thebottomoftheapple

[thebottomoftheapple]

LMAO Here We Goooo

The annual New Year/rock bottom post. Yes! Once again, I’m feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed with overall life. It’s really crazy how much can happen in a year (lmao I’m thinking about where I was almost year ago when I wrote last year’s post 😭😭😭) I was so sad and scared last year, the world was literally so different smh. Scared about finding a job, moving away from home to something very new, no certainty, but it was really just that lonesome feeling :(. This year, still lots of lonesomeness lol but now it’s managing life, there’s so much to do but I can’t start/get far because I don’t know where to start, it all just stresses me or makes me anxious.

Writing it out, it seems so..... basic and generic *sigh* I just need to breathe, try to calm down, get through the night and tomorrow, we’ll knock out the highest priorities. So once again, writing proves to be beneficial..... I feel like I hit a point in my life where I reallyyyyy need some beneficial habits and routines because like I’m spiraling slowly but surely. So I need to start some sooner rather than later and ofc, that’s stressing me too lmao imma do it tho.

First thing - let me do this right now actually - write down everything I need to do.

Aight, done lol it’s not toooo bad. See it’s really my job that’s overwhelming me. I think I need to share that with Chad one of these days. Anyways, work! I have a salary job lol at Resolve, very full circle. It was cool in the beginning, ofc annoying at times but manageable. The last couple months though, I’ve felt very unprepared and anxious and just wanted to get passed it, which is not how it should be butttttt it is that time of year 🥴🥴🥴 where I always end up feeling something like this. So I think I just need to get back in the groove with better habits ofc. 

ahhhh ok let’s talk about 💘💘💘 lol I like Milton, we’re still here yes after some much needed downtime. We’re good now, besides the distance, which is definitely not getting easier. He’s coming to stay a month with me soooon, and that’s gonna be so nice but I hope it doesn’t distract me from work like last time kinda. And I hope it’s not super busy, where I barely have time for him, like last time. If all goes well though, I have to make him my boyfriend like yes it’s insane but like?? How I feel/what I’d like it just makes sense.

A series of unfortunate events have led us to where I am but we’re not going to acknowledge them here bc they’re done and over with, and we don't need to dwell on that bc there are so many fortunate moments and blessings around them and within them! 

Soooo grateful for my family, friends, job, home, health, bank account, all these small luxuries. @ the Universe, please protect them all. ♥️♥️♥️ Now I’m going to try meditating and/or reading :) 

Goodnight 💫

Soundtrack: Family For - Chance & Jeremih

[thebottomoftheapple]

I used to pray for times like this!!!

No matter ????

[thebottomoftheapple]

Hello Again

Yes, it’s been over a year again.

I’m not going to stress myself but I do really want to write more. I feel like when I wrote more consistently, I was happier, overall. Or maybe I’m just really sad right now and have been for a while but it’s all just coming out now. I haven’t really cried like this honestly since maybe when I graduated, which I didn’t think was that bad. A few months earlier I think I cried even more when my “London Boyfriend” broke up with me (IDR if i ever mentioned him before but it’s too irrelevant at this point so). ANYWAY yes there’s a new boy involved too but I’m not sad because of him...I think..but i do think he brought out all of this.. or maybe he’s just the last person I wad with and everything’s finally catching up to me (We’ll talk about him later).

So I’m finally going to Atlanta. But let’s recap the last year first.

(I haven’t read my last post bc I cannot rn) Last year I was still freelancing at NowThis and was planning on leaving to ATL in the spring/summer... but then they offered me a full time job and I took it. I wouldn’t say I regret it because I did learn a lot and saved a good amount of money. But i would say it attributed to this stagnant discontent-ness that I’ve been masking by going on vacations, getting drinks and going out with friends, and talking to Milton. I haven’t fully felt like myself in a while and it sucks because I feel like I’ve personally regressed. Like being abroad, my summer in ATL and I suppose graduating were great high points for me. I was excited, eager, and for the most part fulfilled. Obviously, life wasn’t perfect back then but ever since being back home I feel like I’ve been pretending to be all those things I used to be.. with distractions. But now I’m FINALLY changing things up and doing what I think is best for me.. and I’m scared. It’s not just the fact that I’m leaving all my friends and family behind (which is much bigger than I thought it was), it’s also the fear of failure, of making the wrong choice, of making a good choice for right now but maybe not for the long term. I’m scared. Of being alone, of making mistakes. But I’m also excited (lol 😭) to just go. The sadness really hits when I’m up alone all night, like I literally feel helpless cause I’ve been doing this for too long. But hopefully this will go away once I get down there and I pray they’ll have work for me much sooner rather than later once I’m there. But because I have some family there it shouldn’t be too bad, right? I think I am really excited though, eager to start - yeah it’s the uncertainty too that’s wearing down on me. Once I start that first gig, I know everything will be sweet. I just have to be patient *sigh* but also fill up my time somehow. 🙄

