the-st0ryofagirl

[the-st0ryofagirl]

Unfortunately, It Could Not.

When things are too good to be true, it's often because they are. I hate to say that this is the common denominator from all of my relationships. I start to give and soon everything just snaps, twists and grotesquely shifts in front me. Who knew something that seemed so beautiful and inviting could be so deceptive and cause so much harm? Is this how Eve felt when she took a bite of that enticing red apple given to her by a mesmerizing snake? At first I felt so foolish for falling for your antics. Now I will stop blaming myself for just letting myself feel. I was not the one who hurt me, you did. I was not the liar or the cheat, you were. How could I blame myself when I just wanted to experience something beautiful? Something innocent? Something I thought I finally deserved?

I've gone through so many emotions in just one week and a half, because that's how long it's even been since we've been done. You've been done much longer but I was just catching up. At first, you had me feeling worried. Worried for your mental health, I felt I wasn't doing enough, and if you did something stupid to yourself I was so worried that I would have been at fault for not doing enough to help you knowing your mental state. When you told me you wanted to be done but left the door open for us in the future, I was Confused because we were doing so well and it seemed so sudden to me. I was also Hopeful because we had already started building something so beautiful together, I couldn't fathom not coming back to it and continuing to build what we had. When I found out it was all a lie I felt Pure Rage, an anger that made every inch of my body burn a fire I had never felt before. I had never felt this emotion course through me before and I didn't know how to handle it. It kept me up all night, my body too hot to calm down on its own and my mind generating the heat to keep it going. Days after I felt Disappointment, in you and in myself, for many things. I felt disappointed you weren't the man I thought you were, disappointed I still longed for you, disappointed things ended the way the did. I'm not sure the emotion for this, but I mourned for you. I mourned for us. I mourned for something that could have been but never was. I mourned for the progress I had made with myself to have it be snatched back by actions that weren't even mine to begin with. I mourned for broken promises and wasted time. And then I felt nothing. I'm not sure if I'm realizing that you didn't make me happy or if it's just a coping mechanism but to realize that I liked the attention and the affection and not YOU made all the difference in getting through this. All this time you never gave me what I asked for, but I settled for the kisses, for the good morning texts, for the time spent together and the attention you gave me.

In the end, we were both liars of sorts. Your lies were malicious, however, and mine were innocent and naive.

Every now and then I still look back at what we had miss it. I do miss you, as much as I hate to admit it. I wouldn't take you back, but I guess I still like looking through the eyes of the rose tinted glass that I looked at things when we were together. Now I'm just lonely and I ache for someone to be there to comfort me. I'm still processing getting over you, after all, it's only been a week and a half for me. You've been checked out for longer, I know, but you sure did bounce back. How is it that you had a girlfriend as soon as we ended thing? That hurts. You didn't need time to mourn or get over anything. The book you gave back to me still smells like you and I hate it. How is it that a scent clings longer to our past that you can. It hurts to think that I meant nothing to you. That everything was a lie to help you feel less lonely too. At least my lies held emotion. At least my lies were only half hearted.

[the-st0ryofagirl]

Could It Be?

Another entry post, another man that has entered my life. You feel different though. You feel real, and safe. I recently heard that relationships that feel like lighting in a bottle aren't something that is meant to last. Unfortunately, that was all I seemed to attract. While I do believe that we are a slow burn, I'm open to what we can be. I still feel hesitant to fully put myself out there after being hurt so many times before. To have it always end prematurely with often no explanation as to why things don't work out. I'm scared that if I start to give in to the feelings and let my brain shut off for a bit that I'm just opening up my heart for pain and deception. It's not the brightest outlook I must admit, but jesus fuck everyone before you has taught me that people don't stick around. I used to think that there was something wrong with me, something that maybe fell too quickly for people and that set off warning bells for them to dump me. But, like I mentioned before, you feel different. You feel...right. The fact that we didn't kiss until our third date and it was simply a beautiful, innocent kiss and nothing more means so much to me. All the guys that I've been with before have used a kiss as a gateway to access to my body. They've used it as a ticket to ask for more and me, not knowing how to push back, have always just goen along with it even if I didn't necessarily want to for the fear of pushing them away or losing them. I know better now, but I just want to thank you for not asking for more. It's insane how slow we're taking things, it makes me feel like I'm the one who wants things to move faster, but I can't figure out if it's because I want that with you or if that's all I know. My gut it's saying it's the latter, but I'm more than happy to learn to let my guard down, and learn to be properly loved by you.

Earlier today I was thinking about how beautiful it would have been to know you sooner. I wish that you would have been my first relationship when I was younger so that I could learn what it really feels like to be treated with kindness and respect in a relationship, an actual individual, a woman of value, instead of what my past relationships have made me feel. Things like making me feel cheap, or used just for my body. At the same time though, I'm still learning how to navigate relationships in general. Maybe I needed to go through all I did to really appreciate what we're building and to know how valuable of a person you are. I feel completely safe with you, I can totally be myself and I feel like we're very friendly. It's exciting to actually start off this way and now we get to explore each other with that foundation built for us already. This is new territory for me and I'm still learning to navigate, patience will be necessary for both of us, for him to understand why I can't trust him so quick and for me to not rush into things. But I'm hopeful for how things will go with you.

