thechaosisgettingexhausting

[thechaosisgettingexhausting]

Owen warland

wtf is productivity anymore? is it slaving yourself away for a government that likes to milk you of your money and bread crumb you when you asking for basic needs?

I have to write a damn essay today that is due tonight and I am stuck. im stuck going on my phone hoping from three main apps. what truly is the point of doing all this shit, to get that degree, and then what... continue to work a long side all these other people who I know are just as burnout?

yeah life is good for split second and then we have to go back to being apart of a society that drains us of our energy.

is this me being lazy? not wanting to participate in a world where everything is transactional and your worth is seen through how much you make and if you can pay bills pay, taxes, keep up with friends but also stay in school, care about people but don't be too loud about it because the person next to you is trying to focus on their work.

work work work

work isn't even that worth it at this point. you expect me to want to survive in these conditions, id have a better chance in the forest... give me a survival book that humans have imposed onto the earth maybe then ill "work" the rich don't seem to be doing much but sitting back in their 4 billion dollar home watching the world burn.

the paychecks are barely suitable for some families, even a married couple with well paying jobs could barely even buy a home, it keeps us all in the same loop that is hard to get out of.

idk how people like me even survive this world, maybe my mindset is negative and I should join the flow. work til my bones ache, til my joints develop arthritis, til im so used to being hunched over that when I straighten my back it's painful, til my eyebrows have a permanent line in the middle, til my ears are ringing from the typing of the keyboards,

I wish we could live in better systems that don't keep us trapped under the rich, I wish people in Palestine and Congo weren't victims of this greed, I wish our government gave a fuck, I wish people weren't so hateful to difference, I wish mental health would be considered a genuine illness that some of us face that we didn't have to push down to keep our productivity up.

im just a person complaining behind a screen, no I did not directly go through all these things but I was adjacent, I am an audience member, I've see and hear my family, friends, professors, strangers experiences. I see the strain this life has taken on us and it's devastating because we're so used to living in it we don't have time or money to fight for anything better.

in the fictional story "the artist of the beautiful" by Nathaniel Hawthorne, the character, in the title, is opposite of what his society expects as an ideal worker. he doesn't work for the money or the revenue or to mass produce. those around him tell him, he needs to improve his skill in order to be productive and be valued as a person. he was strong willed and kept strong by his he goes through a journey of self rediscovery after giving in to the social worlds pressure. he essentially transcends and is happy in his

may or may not add to this later.....

[thechaosisgettingexhausting]

here I go again...

I thought we were going to be free, I thought we were finally going to get the happy ending, you fit with me so well why do we have to do this again. I want to show my love for you, I want to experience a healthy caring relationship with you.

She will never know and see our pain, I don't want to be vulnerable around her anymore. I was so happy with you, should I have never tried to communicate with her? She's sucked into the universe she wants to live in. I shouldn't view her this way and I shouldn't say these things... there's so much I could say about her but I know it's not fair to bring those things up like she did with me. I know shouldn't feel vengeful, but can you blame me.

she took away the one thing I've been looking and craving for. you were my peace, my breath of fresh air, the soft kiss of the wind, you anchored me when I was lost, you were the North Star while I drifted the dark seas, the feeling you get when you see the wind blowing long grass in a meadow, a human with the ability for me to feel calm.

I don't want to let that go...

maybe I shouldn't have reached out to you... we shouldn't have started a fire we couldn't put out....

-

she claims to love him yet the things she's done behind his back, the thoughts she's had, I see such a different side of her... she's so sadistic to crave someone's suffering if they did her wrong... I thought it was okay in the past... I thought she was valid in the way she approached it but now I really do feel bad for him, he's a friend to me but a best friend to you... you see his suffering at a different level and seeing that perspective now really makes me see her cynical side.