Sooooo I guess I can go into Milton now... yes, that Milton 😂. It’s really crazy because I’m still unsure on how I exactly I feel, but I know I do really care about him. So it started when I went up to cuse for Mayfest weekend. Basically he invited me over to smoke and I was off the molly lmao so I was chattin’ about everything and anything when I was with him. He subtly tried to make moves but I was dismissing them because it’s Milton... and what happened early... But then he kissed me and I liked it and the rest is history... LOLJK but we’ve been talking since (I’ve concluded I only like to guys who don’t live near me bc......). In the beginning it was fun, good sex, and someone nice to talk to and if I’m being honest I never really saw him as someone I’d want to be with seriously, partially for shallow reasons but also we spent like a whole week together and by the end of it I felt like we were an old married couple, like we loved each other but didn’t like each other. And i thought I shouldn’t feel like this with someone I’m not even in a relationship with... but this weekend kinda felt like that again. Like I was cleaning up like I was his wife and he was just watching tv. But this time it felt a little more right, normal? Maybe I keep getting these inklings because they’re tapping into the future? or past? In another dimension?I don’t know, it’s weird. But he really opened up to me more than he has before (which has been a lot!) And I just tried to console him you know, but then I started crying in the middle of the night..... and after he left, I cried when he facetimed me, and I cried some more after I hung up. And I’m tearing up thinking about it now (UGH). But yeah now I really don’t know how to feel about him, since I’m leaving. It’ll probably be like how it was with every other boy, sad for a bit but then I’ll meet someone knew and pretty much forget about them. Or maybe we’ll get married in 10 years, who knows. I want to get a tarot card reading done (lmao that’s a random sidetrack). No but he’s actually really great like from all the boys I’ve talked to, he’s been the most genuine and that’s something I’ve always wanted and whether it’s with me or not, I truly do wish him the best in the future.

And so speaking of this weekend, I had my goodbye party 😂It wasn’t what I pictured it to be like but I still think it was successful. The whole thing went by super quick for me because I was too busy making sure everything was going right: with the decorations, and the food, and DJ, and pictures, and money and wristbands, and just making sure everyone was having a good time. I was def overwhelmed but I think everyone had a good time. I got lit and had fun so that’s all I could ask for (except for it being cheaper ughhhhh but whatever it’s over now, I’m never doing that again until I’m big ballin’ then YES). Turnout could’ve been a little better toooo lol but I think that sums up how many and who really fucks with me so it’s fitting 😌My squadrin got me an amazingggg care package with polaroids, snacks, other things I love, and handwritten letters 😢, which I haven brought myself to read yet. But they are so amazing, literally the best people ever, all things considered, they are the best! And then I spent the next couple nights with Milton, where he gave me a super sweet gift as well! A gopro type of camera, ugh he’s so sweet. 

And now the party and party planning is over and there’s nothing left but to leave (and Max & Nat’s Bday party). So I’m here, home alone, sad lmao and i hit my fucked up nail again and now it’s hanging on for dear life and IDK what to do, I’m so upsetttttt lmaooo this would happen to me, Karen put this omen on me smh. ANYWAY I’m glad I decided to write again. I do feel better, just like I did before. I want to continue writing, maybe monthly. And to help me do this I’m going to set monthly goal(s). For January I’ll be lite:

Throw my going away party (done lol)

Drive down to Tio Edwin’s house

Work on my first of many projects in ATL

I’ll let you know how everything goes next month! (or sooner 😉)

- XOXO KIKIPALMTREE

[thebottomoftheapple]

The Comeback Kid

HELLO... It’s.Been.AGES.

I owe myself a hugeeee apology for not writing since mid 2017. The Year is now 2019 WOW. Kinda unreal, kinda exciting since welp 2018 was nottttt itttttt. BUT before we go let me recap– as much as I can– of where I left off.

Shortly after my last post (finishing off junior year) I went to Altanta (Suwanne) to stay with Tio Edwin + family WHILE I interned with Resolve Media Group ❤️❤️and it was honestly one of the most amazing yet ordinary taste of adulthood to this day! I first work on the LifeTime movie (Oscar Pistorious) for the first month which was a great learning experience and met some great people. After that, I worked more at Resolve and the amazing Chad, Will, and even Mac. And ofc Jay and Summer! I was an Office PA, Overall Set PA, and Art PA. And honestly though the hours were sometimes unbearably long, I was happy! I was in a grove, I enjoyed getting up and going to working and driving hours through Atlanta traffic everyday. I’m pretty sure I was at my lowest weight at the end of that summer and tan(ish) ugh I miss it a lot. BUT, God willing, I may be back there soon enough, doing what I love! Ahh and after I came back to NY, I went right to another one of my favorite places LONDON💙💙 

London and abroad was something else and there’s no way I could write it all down but the best and worst of those memories I’ll never forget. From LIVING in a London flat to seeing my Dad in Barcelona, running away from the Florence police, looking for my phone off the train tracks of Italian campos, trying my first (and still only) gyro in Greece, birthday peeing in the streets of Budapest, living one of my absolute favorite fairytale lives in Amsterdam, and playing house and thinking I found the love of my life off a foreign tindr swipe 😂. Abroad was truly an amazing experience and I can’t wait to (because I definitely will!) go back for more adventures!

