theahtziridiaries - Tumblr blog

[theahtziridiaries]

july 7th, 2023

officially a married woman now.

i mean i was already married on April 14th. but now it's legal.

we had a beautiful farm wedding on the 5th. having his family help plan everything and set up was the sweetest thing ever. meeting his family was very nerve-wracking and a bit surreal. especially in the circumstance that we're on.

i never thought i would be in this situation and now that everything is coming by fast. i feel the need to prepare for things better. be a better me in the process. but i think the situation has made me want to be as perfect as i can be. i don't want to mess up. especially now.

his family was a different feeling from my own, they are a lot closer and kinder to each other. both our family dynamics are completely different but almost the same.

meeting his childhood friends was also not bad. they both seemed to engage with me and not feel a type of way. meeting new people i either come off as mean or stuck up and i didn't want either of those. i tried my best to talk with all his friends and family.

he said i did a great job. so that made me feel more at ease.

the best part of the whole trip to Maine, his hometown, was the time we spent together in the car one of his friends let him borrow for the week we were there. driving around his hometown, and him showing me around all the places he hung out, and the houses he lived in. the schools he went to. all of it made me feel very connected to him.

i realized i could love him. but that it would both take us time. i wanna be lovey-dovey with him and be attached to him. i want him to feel the love i wanna give him.

i think i really just need my heart to let go of the other two. there's no love for them anymore, but i think i missed the feeling i had with either of them. i miss the feeling. but i have realized that i can have that feeling again with him.

and i definitely will get those feelings back.

gotta stop self-sabotaging everything and just really talk about my feelings. and open up more. but i also want him to open up to me, yet i still feel a hesitation. maybe later on he'll feel connected enough to share how he's feeling whenever he doesn't feel like talking.

we both want this marriage to work. for us and for our son.

[theahtziridiaries]

motherhood.

I've always had dreams and imagined what my life would be as a mother. i've dreamt myself having twins. a little girl.

but lately. i've dreamt about having a boy. since meeting chris and having that pregnancy scare. i pictured myself with a boy. going into the sonogram room and being told i was having a boy, a little part of me began tearing up. that's the moment it became real. i want nothing more than to raise this boy the right way. making sure he's respectful to everyone, especially women. because the next time i am pregnant i want it to be a girl. so that she'll have a great big brother that wants to protect her. and stand up for her. i've raised my siblings growing up. i tried to do the best that i could with the situation we had. but another part of me resented them. for making me lose my childhood. for protecting them whenever they did anything wrong or just to keep them away from the abuse. but after having to always care for them and make sure their needs were met. i never had my needs met. i couldn't do the things i wanted without making sure they were ok.

moving out was the hardest part. the guilt of leaving them behind and only taking care of myself. but i needed it for myself. to heal from everything.

but now i have someone else i have to take care of, me and my son. as much as i am scared. he is the priority. he is the one i take care of now and only him.

as much as i feel guilty about my siblings and leaving them behind. they are full-grown adults that need to finally grow up. they don't do anything for themselves. they never had to step out of their comfort zone.

but now it's just about me, my son, Ezra, and the small family we're going to be. this is a new chapter of my life. and my family will still be a part of it but from the sidelines.

i can do this. i know i can be a good mother. i just need to continue healing so my mental health doesn't overcome my emotions. but if it does i know i have Ezra to help me out. and i know he's gonna be a good father.

[theahtziridiaries]

june 9th, 2023

3 months in. wow. 3 months.

3 months pregnant. me? marvi? it was surreal to me back in april but now... it's just becoming more and more real.

i haven't even mentioned that i was going on any dates with anyone. let's start from there.

work became more of a chore, i was enjoying my new coworkers. they're a lot different from my ripley's coworkers, but we did start hanging out more.

especially this one guy. ezra. from the beginning he was a really good friend, he was funny, entertaining. for someone 35, he didn't make you feel young. i felt comfortable around him.

