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[thebetanavigator]

" I thought it was obvious. "

Before he left, he had always dwelt within the helmsman's company. It had been a solace, a sort of dome of comfort that no other space  could replicate. Hikaru was what made him feel safe, what made him feel as though he mattered in a crew of hundreds. Had he made the wrong choice to leave, without a word to the other? He knew it had  been. Regret bled through his veins as he desperately clung to what was left of his sanity, a hand finding the other man as he gripped his uniform shirt. 

" I love you. "

"Don’t."

The word was a short burst of air that escaped his lips before he could even think about it, and he flinched the tiniest bit upon hearing that term of endearment, though he tried to hide it. Part of him delighted at hearing it again, but that same feeling highlighted how absent that single word had been from his life and how much he had yearned to hear Kevin’s voice call him that again. He just… couldn’t deal with it right now.

Hikaru took a deep breath again, trying to recompose himself as he exhaled shakily.

"Why me?"

[thebetanavigator]

            " and god i've missed ye. "

he doesn't care if she finds it within herself to make him pay for his absence, for her touch was more than enough to sustain him.

         ” i might be inwardly tearing you a new          one…

       — but i’m just glad to see you more. “  

[thebetanavigator]

     A chuckle escapes before he twists his       fingers between hers in an attempt to draw      her in close, lips finding her in a gentle kiss,      contact he had longed for. But as he pulls      away, he finds a smile once again.

                    " How's that? "

       ”How about both?” 

[thebetanavigator]

" I never said I was perfect, 'Karu. I bollocksed this up, I know that! "

Desperate hands raked through disheveled blonde locks and he knows better than to try and close the ever widening distance between them. He had created this chasm in an attempt to run away from his problems. But they never truly went away, instead he just alienated those who would have tried to help him, tried to be there. But how do you comfort a man who had spent his entire life trying to forget tragedy, only to have it follow him no matter where he went? To try and make something of himself, only to prove to the world that he wasn't capable. He inhaled sharply as his hands fall with a smack to his sides, tears threatening to free themselves and any restraint he had left, would be gone for good.

" I missed ye more than anythin'--all I can do is ask fer ye ta try and fergive me, dathúil. "

His breathing hitched at that simple yet loaded word that left Kevin’s lips, and he couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes and look at the other man again. Hikaru wasn’t entirely sure he had heard right, because how could that be the answer to his question? His fist tightened again as disjointed questions ran amok in his head — why? how? really? — and he struggled to keep himself grounded to the here and now.

"But you cut me off.”

He opened his eyes, and he felt something in his chest squeeze painfully at the sight of Kevin’s tears. He could barely hide the raw emotions behind his own eyes now that had haunted him in Kevin’s absence — the loneliness and hurt from being left behind. He knew, logically — somewhere in the back of his mind — that Kevin had every right to do so, but Hikaru was still too young to be able to fully accept what had happened.

[thebetanavigator]

thebetanavigator replied to your post:(( y’all bitches are breaking my heart ))

[ GET BACK HURR ]

[ nO I C HOW IT IZ ]

[thebetanavigator]

The selfish answer was easy, really. Staring at the man before him with a swiftly crumbling expression, the broken man peering through freely like a canvas peeling back from it's frame to show a destroyed piece beneath it. He had never been whole to begin with. His mind had always been a torrential storm waiting to savage his insides and escape. He could still feel the ghost of a gnawing hunger, or the sound of crying children around him begging for parents who would not come. And now, he could hear the cries of a doomed woman as she begged for his help when he could not reach her. Just another chink in his armor and it was  enough to make it all shatter at his feet.

What was he now?

" You. "

It was breathless, a tear finally breaking free and paving against the worn flesh of his cheek. His return could be attributed to Hikaru Sulu and his need for purpose. For what was he if not a navigator? And who was he without the man he loved regardless of his poor and selfish actions? He didn't reach for him, however, knowing that if he wished it, Hikaru could pull away from him. Perhaps out of disgust or unwanted invasion. And he didn't think he'd be able to survive his rejection now, from how embarrassingly fragile he had become.

Hikaru knew his words were harsh, but when Kevin had left the Enterprise without a word about it to him, it had been a blow he never expected. Sure, Kevin had retreated and holed up before, but he had never left. Left unable to even defend Kevin’s actions like he wanted, no matter how stupid that might be, because how was he supposed to do that if he couldn’t even talk to him? And having him back like this… well, it certainly felt like someone was clawing open a wound that had never really healed in the first place.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he spoke again.

