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Having that relationship with Lucifer is making me feel safer.
It's making me feel more secure.
I lost that with Ari.
But I found it with him.
I don't have to have everything under control all the time.
I can let go with Lucifer.
I feel safe.
I'm his pet.
I'm his girl.
I'm safe.
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Slit my throat if you want me to see red again.
You didn't even hesitate. You didn't say anything.
I'm tempted to sell them all. Never own red anything ever again.
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My sex drive feels dead. I feel repulsed at the thought of sex. Sunday broke something. Monday broke it more.
Time to pretend I don't feel sex repulsed and spread my legs if they want it.
But I don't see me initiating anything
Maybe after some sleep I'll wake up and just feel needy. Hopefully. My fucking anniversary is soon.
But gods it just all feels so pointless. Everything feels pointless.
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They see me as unreasonable yet it's never their fault. Ever.
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He broke my heart. Over and over again. He knew he was hurting me and still chose him. Picked him.
He didn't pick me.
I wasnt enough. I'm not enough.
He picked Raphael.
So much so he threw me into the arms of another.
He. Picked. Raphael.
Some days I just want to shove divorce papers in front of him.
Other days I want to wrap around him until we're one.
I'm so tired
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I know I said he had until the twins are 18 before I propose to him but I don't know if I can wait that long
Gods I love shade so much
I can't wait until he's also my husband. I still get butterflies looking at him.
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I'm so nervous and excited to renew my vows with Ari. No dress is perfect.
I need to sneak away with ella this week and have her help me find the perfect dress.
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Gods I haven't updated this in so long. I think I just got so lost in my eating disorder nothing else mattered.
I called a divorce lawyer a few weeks back for questions but when ari said he didn't want one I left it at that. Just questions. Some days I can't stand looking at him and other days I just want to curl into him until we're one.
I'm dating Lucifer now. The literal devil. The boys aren't handling it well. I don't know why it's okay if ari dates someone else but I do and everything shattere to pieces for them. What did they think would happen? I'd pine for Luca forever?
Gods most days I'm so tired. Lucifer just.. doesn't make me feel bad or guilty for having feelings. I'm at the point most days I dread going home except for my kids.
I don't even want to think about what life would be like without them.. oh yeah. I'd be found dead in my Hawaii house because I sure as hell wouldn't have healed myself that day.
I'm scarily close to getting tubed. I really don't want to advertise anything. So I get to get fat and repulsive.. yaaaaay.
Gods. I almost want to take a weekend away just to myself. I'm looking for houses in fucking scottland to just hide in when everyone migrates to Hawaii. Gods. I'm tired of being tired.
Sometimes I wish I didn't love them so much. But gods as much as I'm crying I look at them and I know they're worth it. And I just want to stay with them for all of time.
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I had so many nights away with my husband. Just because. Not because it was an anniversary or a birthday but because he simply wanted to spend it with me. I feel so loved and wanted and happy. Gods. I never wanted it to end but I did miss shade and the kids.
But it is a weekend I'll never forget.
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You'll never see me in this surprise I long bought. A shame. It's the sexiest thing I own.
But you don't deserve it.
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I'm tired of feeling like I'm evil. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the bad guy because my husband breaks my heart. I'm tired of feeling like I'm terrible because I have feelings.
I'm tired of waking up.
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Hah..
The realization that I'm the one constantly running after him. Reaching for him. Screaming for him. Begging him to stay. Crying and sobbing from the bottom of my heart.
And he doesn't fight for me
He hides and walls up and disappears from me..
Do I matter? Am I really enough?
I'm not worth fighting for.
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I have to see Raphael tomorrow.
Thinking of him and ari makes me feel sick. I want to cry. These Sundays aren't as fun. But I love seeing everyone else.
But I know ari wants to see him more than once a week even if he never asks me.. I do want him happy. It's all I can do.
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I feel like they're both pushing me away all at the same time.. like they're preparing to leave me.
I'm scouring my brain trying to remember what I did or said and I can't. I don't know what I did that made them hate me.
And they're pushing me into someone's arms? I don't understand. I don't understand.
They don't have to see me. They don't have to understand. I know I begged to find someone who saw me.. who understood my hurt.. but I don't need that if it means they stay. I can just stay broken
Please.. don't leave me.
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I don't want to see you
I don't want to see you
I don't want to see you
I don't want to see you
I don't want you to come home
Leave me alone don't touch me
You've lost the right to touch me
To look at me
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My heart is broken every day and I just get told to "just be happy."
So what else can I do? There's no one I can go to anymore. Those words alone let me know that
Lucifer is the closest I have to a sanctuary right now.
Marcel just sees me as the host of his dead wife. But he's still nice to be around.
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My baby boy turns 2 today. Oh he's getting so big!! I'm going to cry I love him so much.
Ari and Ella learned some big news too. Ari is still digesting but at least he has Vincent's birthday to distract him for now
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