theaccidentalstepmom - Tumblr blog

[theaccidentalstepmom]

Hindsight is 2020

Oh if we knew 4 years ago what we know now.

R often says (wistfully) “All I wanted was a divorce...”

If I can give one piece of advice, not that you’re asking, not that anyone other than myself is ever going to read this... 

But this ONE time me offering advice without being asked might be worth listening to: lock down a custody schedule now. 

This is especially important if you ARE getting along with your ex right now... because you might not be in 6 months. And you REALLY might not be in 12 months when the other parent is filing a motion for move away with your kid.

LOCK DOWN A CUSTODY SCHEDULE. A DETAILED ONE. 

Why because this gives you a default in case the shit hits the fan

What time is drop off or pick up? What days? What if it’s a holiday (no school)? How long can you child go without seeing either parent? Write it down “child will not go longer than 2 weeks not seeing either parent”.

I’m not an attorney. I’m not a paralegal. I’m a person.. and I’m currently unemployed. This is NOT legal advice. Consider me the nice lady you met at the coffee shop or started chatting up on the bus. Trust me as much as you’d trust her- if I say something that resonates then CONSULT AN EXPERT. Talk to an attorney and then he or she can get into the nitty gritty of your State/jurisdiction and how it needs to be written or IF it needs to be written. Shit some of this stuff I’m suggesting might not even be possible- just wishful thinking!! Again... lady at the coffee shop.

Why spend money wriitng up a custody agreement? Money is probably tight right now, there was one rent now you’re living apart and have to rents topay and this is the last expense you need. Also you don’t need it and may never need a legally binding agreement so why waste your money? Great. Lucky you. I sincerely hope that’s the case. But no one can predict the future. And if you do need one you’ll be REALLY glad you have it because trying to agree to this stuff when the shit hits the fan is NOT fun especially if one parent decides they’re entitled to something...

If you agree on a schedule lock it down. If you plan to be 50/50 you can’t just say "equally shared” you need to clarify: “2/2/3″, “2/2/5/5″, or “alternating weeks”. If it’s not split 50/50 break that down: “every other weekend beginnig on date X/X/X” or whatever. Just agree to something and get it filed with the court. AND the vacations! Don’t forget those! I think more details are better but at the very least breakdown how you want to share holidays like: “alternate Thanksgiving/Christmas every year” or “Parent A gets Christmas odd years and Parent B even years”. What about summer break? If you’re on a 2/2/3 do you want to have a 2 week vacation option? Oh! And 3 day weekends. Schools close for ALL of them- depending on your job’s holiday time and work schedules it may make more sense for one parent to take all the 3 day weekends or maybe you decide to alternate so it’s not just one parent that has to take the flex-work day. Most school holidays fall on a Monday so if one of your works in food service that might be your “day off”.

Assume that in a year or two this person who is being super reasonable and all about being a modern co-parent gonna go full Angelina Joli on you and try get full custody and move your kids to France. 

Plan for that. Seriously. Plan for the WORST. Protect yourself and your kids. 

The court looks at what you did previously so if you agree to see your kids every other weekend right now but you and your ex “planned” that it would change in 6 months when you settled into your new job- write it in. Because if the shit hits the fan and you’re asking for 50/50- you migtht get it because courts are better about that now OR the court may say that it’s a “significant change in circumstance” and deny you. And then you’re going to be 1. pissed off because your ex just screwed you. 2. pissed at the courts 3. at a huge deficit and scrambling for more time and 4. pissed at yourself for not listening to me... that weird lady on the bus.

If you do only get every other weekend right now. WRITE IT INTO THE CA. Explain that this arrangment is temporary and due to abc that in 3 months/6 months (and include the exact date) the schedule will be changing to xyz. Or say something like “both parents agree to 50/50 physical custody”.

Let’s say you agree to let your ex take your child to Hawaii for 4 weeks one Summer and it gets written into a stipulation. CAREFUL... unless you’re okay with that happeneing EVERY summer (you’re ex getting to take your child out of state and/or getting 4 weeks extended vacation with the child) WRITE IT IN. Just because your ex gets it doesn’t mean you do too - not unless it’s written that way. Get language from your attorney but “Parent A agrees to let Parent B take child to Hawaii for a single one time trip of 30 days but both parents agree that in general vacations will not exceed 2 weeks” or “each parent is allowed one 30 day vacation with child during a school holiday every year or every other year”. Another thing I WISH we’d written in was “both parents agree that child will never be scheduled to go longer than xx number of days/weeks not seeing the other parent in person unless both parents agree in writing”.