I moved in with talia around december and he happened to help me move out my things from my parents. with no hesitation, he was very caring. and i needed that type of guy friend in my life.

until Santacon, when i started catching feelings but i was avoiding them. i didn't want to date another coworker, i didn't want to get hurt again. i backed off completely when he told me he was seeing another one of our coworkers. that's where i wanted it to end.

until he made me dinner, at his place. when he told me he liked me. and i was too stunned to speak. i didn't know how to feel, talia had warned me about him liking me, but i ignored it. i had to. i just wanted a close friend.

but i did like him.

maybe it was just him being nice to me. or showing some ounce of respect. maybe it was the fact that after getting hurt by Chris and then finding someone great like Danny only for that to end but not end horribly.

danny showed me that things could end mutually and with no one getting hurt in the end. that there are more nicer and respectful ways to break things off without ghosting or making someone feel miserable.

so me and ezra began seeing each other casually. almost 5 months into seeing each other. we started to get closer. he kept asking me where i think this is going and in the beginning, i didn't think it was going anywhere. part of me didn't want to be delusional, fantasizing about a relationship was the biggest heartbreak for me.

i was finally at a point where i was healing. living on my own, doing my own thing. having my routine set.

despite all that i still gave the casual thing a chance. i kept my heart as closed off as i could, before i could really feel like i can leave out in the open.

now it's june. and i'm pregnant. unexpected turn of events. the 2 of us have been trying to make it work. we're slowly getting there. surprisingly we've been doing good at communicating, sometimes it's hard for me to really be open up. and there are times when i do mess up a lot.

I'm not used to a guy wanting to have healthy communication. i was always the one fighting for them to open up and talk to me. now that i have that, a little part of me doesn't know how to react to it. countless heartbreaks lead to me not expecting much from a relationship. or from the other person.

i self-sabotage every relationship, but now that we're both having a kid together. i can't be childish and start creating situations in my head. i need to start talking about what bothers me.

he always worried he's not doing much to take of me, but he is. he dropped everything just to make it a home for me in his apartment. he's always worried about me and if i'm doing ok. he messages me between work hours to ask if i need anything.

he's doing more than i expected. my expectations were low but he makes me think higher of him.

he was special to me as a friend and now as a husband, and father to our son. i want everything to be ok. with him, with us and the small family we're gonna have. i hold him close to my heart and that's where i want him to be. alongside our son.

[theahtziridiaries]

september 1st, 2022

it's been a month, and it's definitely had its ups and downs. but one of the best things that have happened to me. I finally got a job and I'm so happy about it.

I've been working a lot since getting the job. I'm getting hard job tasks in a matter of weeks. I'm too good at my job that he's trusting me to do a lot of things.

one of the big things I want to really go back to learning is the espresso machine again. I want to make the drinks again and be good at them.

the best thing is, I get out of work at 1pm. yeah, I start work at 6am and have to be awake at 4am. But knowing I have the rest of the day to do whatever I want, is great to me.

apart from that. other things have happened.

Chris interacted with me again, and we started talking. sorta. we laughed about things as if we were still friends. however, I did bring up the situation in a joking matter. it took him a while to reply back but in the end, he "apologized" in a way that he thought was okay.

but every time I bring up the situation as a joke, he always responds really late. but it's making me realize he just doesn't want to acknowledge the situation even if it's a joke to me now.

I genuinely want to forget a lot of the things between us, I never want to bring it up. the small conversation we had was enough for me to realize he is mentally childish and just needs to grow up.

he probably will never grow up and that's really sad for him.

at least I know there will be no relationship between us. romantic or even as friends.

[theahtziridiaries]

july 1st, 2022

I cried about you last night. almost to the point of sobbing. so I texted my friends. Talia saw the text, she told me it was normal to cry and feel this way.

but I hated myself at that moment. because I let myself continue to cry over you. crying over the fact that I will continue to cry over you & you won't care because as much as I didn't want to believe it, that's exactly what you do. You do not care.

it was my fault for falling for you, especially in the most vulnerable moment of my life. I let my guard down for once because I didn't want to always hold in everything I felt. I wanted someone to finally listen to me and I let it be you.

you told me you love me, multiple times. you said it felt right with us, and even if it was for a moment. it felt right because it was right.

sometimes I feel like you do still love me, you're just afraid that I'm still angry with you. and I am.

because you took something from me and part of me hates you for that, you took the last bit of trust I had in people. you took that away from me. I could've saved it for someone that was worth it.

now I'm too afraid to open up to anyone new.

I don't even know if you ever even think about me, how much you hurt me. how much it hurts to see you still look at everything I post. but you don't bother to interact anymore.

like we're strangers who were once co-workers.

I know you probably went through your own mental health and trying to get better from it. but I could've been there to at least help. I wanted to be there just to help. even if it were just as friends.

because I care about my friends and their mental health.

but it took you months to talk to me but just seconds of you going back to playing video games. maybe you don't think I worried about you but I constantly check with Andrew to see if you responded to him and to see if you were ok.

