theblackdolliasworld-blog - Tumblr blog

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Putting together my sacred meditation space. I told myself I needed to get back into meditation only because I know what it's like to over-think and let your mind get to you and how negative it can be. Changing you mindset is the only way to control it. Meditation is key to quiet the mind and heal. So far it has been quite difficult because I find myself tending to lose concentration by thinking random thoughts, but I know the more I do it the quieter my mind will be and the more at peace I will feel.

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

Nothing in my life is going right.😢

I don't where else to go or do when it comes to letting off somethings that have been weighing on my mind for awhile now. As cliche as it might sound to some of y'all I suffer from depression and lately within the past 2 years after my horrid break up it has become so much worse, because not only did I lose someone I loved for 11 years that didn't love me back in return, I lost my father that up an left 6 years ago prior to my break up, my mom and sister where forced to move far away from me, I lost people I thought were my dear friends due to the break up because my ex felt the need to trash talk me and make me out to be the villan, I lost my job of 3 in a half year of a lay off and haven't been able to find another job since.

I went back to school to better myself and get my shit together and get out of this depression state. Finally finished school and externship hours only to be hired on as a temp and let go for only working there for 5 months and now I'm back to square one, jobless, no source of income coming in to keep a roof over my head and food to eat.

I try and look on the brighter side of things and tell myself this current situation won't be permanent as I slowly try my damn hardest to get me out of this hell I seems to be stuck in and always be thrown back into no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try to do better for my life I get knocked back down over and over and has been that way what seems to be like my whole life. This is when I start to lose myself and sink further and further into darkness and I begin to give up and feel as if I'm a piece of shit that can't seem to get my life together and I'm about to turn 33 next month and I feel like a big fat failure that is cursed with failures and I will never amount to anything. All that hard work I put myself through snd what have I accomplished?......not a damn thing?! Maybe it's just me....maybe nothinf good in my life is supposed to stick.

I'm a very kind and generous person I always take care and worry about others then I do myself. I'm not happy unless the people I love and care about are. I want so badly to have my shit together, I do every thing right and what I'm supposed to do and yet I get nothing out of it. All my hard work, my sacrifice, my mental and physical well being. Yet I see people like my ex living a good life and is doing well and the kind of person I am is happy for him even after the shit he put me through I'm still happy for the asshole.

I can't help but tell myself "I want to be doing well and be okay too?" How come someone that done wrong to other's get to live a better life than me and not feel any ounce of guilt? Am I asking the wrong questions? "Idk?" Am I doing something about it? "OBVIOUSLY YES"!! Like I said before I am doing everything and anything and nothing good is sticking!! I can't help but think I'm cursed, like I can't be happy in this life, only in the next, if that is so then why the hell am I even alive?! These kinds of thoughts I have daily scare the living shit out of me! I joined a gym (thanks to my friend for hooking my broke ass up) thinking it would help get me out of my depression state and I still find myself not being able to get out of bed let alone leave the house.

Here I am still looking for a job and no luck (not surprised😒) putting myself in more stress thinking about my student loan payment due that is coming up, hooray! More things I have to pay! This is why I'm depressed and no longer want to live. I know others have it worse, but right now how my life situation is going.....I think it's safe to say I'm on that list of I have it worse.

I honestly don't know what to do or where to go and who to talk to? I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread that is going to break any time. What more can I do?! I really do feel like giving up, because obviously everything I'm doing is not working. I find myself crying more, even the littlest thing as spilling a little water on the floor makes me cry. Like "WHY IS SHIT ALWAYS HAPPENING TO ME?!" Type shit. You know it's bad when so much bad shit happens in your life and little thing will trigger you.

Having hope seems to be a lost cause for me. All I want is to be at peace and live comfortably and not have to worry about what's going to happen to me and where am I going to end end up?

Signed

Lost soul looking for a purpose.

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

Autumn aesthetic 🍁🍂🌰

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

As a Wiccan seeing the earth I worship fall apart in the hands of destructive humans is disappointing. In the words of Steve Irwin "We don't own the planet earth, we belong to it and we must share it with our wild life!"

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

We all gotta start somewhere. 💪

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

Universe tend to unfold as it should.🙏

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

When annoying people keep telling me "Mercury Retrograde is over"! I'm over here like.....

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

#ImASagittarius #True ♐

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

Growing up my mother always burned sage and now that I'm an adult I do the same. #witchfamily #sage #cleansethenegative #familyritual

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

Just like the moon, you are also shifting into your next phase. #blessedbe #witchyvibez #newmoon

🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

I don't know about y'all, but I'm ready for some cold weather. #summerneedstoend #readyforautumn #warmdrinks #lovelyfallclothes #blankets #bonfires #pumpkins #fuzzysocks

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

Hope you have a great day!! ❤#selflove #positivity #youreworthit #youdeservehappiness #tomorrowisanotherday

[theblackdolliasworld-blog]

Time to cleanse yourself with the blood of your enemies.....JK....or am I?😉 #EndOfMercuryRetrograde #blackmoon #PracticeSafeCraft #PracticalWitch