We had a move away and she moved to Hawaii. The first summer was unusual because their son had just graduated Preschool- it was an 8 week summer. J was ADAMENT that she get 6 weeks in Hawaii. (I was like “that is WAY too long- you refuse to go longer than 21 days not seeing your kid and you’re demanding P go 3 times as long not seeing his father?  How is that in your KIDS best interest? (The answer is: it’s not)). ANYWAYS it was written into the stipulation that R had 2 weeks at the beginning of summer and 2 weeks at the end of summer (4 weeks total) . Great- they agreed. But the dates got written incorrectly into the stipulation and it was written that “child is to return on August 16 two weeks before school starts on August 19″. August 16 to August 19 is 3 days, not two weeks. OBVIOUSLY there’s a misprint (it was supposed to be August 6 that would be two weeks). Also that means their 4 year old son is with her for 8 weeks, not 6 weeks. Six weeks was already too long. So then mediation- again.

The misprint worked in J’s favor- she liked that she was given extra time and wasn’t about to give it up. The mediator starts talking about how they both need to compromise... they threaten court if you don’t. 

Right there just stop. Stop. If the other parent is being difficult and not relenting on something you both agreed to in mediation but due to a misprint is trying to get you to compromise on something you never agreed to- DO NOT BACK DOWN!! The mediator will say it takes two people to communicate and you both need to compromise and they’re correct... BUT this is not your fault. This is out of your control. You ALREADY compromised. Now the line got moved- you don’t need to keep compromising. The other parent is being combative and pulling low shit and if this is what they’re like (and only you know this) then this is just the beginning. If you don’t push back now they will keep pushing these boundaries.

But that’s not what R did, he compromised because he’s trying to do what the mediator asks. He read the co-parenting manual the court sent him. He was in a relationship with her for 10 years. Don’t poke the bear. “It’s only a couple days,” he said, “let her have her ‘6 weeks’”. So he ended up with 2 weeks and she got 6 weeks.

Fine, but then WRITE THAT IN. 

Because they compromised and what was written was that R would have 1 week at the beginning of summer and 1 week at the end of summer and the child would be in Hawaii for “the rest of the time”. 

What you think: Okay, I compromised for this year, but next year we’ll go back to the original plan since it’s a 10 week break. My ex gets the same 6 weeks of summer, just like last year, and our child will with me the first two weeks and last two weeks like we’d originally planned. You’re focused on your ex’s time of 6 weeks, not your time.

What your ex thinks: Last week you only had 1 week and 1 week so next year maybe that’s all you get too. If your ex is pushing for more time with the kids or trying to keep your kid from you then this definitely works to their advantage. Never mind that this means your ex gets 2 extra weeks and you lose 2 weeks. You AGREED to only have 1 week and 1 week.

Read between the lines of agreeing to a set amount of time. If summer is 8 weeks that means you get a total of 2 weeks and the other parent gets 6. If summer is 12 weeks you get one week beginning and and the other parent gets 10 weeks. That’s 2 months that your child won’t see you. THAT’S what you’re agreeing to.

So if that’s NOT what you want then you need to clarify that by either by limiting the amount of time child can be scheduled to not see the other parent. Write this into the stipulation I only agree if you write this: “This year is unusual going forward this will be the schedule” or “assuming a 12 week vacation child will spend 3 weeks with father, 6 weeks with mother and then 3 weeks with father. Scheduled time away from mother and father never to exceed 6 weeks.”

Write in a clause “If a parent misses a visit for any reason including inability to travel due to a pandemic that results in that parent going longer than 6 weeks not seeing the child this does NOT constitute being “scheduled” not to see the child”. (note: Being “scheduled” means that given normal circumstances both parents have the opportunity to see their child every 6 weeks or less.) 

Write in if you’re okay with the child missing school for any reason other than being sick/doctor appointment. A simple “if child misses school for any reason other parent must be notified” or “neither parent may keep child home from school, drop off late or pick up early unless it’s due to illness, doctor appointment, etc.”. Or travel are you okay with your ex pulling your kid out of school to catch a flight? How often?

End of the day I think it’s helpful to have the rules be pretty strict because you can ALWAYS agree to bend the rules. Make the default that “scheduled time child goes away from either parent not to exceed 2 weeks”. But then you can agree in writing, an email is all you need, that you are okay with your ex taking your child to Italy for a month. 

The alternative is having a loose agreement about vacations and then your ex decides they want to take your child to Florida for a month and you say “no” and they’re like tough shit you can’t stop me. There’s nothing in the court order I bought our tickets and we’re going. 

So now you’re fucked. Now to stop the parent you need to file an emergency ex-parte to try and pursuade the court that the trip is not in the child’s best interest. It’s possible you’ll get the ex-parte granted but it’s really up to the court. You have to convince them of something. And then, to prevent it happening in he future you’ll also need to file a stipulation. The stipulaton will take anywhere from 4 to 8 months to process and during that time you’ll usually have 2 to 3 sessions with a mediator. And if you’re represented your attorney will have to appear with you a minimum of two times in court.

