the-space-between-souls

[the-space-between-souls]

I don't know if the medicine is making this better or worse.

[the-space-between-souls]

Up in the middle of the night coping with pain and knowing I won't be able to work today. Feeling like a useless eater. Don't believe that ideology, I don't hold these problems against other people, but can't get over how I feel about myself. What am I honestly worth to anyone.

[the-space-between-souls]

I tried to write out a post CBTing my issues today but the facts did a lot more to support my depressive thoughts than detract from them.

Diving into the reasons the doctors give no fucks about me, can't help me, and blame me for taking up space in their offices and emergency rooms just makes me wonder why I'm still trying.

They can't fix me. They can't help me. I'm too pathetic to help me.

I deserve this disease and everything it does to me. Cuz I was born with it and I'm too pathetic to handle it. Genetic dead end and personal failure.

But I keep existing and wishing it'd stop anyway.

That's fun.

[the-space-between-souls]

Being chronically ill and sitting here listening to everyone talk about reducing plastic waste when literally every day I have to use plastic bandages to avoid sepsis and packaged meals because they're the only way I can eat something vaguely healthy.

It's a special level of devastating to know that I'm a burden on our healthcare system, on the mental health of everyone I know, and on the planet and ecosystem in general. I feel like I never want to have another conversation with another human.

I get to be The Worst by virtue of existing, and I should be able to magically cure my many and varied chronic health problems if only I Tried Harder, because the constant stress and crying over never making any progress is a clear and obvious sign of my laziness.

[the-space-between-souls]

I see so many posts where people talk about the problems trans people have with bathrooms. About not appearing to be the "correct" gender for your location. And I want to add a non-trans story to the pile of why all of that is bullshit.

6 foot tall, broad-shouldered, androgynous voice, unfashionable, cisgender woman. Getting dirty looks in a bathroom.

I'm not trans but everyone thinks I am when they look at me, so I get to put up with the same abuse time to time. It makes me never want to go out anywhere in public. People just want to hate and alienate others so badly, and there's no way to fit in this imaginary box they invented.

Sorry I'm ugly. Sorry I have natural hormone discrepancies. Sorry I remind you that not all women are born tiny and slender and beautiful. You'll yell at me, a cisgender woman, for being in the place you think everyone afab belongs, because you don't think I'm the kind of person who should be there. But there are much more beautiful trans girls you'll never even notice because they look the way you want women to look and they won't attract your hate.

Look at you, protecting your idea of what women should be instead of treating us all like fucking human beings.

Isn't that fabulous.

[the-space-between-souls]

Wasting another day crying in bed again. Feeling like a useless resource drain on everyone around me.

There's no point in posting this on an alt account because nobody watches my main account to begin with. And no point posting it at all because nobody who does watch me cares or can help me anyway.

[the-space-between-souls]

my god, there is never any time to recover from the world

[the-space-between-souls]