the-suburban-hell-alchemist

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

broooo did you seriously disturb my eternal rest & bring me back to this mortal coil just because my ancient enemy the eternal night has returned? after i sealed it away and everything? which one of you tampered with my binding runes 🙄

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

Oh thank fuck we're so back

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

women & bitches love my cavern

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

we need to stand up stop being ashamed of our lightning powers and start killing people with them indiscriminately

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

the puzzlemasters’ guild has gone on strike until they get more trinkets and tokens

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

one time in trader joes I saw a deathknight wither a nectarine to straight up mildew and ash in their hands and then put it right back on the display

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

im at th parking lot attacking people with chains & scythes & shit

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

okay im giving you to the count of -3 to restore the proper flow of time

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

*hikes up my pant leg and points to a jagged scar* you see that? heh...yeah...that's from a gnome bite. it got really badly infected because the gnome was in a sugar rush. scary stuff...but i made it out *flexes my bicep* Ladies,

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

I go to the grocery store, heading straight for the dairy section. Positioning myself in the middle of the milk shelf, I let out one single long, wailing, cheese-curdling scream. Every single carton of fresh dairy product within hearing distance has now been rendered undrinkable. The poor worker whose only task this shift was to keep me out of the store and most importantly away from the dairy at all costs is fired on the spot. I do not linger to bear witness to the grief and destruction I have caused. Knowing that I caused it is enough.

These petty, pointless acts of meaningless evil are the reason that I will not see the kingdom of heaven.

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

Verily, man, this wizard peace is splendid. I just saw a guy clap his hands together and say "spirits o' field and vineyard" or something along those lines, and every one around him was showered in fresh-baked pastries and loaves, had their cups fill with aged wine, and then were soothed by a warm summer breeze. The minstrels didn't even sing his praises, that's what a joyous time this is. And here I've just been casting calming dew and level 2 aura of cheer. I think I just heard "power word: dessert" two groups over. I gotta get over there.

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

Shit man, this wizard war is fucked. I just saw a guy clap his hands together and say "the ten hells" or some similar shit, and every one around him turned inside out, had their tibia explode and then disappeared. The camera didn't even go onto him, that's how common shit like this is. My ass is casting frostbite and level 2 poison. I think I just heard "power word:scrunch" two groups over. I gotta get the fuck outta here.

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

Collecting a bunch of posts from this genre.

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

can we all agree that it's pathetic when so-called "friends" try to sabotage your opportunities? you're clearly jealous that the amulet of eternal darkness chose me and no amount of "please fight it, i know you're still in there somewhere" is going to change that. crab bucket mentality. grow up.

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

cast iron? yeah thats a pretty common spell to learn

[the-suburban-hell-alchemist]

evil wizard voice: i too have a "doom scroll"