So now go back, your ex tries to pull that shit but you did have something in the court order about length of trips. You’d still have to file the ex-parte but instead of trying to convince the court that it wasn’t in the child’s best interest you’re just saying the other parent is in violation of the court order and you’re asking the court so enforce the order. That is a much stronger position and the court is much more likely to support you. 

[theaccidentalstepmom]

High Conflict vs. Crazy Pants

Most people going through a divorce have issues communicating. Is that a safe statement? But there’s not getting along and then there’s one person being a dick and making it impossible to get along. So when did I realize the latter was the issue?

When did I know that something was off? Like really off. I’m not really sure but I think it was about a year in and J sent R a text asking for a favor which he agreed to. I was reading the text echange over his shoulder and really got to see the trajectory of her maddness- after he agreed, then she started changed what she wanted and started making demands, when he refused she insisted he had to agree to her changes, since he’d already agreed to her request. (What?) It dissolved into her having a hissy fit via text and accusing him of being a hypocrit and culminated with him being selfish and just not wanting to give up his parking spot? It. Was. Wild. (And in trying to explain this I’m realizing it makes no sense and sounds like such a small thing. How was this the straw the broke the proverbial camel’s back? I don’t know... it just was.)

Early on, right after we started dating R told me his ex was crazy. “No, like really crazy,” he said, “I think something’s wrong with her. Like I think she needs to see a therapist because she has borderline personality or is a narcissit or something”.  I just nodded and listened. But what I thought was: Okay... maybe she is crazy, or maybe not. Thank you for your imput and diagnosis but I will look at all the information and decide for myself and not just parrot your beliefs (espcecially about someone I’ve never met).

I don’t like being told what to think, I don’t think anyone does. And R wasn’t telling me what to think or asking me to agree but it was assumed that I would agree. But I’m especially sensitive to the dynamic. Unless we are friends or I know you really well if you try to convince me NOT going to like a person I, or try to get me to agree someone is an asshole, I’ll probably take you at your word but also keep in mind that you’re my only source of information. So it’s your opinion. I migtht not SAY anything, I’ll probably play along and nod my head. But in my head I’ll be thinking that you are likely biased and/or projecting or have ulterior motives and THEN I’ll take me sweet ass time deciding for myself what I think. (I doubt most of my friends would describe me as being so calculating... but my suspicious friends would :)

So what did she do that was so awful? I’ve been dealing with her for 4 years so at this point there’s a “blog’s worth” of examples but when it first started it was just a few things:

She moved out and took everything she wanted for her new apartment and R was left to clean and pack up the the rest of the house by himself while he worked full time looked for a new apartment. That was not nice. But... people who are angry do insensitive things.

They had a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy after they separated because this might just be temporary. Seems reasaonable. So when 3 months after they separated she was posting pictures of her and "some guy” on social media that had to be painful. Heartbreaking in fact. That was really low. She knew better- she should have been more considerate.

But does that make her crazy? It was definitely insensitive. And petty. But not crazy- not in my book anyways.

But R’s family said the same thing when they described their relationship with her over the last 10 years. They used different words like: “selfish”, “not motherly”, "manipulative” and “immature”. (Yikes. She definiltey rubbed them the wrong way!). But they were HIS family, of course they’re going to back him up and not surprising that they’d put her down.

She always wanted the baby to look cute and always put a lot of effort into dressing him into a cute outfit but then didn’t pay attention to him. She’d just sit there on her phone.

We all came to visit and she just sat there on her phone the whole time.

I’m still not comfortable calling her a narcissist... I mean she’s definitely on the spectrum but so am I, so is everyone. But when did I realize that it wasn’t just a high conflict divorce and two people who both couldn’t communicate with one another? When did I realize she was the problem and creating the problems? Well, it took a while, I gave her the benefit of every doubt for a long time... and then eventually I couldn’t keep defending her actions and behavior. But it took months- it took about a year. And even now, 3 years into my preferred label of calling her a “toxic person” I still find myself questioning myself and having compassion for her. She’s a human being and she has feelings. People in pain can do some pretty unconscionable things. 

R would tell me how imbalanced things had been in the relationship and some petty or thoughtless thing she said or did. But in his next breath R would defend her: “she wasn’t always like that”, and “she’s a good mother” were often said in her defense. 

I think she’d always been “like that” but maybe she hadn’t been “like that” all the time or maybe it just hadn’t been directed at him. It’s possible it got worse but it was always there.

I think his definition of “good mother” was that she loved her son. Which I’m not denying- I do think she loves her son, in her own way. But I think it was a wish more than a belief. Nurturing is a big component of loving especially with a child. To me there’s a lot more to being a good mother than saying you love your child you have to put the child’s needs above your own wants and desires and consistently back up your words of love through your actions and behavior.

