thebitterlemon-tbl

[thebitterlemon-tbl]

I told him I loved him while he was asleep

He was sleeping softly beside me. Nestled so close. I rubbed his back, played in his hair, drew my nails gently down his arms until his breathing became deep and slow. He looked so peaceful. I loved looking at him in such comfort. I said his name. I kissed him on his forehead. I said his name again. I waited for him to move. His face stayed still. I said his name again. Still remained. 

“I love you”

[thebitterlemon-tbl]

I underestimated my seasonal depression- Tuesday 12/24

It’s Christmas Eve. I just got done working my ass off at one of my side jobs. This seasonal depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t even read my previous posts with clarity. It all sounds like something typed by an imposter. I can’t relate to that person anymore. 

Through therapy, I've been able to identify toxic friendships. Within the past 2 years, I've cut off at least 4 friendships. It started out as healthy habit. But now... I'm noticing myself isolating at an alarming rate. I can’t stop thinking about cutting myself. Which is INSANE. I haven’t done that since I was a teenager. I have this confusing desire to be alone but also be loved. The need to be alone is growing to be greater than the need for human interaction.

The only thing that has been pulling me out of this depression is this man that I met. I am not the person to put stock into the way someone else makes me feel. I want to be self sufficient and take care of myself in ALL areas of my life. Here I am letting this man bring a smile to my face. I feel like he’s changing me. We've been seeing each other for almost two months now. That’s not a very long time at all. I haven’t slept with him yet, which is a big thing. Normally I like to get sex out of the way early to determine if I am fully compatible with someone. But this guy... I want to wait. I want to get to know him and let him get to know me in other ways. It’s weird... I've been so depressed this last month but he's bringing out so much happiness in me. 

I actually did try to take my life last week. It was a feeble attempt. I had a therapy appointment the next day. I keep thinking about my frame of mind when I was trying to kill myself... and the worst part is I don’t disagree with it yet. I want to be ready to say “Thank god you didn’t follow through!” but I’m finding myself wishing I were dead still.

Depression is scary. The way that I view the world when I am depressed is scary. I can go from being the most responsible and productive person- to being the most depressed and self loathing person. I think the worst part about it all is that I'm pushing everyone away. I have MAYBE 2 friends left. That sounds dramatic, I have acquaintances. But I feel like I only have 2 friends that I really hold dear and can open up to, but I'm pushing them away. And I want them to leave. I want to be alone. Here comes this guy who gives me all this attention and gentle love. I don’t know what to do with him. I want to push him away too. I’m resisting the urge. 

I scare myself. 

[thebitterlemon-tbl]

Post 2- Saturday 12:25Pm

I had a dream last night that someone starting following this page and I got so excited!! Then they commented SHUT THE FUCK UP! and I was like.... sounds about right and shut my laptop. 

What a weekend this is. I always tell my best friend MC (Mary Claire) that if you wake up early everyday, you’ll slowly start to manage your depression and anxiety. I live by this. My life started drastically changing when I trained my body to wake up early. You get the whole day! I have had a whole ass morning.

I have:

Taken a bath

eaten breakfast

had coffee

Gone grocery shopping

Washed my dishes from all the Thanksgiving cooking I did

unloaded those dishes

baked Jalapeño cornbread casserole

Wow, I never thought this life I have right now could be possible. A year and a half ago when I was starting therapy, I made a list of goals that I wanted to achieve for the year of 2019. I was living with my parents at the time after my old lease came to an abrupt end. I wasn’t kicked out or anything. My landlords wanted to move their mother in law into the mother in law suite I was renting. Why? Because the 45 year old wife decided to use her last frozen egg before it expired and IT TOOK! Can you believe? Those poor people. So, Living with my parents. My parents and I are not the same breed of human. Like I said, I'll make a post all about my family. While living with them, I wasn’t saving any of my money like I should have been. I got 2 tattoos and bought a lot of boots. I told my therapist that all I want in life is to live in a home alone and take care of myself. I don't want to stress for anything. I want to be able to manage my money. I want to be able to cook when I want. I want to be able to afford to get groceries to cook when I want. And here I am. I’ve achieved everything I set out to do in 2019. 

You know what's funny is that I almost took it all for granted. I was still so depressed and I couldn't figure out why. I was aware that I had everything I wanted but I was still missing something. It took me a long time to realize that what I was missing was love for myself. I’m still trying to love myself more every day and it’s not an overnight success story by any means. Small things like washing my clothes, making my bed, eating routine meals like breakfast lunch & dinner, paying my rent 2 weeks in advance, things like that. 