[the-st0ryofagirl]

e x p i r e d

Apparently I have an expiration date of 4 months. That seems to be the longest I can have a relationship with any guy, from the beginning. I feared this was all too good to be true, but i went along with it. Why? Because I longed to be intimate, I ignored all the red flags you brought up. But I must thank you for the time I had with you. These moments in time are always a learning experience. This time around, I learned that i like to be affectionate. I like being able to have discussions on things that have opposite standpoints, but not on certain topics, and certainly not when our viewpoints are so drastically different. I can’t be with someone who’s values clash so much with mine, even though some values we did share. I can’t be selfish by keeping you around when the though of possibly being pregnant with your kid scared the absolute shit out of me, not even because I’m scared to have a kid right now (which I am) but mainly because I feared that the way you viewed things was so different than the way I did. (I also learned that pregnancy scares are no fun, especially while you can’t get a pregnancy test because you can’t leave your damn home due to both your parents and a ramping virus). 

We only decided to stop talking yesterday, and all day you’ve been on my mind. While ultimately I know we made the right decision, I can’t lie to myself and say that I didn’t like you and that I don’t miss you and miss talking to you. You were there for me, talking to me every day for four months. You showed me how much you cared for me, and it felt so good to be liked and cared by you. It was my first time feeling such love and affection from anyone. But I’ll be okay, i always am, this part is one I know all too well. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

you’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you

You’re quite possibly the most exciting thing that has happened to me in years. You make me feel in ways that I’ve never even felt before in my life. Just the thought of you fills my stomach with butterflies. Being away from you genuinely feels heavy on my chest. I don’t know how you managed to do it, but you’ve snuck into my heart so sneakily, so effortlessly. Is this just my desperation to feel close to someone? While the thought did cross my mind, I can confidently say that’s not the case. You are just something else. 

I’ve never felt more wanted before, a genuine reciprocity of wanting between two people. For body and mind. I feel so beautiful, so cared for when I’m with you. We’re just starting to date, but it’s crazy how well I feel like I know you already. We do talk every day, and when we see each other it doesn’t take very long to warm up and get the jitters out of our system. I love the little things that you do too, like when you want me to hold your hand but you’re too shy to take it so you playfully tap on my thigh until I muster up the courage to take your hand in mine. Or when you already have my hand in yours and you bring it up to your lips and gently kiss each of my fingers. When you do this it makes me feel oddly safe with you, it’s endearing and in the moment I have no idea what to do other than stare at you with a goofy smile on my face. I also love the way that you’re silly with me. I have never been lucky enough to be with someone where we can playfully kiss each other, tickle each other in bed and just lay there talking about anything. I’ve never been this intimate with anyone before, even though I have had sex with others, I’ve never been cared for the way that you care for me. 

Being with you has been a blessing so much. My friend recently said “you don’t know what you’re missing until it happens”, I find this to be very true. With all of my exes, they never really wanted to publicly show any signs of affection. I always wanted to hold their hands or kiss them in the car quickly, but I never got to the point where it was comfortable enough to do that with any of them. They never showed me that I could do that with them. With T it’s so different just thinking bout it makes me want to cry. He reaches for my hand or stands super close to me, playfully bumping into me while waiting in line, waiting with open arms for me on the couch and immediately grabbing my hand after, sneaking kisses in front of everyone to see, whether it be on my cheeks or my lips. I don’t feel like you’re ashamed of me at all, you want to show everyone that we’re together, and I’ve never had that before. I don’t think you know how good that feels, to be wanted, to not feel hidden or feel like someone’s dirty little secret. With M, AC and AS I always felt like they were never proud to have me. But you with you T, I don’t have to worry about that and you’ll never know how much I appreciate that. 

Besides the physical, I’m also attracted to so many aspects of your mind and personality. You’re smart, your intelligence isn’t what I’m used to, but I can definitely see it beam through when you talk so passionately about literally anything. The way you care so much about those that are close to you is something that I find extremely attractive as well, you have a big heart and you aren’t afraid to show it. While your past is something that does concern me sometimes, I can’t expect people to be perfect all the time. Your past has made you learn from your mistakes, it’s made you street smart and personable, and it’s made you the person who I like so much today. There’s so much I want to share with you but my own past is something that I simply don’t know how to bring up. I have dark secrets that form my identity even today, but the secrets I hold have roots that start with me and extend to those I hold dearest to my heart. I can’t tell you until I am 100% positive I can trust you, but how can I get there if I can’t fully open up? If you start to feel the walls that I have up and decide not to push me? This is all so new to me, I don’t know how to navigate this and sometimes it drives me crazy because I want to let you in sooo bad, it makes my heart hurt to not be able to, or at least to do it this slowly. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

verb: action, occurrence; the state of being..

i miss intimacy. There’s no person I miss being intimate with, I just miss the actions that come associated with intimacy, the feelings that take over. I miss having someone to talk to about anything at all, knowing what makes them tick, in any sense of that word; whether it be what makes them happy, what they’re passionate about, what their guilty pleasures are, what their actual pleasures are, what spot on their body makes them sigh happily when I graze my lips over them, learning what kissing them is like, not knowing how to act around them. I miss having someone to sleep next to, to have my body fit perfect into theirs while we doze off for an afternoon siesta, or maybe even not fitting perfectly but making it work, one way or another. I miss having the small thrills, short hits of adrenaline, and my heart beating so fast at just the thought of them. The stolen glances and small smirks when we’re in public when we’d much rather be anywhere else with a little more privacy. I want to feel nauseatingly uncertain about how to pace things, about whether I should reach for their hand for the first time, do they like holding hands in public? Should I link my arm around theirs instead? I miss the serene silence that comes with being around the right person, not having to talk, but just sitting there and enjoying each others presence while you travel through your world in your own head and they travel through theirs. I miss having a person to grow with