"What made you come back?"

[thebetanavigator]

" i have indeed, christine chapel. if ye'll have me, that is. the rest of my evenin' is yers ta take. "

                       fingers loop around hers in an attempt                        to keep her hand in his, his trajectory                        shifting to force the pair down the corridor.                        it felt as if they hadn't seen each other in                        ages, especially for two people who normally                        spend most of their free time with one another.

" also there are not a dozen irishmen on this ship and even if there were, there's only one'a me. don' ye bloody ferget that. "

" there are dozens of you irishmen on   this craft. dozens i say. but only one   ballsy enough to try and surprise me. “

                             oh, kevin. how she would rant endlessly about                              your shenanigans. chapel’s own fingers wrapped                              around his hand, tugging them away from her                              eyes so she could peek back at him.                              doofus.

" kevin riley, you sneak. have you come   to join me for dinner? “

[thebetanavigator]

It felt like a phaser blast to the chest, staring at Hikaru as he unfurled the truth of the damage he had caused. What had he expected? A  warm, inviting welcome home? The once unyielding strength of Hikaru's arms was now gone and Kevin felt like he was free falling in open space. He almost wished he was at this point. Returning to the Enterprise was shaping up to be a mistake. Captain Kirk had authorized his impromptu leave, leaving him on a starbase to collect himself, to reconcile with himself and see if Starfleet was meant for him. But as he gazed into the turbulence in russet hues, Kevin could feel his insides churning, a sickness wafting.

" I don' know what ta do anymore. "

His hand curled up into a fist by his side at the change in Kevin’s voice; his nails digging into the palm of his hands. He finally lifted his eyes to look straight at Kevin — Hikaru’s eyes were a quiet but turbulent storm as he tried to push back the tide of all the emotions that had nowhere to go in Kevin’s absence.

"I’m aware she’s dead, Kevin. You abandoned and left us to tell her partner."

[thebetanavigator]

" A girl is dead because of me! "

His tone sharpened, tears welling fast as his eyes widen. He could hear the sound of her shouting in his comms, 'Lieutenant Riley, we have hostile forces inbound--Kevin, they're firing--!' His expression worsened, chin trembling as he forced himself look away, hands paving over tired lips and his shoulders slackened. He would never be a Captain. And to top it off, he isolated his partner. Running seemed easier than facing his problems. Tarsus, Nero, Khan--now Lana.

" She trusted me and she's dead, Hikaru. "

"It wasn’t."

He looked weary, and perhaps with that weariness came a sense of aging beyond his years. Worry lines made grooves on his face as he continued to chew on his lower lip, his eyes cast downwards as his next words came out almost like a resigned sigh.

"It wasn’t, and you disappeared."

[thebetanavigator]

" 'Karu, I saw things down there-- "

He had been in command, the Captain had trusted him, and look where it had landed him? Moisture built as he tried to catch his own breath, but he was drowning.

" I didn' mean ta run away I just-- I couldn' look at ye knowin' what I'd done could have been worse. That girl's blood is on my hands, what if it had been yers? "

"I’m not… that’s not…"

He dug the heel of his hand into his eye, trying to form the words he wanted. Those blue eyes were distracting, causing feelings to bubble up in his chest, and he bit his lower lip to stop them from pouring out.

"I don’t care about ‘good enough’."

[thebetanavigator]

             " nothin' i can say is good enough...i know that. "

but blue eyes stare at him with an ever growing weakness. an all too familiar tug at his chest. he can't explain everything  away. sometimes charm can only take you so far.

[thebetanavigator]

And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men

[thebetanavigator]

         " Want me ta explain it or just show ye? "

      “A proper hello, hm?          What would that include?”

[thebetanavigator]

         " that smile is missleadin' me, álainn.           thought ye'd be tearin' me a new one          fer bein' gone this long on ye. "

        ” Hey stranger. “

[thebetanavigator]

            " Yeah. I swear ta ya. Now, if we've             patched it all up, why don't ya come             on over here and i can give ya a proper hello? "

          “Duh. Just don’t do it again, yeah?” 

[thebetanavigator]

            " do ya forgive me? that's all i care about. "

           ”I’m sure I can manage to find a tiny              bit of niceness somewhere in my heart,              just for you. And maybe blackmail Jim              into changing shift schedules.” 

[thebetanavigator]

         " i wish i had a better excuse than gamma          shift fer the last few weeks, but is there a          chance ya can forgive a poor fool like me? "

thebetanavigator

          “S’been a while.”