I came back to NY at the end of 2017... with a boyfriend lmao. Well at the time I would have been soooo gee and happy, I really thought I was part of that statistic of people who come back from abroad in a long distance relationship lol.... and then eventually go back and live happily ever after. But nope that didn’t happen but absolutely for the best. But i was really happy and you could tell, I just felt lighter and less mentally/emotionally strained like I had been with previous lovers. WHICH!! is so bad because I feel like that means I put too much emphasis on having romantic relationships in my life. But I think the switch was so different because I had been dealing with BS for so long... Nabil treated me better than anyone, spoiled me tbh, but also gave me more attention and affection than anyone had before... definitely the funnest sex lol, humor, music, and real conversation about real things... which also turned out to be the core of why he was definitely not the one aha... But back to emphasizing relationship, that’s really evident now especially because I haven’t dealt with anyone for almost a year but if I’m being honest it’s actually like 6 months (the devil never stops working haha), which is still long for me and honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way because my life right now has no room for any of that–literally. So that’s been fine... that was a secondary concern, ya know a lil heartbreak but a lot of more lessons learned about myself. And now I’m so used to not dealing with anything of that nature all together that it’s definitely not a priority coming into 2019. (OFC I get in my bag sometimes, think about an old ting, but none of that was ever going to be what I wanted it to)

Thank U, Next! lol no but to get into my biggest concerns this past year, has been about me. Specifically my future/career and what steps to take because now I absolutely have control on what’s next. Oh yeah I graduated college btw, which is the reason why I was (am) so lost because it’s not school! I mean it could be, but I really don’t think it’s necessary. That weighed on me heavy throughout the summer because I did eventually get an internship at NowThis Media, which is where I’m still freelancing at now, but I knew that wasn’t what I wanted to be doing long-term. Lmao yet here I am 🤦‍♀️but no honestly it’s not terrible, it’s great experience/for my resume and money is good enough for someone saving and not paying real bills rn (shoutout to my amazing mother 😭). I have a better plan now but things could change maybe if the position/MONEY is right but we’ll see. The plan is to go back to Atlanta, stay with family again, and see if it’s possible to do what I love and make a living out of it and officially move there. And to do that by the summer I need to start planning now but I’m trying to time everything out. SO there’s that.. I’m praying for the best 🙏🙏🙏

Last but not least, ME, mentally, physically, spiritually ME. Honestly coming out of the great year that was 2017 I thought I was on such a great path and I was but things happen aha... it wasn’t until after graduation that I started to get really sad because of of the whole ‘what am I going to do/what’s my calling’ but I thought it was pretty normal because it is for a lot of people. But I underestimated that sadness because it definitely got worse going into the Fall. I mean not 100% unbearable sadness like 2015 💆Thank God. But I had my moments, like just feeling lost and out of place, not enjoying my daily routine (inc. work, social media), car L’s of course 🙄, friendship tribulations, and just unfortunate events that have messed with my spirit and energy. 

BUT! definitely some good outcomes... health wise: I joined a gym! and have gone at least 1-4 times a week ever since so that’s really good. An interesting/sus older man once told me to invest in yourself and I def have lol. Started being in control/paying for more ‘big girl things’ you could say. Learned to leave some things alone that needed to be left. Got closer to some of the more important people in my life. Went out a little more I think, which is deb(t)atably a good thing. A lots more reflection, which I think is where I’ve been lacking because I stopped writing and sorta lost a little sense of self. And I think I did embark on the self-love journey and work on my confidence and speaking up but I think I approached that as my main issues. And yes those are some but I believe I overlooked some other character issues. I was too focused on speaking up and being more out there but sometimes that gets me into worse situations. Sure, I need to speak out more but also I need to be more mindful about what I say and also about what and how much I share with people who are honestly not good for me and my inner peace. It’s a hard balance but that is something I’ll be tackling from now on. And learning it’s ok! to remove myself and not explain doing things that are good for me ( but also knowing when to let go of my pride sometimes). It’s all a balance that I have yet to master but I at least I am aware of it now. Following my gut and making sure internally that I’m good will be a good goal for the year. 

So I guess I’m into goals now 🤗

- Use social media less, way less! I really think this is the source of some of my lost feeling because of the undeniable idea of comparison and blah blah but yeah I feel like I could be doing much more healthier things like reading again!

- Keep up my gym life, and try to do better when it comes to eating too.

-Really try out this Atlanta thing because it’s honestly very accessible and worth the try especially at 22, this is my time to following my dreams and take risks and be afraid but also be brave because my happiness short-term/long-term actually depends on it!