[the-st0ryofagirl]

12:45 AM

Hey, I miss talking to you..I feel sort of weird for reaching out to you because I totally don’t wanna seem lame by messaging someone I used to talk to, who’s starting a serious relationship with someone, but I find myself wondering what you’re up to every once in a while and I hate feeling like I can’t reach out to you and that it’d be weird if I did. I get that we have history but we were chill and we didn’t really end on bad terms..sooo I guess this is me taking your offer seriously of wanting to keep in touch. Just to be clear with my intentions, I’m totally just reaching out to you as an old friend. Anywaysss, now that I got that out, how’ve you been? How’s your research?? Any advancements over the summer? Where have you gone by they way, I feel like you’ve been everywhere this summer! Also, those damn plants of yours found their way into my heart and I need to know, urgently, how they’re doing. Respond whenever so I get a lengthy and non half assed response, please and thanks. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

dear...

To the first guy I’ll ever love, 

I don’t know how to start this, I have so many things I want to say. I guess I want to say, lucky you. I know as i’m writing this I’ve yet to know how much I can truly love you, but I know that I won’t hold back. The love that I give you will be like the love of the books and movies. I hope that you’re a good guy and that you don’t break my heart too bad, because knowing myself I know my heart is in your hands. I won’t tell you how I feel directly because I’m shit at words, and I know that it’ll be suffocating sometimes, but just know that it all comes from a very good place. You see, I’ve been waiting all my life to meet somebody who loves me as much as I love them. And I know that you love me because once I get a hint, a whiff, a sight of that love, that’ll be my green light to give it my all. And boy I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you, it’s intoxicating to me. 

Please be patient with me. I understand I might not be your first love, I’m still learning the ropes. I’l fuck up, I know it. And I might not even see what I did wrong, but I never mean to hurt you. That’s the last thing i want. If I ever decide to do something that you don’t understand, it’s probably because I’m too much in my own head, or it’s a bad day for me. Bad days happen, and they aren’t pretty. I hope you don’t have to deal with them too often, but I know one of two things will happen: I’ll push you away completely, or I’ll cling to you like a life-raft in the middle of a stormy sea. I ask of you, please be patient

[the-st0ryofagirl]

One day I’ll feel beautiful. I know that one day I’ll get to loving myself. But maybe that’s the problem? I believe that in order to love yourself, I have to love the way that i look...but I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who loved me just for my looks. Maybe I need to start deeper than that. 

College was supposed to help me find myself, and I’m still not there yet but the fog has lifted. I know that I care deeply about other people. I care about what others have to say, what they think, and how the world is treating them. I love seeing the world through different perspectives and I think that everyone’s minds make the world an amazing place. Scientists have said that humans are predictable, but I guess I just haven’t found the equation yet that makes me see them that way.

I’m not sure where this post was going when I started writing this, I’m mind babbling. Is there a word for that? There must be. Perhaps it’s just babbling. idk. I think my thoughts are heading in this direction because the pressure for what I’m going to do with my life are becoming more and more suffocating. Every question I get from everyone around me about what I’m going to do with my life, every time I respond I feel like I’m lying to them. I’m not confident I want to be a nurse, I know part of me wants to do it, but not all of me and that’s what’s making moving forward so difficult. Also, the insane amount of schooling that I have to do to finish nursing school is also extremely daunting. AND I hate change, and a step towards what I what to do with my life next seems so definitive. I feel as though once I move forward with what I decide to do next there is no looking back anymore and I’m going to be launched into this new life. 

It’d be so much easier to do this if I was sure of who I was. I still feel like a child, not an adult. I can’t do shit for myself and I hate it. I need to get my shit together soon. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

I know I ain’t your girl, and I never was, but the way you made me feel when we were together made me feel like we belonged to each other. We didn’t own each other, we just…belonged together. 

Together was our natural state. 

Well…at least it felt like mine. 

It’s crazy how clear things were before we had that talk. I genuinely was so comfortable around you. I believed that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. In fact, I thought you might have liked me more than I liked you. My naive ass really thought that you’d be the first guy that would want to claim me as theirs. I for real thought you’d want me to be your girlfriend. How delusional must  I have been. No one has ever wanted that. How stupid of me to think you’d be the first. 

I must be going crazy. Even looking back at all the times that we were together there were no red flags of you pushing me away. In fact, everything you did brought me closer to you. I was actually guarded going into this and your actions, your initiations, made my walls fall. 

That’s what must have scared you. You saw as the bricks that made up my walls fell. Not one by one, but all together and you saw what lay inside. It wasn’t your cup of tea I suppose. I miss you. It’s only been a little over a week. It’s crazy when someone tells you that they don’t want you, how much your mind craves that person. Kind of like you don’t realize you have an addiction until you try to stop using the drug and you get withdrawal symptoms. 

Except you were the drug, and you rejected me. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

So many ways to feel

So many ways to read into the words that spill out of my mouth like a babbling brook, they don’t make sense and yet the stream of letters strung together continue to flow in an uneven, bumpy, choppy....

My words are flopping. 

How can I express what’s trying to burst out of me if my brain, my heart and my tongue are at war? Each wanting their own voice but forced to be one. 

