thebluepixel

[thebluepixel]

Cramp/pressure like headache 24/7

Vertigo

Almost daily migraines/attacks

Eye strain

Neck feels sore/strain/tense every day

Occassional visual disturbances (Flashes of specs)

Ear pressure and tinnitus and sometimes ear pain

Left arm feeling multiple things, weak and achy/numb in patchy places/ can feel uncoordinated

Left leg shooting pains

Sometimes affects right side too

Myoclonic jerks in both feet and legs, mostly noticed at night

I lose feeling in my arm so often now that it's normal to me

Fullness pressure feeling and pain, pain only applies for left side

Left side feels stiff/noticeably weaker, alot in wrist

Occasional nerve pain (unprovoked), seems to travel around my left side

When I have a migraine, above 2 become more intense, but dealable

Keep these symptoms in mind when I explain this.

I'm starting to feel really alone with my head issues/migraines, explaining it to someone is hard enough, I don't remember all my symptoms for the most part without taking 5 minutes to go through them, but I dont feel like I can tell anybody how truly disabling/agonizing this is.

I'm becoming irritable, moody because some days I just can't deal with it, I'm not vocal with this thankfully, but I can feel it building, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it back, I don't want people to talk to me in person, when I'm suffering, talking is hard, being any kind of social is hard, the worst part is people can't fathom it, they can't empathise with me, talking to people is literally hard for me and I don't mean the idea of being socially awkward, which I would say I am at this point in time due to covid, can you imagine having a headache/migraine every day of your life 24/7 and people start asking you questions? Or want you to be social? Pretending my life is okay?

It might seem like an exaggeration, but the pain gets in the way of my thoughts and I can't express things the way I want to, I have no life in me, I've expressed this to people multiple times and it feels so forgotten, futile even, so I just try my best every day and it's tiring, socialising is tiring on a whole new level than it normally is, I can't confide in anyone because it doesn't help me and it comes off as a moaner, in talks with my roommate, it gets brought down to depression and for a while, I believed it, I felt like I was a part of the problem, I was bringing myself down because of different factors other than my head and I can become happier by abolishing those things or changing that lifestyle.

I dont express my feelings well, I dont like talking about it, it hurts less if I don't acknowledge it, but I can't deny how big of a role this is currently playing in my life, I can't look at it like "it's mostly depression" because a huge fucking chunk of that depression revolves around my nerve issues.

If I have depression on a daily basis, scroll up and add all them fucking symptoms to the list.

I don't feel like I can "crawl" out of this depression, I feel constantly burnt out, chronic pain means chronic stress.

I just want to be alone and distance myself so on my good days I can pop out and be social and not burden friends/family.

I love my friends and I understand the help they give me, but I want establish based on the above information, that "getting me out the house" is a tough one to field, it actually provides the opposite effect depending on the day, if it's a bad day, I dont want to talk to anyone physically.

It sounds incredibly ungrateful to say that and I hate it, I hate myself for it, it upsets me, but if I don't then I will get the same advice. The same feelings that will continue to build.

Please know that my issue is complicated, very complicated and I appreciate all help given to me, but my issue is unconventional, some days are much worse than others I dont even know how to help myself, I just... deal with it. I have to.

I need help that I can't ask for.

There is no point complaining about it because "rest" does not make it better, typical solutions does not solve it, my answer to it is just carry on, just keep going, I try so hard for it to not ruin my life, I'm failing but I'm failing with style.

I find my issues very hard to talk about, I dont like talking about this, saying "migraine" for the 1000th time brings me no joy and I don't want to use it as a crutch for my mistakes, but I cannot deny what is happening to me right now and it is destroying me.

[thebluepixel]

Just an update...

Tablets didn't work, the above still applies. This year has probably been the most miserable year of my life because of my health, so I'll be glad to see the back of it.

I WILL get better next year, I will kick and scream until somebody tells me what is wrong with me. I will be living with 2 of my best mates in a few months, but I worry that I will become even more irritable due to more conversations taking place. I need to figure something out.