- The last big thing is really that inner peace thing, trusting my gut, being a better me and not something that isn’t me. Addressing my ‘toxicity’ and flaws to be a happier and healthier spirit. 

- Oh and go out less meaning like lituations because honestly clubs, lounges, party functions are really not for me and I’ve accepted that but I think once I  get my life together I will easily avoid those situations bc the fomo/desire to be with the people I care for really be putting me in situations I don’t enjoy lmao wasting so much money, when I can be with them and have fun in actually fun events. 

- And write more duh!

Okay 🙂I think this post is long enough. A good ‘last time in Kiara’s life’ recap of the last ~18months. This is a good start to getting back to a healthier but even better me. I should also start writing down and keeping track of some of my goals. Hopefully through writing here but regardless still writing because I do believe this is a worthwhile, therapeutic outlet. 

SO HERE’S TO 2019 🥂

A prosperous and happy life-changing year! I know big things things are coming. Having patience and facing my fears are really my determining factors of what the year will bring but I know can overcome them. 

Until next time, which will be soon I promise!

[thebottomoftheapple]

I am

A literal piece of shit for not writing in over a year

[thebottomoftheapple]

Can’t sleep so...

you know what time it is … (4:35AM)

Time to write.

I’m officially a senior. Wow. lmaoooo how?? idk

Well academically I def took multiple major Ls but tbh I’m not even affected by it anymore (jk i def almost cried when one mf dead came at my life wow). It’s fine. GPA dead doesn’t matter, experience is 🔑, which brings me to my next announcement. I got an internship in Atlanta!! (I def found out in January though lol) Yay! The company does pretty lit shit but they have no type of social media presence which is kinda sus but they def exist so it’s ok lmao. But yeah, hopefully it’s a good learning experience, if not umm I’m def getting my neo to pmo to her brother so her can pmo to a job cause he be schlittyyyy in ATL doing things in my field so I’m excited for that. I didn’t get a scholarship though (womp womp) 🙄 so I’ll be staying with Tio edwin, which sucks cause it’s not my own place and it’s highkey mad deep from the actual city and my internship but whatever it’s free plus home-cooked meals so I’ll be aight. Also I’m driving down there the first weekend of June but ?? how exactly 🙃 Something I’ll figure out later. Hennyways, to rewind a little, yes I have neos now, which is cool I guess. They def make me feel washed but they also take the pressure off me and my line so *shrug* I like them. They also might be the last ones yikes… we’ll see. What else has happened this semester… squad was def beefing but we’re good. I dead love them like that’s definitely family even though they do get me tight sometimes 💚 I got closer to my UG herms (reasons why squad was beefing tbh lmao) We (plus friends) went to Miami, my first real spring break trip, and it was def memorable to say the least lol. I can’t wait to go with squad (plus friends) next year 😩😩 wow I can’t believe this is almost over, like for real. As much as I’ve grown to despise Syracuse, I definitely can’t picture life without it, life after it, which is so sad lmao but everything good must come to an end. In the meantime, I just have to make the most out of this year coming up.

Speaking of….. besides summer in ATL, which is gonna be very different and rewarding hopefully (eh heh get this offer you shnooww) I’m def gonna have OD city FOMO 😭 Especially bc of how lit I was last year (RIP neo summer 😪) ((Also a bitch needs to get fit down there) Also i hope I get a job too bc wtf a bitch needs money forrrrr) ABROAD! Haannn, London Fall 2017 lit! I leave August 28th and come back in December so that’s going to be crazy, very excited for that and our “black london” group seems lit af so it’s definitely going to be an amazing experience 😭😭 And after that I come back for my last semester of college at CUSE *more tears* but if my schedules works out, I’m def going to be dumb lit to end off my college career > Alright let’s not think about that anymore. 

**Also I will be living in a house for the first time ever that semester^^ so that’s exciting**

Back to today - I went to Black Graduation today and it was actually really nice, I def almost teared up smh. My dad, katy, and linesissys are leaving me 😭😭😭 (I’m leaving too kinda but still I’m gonna come back to the chappy like omg 😫) And I packed up most of my room (currently sitting in it now in the dark) and I def a nostalgic moment of when I first moved in here 😭😭 wow I hate how much of a sentimental bitch I am lmaoo. But yeah wow life is really flying by and I still feel like a little kid (pretending to be grown) 

I haven’t reflected on here in a while (what is new) but yeah I’ve been lowkey mad emotional these last couple months (tbh all semester). Mainly about the relationships I have with people. I can’t please everyone and I definitely experienced that first hand this semester. I need to learn how to say “no” more often (which I kinda have but I don’t want ppl to think I’m a selfish bitch 😩 but it’s necessary) I also need to get back to being more personable, that’s prolly not the word I’m looking for, but yeah I dead be a dry ass bitch to people I shouldn’t be but a lot of that was due to the immense amount of stress and beef that I had going on lol but still I suck 😐 But it’s gotten better so that’s all that matters. 