Sometimes I say stupid things, often I don’t mean them. But I can’t truly ever say what I’m feeling if I don’t know how to explain it. My cultures are separated by borders, my words and emotions are too. English and Spanish in a continuous war over me at all times, but emotions and words together are a frontier neither languages have yet to conquer. 

I can only make sense if you analyze my writing, metaphors and ways of being are emotions expressed, alive with hearts beating. I cannot tell you how I feel. I cannot even tell myself how I feel. I just feel. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

things you like:

plants

trees

physics

the sun

the moon

exploring

sunsets

weed

old trucks

good music

driving

deep throating

my lips

cool shells

coffee

secluded beaches

cooking

palms

spicy food

thai!

cookies and creme hershey’s

reese’s pb cups 

morning sex morning sex morning sex

90s rap and hip hop

eminem included

watching me dance (not as creepy as it sounds, and not explicitly said, just an observation)

stick shift 

someone else..

[the-st0ryofagirl]

So I guess it’s you now

So I know that I tend to write on here when I have guy problems, or there’s something new in my life regarding a guy...so I assume you know what this post is gonna be about...

I know it may seem like I hop from guy to guy pretty quickly, and in a sense it’s kind of true. If there’s someone who shows me even the littlest bit of attention I stick to them like glue. I convince myself that the attention they’re showing is what I deserve. I believe this is due to the fact that I’ve never really been with a guy that has shown me that I’m valuable to them, almost all the guys that I’ve talked to have used me for their own pleasure. MTT was an exception, sort of, but not really since we were never boyfriend/girlfriend so it still felt like whatever we did was hidden/shameful. 

But holy cow, A.S makes me feel thinks I’ve never felt before. I get the damn butterflies, and I smile like an idiot when I think of our time together. 

So backstory short, we matched on Tinder a while ago while he was over on this side of the world for an orientation program before the school year was over (this was probably winter quarter of my junior year) (and he’s from the east coast too). We have been messaging ever since, and two weeks ago was the first time that we hung out. He came to SC around 2 pm and we went to go get burritos to-go and ate them at the beach, and that was supposed to be the end of the date since we both had plans for later that night, but we ended up going on a small hike and got to know each other more and more. We got lost, in each other that day. We were also really stoned, I had cottonmouth but I enjoyed kissing your coffee tainted lips under a graffiti painted bridge. 

We both cancelled our plans that night. Settling for making out in the car, my infamous bjs, listening to music and then closing the night off with a movie at the theater (Black Panther) and then saying goodbye at around 1:30 am. 

The next two weeks have been spontaneously texting each other when we can, he’s a busy busy guy (getting his damn masters and phD at the same time wtf), but he still texts me at the end of the day when he can to see how my day’s going and updates me on his. It’s so nice to talk to him, I don’t have to try to impress him. This Friday we made plans to hang again and so we did! After class on Friday he came over and we went to check out some beaches along the coast. The setting was perfect, the beaches were absolutely amazing, the sun was setting...it’s just always such a great time with him around. I not once checked my phone or checked the time at all, and time flies by when I’m with him..it’s like time doesn’t exist, it just all blurs together. I’ve never really been in a romantic relationship with anyone before where I’ve had such a genuinely nice, pure and natural connection. Not to mention the damn chemistry between us is insane.

After the beaches he came over to my place where we cooked and made pasta, we shared a bowl of pasta. How damn fucking cute are we. I’m smiling like a damn idiot just writing that sentence. He doesn’t watch TV either so him watching America Ninja Warrior while high was like the cutest shit ever because he was so stoked for it. After eating we had said earlier we wanted to watch that Indiana Jones movie, so we went up to my bed to watch it. Both my roommates were away. 

Stoned and horny, wanting the feel the physical side of our connection, we started making out and then we eventually ended up having sex. I wanted him so so much, there wasn’t any denying it. I could feel how much he wanted me though. Let me tell you something he’s got a preeetty big dick, and he genuinely feels so good inside me. Except sometimes when he went all the way inside me, I could feel him rearranging my insides just a little. And we got to try some different positions I hadn’t done before, it was way exciting. I also learned that I can deep throat his whole dick pretty well, the full 6(+?) inches. He got to meet my roommate and they talked and they seemed like they were vibing pretty well. 

We slept in the same bed and I surprisingly actually slept? Which is also crazy for me, because I struggle so much to sleep with others in the bed, especially other guys because I get all self conscious and start overthinking things, like where I should put my legs, where I should put my arms, etc. etc. etc. But with A, the fact that we were so comfortable with each other translated even in the aspect of sleep and cuddles. His body was always in search of mine, when i turned around, the way that our bodies wanted to moved towards each other and the way that our bodies just fit together. I didn’t have to worry about what I should do, because everything you do gives me reassurance for how you feel for me. I also had morning sex, and got eaten out multiple times, it was crazy and amazing holy shit. I’m sore btw. Like, all over. 

We then had coffee in the morning and we just talked and talked some more. When I went to go drop him off at his car we kissed goodbye and hugged in the parking lot and he brought up when the next time he was gonna see me was. When he asked I was genuinely shocked but it made me so giddy. He wanted to see me again...meaning last night didn't suck for you, right?! Texting for most of the day after that, nice too. We made plans for the next time we see each other, it seems I might be going to visit his campus instead this time! Staying the night most likely. 