My health problems are starting to become infuriating to levels I dont usually like to tread into. I've had this headache problem for 10 months now and it's only becoming more frustrating as time goes on.

Imagine someone squeezing your head followed by high pitched tinnitus and neck strain ALL. THE FUCKING. TIME. Every day And, every waking moment I am alive and the only thing that helps is going to sleep when my nerves turn off. I'm on tablets but I'm still waiting for those to kick in if they even work.

I'm becoming so irritable that even just the presence of anyone around me frustrates me to no fault of their own. Thankfully I dont vocalise that very much, but it has started to seep out. Especially towards the end of the day when deeper conversations take place and I just don't have the capacity to be involved in the conversation anymore. I just don't want anyone to talk to me physically.

It's just so depressing. I want this to end. I want to be normal again.

[thebluepixel]

My health problems are starting to become infuriating to levels I dont usually like to tread into. I've had this headache problem for 10 months now and it's only becoming more frustrating as time goes on.

Imagine someone squeezing your head followed by high pitched tinnitus and neck strain ALL. THE FUCKING. TIME. Every day And, every waking moment I am alive and the only thing that helps is going to sleep when my nerves turn off. I'm on tablets but I'm still waiting for those to kick in if they even work.

I'm becoming so irritable that even just the presence of anyone around me frustrates me to no fault of their own. Thankfully I dont vocalise that very much, but it has started to seep out. Especially towards the end of the day when deeper conversations take place and I just don't have the capacity to be involved in the conversation anymore. I just don't want anyone to talk to me physically.

It's just so depressing. I want this to end. I want to be normal again.

[thebluepixel]

Played a game with a buddy last night and my head felt clear, usually I'm dealing with brain fuzz everytime I've attempted it because I was trying to help keep myself distracted and it was probably the most normal I've felt in a long time and it felt GOOD

[thebluepixel]

Just want to add, I haven't given up on myself, I fight to win, if whatever wrong with me wants to play the long game then it can have the battle, but I will win the war

Being alive is starting is getting so much harder for me lately, I have this bizarre complication with migraines and chronic headaches that explaining it would cause me to rupture a blood vessel, but here is a rundown:

- Had a migraine when I was younger which could be described as the worst migraine of my life, I had chronic headache after that episode, never went away

- Went to a neurologist who was basically like "Tbh, I have no idea what is wrong with you but probably a nerve thing and you don't need a scan because its not necessary lol you can either continue taking the tablets you told us dont work or you can have physical therapy you can't afford okay bye" and I have been living with the headache for 7/8 years

- Fast forward to after New years 2021 where I suddenly have a dizzy episode which gave me vertigo, tinnitus and chronic pressure migraines

-Fast forward to today where I now have weakness in my left arm and potential carpal tunnel because I've been doing repetitive hand movements to make my arm feel somewhat normal

- I've got all this going on and all I've had is a brain scan that told me I have a 1.4mm cyst that is common and is likely too small and not growing. And that's it.

I like to consider myself relentlessly positive, but things are just happening to me and I dont know why, the amount of pain I feel every day is completely random, I dont feel like I'm myself anymore, I've lost that energy that made me myself and I'm just a husk, I can never think straight, I feel like I'm deteriorating, I'd have bad migraine episode and all I can think is "If you're gonna kill me, just do it already" because the pain is so bad I have to convince myself nothing is going to happen to me, all I can do right now is distract myself from it and hope for the best, some days I do get a reprieve and symptoms are mild, but that's a single trashbag next to the garbage pile of shit I've got going on.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, I dont want to die, but it sure does make me feel that way sometimes.