Speaking of being a dry ass bitch ummmm lol no new P in sight 🙂 Awesome. (no old P either hahaha🙂🙂)  lmao but na deadass I’m dead popping. My hair flourishing (thank you biotin) , my skin fluctuates (also thanks biotin) but when it’s good, it’s GOOD (knock on fucking wood bc it’s good rn) A bitch bout to get this chicken, too 👏🏽 (lmao hopefully) I just need to drop a couple pounds, do some dead lifts and I’m lit forever. No but deadass, just eat my butt and talk to me nice.. it’s not that hard.. but everyone here ain’t shit so *shrug* my(his) time will come 😊

Alright it’s not 5:48, it’s still pouring, the sun is coming up, and I have to be up at 8 for Max’ graduation sooooo goodnight! HOPEfully I write again soon.

- Keeks

*Soundtrack: Every Frank Ocean song on my phone lmao

[thebottomoftheapple]

lmao yikes wrong blog^

Bitchhhhhhhh I need to write asap

[thebottomoftheapple]

*** Prepare for a hurt ass post smh***

Wow everything I just felt is gone lmao wow, what’s really good with me, actually it’s probably better this way. More direct**

ANYWAYS. Mark today 12/17/16 the end of this fucking Kemet stage in my life. I’m 100% over it, over him, over myself. Starting back in January 2015 but more precise 3/26/15. The day is basically started. Fuck that day lmao....... Let me relax. I don’t regret any of it happening. Though it was less than 2 years ago it deadass feels so long ago. It felt like we were kids, and we’re not those kids anymore, haven;t been for a long time and will never will be again. (Wow this is so dramatic and far gone why tf am I like this) ANYWAY the point is I don’t regret it, you know. It was great, when it was great but when it wasn’t anymore, WOW it really wasn’t and it never got better but I couldn’t see that for a long time. It took me so long just to be ok. And then I got okay. (Obviously not completely lmao but still) These past few months have been good bc we didn’t speak ( bet, lmao) and whenever something will remind me of a good thing, I’ll remember some fuck shit you’ve told me and then be alright :). ( I was always making excuses for you wow hah stupid) Anyway, I don’t even think I regret falling in love with you. I’m mad that I did and you didn’t lmao but because you were smart enough to protect yourself (good job, dickhead) But that’s probably because you’ve been hurt before, like this. 

I think that’s the worst thing I’ve taken from it all. Never do I want to let a man ever be able to, basically, destroy me again. But that comes with walls. I don’t like walls, I don’t want them. Kemet had walls. But he’s aight. (is he rlly doe) No he is but I also think he limited himself when it came to me (could’ve been smart, could’ve not) ((I mean I think I’m fucking great, so obvi Im biased and think he was stupid and missed out on a treasure LMAO)) But yeah I don’t want to limit how far my relationships reach, put a cap on like or love. I’ve definitely written about this before so I’ll digress. (smh)

But yeah the point of this. Well I just got off the phone with you (an annoying, useless, one like ALWAYS yoo) I asked if you wanted to fuck with me again and ofc, “what are you talking about”, my mistake for thinking you would ever want our thing back (NO SARCASM I’m deadass ed but you’re so flip floppy WOWWWWW. but still shouldve known better by now) ((it’s that fucking little bit of hope man, fts) but what I really said was “I don’t think we’re really friends (therefore we should stop trying)” and OFC you say some shit like “c’mon, I’m not really invested so..” LMAO fuck you, these are exactly the same type of comments you’ve been telling me forever but I disregard bc of some other thing you would say or do (stupid) + that hope.

Fuck that little bit of hope (lol back to the point). I’m finally cutting it out of my life. We’ll never be like what we once were, we’ll never ever be together. So I’m cutting off the ties. Number (fake) unsaved, muted on twitter, deleted accounts on my laptop, the few pictures I have - gone. A part of that hope was the continuation of our “friendship” but like I just told you on the phone, that “friendship” isn’t real. (what? hyu once or twice a month, do nothing, kiss? wtf is that, front like you don’t want to have sex, c’mon broooooo weak ass front foh, wow I never explored this but I think you deadass think I’m stupid lmaooofohhh but you were right, I was for a long time but--- back to the point) And of course, “you didn’t understand” or cared to so whatever. I said I’ll make the decision. You agreed and told you to lyk. Welp, this me letting you by not letting you know. Because you’ll never see this so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (that little bit of hope used to think that maybe I’ll read you these one day) but shaggs, that’s never gonna happen bc that situation will never arise. We’ll never be anything, real friends, nada so...

This is it. Last time I casually contact you, check up on you, cry over it. 

