thealter-ego

[thealter-ego]

Babe. This time, the different is not the person, but me. The way i respond my emotion and feelings when i decided to fall in love with u. It's way more calming, comforting, and happy. Love u, R.

[thealter-ego]

Babe, I suddenly cried a lil bit. I suddenly questioning my feeling again. Am i actually not happy? Am i actually denial towards my feelings? Am i actually afraid? Am i actually lonely?

But i cant keep that feeling too long, apparently. Im still loving you, it doesnt change. But the lonely part that makes me questioning myself. Suddenly i miss my dad, my brother. I miss talking about myself. I miss talking about my days.

Am i, lonely?

I have no one now. My friends seems started to bored with my stories. I have nobody to talk about u.

[thealter-ego]

Oh my god i cant stop thinking about his dimples haha.

[thealter-ego]

Is it going to be the same pattern?

I thought im in love, but actually im just being curious, or am i just bored?

Am i actually in love with him, or i just love the idea of him?

Whatever that is, im just gonna let this feeling grow like a blooming sunflower gardens, that it will never stop. Once it dead, it will grow again, much more of it. It's not seasonal, but lasts forever.

If this just the same pattern, i might not gonna regret it. Bcs im so happy, im smiling all day thinking of him. I was trying to making this sad, but i cant. Im still smiling, happy, with a lot of positive toughts.

Im not gonna ask God to make this feeling fades faster anymore. I will let this feeling growing. If this going to be the same partner, If he is not going to be my future partner, that's okay. I think im gonna be fine. I might gonna be sad, but i'll be fine.

Fell in love with him is such a blessing. It's been a long time since i felt this kind of feeling. The difference is, he is too possible to be my future partner. There is so many ways to get close to him. But i dont have a chance yet. Maybe one day. Maybe when u are ready. Bcs im so ready.

[thealter-ego]

So how could I be in love with him?

At first, i dont know. My first impression of him was bad. Until i was trying to understand him as ex pesantren, he should be so awkward when he talk to woman. Even tho he already been close with a girl before she rejected him.

His physical appearance doesnt even fit my type of guy 😭

But then i looked his photo. He's not.. that bad 🥲

When the first time I saw him in kakak's wedding, one thing that highlights the most was.. his dimples. In that photo, he's smiling widely. Those dimples came out, dominating his entire face. That shit hella cute i cant even forget it.

Another thing is..

My mom likes him. She can confirmed that he's good guy, even tho i cant find any evidence. But at least, he's not a smoker, and pray 5 times a day. And since hes from pesantren i could expect that hes good in islam knowlege, just like dad.

And, him and my mom seems really get into each other like.. akrab bener?? They share jokes like theyre friends. And, that's actually what i need in men. The one who can be akrab with my mom. Cuz maybe i will be the one who take care of my mom, and i wish my man could akrab with my mom.

Hes also from mid class family. His mom is a teacher, his dad worked in pos indo.

He also really kind to elder people, he can be akrab with them, make jokes, and always says yes when they asked some favor. So i think he's a good listener?

He's first born, and the only boy in the family. Me, last child and the only girl in the family. And i just realized that, i want to be with a man who is the first born or the only child. First born bcs im so close with my first brother. Only child bcs i just dont want to be bothered with his brothers/sisters lol. But still want the first born bcs they usually the most reliable person in the family. And i need someone like that.

Well, idk the truth, is he actually the first born or not. My mum forgot about it, she kinda unsure. But knowing that his mum is still pretty young, he probably is the first born.

Also, one of his sisters are already married, the other one is getting married soon. Meaning that.. he's not tulang punggung of the family ehhe.

One day I wrote about criteria of my future husband. One of them was "a cat lover, or animal lover". Idk if hes one of them, but his family has 4 cats in his house. So i guess he likes cat too?? 🥹

He seems like easy to laugh in everything. Idk what happened with him but, i like seeing him smiling like that. And i wish, i really wish, i could keep his smile bright and wide like that everyday hehe.

Yeah the thing is, i finally have the reasons. Meaning that it is not just me being curious about a person like when I did to J. Meaning that, im in love. I admit it now that im in love with him.

Even tho it's just a glimpse of him that i knew. I dont want to be in the same pattern again. I want him to be with me. I dont want to be a miserable girl who cant get the man of my dream. There is no doubt in me.

