theappleofholly - Tumblr blog

[theappleofholly]

it is all love.

sometimes you will see something saying what if it is all worth it or it gets better, doesn't it and in the little heart of you - you feel a darkness.

was it love, the way i was hurt? some things don't have a lesson in them. no silver lining. they were bad things, and they shouldn't have happened. i'm sorry they did. i am sorry they warp the space they hold in you. we tightrope walk around an ever-present grave. we carry that ache for so long it becomes smooth, overworn. i worry that i'll bore my therapist - despite all of my attempts, the pain persists the same, as sharp as it always was.

but it was all love.

every ugly moment after. every bad night. every time you drank too much and cried on the bathroom floor. every time you threw up from anxiety, every time you panicked in the grocery store. everything you ruined, and everything you walked away from.

some small part of you loved you enough. made you get up. made you wash your face and clean your teeth and call home. made you try again, even from the bottom. even when you were so tired of it; of restarting, of having to do-it-all-again. some part of you reached out. some part of you reached up. even there, in the bad spot - you somehow got up.

love will so rarely be big. it will so rarely be a moment like a dawn. love is shy, i think. she keeps her hands in front of her cheeks. she waits to peek out. and if you're not looking, she will look - normal.

but it will all be love. the way you pour yourself a glass of water. the little rabbit outside your window. your friend pushing your hair behind your ear. the way your dog greets you at the door. "put on a seatbelt". "text me when you get home safe". "oh, i started watching that show you love." "have you been okay?" "let's go for a walk" "whatcha doin?" "what should i make for dinner?"

oh, my life is so different these days. i don't have a partner. i call my friends a lot. i keep falling in love with the little tender moments; the glittering ones. you know, the bird in a puddle and the shush of a newly-lit candle. the movie-moments.

i am also learning to love the ugly. every moment i spent belly-flat to the floor, anxious and panting. every hour i stared at nothing, losing time to my adhd. every missed opportunity and bad memory. i am not doing well. i am spiralling.

but somewhere in there, while i am reduced to ashes. some part of me is an ever-burning ember. her little thankless job, her shy and croaking voice. she holds me to my body. she doesn't let me go. stay, she whispers. out of love. my love. wherever it goes.

some of the bad things that happened to me will always be bad. they did not make me a better person. they made me worse. i only learned what i can endure. and i did endure it. and love wasn't just the perfumed moments. love was just ... staying. while it's ugly and hard and horrible. love was just saying:

okay. i will keep trying. keep going. i owe it to the version of myself who brought me here. i owe it to my future. i owe it to the small loves i have found since - the music and the new recipes and the new books and the new hobbies. i owe it to myself to wait for the next best thing. this wall we have hit - love says keep walking. maybe one day we will find a door.

always, always: just one try more.

[theappleofholly]

It's okay if it takes a little longer than you thought.

[theappleofholly]

A Birthday Letter,

Holly, the day is finally yours! *happy_dance* this is the second time I have celebrated your birthday together with mine. I still can’t believe that you and I have so many things in common, such as horoscope and how we basically set our standards for every literal thing! On top of that, I am glad to have you in my life, not only for our birthday, but everyday every day, I thank God for your existence. Well, we maybe don’t have the sweetest friendship story that ever written, but still, for me, it is the sweetest of them all! The fact that this isn’t the one that have only written by, but the real thing I got in my life!

My wishes for you are bigger than the whole sky, bigger than the hope of you to find one (I’m joking!) Well… I mean, I really wish you well in every aspect of life. The days you went through, the dream you have kept through your entire life, the expectation of life through your lenses that are as bright as everyone else might think. I am wishing you the world, love, luck. I hope that now you reached another lucky number of yours. What I want to say is: it’s totally okay to have the different start than to others. No one knows yourself more than you. I want you to treat yourself nicely, so people know how to treat you the same way. I want you to look forward to your life and leave all the pasts behind. I want you to learn that that is what it is, whatever happens will lead you to a perfect life that you have dreamed of. I want you to be more patient, I want you to be happier than ever. Sometimes, it’s okay to take some rest and go with the flow. Life isn’t a competition where you sacrifice yourself to satisfy your own standards of life. You are the main character of your own life, you are the one who has the rights to write your own journey, not others, not me, not other people. Not your parents, best friends, or some kind of anonymous message they throw at you in a negative way. You have to keep your eyes to yourself, look at yourself through your lenses.

And I am sorry if, somehow, I’m not doing enough for our friendship. I am sorry if my absence makes you think that you are meaningless to me. Besides, you are the world that I taught me. I hope you know how much you mean to others, too. I’m sorry if somehow my behavior is far from perfect. Maybe I could be a jerk sometimes or even worse, a spoiled brat. Because I am. Hehe.

The hours I spent with you make me realize that you deserve the love you give. Your presence itself makes me alive. Thank you for letting me be your friend and believe the words I said. Thank you for being there for me and chose to stay even though I am the one who is totally as tough as the word itself.

Happy birthday, Holly! I want to look forward to seeing your handwritten letters every time, I want to look forward to you find the right one. I hope that we can celebrate our birthday together one day and I hope we can be best friend forever! I want you and I reunite every day to tell each other’s stories which are truly silly and out of mind.

With love,

Irina 🦭

[theappleofholly]

Can’t help but think that this pic is very you!

[theappleofholly]

And this page, I made it to celebrate our friendship through the autumn breeze to the crystal falls on the ground. What I mean by that is that I want to appreciate you more through the things I left unsaid, as now I will pour them all down here.

The days I went through with you and the pages I turned with you in them are just something I couldn’t believe. I can’t believe that right now, I have finally met someone who wants to carve my name and hers onto the stone and believes that our friendship is surreal and no one will understand unless they have this kind of platonic best friend.

Holly, until this day, I still see you as a human diary to me. You are the book that I wrote about my love life in; you are the book I wrote about how I cry over something cringey and get back on track right after realising it. And as I write about my boyfriend most of the time, you are the human diary of mine, I see you as something people can’t see the way I do. I see you as you are.

[theappleofholly]

Holly & Irina

[theappleofholly]