*OFC, I will always care for you, wish you nothing but great things, and I’ll always be there blahblahblah love is love always, but if you really want it you, care for it, you’ll find me*

Goodbye Kemet H. High

//Soundtrack: Entirety of Blond - Frank Ocean//

[thebottomoftheapple]

Nigga said ass water

[thebottomoftheapple]

My head weighs 1000000000lbs

**disclaimer i am high**

I just watch the latest episode of Insecure and wow i dead ass peeped everything in the story, like details, like beats. wow bless Frahm he actually taught me stuff. Maybe I am in the right field. 

that shit I like-----”disco” ----- it’s 80s RnB broooooooo shit is fuegs wow

Anyway the episode involved her nigga situation. Lawrence is dead a dub wow and she know it too and sh tryna leave him but you know how love be (makes you dumb). Anyway It made me think about real life and that’s really how it be. The nigga who’s gonna stick around and deadass love you is the one who has nothing going for them. They’re complacent, or satisfied, or indifferent about everything else in their life therefore they have nothing distracting them from you. All their energy goes into you. Until theyre used to you, now you’re just like everything else that goes on in their life(^) Wow. So it’s a DUB. And the guy who has everything going for them, who is motivated and passionate and goes after all these opportunities. They’re the ones who are too busy for you. They can’t fully give you their all, all their love, all their time. It’s like competition. Therefore it’s a dub too WOW. We literally want it all. That’s crazy. It deadass might be impossible.----

*

my formula: love + goals = my “person” wow

*

----WOW that’s ridiculous. That’s actually so unfortunate.... “not worried about you”.... 

My head is heavy again\lmaooo that’s not deep in any way, I mean literal lbs heavy (type shit). That might be it, sorry.

THAT MAN UGH STILL___________ whatever

I hate when you listen to a song you thought was fire, while high and it’s dead not that hot. Dumb.

Post Soundtrack:

- Heartbreaks+Setbacks - Thundercat

- Encore - Cheryl Lynn

[thebottomoftheapple]

I should be asleep bc I have a job interview in a few hours but here I am, up caught up in some feelings (lmao shocking). Maaaaaaannnnn I’ve been fake thirsty lately, on some joking shit to my friends but like could I lowkey be deadass? Potentially. I don’t want a relationship (rn) and I’m not really tryna talk to anybody becauseeeee let’s be honest, I’m me. I’m finna be real disappointed real quick. I’m def. not trying to just mess with anyone. So wtf am I really talking about, son? Honestly, I’m probably just trying to find a way to get over this kid, or convince myself that I’m boolin’ just fine without him. And I am, like actually, but idk man. Maybe it’s because it’s 4AM and i’ve been home all day for the first time in a little bit but I dead miss this nigga. Wow, especially since my ex hit me up like WOW. Unfortunately, I think I must classify it as love, whether it’s one-sided, unrequited, or me just tweaking but na I can’t describe what I’ve done, felt, and continued to do any other way. How tragic haha; what goes around comes around and I def. got mine. 

But we’ve stopped talking and I’m sure it’s gonna be like this all summer. Which I get because I needa chill, he’s doing him and he’s definitely letting me know wassup by not lol. I’m good though, not nearly as bad as I was before. But I’ll have my moments.. like just now. I’ve said this a million times in my head before but now I can actually feel it to be true. If we never really speak again, I’ll def feel some type of way lmao but I mean true colors always shine through eventually so if that’s what he wants who am I to try to change it (..OH right ME like 6 months ago smh) I’m not trying to be the one to reach out next semester because that’s always been me and I’m obviously the more invested one so na, it can’t be me. Seeing as he’s stubborn af and has his idgaf attitude I doubt he’ll reach out first. And hopefully my pride will get the best of me (which I’ve worked so hard to undo for so long btw smh) and stop me from caving.

BUT say, somehow, we do end up seeing each other I gotta tell him that I can’t do “nothing” anymore. I deadass love this kid, in more ways than one, which sucks because I know it’s not mutual and never will be, which I knew a long time ago but just couldn’t accept, but here I am over a year and a half later still thinking about the same nigga. (**listening to Opposites Attract is not fucking helping rn - my fav part-- always gives me chills) But man I gotta love me more, I do, I have to. Yeah I’m not tryna be in a relationship right now but i feel like those feelings will change sooner or later and this? This won’t ever turn into that, you’ve made that clear since the beginning. But even for right now, I deserve more, I deserve better. I’m fucking poppin’, wth falling in love with yourself is a long journey but I’ve come so far. Reflection is fucking key and I’ve learned that I love learning about myself. I love seeing myself grow, being tested, failing, fucking up, but never discouraged (for long at least(I’ve written about this before)). But yeah I’m lit, I deserve affection, attention, someone as down for me as I am for them, who will let me know through words or actions. When I fuck with people, truly, it’s always heavy.. man I don’t know any other way to do it. I know you’ve never fully embraced the feelings you had for me for reasons X Y and Z (I can guess lol) but damn that sucks, for the both of us. Yes, for you too, cause I’m me *flips hair emoji*. And you’re you *rolls eyes cause yeah I fell for you or whatever..* lol. Could of been that cute artsy duo that’s weird but lit af and dgaf what anyone says, that’s how Andre describes us like lmao. But alas you’ve decided what this was gonna be a while ago and I fought against that for so long. But here I am finally fucking letting go. If it once was love, it’ll always be love so whatever you need, I’m always gonna be here, and I’ve told you this many times. But I gotta let you know I’m not gonna halfass something we once had, something so stagnant and unremarkable in your eyes. Not anymore. And hey, maybe you’ll feel differently, maybe not then and there but maybe you’ll make an effort later on, “embrace an us”. But knowing you.. that’s probably just wishful thinking. I wish you weren’t as guarded. Cause so am I.. was... but damn I realized my heart was way too big to hold anything back a long time ago and I’m never living like that again, and I deserve the same in return.  *CUE THE END OF DONALD’S “NOT GOING BACK”*