But if anything this Anti-J bandwagon made me want to avoid putting her down even more. At least in front of R. Partially because I hadn’t made up my mind, but also because I feel like when I put down a friend’s ex I’m also putting down my friend by association. Somehow the comments boomerang back and later my friend is asking how she could have been so stupid/blind/bamboozled! What an idot she was! Everyone was telling her what a jerk he was! All that wasted time! She was such an idiot!!

No. There’s no such thing as wasted time when it comes to emotionally transitioning to being ready to move on. That just takes as long as it’s going to take. It might take WAY longer than you want it to but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s gonna take as long as it’s gonna take. Be gentle with yourself. Yeah that person treated you terribly. I’m sorry you went through that. Now take that experience and learn from it- learn something about yourself and decide that going forward you’re not going to let that happen again. You are worth more. And now you know it.

Once, I was giving the latest example of her being really irrational to the most “tolerant” person in the family; this person laughed and said “Oh! Yup that is SOOOO J! You know she’s just like that. That’s just who she is”. (No surprise that this was the only family member J liked. She even told me she “loved” this person “S is the best!”. I’m sure, S found J’s manipulative behavior charming. She and S both disliked another family member, M, that R loves very much. So when J and S got together they became a little gang to badmouth M (which J knew hurt R). Then, when the romantic relationship between R and J ended J cut S off- blocked S from social media. “Nothing personal” J told S when S reached out confused and hurt. S had been useful as a tool to hurt R but now she had new ways to hurt him and S was no longer useful to her. I still don’t know if S realizes that they never had a relationship, S was just a pawn.)

[theaccidentalstepmom]

The title of my autobiography: “Well that didn’t go the way I expected”

[theaccidentalstepmom]

Breakups suck. I’ve had a few- less than most but more than many. After a breakup my feelings for the other person lie somewhere between heartbroken, totally ready to move on and hoping the other person’s fingers grow fishhooks and that they also develop a strong itch in their genitals. Somewhere in there...

There are those select humans that can somehow remain friends with their exes and genuinely support them. I admire those people and I hope to be one of those people when I grow up. That said it does take two to make that work. But in general I think those people are on a different plane and there probably don’t need to read this blog. Actually no one needs to read this blog... who reads blogs anymore? Let’s be honest this is just a glorified online journal for me to unpack the crazy making in my life. But I digress...

Breakups happen. Wish them fortune or ill but eventually you move on. Right? Sure... assuming you CAN actually make a clean break. Assuming you don’t live/work/go to school together. Assuming you’re not married (because divorcing someone is a undoing a legal contract and that doesn’t happen in a vacuum). Also assuming there’s not a child involved because then that person that you’d much happier never having to see again EVER is someone you are forced to continue interacting with for the next 18 (minus your youngest child’s age) years longer.

We have a triple threat and that’s where our story begins...

This isn’t our love story (or is it?). Well okay... a quick background. It’s 1995, Wilson high school, Portland Oregon: I’m a Senior he’s a Junior. We didn’t date but we both liked one another- but I had a boyfriend and having a crush on two boys was too much for me to handle!! I graduated, went to college, loved my life. No idea what happened to him. 12 years later years and I’d just moved to SF and who do I see on the bus? What?? Still cute, he just moved to SF from DC after a few years living in Iowa... with his wife. He’s married. Of course he is. Cool let’s be Facebook friends and I’ll see you never. Berceuse WTF would I say if I ever met your wife? “Nice to meet you I had a big crush on your husband in high school”. That’s just awkward.

But we did exchange numbers. He was a chef and I was a waitress so when he got a new job he might text me and tell me to stop by (I never did) or if we needed a new line cook I’d reach out to him (he never replied). At some point on Facebook I saw that they had a kid. Cute little thing with a buttload of hair.

Fast forward 2.5 years. It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m showing a couple friends who aregg bet single how Tinder works: “Oh no... he’s no good. See you just swipe left- hard left!”. He was like the 3rd guy that pulled up. We chatted back and forth through the app a couple times then I just texted him because I had his number and I’m paranoid about conversations through apps. (I just imagine people who work for Tinder reading them and laughing their asses off at my attempts to play it cool.) Anyways, a week later we went on our first date and it was pretty much game over for me.

He was 8 months out of a 10 year relationship and had a toddler why am I not running the other direction? That’s a great question and I have no good answer. Or at least not a sexy one... I’m attracted to vulnerable men? They’re like my catnip: “Come here kitty- Mama like”!

His son was 2.5 when we started dating. I knew I was dating a man with a child and I knew exactly what that meant. I babysat A LOT and I was a nanny for 5 years. It’s not the same thing as being a parent by any means. But compared to an average childless woman I did have a better understanding of what I was getting into and what spending hours with a toddler was like. I knew that if we were going to be in a relationship the kid comes first, I’m replaceable the child is not.

