thecirculararchive

[thecirculararchive]

Claim: Endogenic systems steal medical language.

Validity: Dubious.

Sources of claim: [Post 1][Post 2][Post 3][Post 4]

Discussion: To discuss this claim, we need to examine the history of the endogenic community. Firstly, it must be acknowledged that the endogenic community as it currently exists could not have even existed before 2014, as this is the time when the Lunastus Collective (or, at the time, trashcan-collective) coined the term endogenic to describe any system who did not form from trauma; Lunastus also coined traumagenic for trauma based systems. These terms were coined with intention of replacing current terms, such as Natural Multiple. Therefore, before Lunastus entered the scene, these systems were already using the same terminology as systems with complex dissociative disorders (CDDs) and other traumagenic forms of plurality.

Before that time, the endogenic community was folded into the rest of the system community, and was highly medicalized. This created tension for many systems who did not fit the medical view of plurality, who then went on to form the Natural / Healthy Multiplicity Movement (henceforth shown as NMM). While this movement had its own number of flaws, the topic discussed here is strictly the usage of medical language in endogenic spaces. I would examine the timeline of plural history provided at this link by PluralDeepDive, which contains more sources than I could provide here in a timely manner.

The fact is, the history is muddy, which brings me to the second point. Since endogenic systems were seen as part of the DID community, they didn’t steal anything; endogenic systems are just using the same language they have always used. Furthermore, the community then began to split further by using alternative terms, such as plural or collective, in an effort to shift away from medicalized terminology. If anything, endogenic communities should be credited with attempting to shift further away from medical language.

With other medical terms, the same idea stands. Alter was a term from CDD spaces that endogenic systems kept when the fracture in the community formed, and alternatives were suggested, such as headmates. Splitting has shifted to ‘formed.’ Introject became fictive or factive, or any number of other coined terms*. Every single medical term has a basis in the System community, and endogenic systems have a basis there too -- and despite that, this problem isn't all that major, as endogenic systems have tried shifting their language. Even just the fact that Pluralpedia exists (even with its many flaws) is a sign that endogenic plurals have attempted to shift away from medicalized language.

Conclusion: Based on this, it is my belief that endogenic systems have, by and large, not stolen or appropriated language from CDD systems. While there are individuals from the NMM who purposefully used language from CDD spaces in an attempt to demedicalize the terminology, these systems had already been using this terminology long before that time. The modern endogenic community is simply using the language it’s always used, and is even shifting further and further away from medicalized language as it is.

Notes:

* The terms for fictive and factive came from outside the endogenic community themselves, instead originating from kin spaces. However, my knowledge of this topic is incredibly limited, as as I find kin spaces triggering for my psychosis, I will be avoiding research on this topic. If anyone would like to add their own research, it would be appreciated.

Other Sources to Read:

Pluraldeepdive. (2022, April 30). System. PluralDeepDive. [Link] This source discusses the term ‘system’ and how it’s been used by system communities. It contains sources on the origins of the term, as well as evidence of its usage through the years.

SysmedsareSexist. (2024, May 10). [Link] This is an ask answered by Mod Dude of SysmedsareSexist, a user who has done extensive debunking and research into DID misinformation. This post is about this same topic and offers the perspective of an older system who lived through these shifts in community. While there are no sources provided here, it's valuable to see this perspective.

Lunastusco. (2019). Origin of Endogenic System and Traumagenic System Terminology. Power to the Plurals. [Link] This is a discussion with Lunastusco about the origins of the terms endogenic and traumagenic in context of plurality. They wrote this post for PttP in an effort to explain what these labels mean. This is vital knowledge for understanding the history of endogenic systems.

More may be added as I see fit. Everyone can please feel free to add to this post as needed!

[thecirculararchive]

You ever just get in a mood and look at the multiplicity Wikipedia page, only to check if any of the sources are credible. Spoiler alert: they're not.