lol damn now I need to listen to that EP

Also I’m in a sorority now lmaoo ( will probs explain in future post)

Also..........nvm

[thebottomoftheapple]

ayyaeyae i can’t even stomach reading my last post right now... Just know I’m in a better place now but I’m not quite ready to write it all down just yet.

[thebottomoftheapple]

I’m actually exhausted and I need to fucking let go of it, of everything, of the past because it doesn't even exist at this point. The person I once knew no longer exists and probably never even did. It really fucking sucks to know that something, someone who was a great part of your life was basically bullshit. I’m  actually putting in effort lol look at me and it’s deadass not reciprocated or knowledged, fantastic. I’m ready to be done. All this time I’ve been telling myself, “you’re not a bad person”, “it was just fucked up timing/situation”, “maybe one day.....”, but no maybe you're not so great, maybe you’re too stubborn, too selfish, too careless for me to be in your life. Maybe all the bullshit that happened was meant to end everything now before..? And maybe that one day will never come and shouldn’t. The person I fell for isn’t here anymore because that person wouldn’t act this way. I’m ready to let it all go. Released from the possession of all the memories I once had with you and forget them like daydreams. No more trying to be friendly, no more wanting to have sex, no more hitting up first. It’s all on you now. 

But you can never say that I fucked up, that I changed, that I was the one who gave up. I just finally fucking realized what’s good.

[thebottomoftheapple]

Before I am girl, I am a writer

[thebottomoftheapple]

A blank.

Of course I knew this would happen. Finally being able to write down my thoughts and blanking on where they begin and end. I haven’t stopped thinking, each idea manifests into another, forever evolving. 

Hmm, maybe I can catch you up on where I left off (Africa post). But I won’t go into detail because things are different now, no need to revisit these memories, I already do that way too often. Well Africa didn’t go exactly as I hoped for, internship wise; however, I am thankful for every second of it. Jeat and Aaryn and two amazing women who I’ll never forget; it’s a shame I haven’t stayed in touch. But Jeat knew... I hope Aaryn has a beautiful wedding and marriage and I hope Jeat enjoys the rest of her educations and if it’s meant to be: change her path. 

The Summer back home was honestly amazing, best I ever had. I got my license, drove to Cuse and back without help or permission (ha). Rosie and I got our way into Long Beach. Got lit at my cousin’s wedding/ saw the fam again. etc.~~~

But the demise came right at the edge of the summer. Susan (my beloved late car) broke down literally 15 minutes from school. This led to Tom provoking my mother to buy me a brand new car ( worst mistake). It’s was based on impulsivity and my ignorance on cars and buying cars. Here I am literally 3 hours with the car and I get a fucking speeding ticket. It was a female cop so it was definitely over for me (though she was fucking up with her weak ass siren, turning on and off) anyways, fuck Liverpool. 24 hours fucking later, motherfucker hits my shit while leaving the mall. No one got hurt, except for maybe my and sierra’s friendship. I don’t blame her I just...fdbdjf let’s just not go there. School hadn’t even started yet and I already had the court system, Tom, my mom, my friends, my insurance company, and my conscience all under my ass. On top of that I had the worst classes I’ve ever had at Cuse. With the rental, bills, shit I had to sign, fax, calls I had to answer plus my own guilt and anguish, I was honestly completely unfocused and unmotivated for anything school related (and that definitely shows in my final grades lmao). But through all that, dickhead Kemet High was the comfort that I needed that kept me sane. 

This is a whole other thing, that I never wrote about because frankly it wasn’t supposed to happen or was never intended to. I can’t even write about the “then” because it is so much different from the “now”. I think I fell in like with this boy ( yes, in like, because wtf is love, something I’ve never been in, something I don’t even think I believe in). I honestly can’t even tell you “why” or “how” or “because of”, I just did. That’s actually not even important. All that matters is that I’m here now and he isn’t anymore, or never was. I’ll never know really. I’d be lying if said I didn’t miss it (before the fall)/him, I’d be lying if I said I wished it never even happened either. But I can honestly say, I’ve never experienced so much pain and passion, sadness and joy, challenge and comfort with one person before.   