In this moment, he actually jobless. Kinda sad and disappointing, to be honest. But, i want to wait. I know im not stupid when i decided to love him, and wait for him to get a job, and decided to love me back. Ill wait for that moment, to get to know him more.

[thealter-ego]

What a year. Hello tumblr world i miss u so bad. Sorry i didnt write in here anymore. Lately i wrote my thoughts on notions hehe its more private and i dont have to censored names.

So little story, i fell in love again. With men. That i knew. That my mom's knew. We were introduce ourselves. It was bad, actually. He was seems uncomfortable, and so was I. But he made me thinking about him. It's been 3 weeks. And i started acting crazy. Having feeling like he is going to be the one. With no doubts. Like im so sure that he coukd be the one. Simply bcs there is so many oportunity for me to meet him again, to talk to him properly. Unlike when with J, it was so full of doubt. And my mum likes him, i think she wants me to be with him. And i feel like everything is going to be easier for us to be together. Even tho i dont know if he likes me or not. We never talk again after that day, i need to know him more. And i need him to know me more. Bcs nobody's gonna fell in love w me that fast, they should talk to me first.

But reading my old posts about men, especially J, i started thinking, is this going to be the same pattern?

Im so afraid, yet im so ready with whatever happens in the future.

[thealter-ego]

I need to make more ootd contents

[thealter-ego]

It seems possible that u could love me, J. But I don't know. So many heartbreaks that Ive been through. It made me doubt about it.

Fuck I don't even know who you are rn. I really wish I could talk to you, J. I really want to know you better.

[thealter-ego]

This place is like my love story book lmao I always talk about men who doesn't love me back

..bcs I never told them that I loved them

..bcs they're all so impossible to fell in love with me.

[thealter-ego]

I kinda miss him I hope I could talk to him rn.

[thealter-ego]

Yaa Allah, at least, made him dreaming about me. Just like I dreamt about him couple weeks ago.

[thealter-ego]

How could I fall in love with u just by dreaming about u one time?

Ya Allah aku nggak mau buang-buang waktu dan energiku lagi. Apabila dia memang orang yang tepat untukku, apabila engkau memilih dia untuk menjadi teman hidupku, dekatkan kami. Aku mohon, dekatkan kami. Pertemukan kami.

Bila dia bukan yang terbaik untukku, aku mohon hilangkan perasaan ini. Aku lelah jatuh hati.

Walau sudah lama sekali aku tidak merasakan ini.

Walau aku merindukan perasaan ini.

[thealter-ego]

Omg hello world of tumblr. It's been a while. I tought u were gone. I think ill be back to write here again hehe. Thank u for stayin ❤️

[thealter-ego]

If you had depression, im truly sorry for you. but please, PLEASE, dont be an annoying person. dont make that as an excuse to be a jerk, to seek attention. no, you wont be loved if you being such a jerk.

[thealter-ego]

Bodohnya aku, menunggu kamu di sini, tanpa mengetahui keberadaan kamu.

[thealter-ego]

today wasnt so good. i start the day without praying. then i have to face my brother who was smoking in the bathroom that make the smoke goes everywhere. i came late to the cafe and its already full house. today was should be a recording day for podcasts but i had an idea that we should do meetings with all members, talk about our visions and all the things that we have to talk about. but then there was no response, most of them were not available, nor answering my questions even tho they were actually read the chat. 

PLUS, i cant get focus with my own tasks and project. it made me stressed out. and also, the coffee that i ordered here is sucks.

i have no reason to be happy today. im out.

[thealter-ego]

And dunno why im feeling so sad. Not just bcs of him. I feel like no bois or mens gonna like me. Not even friends. I want to tell my friends about my feelings but im afraid they would think that its not that improtant, plus they already had misery horrible life currently. Also, they looked like doesnt care about my stories. Im just gonna shut up and never tell this anymore.

Im not fall in love with him, i was just so happy that finally someone care about me. But it was just in my head so, thats made me sad too. A lil disappointed bcs i was expecting too much. Even tho i was so sure that we were not meant to be each other. We had different reference and hobbies, even knowlege.

Now i wanna cry bcs of something shitty. And my friends might be dont care abt this haha.