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theanxietycactus-blog · 7 years

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Entry #2

January 9, 2017 Monday, 7:55 AM

Only just going to finally give in to sleep now. I feel the pain my chest again, and I can’t breathe or move. Normally I would tell Genki, but now I just feel like any sort of weakness, I can’t show right now. I don’t want to show him how sad I am or how much I’m hurting, even the physical pain. I just want to squish everything and just let it hurt. I think I deserve it anyway. Just feeling a sense of satisfaction from hurting. If I could have, I would have told Genki, but I don’t know if it’s still acceptable for me to even go to him just for that. Who am I kidding, it’s okay I guess, I just want to punish myself. Genki doesn’t need to know. It’s normal, it happens all the time. I would just be worrying him unnecessarily. Why would he even care, I suppose he’s used to it by now. I’ll just endure the pain silently. Just suck it up and stop being such a baby. I don’t deserve to be comforted.

Writing this feels almost like writing to Genki. All the things I just wish I could say, but can’t. Maybe I can just pretend that Genki reads this blog. That maybe he would care that my chest hurts for something as stupid as that. I wish that he has a lot of fun and be happy and enjoy himself. I wish he could forget me a little so I can be miserable with out anyone finding out. I wouldn’t blame him if he’s already started doing that. I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to get away and just be happy. I’m the worst girlfriend ever, or was the worst. Now I’m just nothing. I really wish I could talk to Genki. I just want the pain to end. I want to stop hurting, but I deserve to feel like this. I’m the lowest of the low. Genki would never want someone like me. I should just resign myself to staying like this, just like how I resigned and convinced myself that Genki wouldn’t tell me he loved me after he told me he was unsure about me. I’ll get used to it eventually. I’ll just get used to this feeling of sadness and rejection. I’ll get better at hiding it and maybe I’ll have fewer posts about being sad like this. Maybe I’ll stop crying myself to sleep.

Now I really do feel like crying, after thinking about that, but my eyes are too tired to full on cry. My eyes are watering a bit though. If I could, I definitely would be crying myself to sleep. I’ll settle for stabbing chest pain.

I feel satisfied for every shooting stab of pain I feel. Does that mean I’ll start cutting again, but only this time to feel satisfied from feeling pain? So I can punish myself? I’m scared. I might be getting worse and worse and Genki isn’t here to help anymore.

I feel so alone.

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theanxietycactus-blog · 7 years

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Entry #1

January 9, 2017 Monday, 2:31 AM

Genki unblocked me, and sent me PMs yesterday afternoon.

We made up and everything, but we still aren’t together. He told everyone that we weren’t together anymore; his friends, his sister, his parents even. Now we have to stay lowkey and we can’t be friends on Facebook. I wonder how long it will take before it would be acceptable for us to be together again? How long will it take before we can be official again? He still loves me and I still love him, but I think it’s bothering me a lot. Or on second thought, I don’t just think, I know that I’m bothered by it. It just hurts talking to him right now. It hurts so much, I don’t know what to do, or how to act when I’m talking to him. I can’t even tell him. Would he even care? We’re talking right now, and he’s saying that we need to put limitations on things now. I feel like this is just crushing me slowly. I feel so dejected, I feel like I can’t open up to Genki anymore. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I don’t feel like I can honestly share my feelings with him. I just have to squish everything and bear with it because I don’t really have the right to be running up to him, crying about how sad this makes me feel. What right do I have to do that anyway, after what I did to him? None whatsoever. I know he told me not to squish things, that he wants me to be honest with him, but I feel like this is something necessary right now. Something that I need to do.

He’s saying that I can be sad if I want to be sad, or angry if I want to be angry, but I really think I can’t do any of those things, or feel any of those things. Maybe not really feeling them per se, but expressing them to him or anyone else. I feel like I have to bottle up these feelings and let no one know about them. It feels so heavy, I don’t know if I can take it, but I want to carry them alone. I still have a feeling of wanting to punish myself, so I want to keep these feelings to myself for a while, maybe forever. I want to carry their weight. I know he told me to open up and everything, but I don’t think I can do it right now, not when we’re not together. At least I’ll have this blog just to type out everything and make sense of my own feelings, because right now, I feel pretty messed up.

I just don’t know how I should be talking or acting around him. I feel so weird just calling him Genki when I want to call him bebe. When I do call him bebe, I just feel so wrong inside, na he doesn’t want this really, na everything is still going to not be okay at all, and everything will just end up badly. I don’t know if that’s just the anxiety talking. I don’t know anymore. I feel so lost. I feel so lost that we’re already talking again, but now we’re just together and we’re not together. I guess this is how he felt like when I sprung that on him out of no where; that I wanted to be single and to think and everything. He has more reason to do this than me, but it doesn’t feel any less crushing. I just feel like crying, just crying to sleep, crying in the shower; crying until everything stops hurting. I want things to stop hurting. I want to sleep. I want to sleep all day, and keep sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. Somebody wake me up when things are fine and we’re back together and Genki loves me and wants to be with me.