I’m so excited and scared because this is the realest thing I’ve felt for someone in such a long time. He’s already caught me slippin’ here and there, maybe soon he’ll see me fall, I definitely feel like I’m stumbling for now. I just want to know what you think about everything, where’s your mind at boy? Let me know for my own sake and mental clarity plz 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

it’s just a phase

I know that this is just a stage in my life that I need to get over. But I’m still going through the stage and the feelings and emotions that I’m feeling are very real to me right now. It’s been one day past two weeks now before we last saw each other. You gave me so much fucking hope. Why tell me you want to keep in touch and that you want to hang out if you’re going to be seeing another girl and flashing her to the world? I’d much rather the guy be a total dick and not give me a sweet goodbye kiss and tell me he wants to hang out in the future. What bothers me the most is that you didn’t even get to see the real me, to you I feel like I was nothing. I want to reach out to you and tell you that I want to see you again, that I want to get to know you and I want you to get to know me too. But seeing you with her hold me back so much, I don’t want to interfere with whatever is happening between you too...but at the same time there’s nothing more that I would like to do. I don’t understand why you get under my skin so much, I’ve never meant anything to you. Never. Ever since middle school you just wanted me for my body, like the idea of me was actually so much better than the real me. I’m not a human that you interact with and get to know, I’m an object that’s for your use, as you please. 

Where is my self worth? I can see that I deserve someone much much better, but it’s like I’m not seeing past the realization of this. Not really. It’s just a statement that’s present but the action is missing. 

I want to reach out but what do I say? How is it possible for me to not sound desperate or needy? If anything I think it’d be cool to hang out as friends, to be his friend would be a step in the right direction I think, but I personally don’t think that he would want that. It’s frustrating because I have no idea how he sees me at all. Fuck dude, I know with time I’ll stop thinking about him and all, and it’d probably be best for me not to see him, but I can’t wait until I’m just over him completely. I don’t want to think about him anymore and I hate that my stomach churns when I see snaps of him and this other girl together. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

so many paths in my mind. some intersect. some collide.

I’m scared I might be pregnant. But I’m even more scared I won’t be able to keep the baby if I am. What am I to do?? As a women with a very complicated hormone imbalance (thyroid problems and PCOS), I have a high rate of infertility, and I kind of accepted this fact when I was in my teen years. I want a baby though, God do I want my own child. One that I am able to make in my own womb and feel it grow inside me. To be able to see my own eyes staring back at me once their little miraculous body is no longer attached to mine. I’ve known from a younger age that I might have to adopt, but this does not satisfy me. And the fact that there might be the slightest possibility of me being pregnant, although with a man boy who does not deserve me at all, scares me so so so much. I’m not ready for a child right now, I’m just finishing college. I’m almost onto my last quarter before I head onto even more real shit. I’ve got so much more schooling to do before I can even start the career that I want. I can’t take care of a child. 

But I would love that little shit so much. More than anything in the world I would love to be a mother. More than anything. If that was an occupation I would do it, and dedicate the rest of my life to my baby and making sure that they do better than I’m doing in this world. Technically, I’m not doing so bad. I’m finishing university and getting a bachelor’s, technically I’m not fat, I’ve got an amazing set of parents that provide me all of the social support that I need, and I have a plan of what I want to do with my life. But mentally, holy shit now that’s another story. 

Mentally, I’m so fucked. I’m in a constant state of negative thoughts and I feel as though I’m never truly happy. And that makes me even more sad. I’m sad that I’m not happy, what a fucking shit show. I often have thought about how easy it would be to just die, not exactly suicidal thoughts, because I wouldn’t harm myself (mainly because I’m too scared to do it, not only would it have to be a very well thought out process, but I can’t even imagine doing that shit to my parents. Also, I wouldn’t want it to hurt), but mainly just how easy of a way out to stop feeling so shitty all the time it would be. I’ll be walking down the street and I see a car and I think how easy it would be to just end it all by walking in front of that racing car. Or looking down from a tall building, how easy it would be to just jump, poof gone. I often want to be dead, to just stop existing, and that worries me. The constant anxiety is also worsening through the years, it keeps me holed up in my room and prevents me from opening up to people. It keeps me from doing things I really want to do, like hang out with friends, get more involved in my education, do more shit for myself, talk to the people I want to talk to. I look back at my high school years and yeah I had anxiety back then, but I was happy. I didn’t give a shit about what others thought about me. Well, I did, but not nearly enough. I was in things that helped me channel my anxiety and made me happy, like choir and lacrosse. I miss being active, but I hate going to the gym, also mainly because of my anxiety. I hate the fact that you go in there and you have so many people who are so much more physically fit than you, and I don’t know what the hell to do in there! I hate having to have some sort of plan in advance, and I hate not knowing how to do certain things in there and I hate how tired I get and I hate having to plan out so much time for it in advance (because you have to dress for it, and then you have to plan out how much time you’re actually going to be at the gym, but also how much time you need to shower after, and you also need to wash your hair, and then I gotta do my make-up after and continue my day after being so tired. UGH HOLY SHIT I HATE THE GYM). Also, I’m not an ugly girl, but my self esteem? Well, I guess we can start that by asking, what self esteem? Ok that’s not entirely true, there are some days where I feel confident AF, but those are pretty rare. I try to put on makeup to make myself seem prettier, and often times I feel alright with it on. But I’m often aware of how average looking I am, how noticeable my double chin is if I’m not positioned correctly, how much my lower stomach juts out if I’m not sucking it in, how disgusting my legs look with the amount of cellulite that I have. I’m just so constantly aware of how much space I take up without wanting to. 