His ex was trying to move to Hawaii to live with her new boyfriend and wanted to take their son. That’s a hard no. Absolutely not. R had already filed for divorce but that got sidelined by custody. She hired a more aggressive attorney and insisted she would be taking their son. When describing his ex and her behavior R was throwing around with like crazy and narcissist and borderline.

Okay, okay... this situation is really stressful. I’m sure she’s not that bad- you married her right? Stress does not bring out the best in people’s personalities- quite the opposite. It’s hard to think straight. This is probably situational- I’m sure she’ll calm down soon. Maybe try phrasing your text this way so she doesn’t get defensive- I’m sure she’ll be reasonable if you just explain it really clearly...

Bahahaha.

I spent months empathizing with her and trying to help R better communicate with her. All in vain- it toa long time to realize she doesn’t want to communicate or compromise she just wants her way. And any attempt to have an open honest discussion is just ammunition for her to use against you in a future conversation.

If she asks R for a favor and his answer is no she’ll twist the conversation into her being victimized.

If she asks R for a favor and his answer is yes she’ll twist the situation and say that she actually did him a favor.

If R asks her for a favor she ignores him, calls him names and/or tells R he’s harassing her.

To be clear, most of the time she doesn’t ASK- she demands.

If R agrees to something once he has to agree in the future it or he’s a hypocrit.

She flat out remembers things wrong and when R shows her the screenshots of the text she wrote proving she’s m wrong she says he’s being petty.

When R asks her to discuss child related issues directly with him rather than asking their 4 year old son to communicate the message to him she tells R he’s being difficult.

When it’s her custodial time and R has a scheduled FT she bribed their son with candy or ice cream to end the call early. (He can have it after he’s done).

I feel like we’re in an alternate reality. She’s constantly coming after R legally with baseless claims. She projects all the shit she does to R and accuses him of doing it to her!! We read her motions and were like “What’s is she talking about? R didn’t do that to her she’s doing that to R!”. And no is not a misinterpretation and they’re both doing it- she’s doing it and accusing him of doing it. It’s crazy making.

Claim: R refuses to communicate with her and insists on going through attorneys.

False. She has ZERO emails or texts to back this up- they agreed to communicate via text and email. She hasn’t sent a single email or text to R to “discuss” anything so how is he refusing to communicate? R has written numerous long and detailed emails to her for years and even more over the past 10 months of Covid trying to communicate and co-parent with her, share information and get schedules finalized without the courts involvement and her responses are dismissive and often only one sentence. His attorney and her attorney even tried to resolve issues without the court but she refused to comply and court was the last resort.

Claim: wasn’t even a claim really, mores demand that both parents needing to be flexible about scheduled FaceTimes in their child is swimming or playing during that time and also be accommodating if the other parent wants to do an unscheduled call they can.

Reality: Totally... R has never denied her a FT, has been flexible when she’s asked to reschedule and he’s sent MULTIPLE emails to her saying she can do an unscheduled FT anytime she wants (just give him a heads up). She’s done maybe 4 unscheduled FaceTimes in 2 years. We don’t plan any activities during her scheduled call time because it’s her scheduled time... so her calls don’t ever “interrupt” anything. Please, I beg you, show any evidence to the contrary.

Oh and while she’s looking for evidence that doesn’t exist I’d like to show the email she just sent from December 2020 telling R that when their son was with her during Christmas he was ONLY allowed to FaceTime during his scheduled time of 6:40-8. No “bullshit” unscheduled FaceTimes calls like he did last summer when he called their son “every day” it was “harassment”.

(Calling every day would have been excessive, but not harassment. But he didn’t call every day. He had 2 scheduled FaceTimes per week by court order and in addition he called 1 extra day a week (so three calls a week). Also, important to point out is that their son, who primarily lives with his father, was going to not see his father for three months because of conflicting language in the ruling and delays in getting it clarified due to COVID and Jennie’s refusal to discuss shortening the time to what they’d agreed to.

He always texted her before his scheduled FaceTime to confirm the time would work and it wouldn’t conflict with activities they’d planned. But even though it was a scheduled call it always seemed to interrupt something fun that their son was doing: swimming, hiking, skateboarding. Funny how when she asked him to push back his call 2 hours he STILL was interrupting fun plans. It’s his SCHEDUKED time- plan your shit on a different day OR if you can’t contact R ahead of time to reschedule the FaceTime so it doesn’t conflict or interrupt your plans.

As for unscheduled FaceTimes he’d text in the morning asking to do a FaceTime in the afternoon (so giving her at least 3 or 4 hours notice so she can pick a time that works for her). She wouldn’t reply, instead he’d just immediately get a FaceTime call. To her credit she doesn’t refuse the calls and conveniently their son is often immediately available.