Literally every website linked was a system or a couple systems "sharing resources" that they've made themselves. That's not credible. They have no credentials to be claimed as a credible source. I really want to check on more of endo sources to see if the source is actually credible or another first hand experience.

[thecirculararchive]

Hi, I hope this ask isn’t too invasive…

You’ve mentioned before that you’re an English teacher, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to speak a bit on how you became one (education? certifications?) and what it’s like for you teaching while living with DID.

The reason I ask is, I’m a senior in high school and I’ll be going to college in the fall. I’m really worried because I have so many alters who all want different things for my life. But in general, I’m drawn to teaching and many of my alters are okay with the idea of pursuing this as a career - especially if I can teach English, which has always been my best subject (I’m in the US).

I’m really scared about entering the adult world, and want to be as prepared as possible for this shift. Hearing from a system who followed the career path I’m considering would be really amazing!

If this ask bothers you or if you’re not comfortable answering it, I totally understand. Thank you for your time and consideration!

- Freya

Hey!!! Sorry I missed this ask -- I hardly use this blog and actually plan on deleting it soon. Just need to get around to reblogging the important posts.

But this is an important one, and I really want to respond here, in the hopes that you'll see it.

I'm an English teacher for 6th grade in the US, and I can say that, without a doubt, college was harder than being a teacher is currently. Do not let your experiences in college stop you from your goal. The professors will not be kind to you, especially if you don't know what's happening to you.

I'm going to pop this under a cut because boy howdy I am rambling.

In terms of college and working to become a teacher with DID:

Firstly, and most importantly: Scheduling. You will need to be completely on top of scheduling out your few years of college. You don't need to be perfect, mind you, but please be aware of what classes are required and when you will take them. My college fucked me over on this. The reason it's so vital is because most education programs in the US are 5 year programs -- 4 years of college, and a 5th year of one semester of a "practicum" (an unpaid internship at a school). During your practicum, you're not supposed to take any extra classes. I was taking 3 classes on top of my practicum to stay under 5 years. Don't do this. Either bite the bullet and do that extra 5th year of schooling, or plan accordingly so you don't get stuck the same way I did.

Now that that's out of the way:

DID definitely impacted my ability to study for things. It really helped having someone else holding me accountable; my partner, my roommate for 3 of my 4 years of college, really helped me out and basically did the education degree alongside me in spirit. If you can, find someone else to help you study.

That someone else should not be a fellow education major. This is because almost all of them will drop out by the time you graduate. That's a sorry truth, unfortunately. In my Junior Literature class of 6 students in my junior year, only 3 moved on with their degree; in my senior year, I was the only one who moved on. This is because college is fucking grueling, and everyone dropped out, thinking teaching would be harder (I'll get to that).

Don't try to overcome your disorder in college. Don't try to heal or recover while going through classes. Try to survive. You do not need to focus on recovery immediately, and it is a BAD idea to pile that much on your shoulders while in college and while teaching. Try to maintain and survive as best as you can. Recovery is a process and it will work on its own as you go through.

You can absolutely bullshit your way through an English degree, easy. It's not hard. Especially if you start writing about fanfiction in Lit 101 -- or at least, in my experience, that got me far. If you know you'd good at English, I would highly recommend it, esp if you're good at School English.

For your other classes, you'll likely have to do gen ed credits. Be creative and have fun. To fulfill my math credits, I took programming and "mathematical excursions" (you do fun shit with math and learn to pay for a house -- it was incredible). To fulfill science credits, I took Astronomy as a night class and got to look through a telescope during a night class for an A. It was awesome. (Well, ok, that class sucked, but you get the point).

DON'T OVERSTACK YOUR CREDITS. I wouldn't go above 18 credits per semester. I usually did around 16, and the minimum we could do was 12. Don't go minimum, but do not overstack. Again, scheduling, don't overschedule yourself.

You'll take a form of practicum each year more than likely. This will be where you go to a school and teach for a bit, and then you'll go do homework about what you taught. In your first year or two, you won't be doing almost any of the teaching; you'll shadow a mentor teacher who will show you how to do the thing. This is honestly so beneficial, but...