I even went and asked everyone else we knew to text you if you were ok. I was actually worried something bad happened to you. that maybe you got worse when you were sick. I worried about you every single day until I realize you isolate yourself and just casually went back to playing video games.

but I'm the one that gets fucked over for caring about you. I'm the one that ends up crying & feeling heartbroken. while you continue to watch wrestling and play video games.

I want to get over you. I want to move on but most of all I want to stop crying over you. I want to stop loving you the way I do.

because if you were to apologize right now, I would still tell you I love you and hope that would do something. but that's wishful thinking.

who knows though, you might tell me happy birthday and I would just see it and never respond. who knows.

[theahtziridiaries]

city life pt. 2

waking up on Saturday morning, 8am workouts until 9am. breakfast at 10:30am and just the rest of the day to myself. cleaning because I don't want the apartment to accumulate dust like it did when I lived with my parents and my siblings.

I'd make sure chico got his pets for the morning and was well-loved. getting his food ready.

knowing I had a shift at the bar I work at later that day. mentally preparing myself. I'd head to Soho looking for a new spot to get coffee or I would go to my trusted coffee shop.

maybe just maybe. he would probably be there. maybe he sleeps over because it's the weekend and he always stays with me during the weekend.

we go for brunch or just coffee and as we stroll the city, we stop by a local grocery store and grab some fresh flowers. maybe we head into a bookstore and see what's new. maybe as we're walking back to my place, he holds my hand and we call each other names. or I make a corny joke that he shoves me. but then he kisses my head because it was cute that I made a joke.

maybe as we head back into my place, he helps me water the plants and maybe he's playing with chico. maybe for the rest of the time we have, we watch t.v and make dinner. then he drops me off at the bar and heads back to my place, so he can play his video games.

then when my shift is over which would be at 12am, waiting for me as the new bartender comes in and stays until 4am. we hold hands as we make it back home. maybe we don't bother to take the train.

since it's new york, we walk home. enjoying the ambiance of everyone heading to bars or just leaving one. the party life on Saturday.

or maybe we don't even leave the bar, we wait for the rest of our friends to come and we have a good night, drinking and joking with one another. I'd sit on his lap while we were laughing with everyone else.

then we would head home.

but not before walking chico in the late-night breeze. we're talking about something deep or maybe we finally open up the topic of him moving in. maybe we decide to get more serious about the relationship.

or maybe it's just me enjoying my own life. walking chico, getting the occasional flowers to add color to my apartment. maybe I'm just sitting at home sketching as true crime stories play on the t.v. or maybe one of my friends randomly shows up and wants to go get food before I head to work.

and maybe as I work at the bar. my friends randomly pop up for a drink and they have a good time and wait until my shift is over. and as we all head back home. they make sure I make it home first since I live alone.

that's my city life and maybe it might be lonely or maybe it might not be. but I know either one I will be happy.

[theahtziridiaries]

june 22nd, 2022

almost made i two years without getting covid LOL. so close.

regardless, it's just a really bad cough and i am hoping to get better in the next 4 days now. after that, i am definitely keeping my mask on and being 10x more cautious than i already was.

i have been keeping my mask on and thought maybe i can just raw dog life for a bit without a mask here and there but... no. keeping to having my mask on at all times and cleaning my hands often.

i'm just glad that by the time i am ok. it'll be my party soon. which i still need to get prepared and have everything set for it. and buy all the things i need for the party.

especially, the alcohol.

all the alcohol

[theahtziridiaries]

june 13th, 2022

bartending is my next dream job. i just need to start a bartending program and i am set. i cannot get lazy about this. i have to do it. i need this to work for me.

i talked to olivia on friday, on one of our girl's nights out. she said she would talk to one of her friends about her apartment and see if she would lease it to me. but i need the job to work.

once i get enough money i'll be able to afford it. for the meantime, i get Annette to move in with me and just help me out until i can be financially stable to be on my own.

my life is coming together and i can finally see the bright side of things. sho will help me get a job as a bartender somewhere with some practice. i can't wait.

life is coming together for me. i want this to last forever. please.

[theahtziridiaries]

Apartment Life

One of my main goals in life is to live in the city. Live my simple life of waking up on Sunday mornings walking around my city, and going to the Union Square Farmer’s Market to buy flowers, and organic vegetables even if I barely cook. 

I want simple city life, I want to be able to leave my house just to sit at a cafe and read a book. Go to dinner with my girls and just have a great talk. I want a great night out with friends, getting drinks at our favorite bar that’s not overly crowded.