But it’s funny how if she knows R’s gonna call she seem to have plans, but when she doesn’t know he’s going to call she’s just sitting around the house doing jack shit.

She is bananas.

[theaccidentalstepmom]

Stepmom. Bonus mom. They call me GoGo.

I found myself here by accident... a happy accident. But being a full time stepmom was not something I exactly planned.

When we started dating they’d been separated 9 months and were 6 months into the divorce process. J had just filed a move away request to relocate with their 2 year old son to Hawaii where her boyfriend lived.

Dating man who’s just ended a 10 year relationship, has a toddler and is in the middle of a divorce and custody battle? Where do I sign up?!

A rational person would do a hard 180 and run away!! Less than a year out of a marriage, a 10 year marriage, is WAY too soon... right? (I still think it was too soon for him but I’m not sure waiting 6 months or even a year would have made much difference.) I had a pretty short conversation with myself and it went something like: “Okay GoGo he’s got a kid- if you’re in you have to be ALL in because this relationship goes south it affects an impressionable little boy who needs consistency right now- not more upheaval. Got it? (Yes ma’am.) Also, they have joint custody NOW but things change- life’s unpredictable- what if his ex dies and he becomes a full time dad? If you go into this relationship you go ALL in- eyes and heart open to all the possible futures. (Okay.) Finally, GoGo, just know you will probably have to step up in unexpected ways so... be ready!”

Taking care of another human being is exhausting. I love kids and can list all the adjectives on how great and rewarding children are but let’s not sugar coat this caregivign business it’s work and it’s hard work. I was a nanny for 5 years so I watched kids for maybe  6-8 hours a day and THAT was exhausting. Being a parent means that as soon as you wak up your on, then you drop your kid off at daycare and go to work when you get home, time to be a parent. You don’t have any down time. Ever. You basically don’t get to sleep until maybe they’re 5 years old.

So, I went in prepared for the unexpected. About a year into our relationship R and I were talking about moving in together and then  J’s move away request was denied so things seemed to be settling back to the old 2/2/3 custody schedule.

Then J surprised everyone and decided to move to Hawaii without P. That was a rough day.

She moved. She chose to move. Bottom line.

That’s why we’re dealing with what we’re dealing with. It’s a situation that was created by her actions and make significantly more difficult becuase of her behavior. It’s easy to get hung up and distracted by other details but it really comes back to that. Because if she had made the decision to move and owned that decision as a choice she made and been supportive of R who was now the primary parent, and done everything in her power to make the transition easier on her son and on R then that would have been another story. That would have been a very short blog. But she didn’t do that. She moved and she made it everyone else’s problem. She behaves as though this is a situation that she’s forced into. The solution to any conflict is that P move to Hawaii. She has no desire to make transitions easier for her son because when they are distressing for him, when he’s an emotional trainwreck it reinforces her belief that he needs her more than he needs his father. That he loves her more than he loves his father.

She moved. She could have stayed. She chose to move. Bottom line.

This arrangement is expensive and requires a lot of long travel (I’m not arguing that- this arrangement doesn’t seem sustainable long term but it’s her money). She is very vocal about what an inconvenience this all is, she is the victim, she has to make all the sacrifices, how she does everything for her son.

That’s her logic. Poor her. What a dedicated mother. Um yeah... sort of. But this is completely self created. If she haven’t moved she wouldn’t have to do any of this... If she she still lived here she’d get to see her son every few days and she wouldn’t have to travel every month. She would only need one apartment!

Instead of moving she could have gone to visit her boyfriend one week every month. Or he could have moved here!

She claims her move was financially motivated because SF is so expensive but her logic is SO flawed. True SF is expensive... but so is Hawaii. It’s not like she’d moved to Sacramento or Santa Rosa or even San Jose- that would have saved her money because rent is significantly cheaper and she would have been a 45 min drive away. That would have made sense. No, to “save money” she moved to Hawaii where she earns 30% less and in addition to paying for all her living expenses in Hawaii she also spends about $40K per year on an SF apartment and flights back and forth to visit her son. Which is commendable, I’m glad she’s able to visit him so frequently, but it’s hardly saving money.

In her mind she had to move. That’s what she’s told herself and she’s always coming up with explanations and excuses for how it wasn’t a choice so all the struggles are beyond her control... First she said she was moving was because rent was cheaper in Hawaii. Then she sort of dropped that (probably because no one was buying her claim that renting two apartments and flying back and forth to SF every month was less expensive than just renting one apartment in SF and not traveling) so she switched tactics. She had to move for “some reason”... but don’t focus on that- she is now the dedicated mother who sacrifices so much so she can see her son every month.

I’m not sure when or why but at some point her narrative evolved. It wasn’t enough that she was dedicated and sacrificing- how she’s also a victim. Now the lies really start. She’d lied before, many times, but this has become her persona.

