the-unseen-me-blog

[the-unseen-me-blog]

Fuck off. You are never there for me when I need you most. You're no different from the others. I think I was wrong to give you my love. You don't care about it.

[the-unseen-me-blog]

She hasn't texted me in a few days and I'm not going to double text because I'm not sure if I annoyed her or if she's mad at me about something. I'm just trying to spend my life with this girl. But I'll take whatever I can get. She's constantly been with Eric (obviously) and it fucking sucks. I can't stand to go on my main blog because of them. Another unexpected thing happened in my life recently. It's been 2 long years of silence. But we finally spoke again. In person. Not in a group of people, just one on one. And I'm learning about how things went. I didn't realize how damaged she was. Why do I always hurt people. I told her all about Kirsten. Despite her probably not liking it, she was and has been more than supportive to me. I don't think I can date her, and she has a boyfriend which I'm super happy about (unlike someone else) but she still has these feelings for me. Maybe not feelings, but this healing wound she still isn't over. I have that same one. But this closing wound is nothing to my bleeding out tear in the flesh that I cannot fix. Not without Kirsten. I told her I'd wait for her. She doesn't deserve it. But neither did I. And she waited. She barely waited. But she did. I laugh whenever she says she waited "so fucking long" I waited literally almost 6 years waiting for someone. And that person was a piece of shit. So don't tell me your agonizing 6 month wait is comparable to the amount of time I'm going to waste waiting for you to love me back. I really just wish you loved me back. I'm not like you. You have so many people that want to be with you, and you always had Eric there. You've always had some sort of feelings for him, whether you knew it or not. It's bullshit saying with a face full of tears that you're going to just keep waiting for me because that clearly wasn't the case. Note to self: you have a 6 month time slot to figure out your emotions for someone before they move on from you. Ugh, I made myself mad. She doesn't deserve this. I guess I'm just, I don't know, a bit jealous. A LOT OF JEALOUS. I can't even say a bit. Jealous of love. I feel so alone and every single night I leave home from work I wait for her at Destruction. Even if I know she's seeing Eric or with him at that moment. I just wait. But she doesn't even acknowledge me. I can't blame her. She is seeing someone. But here is the thing I CANNOT get over WHY IS IT THAT HALF OF THE TIME SHE IS SO SUPPORTIVE AND NICE AND USES HER WORDS SENSITIVELY BY NOT SAYING THINGS SHE KNOW WILL HURT ME And then the other half literally doesn't even think of me for a second. I've been on the verge of wanting to kill myself. But she doesn't see it. She is showing Kayla symptoms. Except Kirsten is leagues better tbh. It isn't her job. She doesn't deserve all of this anger I'm shelling out. That's why she will never see this. I don't actually mean it you know. But don't you dare blame me for speaking my mind on a current situation. This blog is meant for me only, for no other eyes. This is helping. More than you or anyone else is. Except when I'm with you. Then I'm probably the happiest person in the world for the short amount of time I get to spend with you. Then Eric bitches about stupid shit and I have to feel shitty about it. Victim is nicer than Eric, I can't believe it. I was actually friends with Eric. He was actually nice. But Victim has done more for me when I was in the same situation back in the day and I h a t e that guy. Idk. I'm probably going to delete this

[the-unseen-me-blog]

I really want to die

[the-unseen-me-blog]

Another thing I feel like she is already 100% moved on. Which is good for her. But it hurts me a ton. As of today, she is in Canada with him. On vacation they had planned. It's funny because i don't think I've hated/ not hated two people more in my life. I am so full of rage and hatred but the hate is unjustified. It's really pointed at him. But honestly, both of them are great people. Idiots. But I could say the same about myself tenfold. He's a nice guy, I've known him for years. How could I hate the guy over something seemingly silly to an outsider? Jealousy and love are terrible things. Never welcome them, always avoid it. I can't stand to talk or see the guy but he is still a friend. What a weird feeling. And her. I can't stop myself from wanting to talk to her. Even though I know I shouldn't. She said she was going to call me back yesterday. But she never did. I waited all day and night. But nothing. They probably laugh about me. I'm just a big fucking joke. I want to go far away from here. I wish I could just start new. I hope either of them never see this blog. More specifically this post. I can tell I don't mean the things I say. I'm just a cauldron of emotion overflowing. Jealousy and love are terrible things.

[the-unseen-me-blog]

I can't have a part of my life like this again I can't. It took well over 5 years to get over this last time. But I had a reason to push on. I had a reason to hate her. I had people constantly by my side helping me. How am I supposed to do this when the one person I could turn to now is the person I can't stop myself from loving. The person that caused all of this along with myself. Im going to hurt myself

[the-unseen-me-blog]

I'm so tired of this. I think I might get it over with

[the-unseen-me-blog]

I am so full of love and depression. This hurts so fucking much

[the-unseen-me-blog]

I want to die x100000

[the-unseen-me-blog]

i dont like this x100000

[the-unseen-me-blog]

[the-unseen-me-blog]

.

[the-unseen-me-blog]

Holy fucking shit, a bot just liked one of my posts and I got so scared and embarrassed that I made two of my old old posts private before actually checking their blog. Holy shit Yeah, She cannot know about this blog.

[the-unseen-me-blog]

[the-unseen-me-blog]

Ayyyye lots of stuff happened tonight and god I want to kill myself. Wowowoowo. You are the second person I've ever loved. I just want to be with someone I love and it finally fucking happened and I actually could have had a chance but I had to fuck everything up. I just want your happiness. But I want even more for your happiness to be with me.

[the-unseen-me-blog]

I'm beginning to lose more hope. I think I've lost this battle. She goes on vacation with him soon to a different country (well, a "friend" but I don't trust that word anymore). Once that day hits, I will have fully given up. Today she said I've been acting really sweet to her lately, that it's kinda weird. I don't blame her for thinking this way. I wish I wasn't so blind in the past. Why am I always a step behind? I'm so useless. She is so fantastic and great and cute and nice (even if she does bully me a lot) and she always listens. But whenever she has a problem and feels down, no matter what I do I cannot make her feel better. I just want to make her happy. I want to spend every day with this girl. I'm so dumb in love, it's ridiculous. She's so out of my league. She deserves better than me. And soon, she's going to officially have it.

[the-unseen-me-blog]

Okay so it's been well over 2 years since I've even logged in to this vent station. But forget looking at my past posts, forget venting about something depressing. I've got something to say. I think I'm in love with someone. I know I'm in love with someone. I love her! I haven't felt like this in so many years. Unfortunately, the situation is that she is seeing someone. It isn't official yet, but she is. And it isn't me. And it actually hurts a lot. But her happiness means the world to me. If her happiness means she has to be with someone else, than so be it. If she is happy than so am I! Maybe someday we can be together. This story is missing many details but over the amount of time this has been going on, I think I may be too late to realize this. I wish I could tell you how much you actually mean to me, Kirsten. But I pray to everything you never find this place. Stay strong and pursue happiness, dear.

[the-unseen-me-blog]

Happiness