thebigbiwolf

[thebigbiwolf]

God the 11 year old girls you put on this earth to climb trees and play with plastic animals are buying foundation at the drug store

[thebigbiwolf]

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

[thebigbiwolf]

environmental storytelling

[thebigbiwolf]

[thebigbiwolf]

i went to "mad at me" island expecting to find people i knew, something i understood. but when my boat landed, standing upon the shore were a million empty husks wearing my own face. every foot of the island was occupied, and everywhere i went, they watched me with contempt. they never spoke, never breathed. they simply watched. no matter how i grovelled and begged, snarled and cursed, tried to hide or kicked and hit, they simply stared. the hatred in their gaze was inescapable, but i could hardly return it, knowing that their doomed existence was of my own creation. knowing that the hatred was nobody's but my own. in the end i just wept, unable to stand the relentless gaze of my own infinite glare.

the guy who i accidentally cut off in traffic last week was there also

[thebigbiwolf]

Being a stay at home partner with no kids is the shit. My life has never been more simple and rewarding.

[thebigbiwolf]

due to inflation the answer to life the universe and everything is now 48

[thebigbiwolf]

dont be afraid to be a cunt ... its the only thing we have left ...

[thebigbiwolf]

[thebigbiwolf]

H

O

[thebigbiwolf]

i just rescued a pill bug they’re gonna reward me with a million pill bucks i’m gonna be a fucking pillionaire

[thebigbiwolf]

you have been found guilty of faking a personality disorder for online clout now before we send in the venomous and homophobic snakes would you like your final bong hit to be alaskan thunderfuck or white yoda

[thebigbiwolf]

Imagine unexpectedly popping up in Valhalla with your pants around your ankles because just half a minute ago you were taking a shit so bad that the Viking gods decided that it should count as dying in battle.

[thebigbiwolf]

ive SEEN quiet toilets. i KNOW we have the technology.

[thebigbiwolf]

if you hired a galapagos finch as a linecook it would perfectly evolve a beak to optimally smoke cigarettes behind the dumpsters

[thebigbiwolf]

Rambling about my weekend ignore me

I wish I could tell my 14 year old self that I would eventually meet Chr*stopher M*ntz-Pl*sse and not only drink with him but also have plans to see him again because I was literally so obsessed with him that he was my phone wallpaper for like an entire year. And it's like. Such a fucking specific crush. Most people don't even know him by name. I don't even think he's ever come up in any conversations with me other than "hear me out." I feel like I got struck by lightning. Also Jack Antonoff acknowledged me several times in the front row and even grabbed my arm.

[thebigbiwolf]

they're hiring me at the extra virgin olive oil factory as the oathsworn knight who protects the chastity of the olives