Dedicated mom who’s ex is dragging her through court trying to get full custody of their son- she’s under so much stress! But she’s won’t quit fighting- she loves her son. Her ex is a monster and he’s always trying to prevent her from seeing her son and refuses to be flexible if she needs to change the schedule. And when her son is with her, her ex constantly wants to FaceTime their son and he emails her constantly and and harasses her!!

She moved there because her boyfriend lived there. Not because rent is cheaper.

She doesn’t have family in Hawii and neither does her boyfriend, all of their family and extended family lives in the midwest or East Coast.

We had met once before and I’d talked to her at a few functions but most of what I knew about her was throuh R. But she wanted to meet to talk about her move. I’d been observing her brand of crazy for over a year so I kind of new what to expect and mentally prepared myself for her to throw some twisted logic at me. I knew she’d be on her best behavior and would try to charm me- she wanted me to be her ally. We were gonna be like the lady version of Lennie Kravitz and Jason Whatever his face is... Aquaman. What I hadn’t prepared for was just how charming she would be; how convincing she would be. Damn, she is GOOD. Do you want to be Lennie or should I? You’re super styly, I think you should be him... but I’m Black so maybe it should be me?! Omg, I can’t decide. You’re so pretty, let’s braid each other’s hair!!

To hear her explain her reasons for moving she sounds very logical and rational- struggling mom who wants the best for her son. She was not the victem with me. Not at all. Strong woman has her shit together. Fully aware of the choice she’s making and she’s saying all the right things but the logic is wrong... or at least deeply flawed.

She was actually the first person to call me stepmom. I’m guessing she doesn’t remember that part of the conversation and if she does she’d probably deny it. Or maybe not- she’s unpredictable always keeping me on my toes. But let me tell you when the mother of youre boyfriend’s child meets with you and says “You’re going to be there every day, you’re stepping into the day to day “mom rol”e basically- I’m mean you’ll be his stepmom”. You REMEMBER that shit. My proverbial jaw hit the floor. SHE just called ME the stepmom. I had so many thoughts flash through my brain:

Did she just call me stepmom? Did that actually just happen?! It did! I’ve been toying around with that title with my friends because if I’m parenting every day I don’t really want to introduct myself as “P’s dad’s girlfriend”. But no way in Hell was I going to say it in front of her or bring that up today!! But SHE just said it... Okay, maybe this will go more smoothly than I thought. She seems to have a pretty clear understanding of the role I’ll be talking with HER child and seems okay with that (somehow).  If roles were reversed and I was taking to the woman who was going to be living with my child full time... I do not think I would be using that word also I would be sobbing. Stepmom. I need to tell Ramon. How is she moving? Is this really happening?

I honestly didn’t believe she was really moving until she got in the Uber to the airport.

All I can say is thank the gods I spent so much of my youth babysitting and was a nanny for 5 years because I had a pretty clear expectation for exactly how exhausting and mentally taxing being with a child 23/7 would be. Granted I’d never actually done it but I had a pretty clear idea what I was getting into. And since I hadn’t imagined this utopia it actually went really well. Like not many surprises. It was definitely more of an adjustment living with Rthan it was living with a kid.

What a difference 3 years makes. Well 2 years and 5 months really. 

--

I’ve started this blog/glorified online journal as a way to make sense of the shit beyond my control.

I’m not sure where to start... I guess it started when we met. R was 8 months out of a 10 year long relationship (8 year marriage) when we connected. He’d filed for divorce about 6 months prior and his ex had just filed a move-away request to relocate to Hawaii where her new boyfriend lived.

Here’s this incredible person that I’m falling in love with. And he’s a loving, affectionate and dedicated father who is also massively stressed out. His ex is trying to relocate with their son and she has a very expensive and aggressive attorney and she’s made it very clear she has a lot of money to throw at this to make sure she gets her way.

I guess I thought, I’m not an attorney so I can’t help R with all this legal stuff but I do know kids. I’m really good with kids. He’s a good parent parent, and this kid has a mother but both his parents are distracted and what this kids needs is an advocate. Someone not distracted by all their emotional shit and focused on him. So how can I help this kid? 

So I started reading books. Books on child psychology, books on divorce, books on parenting, books on co-parenting... books on Hugge. After a bunch of books on high conflict parenting realized we were in different territory and so I started reading books on  narcissm, passive agression, cognitive dissonance, toxic personalities anything I could get my hands on. (Thank you SF Public Library!!).

I’m the reader and I was trying to suss out what we were dealing with by reading the entire self help section of the library. R doesn’t read self help but he did seem to have good intuition about people. He was the one who kept around terms like narcissist, bi-polar and borderline personality. I looked up the actual definitions and I wasn’t comfortable using those terms. I’m still not.

