theaskal

[theaskal]

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[theaskal]

I really am at the point where I’m comfortable with the family I have now. Even that old woman.

But sometimes I still do/say things or look a certain way that remind me of how out of place I am with them. Like, I stay things that I don’t intend to be spiteful but they sound out that way and they sort of pause for a moment of shaken silence.  Or when people say I am clearly adopted and it’s kind of funny but then it gets old and calling me an illegitimate child is pushing it.

 But yeah. Makes me wonder if I’m ever going to feel that I 100% belong to somebody. I don’t remember the last time I saw a person or people as home. Sometimes I look at him and for a split-second and I forget who he is. Or my friends, I laugh and smile with them, but then my brain feels dead after a while so I cope with alcohol. And then sometimes when I feel stiff by myself and I just drink alcohol while binge watching Netflix docs on a Saturday night. 

It’s been 25 years and I don’t know if I’ll even reach 50. 

[theaskal]

Finally We have witnessed a Royal got wedding.

[theaskal]

Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.

Jonathan Safran Foer // Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (via qvotable)

[theaskal]

[theaskal]

I created the OASIS because I never felt at home in the real world. I just didn’t know how to connect with people there. I was afraid for all my life, right up until the day I knew my life was ending. And that was when I realized that… as terrifying and painful as reality can be, it’s also… the only place that… you can get a decent meal. Because, reality… is real. 

Ready Player One (2018) dir. Steven Spielberg

[theaskal]

I still don’t understand whyy people come to me with their problems, but when I try to speak about mine, I get blasted on twitter.

[theaskal]

call me, mr.fantastic and say that I am reaching….if the xxxtencion nigga was a problematic Black woman……you lot caping for this jailed physical assaulter of pregnant women, who also allegedly bragged about gay bashing a man in jail…among many other things…..would be quiet, if not loud about how she had it coming.

Black people, I love you to the moon and back and then multiply that by 10, but at some point we have to be honest with ourselves….in the age of the Kanyes, Bill Cosbys and R. Kellys……our loyalty to Black men who routinely degrade us collectively is something that we should all be ashamed of. 

[theaskal]

me: refuses to tell friend my problems cuz she has problems of her own atm; also crippled with fear due to having friends in before that called me clingy problematic*

also me: falls and trusts the friend that she/he really wants to hear what’s wrong with me and won’t judge me

also me: tells friend and feels sad and happy that someone finally will listen

also me: finds out friend subtweeting about me and how toxic my relationship problems are being a burden to their own problems

also me: doesn’t feel angry and understands but also heartbroken but also blaming myself for letting my expectations high that someone finally will listen.

also me: in a relationship, you like because, and you love despite. so if you love people -  it can be a friend or a lover - and I mean really, really love them -accept the fact that they will disappoint you endlessly, hurt you with words when they’re upset, and most of the time, they won’t say sorry or just cut you off. they’re people, they make mistakes. you have to understand that so you can put yourself back together. you can’t control what you feel. you can’t force them to understand you and love you the way you love them.

also me: I hate the sun. I wish I was never born. I wish somebody would just kill me and I can donate my blood and my organs. 

[theaskal]

its like god gave me some good days last week so he could say “ gotchu bitch” and fuck me up this week, starting off with somebody I actually love telling me, “Wala akong balak magpropose sayo cuz you’re crazy. You don’t love anyone.”

What have I been doing for the past nine years then?

Di ako makaiyak sa sobrang shock and I’m just trying to laugh it off cuz I want to and need to be there for my friend na nawala for a long time and I can’t just drop off the face of the earth like i used to do when i’m fucking screaming in my head.

[theaskal]

There’s a slacker in one of our projects. She went to an anime convention instead of doing her part. I and another member got pissed. But when push comes to shove, I’m the only one who spoke up. The slacker cried her way out when I told my professor. My professor was nice, but too nice, and fell for the slacker’s crocodile tears.

The slacker also claimed that my work was hers. She didn’t contribute anything and said that she “contributed” by giving the idea I proposed in the first place.

When I slammed her down with facts of the what she did, she cried even more and at that point I was done. My partner, who I know feels the same way I do, did not speak up for me.

The professor made us work together anyway. He said we only had one week left to work anyway. However, this is against my principles. My grandfather didn’t raise me to be a pussy ass bitch who takes things lying down. When his chinese bosses were trying to fire him for being a flip, what did he do? He fucking quit. The only difference he and I have is if that if someone asks me to stay ( in my case, my partner wanted me to stay because she didn’t want to work with slacker by herself) for them, I would. 

If I was white, would it have gone differently? Would they have made more hassle if I cried? Would it have made any difference if my partner had spoken up? 

[theaskal]

I’ve gotten so much better in burning myself to keep you warm.

[theaskal]

I should have jumped out of the car when you said that my art was useless.

[theaskal]

I shouldn’t have fallen for you when you played that guitar.

[theaskal]

 I should have left you sooner. 

[theaskal]

people think it’s a joke  that you’re putting me in situation wherein i have to fraternize people who tore relationships apart for entertainment. 

[theaskal]

hey if i told you i loved you but not in a romantic-fuck-me-type-of-way, do you wanna run away with me tomorrow

-a love letter never written