This is why it was so easy for A to have sex with me, because I’m easy when it comes down to it. If I haven’t have had sex previously it was because I didn’t want to lose my virginity to just any old stranger, but A is a stranger. I don’t really know who he is at all, we may have grown up living similar lives but I don’t really know him and he certainly doesn’t know me, he’s never made an effort to know me. He just had a very clear mission that night and he made me feel wanted so I gave in. After all, he’s hot as hell, if a guy like that wants something with a girl like me, what other opportunity would I get like this? I wish I had more self esteem. I don’t exactly regret losing my virginity with him, but i kind of do. I just wish it would have meant something more after. Today he put a snapchat story of him making out with another girl, and boy did it make me feel like trash. He was literally with this same girl the night before he saw me, he came to SC to fuck me, and now he’s with her this week? It’s been one week dude. I thought for a second that he might be into me, I wasn’t exactly picking 100% of the vibes that he was into me, but I couldn’t really read him so I thought that was normal. Maybe I was just dumb though and he wasn’t ever into me at all, I was just someone who was on his list to conquer from a long time ago. A prize to be won momentarily, not a trophy though, more like one of those awards you get when you kind of accomplished something that others haven’t, but definitely not significant. 

What can i do to realize that I’m worth more? I can’t see myself being worth more. I see myself deserving shit like this and it makes me feel even worse. I was never really proud of who I am, I never felt like I deserved more than I got, but I know what i would tell my best friend in this case. I would tel her that she’s an incredibly amazing person and who the fuck cares if he’s with another girl? His fucking loss, because he doesn’t know the real you, and if he did he wouldn’t be treating you this way because he would see what a great person you are, how one of a kind and how capable of loving you are. You deserve so much, you deserve someone who kisses the ground you walk on and idolized you because you are a goddess sent from above. You got what you wanted, an easy lay with someone you were comfortable with, so live it up babe, stop moping over someone who most certainly does not deserve it. You are beautiful, and if he doesn’t see that then he can go fuck himself with his below average dick (we fucked for like 5 minutes before he came lol), and his fish lips. Your dude will come, and he will love you so much you’ll never even remember who A is. 

I wonder what it’ll take me to believe these words, why is it so easy to believe them for someone else, but for me they feel like empty words. My heart nor my mind believes a single word I said. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

Bye Bye Virginity

You came and marched right towards me, your blue eyes stormy, looked right into mine. You were on a mission, and I was the only way you could accomplish it. 7 years. I’ve waited 7 years to feel your lips on mine, and you didn’t just let me feel them, you made them yours. Your hands, all over me. Up my shirt, down my back, tangled in my hair. I wanted to slow down, it was all so fast, you work fast though, and I guess I didn’t mind too much.

I hadn’t done this with anyone in so long, but boy is muscle memory a thing. One second I was struggling to keep on my toes to keep making out with you, the next second we’re on the bed, you’re pulling me on top. We had places to be, but GOD I wanted you. And well, I’m kind of a little hoe when it comes to sucking dick, I kind of love it. So that’s what I did! On my roommate’s bed, sorry B...it was so exciting, and liberating! I hadn’t touched a guy in over a year, I was a little rusty, but I definitely still hold onto my record time of getting someone off in under 3 minutes...exciting stuff! 

After a great night of drinking and dancing and excessive socializing, I was ready to go home and sleep. I was having trouble reading you all night though. You’re quiet, except when you’re not. And you speak your mind, insightfully and not excessively. I’m usually really fucking good at reading people, but you’re so damn hard to read, I had no idea what was on your mind the whole entire night. Were you into me? Were you having fun? You kept saying you were having a good time, you kept saying that you loved the vibes of the people here, but I’m so insecure and I need constant reassurance all the time, I’m sorry ok? 

Well I guess I got all the reassurance I needed from you when we got back though. On the bus we cuddled and you made me feel you through your pants, you were so hard for me. I guess I didn’t know what to expect from you when we got back to my apartment. I thought we’d just sleep. Maybe make-out a little, cuddle, and then fall asleep. NOPE. Well, we cuddled and made out yeah...but, I also lost my virginity. I know, crazy right? And it was to someone I never thought I’d lose my virginity to...A FREAKING C. He’s so damn hot, so experienced too, it kind of threw me off sometimes. 

Anyways yeah, one minute we were making out on my bed and the second he’s on top of me, clothes are just flying off each other with such a need, it’s extremely hot. He’s on top of me and we’re kissing and all of a sudden he’s going down on me, and I mean full on licking me EVERYWHERE DOWN THERE. His tongue is all around and inside me, at first it felt strange and I was sort of embarrassed and then I kind of started getting into it. But I feel like as soon as he had found my clit it was over far too soon. He came back up to kiss and next thing I knew he was at my entrance pushing in...which totally freaked me the fuck out. Not only was it my first time but uhm, boy where is your condom?! So I called him out and he wanted to do pull out, and I know my momma had taught me better than that, so I told him to find a condom or it wasn't happening. It was kind of sweet actually, he didn’t have any because he’d left them in the car, meaning he didn’t expect to have sex either otherwise he would have brought them down...right? Anyways, I told him to go look in my roommate’s box where she kept her condoms and he slid it on and then positioned himself on top of me again. I was ready, I’ve been ready, but that doesn’t mean I still wasn’t nervous. I told him to go slow as I gripped his biceps when I felt him enter me, he told me it was okay, over and over again. His words were like a breathless caress, eventually matching his strokes. 