-----------

you write poetry, you write songs, you write me letters, you lend me your clothes to keep me warm from the crisp air. you'd suffer a lil just of my comfort.

you make me feel safe, loved, seen... I haven't felt this strongly about someone before. I thought my last one was the one but OMG you send me to a different universe but somehow keep me so grounded. your love is perfectly measured for my needs and my abilities. I want to love you, I wish you were here wiping my tears away... to tell me that "you can do better." you know how to hold me, to comfort me. I finally feel like there's someone in reach that would equal my love. give the same effort and i'm back at square one.

maybe later in this life time we can run into each other again, if not i'll see you in the next one

[thechaosisgettingexhausting]

I betrayed you

im going to treat this like a letter to my friend that I keep continuing to disappoint but I also want to express my emotions to this whole situation as if im writing them a letter. **disclaimer: I am not home wrecking, my friend was never in a relationship with this man... my friend genuinely hated this man's guts a couple months before this incident, slowly they had to build civility because of mutuals**

hello _______,

I truly want to apologize to you about that weekend, I was acting on my own desires and I was not considering that it was your weekend. even after we had a conversation about this situation I continued to pursue him. you made it evident that you did not want me to be associated with him.

I can imagine your discomfort when you saw I was getting along with someone you did not favor, in no way am I trying to make excuses, but I was under the impression that things were getting better between everyone involved. matter a fact I thought if me and this guy got together maybe the tension would dissipate eventually because then I could gossip to you about him, but I can't.

now this is the hard part, I can't say it in any other way but blunt.

I have been seeing him behind your back. I have been seeing the guy that had caused stress in your relationship. I want to ask you for more details on why he was already on your bad side, other than what I already know, but I know you do not even wanna hear me refer to him.

every message, every second I was had with him felt like I was digging myself a deeper hole, I'm hoping this time im not being blindsided because losing you as friend because of a mf would be a big L on me. but I kept going because he is leading me into stability, I found a comfort in him, he even treats me better than my dad...

we've always had ups and downs but my perception of you never faltered until this. I was very compassionate in the beginning because I was slightly aware of my wrongs and I didn't see you as a person that would treat me worse than some of my exes.

you left me in the dark for 5 days. didn't tell me what I did wrong...when I approached you the day I noticed you were acting cold, you brushed me away just like what my dad used to do when I'd try to communicate with him. you gave me a vague hint to the problem.

you to completely holding that clear communication was so immature and emotionally tolling. the things going on in my life at the time had nothing to do with you but you had no sympathy for what I was struggling with. chose to leave me in the dark and let the anxiety fester. I was crying every day for 1 week before this(my ex) and in a complete mental fog for 2 months because of the mental toll the last relationship took on me. for my best friend of 9 yrs, I never thought you'd ever treat me like those men

even at my worst I wouldn't just discard you or degrade you. I would communicate with you so you wouldn't have to overthink and overthink and overthink about what you could do to fix a problem, a problem I wasn't even aware of. ofc I've talked to my other friends about it, keeping all the information as neutral as I could (they could be biased) but they all said that the way this was handled was meant to cater only to your emotions and how you felt. you didn't even gaf about my emotions or anyone else in the situation. when all this time I was tip toeing to not upset you. I was already used to the way you talked to me so only when I recited what you said to me, to my friends, they were in shock. I didn't even realize how harsh your words were until I said them out loud.

with all the things I already had on my plate, you didn't care to ask anything on my perspective, how I was feeling, you showed a smidge of remorse when you said you were worried about me like how you worry about your younger sister. I didn't feel like I had a place to speak at all.

for you to compare this to the moment with that other dude, was very telling to how low you really do view me. you saying "not to slut shame" then proceeds to say "I feel like you would've immediately gone for him if I didn't tell you how I felt about it" you thought that if you didn't communicate to me your discomfort with him that I would've gotten on him, is that not the point of communicating? was I meant to read your mind?

I have made mistakes in the past that we've addressed and fixed. there's no clean way out of this where you'd still have trust for those around you. or even a place where you'd want to be friends with me anymore.

I can't take back what I did that weekend and the following weeks after, I feel like it's selfish to say I don't regret what I've discovered with him. im a coward because I can't put myself to say this to you. me and the guy have been trying to find ways to communicate with you but you made it evident that you want nothing to do with him

I wanna tell you all the good things he's been doing for me. I want to prove you wrong about him. there's so many good qualities about him that I KNOW you'd be highly supportive of. when I broke up with my ex you even said "you deserve someone who will listen to your words and do what they can to make you feel happy and comfortable", now that I have that person I can't even be excited to tell you about it.