Labels just make me uncomfortable. But I did and still do believe that J has some very concerning behaviors and that she can be very toxic. Also, although she appears impulsive and random her behavior has patterns- we’re defnitely playing a long game.

Also, I should mention that that when R first started using those labels was actually a red flag for me. Maybe he was the projecting- that’s what manipulative people do. Maybe HE was the bi-polar borderline narcissist, not her- so I was on high alert for any behavior or indication from him that seemed off.

I read about Parental Alienation Syndrom and I laser focused on that (I’ve since learned that a more approripate term is DV by Proxy). Regardless, R poopoo’d it- she wasn’t going to try to brainwash their son- she’s couldn’t they had a great relationship. Okay, let’s agree to disagree- hope you’re right (I really do) but just in case I’m gonna try to make sure this kid knows how to think for himself and what that feels like and how to recognize if someone is trying to tell him how to think or feel. Basically if she’s not trying to brainwash him then, great, he’ll be prepared if someone else tries. But if she is gonna try she’s going to have an uphill battle.

I just started reading this book but I think it really encapsulates my motivation and what I’m trying to instill:

“Your passivity was demanded to make that relationship work. Your recovery is living in the opposite spirit of being brow beaten to looking down at the ground. Your healing is about standing up tall, looking people in the eyes and calmly saying: I have my own opinions and I am okay if you disagree.” (Healing From a hidden Abuse, Shannon Thomas LCSW)

I do lots of role play lots of modeling behavior. I feel silly doing it but it does seem to resonate with him. The Whole Brained Child suggested adding “to me” to statements and that really resonated with me. I told R and he was on board- we started doing this right after we moved in together so P had just turned 4.

Instead of saying: It’s cold outside.

We said: It’s cold outside to me. Is it cold outside to you?

Or a variation:

Chocolate ice cream is my favorite. What’s your favorite? 

(If we agree, great- we’re the same (this time). If we disagree then that’s another learning moment.) Oh, your favorite is strawberry? Is that okay that we have different favorites? Yeah, that’s okay. Can we still be friends even though we like different things? Yeah we can.

(I think it’s normal and natural to be attracted to people with whom you have things in common. I’m not trying to deny that or change that. So I point out things we have in common (which is natural and easy to do) and I also make a conscious effort to point out differences like when his dad and I don’t like the same movie or when I like different foods than my friends.

The last one is what’s your favorite TODAY? I’m not sure where this came from either. Whatever we’re talking about the idea is that a favorite is just today, of course he can have the sand favorite the next day... or not. He can change his mind and that’s allowed and okay.

The other thing is if he asks me a question I try not to just answer him and instead ask “Hmm, what do you think?” If his answer is “I don’t know” I might probe a bit more to see

So focusing on the behavior. 

First the words

He came back from his summer in Hawaii and we knew it would take a few days to adjust. He’s a pretty mellow kid, of course he has meltdowns occassionally but usually we can talk through things. But he came back angry. Screaming. It was a drastic departure from the child who’d left to go to Hawaii. Why did dad talk to the judge and make him come home early? He wanted to be with his mom. He didn’t want to be in San Francisco because there was Covid and everyone was dying in California.

He’s 6- he gets his infomration from his parents and in this case his mother. She told him that the judge made him come home early. She told him that his home California is dangerous.

She should NOT be discussing court issues with their son. Period. Just keep him out of it.

Second, I understand that you want your kid to live wiht you in Hawaii but the reality is he lives in California so HELP him live there. Stop scaring him and making him afraid of his home. It’s very concerning that the reason he wants to be in Hawaii is because there isnt’ covid there and he doesn’t have to wear a mask or socially distance. Um... actually yes you do.

So then that brings us to blatent lies.

So this year it’s been: What’s the diffference betwen an opinion and a fact. And then we give lots of examples. When we’re talking we point out examples. It’s really warm today. That’s an opinion- the fact is that it’s 65 degrees.

He’s a bright kid and he’s a reader. I encourage him to ask questions and even look things up on the internet. Just because I say it’s true doesn’t mean it is.

He threw up and had body aches we got him a covid test. He was negative. Ra texted her the result. Later that day P as doing FT with his mom in the other room and I hear her say  “Oh, well I didn’t think you had it. Throwing up is like the least common symptom”. So then he came into our bedroom an asked me “Hey is it true that vomiting is the least likely covid symptom?”. 

Dammit. During FaceTime?? I should have thought this through better. Not that I’m going to say anything different but she can hear my and I can just imagine her rolling her eyes in the background.

So, what do I say? Because I know vomiting is one of the main symptoms on the CDC website AND vomiting was the only symptom our neighbor’s 6 year old daughter had when she had COVID. But I didn’t say that... instead I said “You know, I’m not sure. Why don’t we look it up later on the internet and see what Dr. Fauci says about it.” In your face!