I want my friends to come to my place unexpectedly, just to hang out and watch chick flicks or dumb rom-com. Or maybe for a couple of drinks. Drunk talks at 3am, as we head to the 7-11 that’s opened 24/7. 

Wanting to escape the life I was currently in for the life I wanted, the life I needed. Freedom was my only goal. 

Even if it met living with 3 other people. I just know it would be just as good for me. Roommates weren’t really my thing but if it meant I get to leave my family home. 

It’s a main goal of mine. With roommates, we take turns taking care of the house. We help each other out. Or so I hope. The only person I know I would be fine with is Talia. I don’t really know her roommate well or whoever the other person was supposed to be that would be living with us.

Only a year for me to look for a decent job, a year to look for another apartment. And to be out for good. 

Waiting for the days I can leave my house more, go to a cafe and read or even go to brunch with Talia and the other 2 roommates. Maybe going for a grocery run for the week. Learning to make cakes or dinner. 

Or even if I’m in my room alone, Chico is on my bed sleeping as I type away my feelings or focus on drawing. Painting and just sitting in my room listening to my music. Having a simple day at home with the other girls in their own room. Where we come together if we want to watch a movie or binge a new show. 

Or for a casual take-out dinner. Or when we decide that we need candy and snacks at 12am so we run to the nearest bodega. 

Letting each other know that we’re gonna have someone stay the night. But the girls know exactly what it means. But we also know to stay quiet. 

The typical Sex and the City lifestyle mixed with the same vibes as Friends. Maybe every New York City rom-com/ chick flick I have ever watched. 

But my main goal is just to be able to explore new parts of my city and get into expensive restaurants. Find cool bars, maybe low-key clubs that are actually cool but not overcrowded. Go up to Washington Heights to Harlem. Find new places that people don’t know about. Go to all the bookstores I can find and get all the books I may never read but I will eventually get there. 

Blick Art Supplies where I would spend most of my day trying to figure out what kind of sketchbook I want. Or deciding what kind of pencil or ink pen I need. 

Everything would be coming together eventually. Finally making enough to go back to school and study Curatorial Studies so that I can work at any of my favorite museums and finally earn enough for a salary. Enough that I could finally be stable on my own. 

Once I have made enough, I want to work on getting my own flower shop cafe with a tattoo shop that’s all the way in the back but people will come just to get coffee, plants, tattoos or even all three. 

The biggest goal of mine. 

To finally get my own place. A nice 2 bedroom apartment, with a large living room/dining room. Big enough to have space for friends and great parties. Or even family dinners where they come to my house instead. I know eventually, my mom would get over the fact that I left but she would also understand that I thrive better on my own. And I do. I will. 

I just know I would be doing so much better mentally. 

That’s the Apartment Life for me. It’s my biggest dream.

[theahtziridiaries]

All We Have is All We Were Meant to Be

God, i fell for you hard. I fell for your sleepy eyes, the sound of your giggle when i make you laugh. 

The random winks you give me when i look at you. That makes me blush like an idiot. I’m obsessed with you. 

I miss every part of you. I miss the moments we have. The way we look at each other as our skin touches. You’re funny, dorky & weird but i love it. 

Someone just as introverted as me, someone who would rather be home than leaves their space. But when we’re together it becomes our space & i love every moment. 

When you tell me you love me, that you miss me, that you’re obsessed with me. My heart flutters with happiness. The more you say the words i want to hear. The more I’m overcome with fear.

Fearing things will end & when it does. It’ll hurt. 

Loving you this much will be harder to let you go. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok with letting you go. But god i love you. 

Maybe we should stop it before it gets harder. 

“Everything with you is just right. Together we’re just right.”

Letting you go will hurt, but in the end, i love you so much. Maybe this fear i feel will help me with being ok. Relationships end. That’s part of life. 

If this is all we’re meant to have with each other, then i want it for as long as i can have it, for as long as i can have you.

sleepy eyes.

[theahtziridiaries]

Independence

Even in a house full of people. No one seemed to care that i cry in the bathroom. That i cry myself to sleep. 

No one even seems to care when i actually am quietly crying. No one hears it. 

I’m better off alone. 

My mom doesn’t care, she might think she does. But she’s not emotionally there for me. 

I wish i was high school me again. Someone who didn’t care. Who went with the flow of everything. I want her back. She was so free. She was so confident in herself. 

She was dumb. 