I can’t tell him all this, I can’t tell him how badly I just want for things to be back to how things were, because I can’t pressure him. I can’t make him stressed. I can’t be “mentally torturing” him anymore, to quote what he said. I feel like I’m mentally torturing myself, and have been for more than a week now. I know that I have to be happy on my own, so that I can make Genki happy and not worry about me so much, but damn, it’s so hard right now. I don’t know if I can make myself happy, the way things stand right now. I feel like I’m back in that time I was just stuck in limbo where I was his girlfriend but he was unsure about me, but now it’s the opposite and we’re not together but he still loves me. This time everything is my fault. I take full responsibilty for this and the consequences of my actions. I feel like closing myself off more than ever. I feel like squishing everything, and just pretending I’m okay. Or if not pretending, just not outwardly showing how messed up I feel inside. I don’t know how to keep talking to him now that he’s stopped ignoring me, but at least I can stop myself from bursting into tears over every little thing that reminds me of him. Or maybe I still will be, from being reminded on how things are right now?

I just don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want him to know how I’m feeling, how crushed I feel, how sad I am. I don’t want him to know that I feel so lost. I don’t want him to know that I’m not okay, because let’s face it, what would he do about it? He’s not obligated to care about me anymore, we’re not together. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay if we aren’t yet, so I don’t know when I’ll ever start feeling right again. I don’t want him to know. I don’t want anyone to know. Even if he tells me I can feel what I’m feeling, I want to feel what I’m feeling just alone. Alone and lonely, just by myself in my own mind. I don’t want him to know. I don’t want him to tell me he feels stressed. I don’t want to stress him out anymore.

I don’t want to be a burden anymore.

Maybe doing this won’t be healthy, but I don’t know how else I’ll be able to cope. I dont know how I can be able to talk to him without wanting him to comfort me, to love me. I don’t feel deserving of anything at this moment. I don’t feel like anything at all.

I feel like lying down and crying myself to sleep. I just feel like sleeping. I wish I could go on sleeping for the longest time. For the longest time, until someone notices me and how I haven’t been replying to any messages or answering any calls. But I also don’t want anyone to know how messed up I’m feeling. I don’t want people to have to worry about me, to be thinking about me, to be pitying me. I don’t want him to know how I’m really feeling. What right do I have to be comforted? What right do I have to be comforted by him? I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve it that he’s even talking to me right now. I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to just wallow in my own sad feelings, and to just cry. To cry, get up, and go on with my life, as if there wasn’t anything heavy weighing in on my mind. I don’t deserve anything from Genki. I feel like I’m so desperate, that I’m just begging for attention and he’s throwing me a bone. That I’m talking about future plans and all the things I want to do, but my brain in just screaming at me,

“You’re not together! Hindi kayo, so wag kang feelingera! What right do you have to make plans and be happy? You have no such right. Just sit there, be miserable, and be quiet. Just squish everything, endure everything because you don’t deserve to be comforted, you don’t deserve to feel any sort of relief.”

As I’m typing this right now, a heavy feeling has settled over my chest, I feel actual physical pain from breathing right now. Who cares? Who cares? Not me. Not me at all. This is what I deserve. This is what I get. I just hope that whatever I’m feeling right now would compensate for the things I made Genki feel. I just feel resigned now. Resigned that things are like this, and that it was all my own doing.

Not being able to tell him what I really feel and getting any comfort, squishing things and not talking about it. I can’t help but feel like this is how people end up committing suicide. Or maybe this is what it’s like being depressed? Maybe I’ve hit an all time low. Feeling like you want help, but you can’t ask for it because you know how much of a burden you are. Feeling like you’re so alone, with people all around you. Feeling lethargic, wanting to sleep all the time, or even not wanting to sleep at all. I feel like I’ve been switching between sleeping too much and sleeping too little and passing out from exhaustion. Not enjoying the things that used to make you happy.

Still having thoughts about killing myself, only now I can’t really tell Genki about it anymore. I don’t want to seem like I’m not okay, that I’m not fixing myself. I don’t want him to think that I’ll do those things to him anymore. I won’t stress him out, I won’t pressure him, I won’t mentally torture him anymore. I’ll just impose everything on myself from now on.

I’m afraid. What if I do end up killing myself because I can’t take it anymore? Because I don’t have anyone to tell this time around? Because there will be no one to stop me this time, because I wasn’t able to tell anyone? That I wasn’t able to tell Genki for fear of stressing him out? It hurts. It hurts to think about. It hurts to think about how much I could end up disappointing him again. It hurts to think about dying that way, feeling like there’s nobody that could help me. What if I’m just spiralling deeper and deeper into depression, but now there’s no Genki to save me.

What if I still end up killing myself? I’m scared.

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