I am about to go to a Friendsgiving at my brother & sister in laws house for 1Pm. I really need this cornbread casserole to cook faster. Why didn't I start cooking earlier, UGH. I’ll have to hop off and get ready. I’m sure I'll post before I go to sleep. 

I can’t keep ending these things on deep thoughts, so I won't even try :) 

[thebitterlemon-tbl]

Post 1- The Ketchup (catch up, obviously)

If I had to describe myself as a person, I would not be that kind about it. That’s not to say that I’m a bad person. I think I can make bad decisions, every one can. I just think I'm really harsh on myself. I like it that way. If you don't keep yourself in check, who will? My personality has been called abrasive and reserved. It depends on my anxiety.

ANXIETY

what a word. The word itself is stressful. It’s hard to type. You really have to go grab that Z from the bottom on the keyboard. It’s just not natural for your fingers to stroke there gracefully. Which is ironic that it’s not natural, because the whole thing about having social anxiety is that you're trying to ACT NATURAL. I love to try and explain anxiety in analogies. Imagine if you're swimming and a shark comes along.... that’s anxiety. Imagine if you’re cooking and the water starts to boil over at the same time that the smoke alarm goes off..... that’s anxiety. Sometimes I don’t even need coffee, I just need social anxiety. I don’t know if I really even have overall anxiety, or just social. It’s all something I'm learning. I am constantly looking for the triggers. 

Here are the triggers that I've discovered so far:

Messy apartment

Me, disheveled and not put together

running late

moving slow- no sense of urgency

spending more than $100 somewhere, any where

blushing

people chewing loudly or any mouth sounds at all

confrontation

being caught off guard

I really wanted to round that off to an even 10 but I started to lose steam. It’s actually become quite fun for me to try and find out why I’m anxious. What the fuck made me this way? A couple of things have. Ive had some memories come back to me. I thought for a long time that I had a good childhood, but I was wrong. I blocked out a lot of what I was feeling. Mostly because I am not good at processing my feelings. I do the opposite and I shut down or immediately tell myself it’s not happening. It’s like if your parents fast forward through a sexy scene in a movie. You catch bits of flesh but it’s all so fast... you don't know really what’s happening. You just know it’s not something you’re allowed to see. It’s so weird how you revert back to the way you were feeling from a moment in time and then your body just unconsciously starts invoking those dark fight or flight responses involuntarily. Anytime I walk into a public building, like a coffee shop, theatre, anything where there’s a group of people i don't know- I look for the exits first. I have to know where my clear path is to run (walk quickly probably) out of. I need to find a sure shot, B-line pathway and plan exactly how I would get out. It’s the only way I can relax and really be present. I don’t think I’m ever really present though. My brain is never off. That’s why I like movies and tv. My brain can turn off. I said CAN not WILL. That’s the tricky part. 

The one thing I was blessed with is a sense of humor. I can be really funny. I’ve always wanted to act or do stand up. Maybe one day. Theres a new acting class that just opened up. The guy is from CA and seems nice. It’s $380 for 8 weeks... that's a steep price for me to sign up for without even knowing if my anxiety will let me do it. That’s what’ll always hold me back! Maybe starting this blog will help. 

So let me just quick fire tell you some more info about myself:

my 2 cats are named Doug and Noodle. Doug is 8 years old and Noodle is only 8 Months old. 

I thought my favorite color was purple and maybe it still is but lately I've really been thinking it’s green. Which is odd, I used to say I hated green.

I love poetry. I’m not a super pretentious nerd who's going to quote poets and know about all of them. I just appreciate beautifully crafted sentences that eloquently flow with silky words and smooth imagery. 

I love vegetables but I am not a vegetarian.

I used to smoke cigarettes for a long time and now I smoke the Juul. Been a year on the Juul and I haven’t gotten strep since I quit cigarettes.

I’m a workaholic. Greedy money grubber. But I work hard. 

I can sing very well but don’t know how to put together a melody and play no instruments so it’s just a useless talent. 

Im the youngest of 5!!! That's a wild ride. Maybe its own post.

I am a closet romantic. can’t let anyone see that side of me though.

I think astrology is fun! I like to know about people’s birth charts. I am a Capricorn Sun, Capricorn Rising, Moon in Virgo, and Venus in Pisces. 

I used to be really religious until around age 13 or so. I even went to a cult church. 

I am Type A. Clean freak. Perfectionist. 

I was an Adderal kid. Yikes.

That's a good head start for now! Don't know why I thought that would be easier. It was not rapid fire in the slightest. I guess that's what I feel like you need to know about me before I really start to get into it. Should I end every post with a deep thought like Carrie Bradshaw? Here goes...

Maybe I'm learning more about me too. Hope I like her!