She believed things would get better. She was naive. 

But boy was she strong.

I guess i want to go back to dreaming. But i know dreaming doesn’t get you anywhere. Yet she believed those dreams would come true. And they did just for a moment. Until things changed. Things went downhill so quick. 

But she would’ve been so strong. She would’ve just seen this as a minor setback. But now at 23. Everything is just a dead-end for me. 

Maybe it’s just me not trying. 

I guess what I’m saying is. I want to have the strength i had in high school. But she wasted her strength on her friends, protecting them from all the bs that was high school. 

Now they’re stronger than ever but she’s left feeling weak. How can she ever regain the strength she lost. She doesn’t regret giving her strength to others. But now she needs the strength herself but there is no one around. 

This is why she does things alone. 

I want to be strong again. I want to be able to hold myself up once again. But it seems to me that all i have left is to cry. And i have so many tears.

[theahtziridiaries]

may 29th, 2022

you stopped talking to me on February 3rd.

you were my moment of bliss, the one thing i enjoyed despite having such miserable love life. You were at least something i could look forward to. But you like he did, broke my heart.

I wanted so badly to have you in my life for as long as i could but you probably didn't. Despite everything you said before. That you loved me with your whole entire heart, that you were obsessed with me.

Now talking to other guys and they try to give me that energy i get scared. Because they might leave just as quickly as you did. However, with them i don't care, they're not the ones i want.

I was in love with you, i probably still am. I miss you everyday but its not like i can ever say anything. It would just be a waste. so i keep it to myself.

you share songs on your Instagram stories, and when i do see them, part of me, the deep deep part of me wants to believe you are trying to communicate thru those songs again. Like we subconsciously did in the beginning. But another part of me hurts that maybe thats what it is.

I don't think i could handle that. Even if it weren’t true. Idk how exactly i would feel to know any of the truth. But i do.

i want to be happy again but i can't bc i miss you and love you too much to ever forget that. Part of me wishes you love me still & that maybe you thought this was going too fast or getting too serious.

I don't know... it will always tug at my heart i guess...

[theahtziridiaries]

you watched me fall in love with you. you should have left me alone if you weren't ready.

[theahtziridiaries]

december 12th, 2021

where do i even begin? So much has happened. I don't really know how to feel yet. I'm doing ok? that could just be the type of person i am. that things like this is just another thing that happens in life and one just needs to move on.

I and sho broke up about 3 weeks ago. we broke up to focus on ourselves. but since then its taken a toll on sho and no matter what i do, or say to him. he still thinks he's at fault. it was no one's fault. it was just getting too much.

i was in love with him. but repeated arguments were getting too repeated & i needed change. I wanted my life back.. before the engagement. before i had someone pressure me into making them happy.

he made me happy but he also depended on me too much. he wanted me around all the time and i just know that would make me feel trapped. i already had to deal with this type of thing with my mom. feeling trapped, like i could never go anywhere in my life. like I'm only around to keep someone company.

i don't want to be responsible for someone's mental state. especially when I'm not in the right mental state myself.

people ask me why i said yes when he proposed. i said yes bc i wanted something new, something exciting. and i thought it would be great bc i get to do this with someone i love. but in the end. we found an apartment, it stayed a mess, it didn't feel like we did it together.

he sister ended up taking my office space. and i spent 7 months waiting for him to man up to say something to her. but he didn't. he never set the ground rules. a week turned into a month and then more months.

i never got to experience the apartment with him. nothing was getting done. not with the wedding not with the apartment. i was tired of begging.

now that I've had time to think about myself and the relationship where it went wrong. I would say it was both of our faults. he never did man up. he wanted a married life yet showed no signs of wanting that life with me. for me... i was getting trapped once again, not feeling free. feeling that this was going to be my future. begging him to change to make changes in our life. but it would never happen.

thinking more about the relationship i feel angry. bc he wanted this. he wanted to be husband and wife. but did nothing to prove thats what he wanted. the apartment is still dirty, but he continues to say its cleaned.

there is no plates, there is no furniture. Just things he finds in the street. the room is still a mess... he hasn't done anything to make the apartment home.