I wish you weren't so spiteful, prideful. idk if you refuse to see it or youre just unaware but the main people involved, hate this position. I can't fully blame you on that part because im the one that pursued him. him and I were the ones guilty for pursuing each other looking away from your prominent disfavor.

I've always seen my friends as great people that I trust to be vulnerable with and now I don't even feel comfortable talking to you because I want to address the elephant in the room but I know you'd explode on everyone if I tried to. I feel like I have no place to speak at all. I feel bad for not communicating with you, im always honest with my friends about my life and for me to hold this large part of my life from you because you don't want to see anything else, is beyond frustrating.

-

to the person reading this on Tumblr: I'm leaving out many things to keep this anonymous so don't assume they're a bad person or anyone involved. I wish I could talk more freely but it would be risking our identities

[thechaosisgettingexhausting]

I'm new to Tumblr so it's interesting that immediately a tarot reading appears is resonates so strongly. (I tried finding this persons post but I left the tab so I lost which blog did this)

Butterfly[if it matters Capricorn] = new guy(main dude im talking about)

ex[Gemini] = Wolf

I've been dating this guy that has really switched my perception on relationships. A little background this guy is not well favored by my friend(who is actually one of the mutuals that was the reason I met him) to the point that she didn't talk to me for a while about the issue...thats a long story for another time... this guy has changed my perspective so much that I didn't think anyone could.

Previous to him[Butterfly], I was in a chaotic relationship, constantly inconsistent. I was convinced I didn't want to find anyone else after him[Wolf] because I was exhausted of giving my love, loyalty, time and effort for me to be easily discarded. It wasn't just him but also past people that haven't treated me the best.

This tarot is insane because he truly did emotionally help get me back on my feet...he could tell when I was feeling very vulnerable and he can read the room very fast. he would do small acts to get me out of my dissociative state... it was a week or two from when Wolf and I called it off and I had just explained it to him and his friend. it was like he was taking mental notes of my cues. little did he know I was taking notes also...

we then take this out of the intimate event to dms. he jokes with me and obv I still have a guard up, but he was making it hard NOT to trust him... he was handling me amazingly, asking me in-depth questions that made me really think about my emotions, reactions and how I treat those around me. throughout this he's made me feel so secure and safe. he would constantly reassure me, he's probably the most stable person I've ever dated.

in relation to the tarot reading he literally did introduce me to his friends and he integrated me into his life with ease. mind you, I AM NOT USED TO THIS TREATMENT... with every past dude it felt like I was draining myself so i didn't lose them[imma make a separate blog analyzing my own flaws in relationships] but with him he makes it feel like ease.

he's a writer, he wrote me a letter, for the first time a week or two ago that was so expressive, so sensual and made feel seen, I'm usually the one analyzing and being more in touch with others' emotions. in a way I feel like being with him is truly healing parts of my inner child. he writes beautiful lyrics about love... he reads love poems and is so in touch with his emotions. I know this is bare minimum but sometimes I can barely even regulate my own emotions.

he's always encouraging me to do my best, encouraging me to get better. one of the first things he said to me was along the lines of "I don't want to jump too fast with you because I want you to get better and be able to feel better on your own" already off the bat that combatted my dependency issues. he didn't want me to become dependent on him to be my happiness... which already made me immediately feel seen.

people here obv don't know anything about me but I'm very sexual and I enjoy s3x, a lot of the times when Im with a man Im usually, immediately physically s3xual with them, I held back a lot with Butterfly...read disclaimer at the bottom.... after a while we stopped caring that my best friend didn't like him so we've been sneaking around ever since. but I truly feel like I'm with someone that I can succeed with. he's literally met my dad and sisters, my sisters like him a lot and my dad doesn't care as long as im happy but im sure he'd like him if they had a conversation.

{**DISCLAIMER**}Why did I hold back? I am not supposed to be seeing him or even talking to him. I know now some of you might be thinking I'm home wrecking my friends relationship, maybe you're thinking that Butterfly is my friend's bf but no, she genuinely acts like she hates this man, she's in a relationship with another... Let me clarify that my friend is not in a relationship with Butterfly. I am NO home wrecker.

I could literally talk about this all day but I got other shit to let out