At first I just lay there, reminding him to go slow and his body seemed to naturally speed up. The pressure of him inside me did hurt, but it didn’t hurt as much as I thought, and I could feel the pain being relieved the more and more he entered me. Eventually I was meeting his strokes halfway by bringing my hips up. He pulled out, moaning and both of us breathing heavy, he turned me onto my stomach and pulled my ass up. I made sure to arch my back and nothing turned me on more than him sliding into me and saying “oh my god, you’re so wet” and sliding his hands down my hair, my back, on my ass as he slid in and out of me. I easily met his strokes once again. All too soon, he shifts and puts his legs on the outside of mine and brings mine together so I’m laying completely under him, ass still in the air he’s breathing harder now. “I’m gonna come”, and me being an anxious to a T tell him to pull out just in case. He did, no questions asked thankfully. 

Now I know I’m new to this, but I wanted to go again, that wasn’t nearly enough time for me to actually really enjoy it, I was just getting there. He’s definitely broken me in that’s for sure, but I was too shy to ask to go again..and I also didn’t want to make him feel embarrassed because I didn’t know what his refraction period was for him. After that it was kind of a blur, we put our clothes back on, went pee, and then tried to go to sleep, we even cuddled! After a couple minutes though he announced, pretty frustrated, that he was going to leave. I was pretty bummed, and it kind of made me feel pretty stupid, I thought perhaps I did something wrong, after all when we were cuddling he told me my knee was on his nuts... But he genuinely seemed upset and he kept saying that this was a constant problem fro him, not being able to sleep anywhere but his own bed, he didn’t say sorry, but he kept trying to explain himself to me and I understood. In fact it was sort of stressing me out how stressed out he was. He angrily threw his clothes in his bag and I offered to smoke with him so he could de-stress. 

He agreed and while he packed his joint we had really deep conversations. It made me realize how beautiful and complicated his mind was. He was observant, and he was aware that other people treated him differently because of how he looked and he didn't like it. We talked about his past experience in college and how badly he fucked up, how much his family meant to him, how much he’d matured over the years. I loved hearing him talk. I’m not very good at talking, I’m much better at writing my feelings out on paper. It takes me a lot longer to articulate what I want to say and he just spoke so freely and it made sense. Every time I tried to throw my 2 cents into the conversation I felt like what I was saying was stupid, and did not at all convey what I really wanted to say to him at all. But he didn’t seem to mind.

We walked to his car and smoked and talked some more, the night dragging on as we took more and more hits of his joint. Eventually, the joint ran out and he put the car in drive. At the stop sign where I was supposed to get off we said our goodbyes and he thanked me for such a great and amazing night. He said he had a lot of fun and he was really glad he came down. I smiled and nodded and just looked at him, my hand wavering close to the door handle, unsure of what to do next. He then leaned in closer to me as he stared into my eyes and I met him, halfway. The hottest and sweetest goodbye kiss I’ve ever received, let me tell you. 

Leaving, he yelled after me that he’d text me tomorrow and he then drove away into the night as I walked back to my apartment. 

--------

It’s been 4 days since I’ve seen him, he did end up texting me the following day, I felt super anxious to text him, but I’m super happy that he kept his word and he did text me in the morning. I sort of didn't expect him to, but he does surprise me often. I apologized for not being the most sexy being on earth and if I at all was weird at any time and he said “no no no it was amazing seriously ;)”. 

He makes me so nervous to talk to him, I haven’t stopped thinking about him and it makes me so mad because I’m probably the very last thing on his mind. He’s so damn out of my league, and it’s not just because he’s AC, an extremely hot sex god, but because I’m attracted to the way that he thinks. He’s so unpredictable, and he says such real things. He’s got such a beautiful mind and I find that so amazing. He doesn’t care about what other people think, he speaks for himself. Everyone here in SC has kind of the same way of acting, everyone is so predictable and the University has kind of formed us into one way of thinking instead of being individual thinkers.

It’s kind of funny because he said how much of a breath of fresh air you were able to get up here, but honestly, he was the breath of fresh air to me. 

I know better than to expect more from him. But I can’t help myself. He’s my first, and he is someone who I have had a little bit of history with, even if it was a long time ago, he knows who I am. I want to see him again, and we’ve made plans to do so in the future, which is exciting. But I just want someone to call mine, I have so much loving inside of me I’m so ready to just give it all to someone, to bear my heart and have it be accepted and even reciprocated. He’ll hurt me, I know that. But I don’t care. I’m so tired of caring. So damn tired. And I like him, I truly do. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

la vida mia; mia culpa

my whole life I’ve been obsessed with trying to live not for myself, but for others. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even know who I truly am. These exploratory years of my life I feel like I have been under the eyes and ears of others, I almost feel like I owe it to those around me for me to be someone who I’m not. The scary part is that I don’t even know who I’m not because that would require me having a hint of knowledge about who I am. 

Who the fuck am I? 

I don’t belong to anyone. I don’t belong to myself. I’ve grown up my entire life knowing that I don’t belong. I’ve tried so hard to belong to the society around me that somewhere in that process I’ve stopped belonging to myself.

I’m not too late to find myself, I just need to know where to look. I’m too comfortable being outside of my own skin. Accept who you are babe. Do it for me. I need you to find yourself and accept her. You’ve rejected yourself for far too long for the sake of others and for what? 

Nobody gives a shit. Those who care about you, won’t care. Not really. Your parents are amazing people. But what will happen to your soul when they die and you stop living for them? 