I'm angry bc it felt like over time i was excited for the husband and wife's life yet i knew i would have to keep begging and after a while the excited feeling left. i went back to hating marriage, hating weddings.

hating relationships...

now we're just friends. roommates too.

he was supposed to be my escape, someone who would save me from the life i hated. but it turns out i once again had to save myself...

our mental health needs to get better... he needs to get better... but he won't look for the help and that angers me more. he doesn't realize by not getting help, he's taking it out on people who don't understand where he's coming from bc he will not vent or open up to anyone bc he feels like a burden.

i need to focus on myself. i can't be held back again. I want to move forward. and eventually, if we get back together... maybe we can start where we left off... but for now it's highly unlikely...

but I'll always be there for him no matter what.

[theahtziridiaries]

september 7th, 2021

august 21st. we lost a brother, cousin, and uncle.

it wasn't the call i wanted to get at 9am in the morning. that morning i sobbed into the arms of the person who was there. the love of my life.

but as i cried in his arms, i felt the anger toward an old friend. someone who goes around spitting out bullshit. That's the anger i felt. this virus took him from us, but people seem to take it as a joke.

tio. i miss you. and since you left us. i haven't been the same. nothing no longer makes me happy. I'm so lost. during your burial, i was fine for the moment. but the moment the priest began to speak about the person you were when you lived. my heart broke. when he said you loved to spend time with your nieces and nephews, the tears never stopped.

that part hits the most.

i know eventually, I'll be ok. but dia de Los Muertos is coming & knowing we'll be adding another picture to the alter will hit us the most.

you were the uncle who lived with us in this small two-bedroom apartment. you watched movies with us whenever the whole family got together.

I'm going to miss the old Ranchero music you played on your cassette player. I'm going to miss your random hugs that were so tight yet even tho they annoyed us, we never told you to stop. because that was your way of showing us, love.

I'm gonna miss the sound of your work boots, walking around the house, the big blue bookbag you carried with you to work. And even at what i assume was 70. you still held strong.

on your last couple of months, we hoped you'd get better. we hoped you go back to being the excited, fun-witted uncle.

something horrible took you from us.

this was hard for me to write, to finally put into words how much it hurts, as i write this i shed tears but i hold it back from getting any worse. eventually, i will be able to think of you and remember our happy moments with everyone.

i may never forget this pain. but i just hope you're looking out for us. take care of abuelita and abuelito, I'm sure they're happy to see you with them.

- love one of your nieces that you loved being around

[theahtziridiaries]

Not What I Wanted

i hate being at home but i can't leave.

i have no where to go.

there's one place.

but its not the place i want to be.

it doesn't feel welcoming.

it just feels like another place where i can run off to when i hate it at home.

but its not home, its not a safe space.

it doesn't seem to grasp for some.

but i want a place i can feel like I'm free like i can be comfortable. where i don't have to hide myself.

where i can be myself without the anxiety. where i can do my own thing without the annoyance of someone yelling at me.

but its not with my parents and its not with sho. its a place i need to find on my own.

bc this isn't what i wanted. sho i am sorry but i hate it there. it doesn't feel like home. its not a place i belong. you will never understand.  because you choose your family over me and you know how much i suffer.

you know how much i want to get away. I suffer everyday i wake up to get away to finally be free but you don't seem to care. no matter what you say i don't believe you

because this isn't what i wanted and you know it.

[theahtziridiaries]

Maybe Just Maybe

i want someone who doesn't need to be told that I want something. maybe I'm a romantic in some aspects.

maybe i do want the flowers for no apparent reason, maybe I want someone who knows what i want in the moment.

who will fight for me when i need it. maybe I want someone who will hold stuff for me just bc they want to. maybe i want someone who puts the effort to make nights fun and exciting.

maybe i just want a random romantic gesture, someone who kisses my hand, holds it and stares but doesn't care that i ask "what" or "why"

someone who won't talk to me like I'm stupid. someone who will drop everything for me when i need them bc they understand i never had that.

someone who understands that i just want to get away, who will save me. bc I've been fighting for myself my whole life and no one has come to my rescue.

I'm a girl who's had to fight her whole life and is independent but that person understands that I'm getting tired and i need saving.

yes, i want a hero despite my character. yes, i want that person to come running when i feel myself getting weak.

i need to know that someone is you. bc if its not. i don't think we are meant for anything more than this moment we had for the past 3 years.

and it's okay if this is all we're meant to have bc at least it taught me something. there is someone who will stand by me for all the hobbies, jobs, and ideas i have.

this taught me, that there will be someone who is willing to work with me. it teaches me that i can love someone, that i can be around my favorite person for so long and still miss them so much the second they leave.

it taught me i am capable at relying on someone. and maybe one day.

maybe just maybe. the other half of what i ask for will be completed.