[thebluepixel]

Being alive is starting is getting so much harder for me lately, I have this bizarre complication with migraines and chronic headaches that explaining it would cause me to rupture a blood vessel, but here is a rundown:

- Had a migraine when I was younger which could be described as the worst migraine of my life, I had chronic headache after that episode, never went away

- Went to a neurologist who was basically like "Tbh, I have no idea what is wrong with you but probably a nerve thing and you don't need a scan because its not necessary lol you can either continue taking the tablets you told us dont work or you can have physical therapy you can't afford okay bye" and I have been living with the headache for 7/8 years

- Fast forward to after New years 2021 where I suddenly have a dizzy episode which gave me vertigo, tinnitus and chronic pressure migraines

-Fast forward to today where I now have weakness in my left arm and potential carpal tunnel because I've been doing repetitive hand movements to make my arm feel somewhat normal

- I've got all this going on and all I've had is a brain scan that told me I have a 1.4mm cyst that is common and is likely too small and not growing. And that's it.

I like to consider myself relentlessly positive, but things are just happening to me and I dont know why, the amount of pain I feel every day is completely random, I dont feel like I'm myself anymore, I've lost that energy that made me myself and I'm just a husk, I can never think straight, I feel like I'm deteriorating, I'd have bad migraine episode and all I can think is "If you're gonna kill me, just do it already" because the pain is so bad I have to convince myself nothing is going to happen to me, all I can do right now is distract myself from it and hope for the best, some days I do get a reprieve and symptoms are mild, but that's a single trashbag next to the garbage pile of shit I've got going on.

I'm not going to do anything stupid, I dont want to die, but it sure does make me feel that way sometimes.

[thebluepixel]

Change

Lately, I’ve had this massive issue with my self image and what people think of me, I keep wanting to change myself to look like a different person, I want to leaving my younger self behind abit, I would look at myself in the mirror on different days and depending on the day I would either think I look okay at best and others childish + ugly looking, I’ve been begging myself for a haircut, but I keep thinking nothing suits me and I panic thinking I will look worse off.

Also I’m not sure if it’s the isolation, but I’ve been feeling like nobody (bar family) really cares about me, I’m just the guy who does stupid shit so I’m treated like I’m stupid in return when all I’m doing is livening things up abit, I have no reason or evidence to suggest this, but my brain keeps messing with me and it’s not an insult to those who do care about me, but I haven’t been feeling great for a while now, I’m struggling to change, all I’m doing is getting better at putting on masks and it annoying me more and more.

[thebluepixel]

Slow down

Just a gentle reminder to myself that I put too much pressure on myself to be funny most of the time and I don’t have to.

- I sometimes make jokes that don’t make sense or flat-out have no meaning, just to clarify, sometimes those jokes are just for me, it’s an internal joke that comes out externally and it ends up being confusing for everyone but me, they are usually by accident as I didn’t think clearly. I think it’s because a part of me thinks they would have found it funny... if it made sense, but I also can’t explain it. To sum up, it’s a brain misfire.

- I also make jokes to decrease tension or lighten a mood, I wanna see my friends happy and laughing, I always have, in my head it makes me think “Why wouldn’t anyone want that?”, when I’m happy, I laugh harder and tell dumber jokes, but I end up looking like much more of a goofball than I intended it to be and it makes me feel like sometimes I either can’t be taken seriously or how serious I am comes into question.

- And lastly, I make jokes because I feel like that’s all I can bring to the table, I feel like I have to be the funny likeable one otherwise I feel I don’t have anything else going for me. 

I’ve been slowly trying to piece my life together. Life isn’t a constant joke. I can be better than that, just slow down a little and think before you say things, you have more time than you think. Some things are funnier when you’re not trying.

[thebluepixel]

I keep seeing alot of posts about how 6 people have died from vaping, 2 of my best mates have been vaping for years with no issues, to a further point, this has only been happening in the US so at this point, I'm inclined to believe that the problem is with the quality of the products they are selling.

Is the vape faulty?

What's in the juice?

Are the materials being replaced every couple of months?

I just think this is borderline scaremongering for a product that is a flat out better alternative to smoking. I actually dont vape myself, I dont really smoke, but still this is dumb.