Your soul will die too and you will be left wandering in the dark with a yearning in the pit of your stomach to be someone you no longer have the chance to be. The time has passed away.  You will pass away.  And what you’ll see in your last few brief seconds will be someone who you’re not, because you never got a chance to figure out who you really are. 

[the-st0ryofagirl]

funny how it is

It’s almost been a year now that I’ve written about you on here, and it’s not that you’re causing me emotional problems again, thankfully. It’s that I have no idea how to shake you. You follow me around through the years and you don’t let me go. I’m pretty sure I’m over you dude, but we were never really together to begin with so that’s where our lines get blurred, and the lines are blurred indeed. 

I hung out with you one time over the summer to go with you and a bunch of your friends to the beach. It was a relaxing day, and it was only decided that I go with you guys because you wanted to hang out with me when I wanted to completely cut you out of my life. We hung out as friends and that was cool, there wasn’t really any sexual tension and I really appreciated it. W e texted later and you told me that you still liked me and that my friendship with him was one sided because he wanted to be something more. I shut you down real quick because I really don’t feel that way towards you anymore, and at the time I think I was open to the idea of being with you in the future, but long distance was something I didn’t even want to try. 

We haven’t really talked since then and I have been perfectly content with not having any contact with you. I don’t really know what it is because we’ve never really honestly and openly spoken about our feelings to each other. Hell I haven’t even ever thought about how I truly felt about you even to myself. Not truly at least. So let’s vent for a bit, my mind runs faster than my typing so I might give up before I actually get to writing anything down...

How do I truly feel about you...I like you..but not as much as aI think you like me. At least not when I’m away from you. When I’m home or away from college I don’t even think about you. The thought of you doesn’t give me butterflies, doesn’t really spark any emotion in me at all. When I’m with you, I enjoy being in your presence, and I enjoy the effort you make to get me to notice you, you’re actually a really great guy...but I often find that you’re immature in the way that you think. I’ve never really had an intelligent conversation with you and that really bothers me. I want to talk politics, important studies that you’ve recently read about, something that you’re really passionate about that is thought provoking...but I never really get those conversations with you. Even when I’m trying to talk about something intellectual that I’m talking about, the conversation falls short and there isn’t really much else to go off of it. Most of the time I’m actually trying desperately to find interesting topics of conversation with you and end up settling for movies, tv shows and video games. This really fucking bothers me, because as sweet as you are and as well as you might respect me, there is no depth to you. And to you, there is no depth to me because you’ve never found that side of me, and I love that side of me. But I feel like I can’t truly be me with you because you have another version of me in your head that I’m struggling to fit into. I’ll never fit to the ideals of your lifestyle and I’ve accepted it, yet I’m still trying to hide that from you. I drink, and smoke, and I love doing both, but I could never do either if I was with you, and I would want a partner to do both with. How cool would it be to go to the bars and get a few drinks, or to stay in and get baked as fuck and play video games and cuddle and indulge in stoned munchie food?! Hiding these parts of me is part of the reason I think that I can’t fall for you, because I’m constantly trying to hide parts of myself to someone that I’m trying to emotionally connect to. 

Physical connection-wise, I’m not so totally sure it’s there either. At least not for me. I know you go crazy for my physicality, and weirdly enough that’s also something that I struggle with. Because I wonder how you can possibly like the version that I am of you when you don’t truly know me, an part of that reason is because I think you are just so physically attracted to my body that the rest doesn’t matter. The times that we have made out, I tried so hard to get turned on, and sure I mean I wasn’t completely not turned on...but if a porn video can do more for me later in the night than actually not feeling the same way while we’re making out and doing other things then that leads me to believe that I’m clearly not attracted to you. Sure, I can recognize that you’re a handsome guy, you aren’t bad to look at, at all. But there’s chemistry that’s seriously lacking from my end towards you. The chemistry that I’ve actually shown towards you in the past has actually been out of a weird sense of pity towards you, to make sure you think that you are pleasing me...because otherwise I might as well have laid there and not made a sound and felt the exact same way as I would have while we were making out. 

That being said though, I can’t cut things off with you because I do care about you...but I just care about you as a friend and nothing more. But you’re so damn persistent, I’ve told you time and time again that I want to be just friends and you keep coming back with this idea that if you keep trying things will stay the same...I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, and we’ve been doing this weird ass back and forth thing for nearly four years now and it’s still the same damn thing. I don’t know what to do. I need to talk to you because I don’t want this to keep happening anymore. But part of me does want to give myself over to you, a small part, the romantic part that doesn’t want to face all these facts and odds working against the reality that is us. 

At the wedding where I just saw you this weekend was the first time I saw you since the beach day this summer, and it felt nice. But that’s all it felt was nice, there wasn’t any fireworks or yearning to be with you, yet I still very clearly flirted with you, and I even got a little jealous when you introduced this super thin small brunette to your mom and your hand slid down to her waist...I flirted with you later on and tried to get you to look at me with the dress that I had on pero ni me empelotastes. Well kinda, you talked to me for a while and then you left but I’m wondering now if those feelings of jealousy were instead feelings of selfishness, I have no reason to get jealous honestly. 

We’re hanging out tomorrow to get dinner together and I honestly have no clue as to what to say to you or what to expect at all because I don’t want anything with you dude. But I don’t knowhow to tell you and I don’t know how to let you go without completely cutting you off, and what’s worse is that you won’t let me.