I used to blame him, for not listening or trying to understand. I used to blame myself for not being [good] enough. I used to blame my situation, the depo, for what happened to us (which def. contributed to it, no doubt there). But I can’t blame him for being him, I can’t blame myself for being me and the universe put me in the position that I was in for a reason, bigger than us. 

I have realized that we’re more similar than I thought. The way he was, towards the end, is exactly how I am but even worse, with every single of my other relationships: unaffectionate, irritable, not wanting to be touched, not wanting to be around them for very long. How ironic it is that the one person I was giving my affection and care to, was the only person not willing to give me any in return. HA isn’t that a great example of life. But that was definitely karma -- showing me that I have to start trying to be a better friend, a better sister, and a better daughter. To not be so closed up, selfish with my time, enthusiasm, and presence. I’ve tried before and it worked a little but because of everything going on I completely stopped trying. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” and I put all my love and energy into Kemet (0-1000 lol). He was definitely not the only one that cared for me at the time but he was the only that could make me feel safe and happy on my worst days. And that’s totally my fault. 

I have to find a way to open myself up and be comfortable with the ones I love most and that love me. I have to stop being so selfish with myself; I mean I have to be duh but not to the ones who are already with me. So this is a vow to myself; love more: freely, unapologetically, lightly, and passionately. Not just to my close friends and family but to myself too. 

As for me and Kemet, well I don’t really know. What’s already said and done has been, but the past isn’t over, it hasn’t even past ;) (lmao fucking Charisse). No but for real, maybe it wasn’t meant to be at this point in our lives or maybe it was never meant to be at all; but it happened so what does that say/mean. I still want him in my life, in the back of my mind I think I want something to happen again, not now, maybe in a year, or 5, 10 years from now. Idk (but that sounds familiar tho lol). Or maybe it’s supposed to be just a friendship, which is truly what I want right now, but I need him to feel the same way for that to work. We’ll see. I get too caught up in the future/am too much of a control freak to actually enjoy things happening right now (another thing I gotta work on). 

A couple years ago I started learning how to love myself, now I gotta start learning how to love everyone else and unconditionally fall in love with myself: flaws, mistakes and all. I’ve recently learned you can be and feel however you want at literally any point in time; of course, shit creeps in and makes that hard, duh nigga life ain’t easy, but it’s definitely possible. We use labels as a way to define ourselves; it’s comfortable, safe, gives us meaning. But we don’t need those because we, well I can only speak for myself -- I am not just those defining attributes, even if people reinforce them. Systematically, academically, and personally I am labelled or trying to be figured out. But I am constantly changing, growing. I am not awkward, nor irritable, nor cynical; I am not introverted, nor sensitive, nor shy. I am me and there is no word for that because no “me” has ever existed before. and even if there was a word, I probably wouldn’t be that on graduation day, my wedding day (if ever that day came), or on my deathbed. But I can be confident if I want, I can be bitchy if I want, I can be sweet or sarcastic or lazy whenever I please but that doesn’t mean I will be tomorrow and that doesn’t define me either. People will always have their perceptions of you but that’s on them. Forget verbal limitations, fitting boxes that shape you, for there should always be endless growth. If you're not growing, you're dying (or already dead). 

This may come off as flip-floppy but thats not what I’m saying. My roots will always stay with me and I’ll always live by my morals -- I’m saying that I am not just that, I am not one thing. I am existential.

[thebottomoftheapple]

All things considered

...

[thebottomoftheapple]

SOUTH AFRICA

bruh I’m here..wild.

Didn’t write anything leading up to this smh I probably should’ve.

Getting off the plane I immediately noticed the air. It was fresher, wetter but not in a gross way. This place reminded me a lot of DR, which made me think a lot about history and how interconnected and traceable everything really is. I went out alone today to buy an adapter and noticed some things too. The streets and homes really reminded me of DR but with southern accents.. that probably doesn’t make sense but this is what I thought of. Strangers will say hi which is nice but also sus because I definitely look like a tourist and a woman. Copped an adapter at the chinese store (lit) (fufu 99cent store tbh) and walked back, I only almost got lost a few times. I also peeped dudes out here who look straight out of NYC like where do ya shop pmo please but then there were also bums around and pregnant white people walking dogs and students like me so I really don’t know what the actually setup of Cape Town is but I fucks with it. No one pressed me except one homeless man who kept asking me to feed his dog like chill I can't even feed myself. (fact: I haven’t had a real meal since the evening before I got on a plane aka thursday **it is now technically sunday son**) My housemates are all nice thank god but I avoided them all evening because I’m me but also because I was sleep. I showered, ate more of my snacks and watched a movie now I am here. Not very eventful but I’m literally on my own with nothing to do for the weekend. I’m trying to find a place for brunch tomorrow, we shall see. This house is cute but I move into my permanent home on Monday which I believe is litty-er so we shall see. 

*****Bro thank god for wifi tbqfh.

I think this trip will be good to me, for me.