whole group ends up going back inside, to avoid getting sick.

- Joseph, as the designated Team Mom of the Dad Squad, makes hot cocoa for everyone.

- Later that night, all seven of them sit down and have a Christmas movie marathon. Ruben isn't really interested in any of them and mostly reads through the movies, but the others are glad he's there.

- Leslie falls asleep in the middle of one of them and ends up slumped over against Joseph. Stefano takes a picture of it when they aren't looking.

- Lily ends up falling asleep too, and at that point they all quietly agree that it's time to wrap it up.

- On Christmas day, Lily woke up at 6:30 in the morning and immediately ran to go wake up the Dad Squad.

- Joseph had been up for half an hour already and was in the kitchen making red and green pancakes (food coloring), bacon, and eggs

.- Ruben was also up, and was sitting in the living room, watching a show about medical anomalies.

- The three remaining dads were promptly woken up by Lily and dragged downstairs to where the gifts sat under the tree.

- Joseph tried to insist that they have breakfast before opening presents, but Seb tells him they may as well do it now since Lily won't be able to sit still until the gifts are open.

- The gift opening is only about 13% disaster.

- There're two unsigned gifts under the tree - the first is addressed to everyone in the Dad Squad, and upon unwrapping it they find a large bottle of cranberry-scented lube. No one asks who put it there but everyone has their own suspicions. Most of them suspect Stefano.

- They're right. He thought it'd be hilarious to see everyone's reactions and he was right. Lily's too busy with her own presents to notice all her dads silently imploding.

- The second unsigned gift is addressed specifically to Ruben, and inside is a little tube of burn cream. There's a long moment of uncomfortable silence before Ruben says something.

- "You're about thirty years too late, but thanks anyway." It's the most sarcastic tone they've ever heard him use, and that's saying something.

- Seb was behind that one. He thought it'd be a lot funnier than it turned out to be.- Lily made little arts and crafts things for all of them. Origami flowers, little dolls and animals made from clay and/or popsicle sticks, drawings etc. It's adorable.

- Leslie made everyone sugar cookies (with a lot of help from Juli), which turned out a little misshapen but still tasted good.

- In an unexpectedly sentimental gesture, Stefano made a photo album full of pictures he'd taken of their little family over the past few months and addressed it to everyone. Many of the pictures are candids none of them realized he'd taken at the time, like a picture of Joseph, Lily, and Leslie baking together or one of Seb and Ruben curled up together on the couch. There are even a few from the past week or so, indicating he'd been adding to it right up until Christmas.

- Everyone gets really sentimental about it and they spend a good ten minutes flipping through it.

- The only one who got an individual gift from Stefano is Lily, whom received a sketchbook and a set of high-end colored pencils. She's already putting them to good use by lunchtime.

- Juli wasn't 100% sure what to get anyone, so she mostly just got them clothes - sweaters, scarves, etc. Seb ends up with an ugly sweater with reindeer and snowmen on the front, which everyone immediately pressures him into changing into. Even he admits that it's hilarious.

- Ruben gets almost everyone practical items he knows they'll get a lot of use out of; a trench coat for Seb, a glasses cleaning kit for Joseph, photo development chemicals for Stefano, a sweater for Leslie, and a pair of gloves for Juli. Lily, by contrast, gets a junior science kit that no one quite knows how to feel about.

- Joseph does much of the same, getting everyone things he feels they'll be able to use.- Lily put 'a pet' on her Christmas wish list, and The Dads deliver - they get her a hamster, complete with a cage and hamster food. Joseph gives her a mini-lecture on responsibility and how she'll have to be the one to clean the cage, feed it, etc. She only half listens, mostly just excited to have a pet.

- The hamster is a Teddy Bear hamster, and Lily names him Yogurt. It's adorable.

- After the present unwrapping is over, Joseph drags them all into the kitchen for breakfast, which has gotten cold and has to be reheated. Lily sneaks bits of pancake into her pockets to give to Yogurt later.

- When everyone gets through with breakfast they all occupy themselves with their presents, trying on gifted clothes, and in Lily's case playing with toys (and Yogurt).

- Joseph and Stefano drop a few hints to Juli during lunch, and she ultimately gets what they're trying to communicate.

- After lunch, Juli takes Lily to see a movie under the guise of 'girl time', so that the Dad Squad can spend some 'dad time' together. Immediately after the car pulls out of the driveway, they all head to the bedroom and give that new cranberry lube a test drive.

- By the time the girls get back, the Dad Squad has already gotten cleaned up, though they all still smell suspiciously like cranberries.

- This is also the point where they realize the entire living room is an utter mess of torn wrapping paper and empty cardboard boxes which they can no longer ignore.

- ~Cleaning Time with Joseph and Stefano~

- Lily, Seb, and Juli get roped into cleaning, too. Leslie falls asleep on the couch and Ruben picks up exactly what part of the mess is his fault before walking away to read the dense medical text he got. They do get it done, though.

- Dinner goes much better than anyone expected. Seb, Joseph, and Juli all work together to get the actual food made and nothing gets burnt. Other than Lily sneaking more food into her pockets for Yogurt, things pass relatively uneventfully, and after some precarious and slightly questionable stacking methods, all the leftovers get put away.

- The whole group ends up falling asleep on the couch together at 10:30 while watching a made-for-TV Christmas special, with the photo album left open on the table.

BONUS: I was gonna add a set of images (made in XNALara) to go with the headcanons, but I ran out of time and only got two done out of the 4-5 I was planning :’) But here they are anyway, since I didn’t want them to go to waste!

Enjoy!

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[the-shitposter-within]

Made because I have no self-control for all the SteSeb shippers out there.

Also, made with XNALara.