TAKE NOTES. For fucks sake, the memory part of DID fucking destroyed me in college, and notes would improve everything. Take double notes, honestly -- physical notes while in the school, and digital notes once you get home.

GET ENOUGH SLEEP. DID leads to insomnia so frequently. Start trying to keep good sleeping habits now, because it WILL get worse as college goes on. Do NOT do what I did and try to survive on 3 hours of sleep a night. It is not sustainable and you will catch every single disease these kids transfer onto people, I swear to god.

The Dean of Students will actually help. A lot. Please go to them if you're struggling. If you can't go, then send someone you trust to advocate for you. In my senior year when everything was going to shit with my mentor teacher (she was a horrible woman) and the admin at school were shitty to me (again, a horrible woman in charge), my partner went to the Dean and advocated for me. That mentor teacher was forced to retire from the school the next year, and my admin had to extend my semester by 3 days to give me a better practicum with someone who could actually do their fucking job. Do not feel scared to advocate.

Please. Please, if you remember nothing, remember this: do not listen to your coworkers in your final practicum. Don't listen to what they say about you becoming a teacher. These people are jaded assholes who, in my experience, want nothing more than to bomb the school. I wish I was kidding, but genuinely, so many of them are horrifically jaded and don't want to be there, ESPECIALLY when your practicum starts (which almost always coincides with state testing schedules). Teaching is awesome, genuinely, so long as you enjoy it.

And lastly for the college aspect: It gets easier. It really does. College was absolute hell for me up through senior year. This was because not only was I doing full coursework (ouch), but I was also starting to really understand and process bits of my trauma (yikes) and I was still with my abusers (yikes). This makes it so, so much harder, in so many ways. And I still did it. And now, here I am to live and tell the tale, and now that I am a teacher?

This shit is so much more forgiving. I have slipped up so fucking much, but as long as you do your best and mean well, your bosses will fucking adore you. They desperately need warm bodies in the room to help make sure the kids don't set fire to each other, and you are certainly going to fit the job description if you give a single shit.

Be open about some of your issues, but not all. I'm very open at work that I suffer from a disorder that leads to amnesia, but I'm careful about how I do this. "I actually have an issue that leads to a lot of forgetfulness, so if it's possible that you could send me a reminder of that meeting, I'd appreciate it." That's all I needed, and now we have a group calendar and my coworker has forgiven me numerous times for missing something.

Your mistakes as a system are completely seen as just. Normal Ass Human Mistakes. Forgot a meeting? Happens to everyone. Broke down crying in front of the kids? Shit fam, the teacher across the hallway walked out last week, you're doing remarkably just because you stayed.

The kids can fuck you up. Genuinely. They WILL trigger you. You WILL get memories of your childhood and it WILL hurt. And you will get through them with patience, time, and understanding. It'll be okay. Please, work hard on reminding yourself that these kids are not actively malicious. They do not understand your perspective.

To that note, almost every single teacher I know has a therapist. It is not a shocker to be in therapy. Most teachers need it. If you don't have one, I highly recommend getting one, if just to bitch about your coworkers with someone who will nod and say, "You deserved better than that, you're right."

Most of teaching is paperwork and meetings. Like genuinely, it's kind of ridiculous. We have meetings every Monday and Thursday, with occasional meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. It's a LOT of meetings, and everything needs documented.

Work life balance. Please have one. This is when you start working on not bringing work home.

MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZZES ARE OKAY. GENUINELY. I was so firmly against them as a student in college -- "that doesn't test genuine knowledge!" Neither does school. Please save yourself the hours of grading and do a few multiple choice quizzes. In some counties the system you use will autograde them.

God I could talk about this for hours on end. I'm really genuinely happy to answer so many questions about this. If you want to know anything specific, feel free to ask. I'm also over on @circular-bircular and plan to use that as my main system blog, so you can ask me more questions there if you want.

You've got this. I am absolutely rooting for you.

[thecirculararchive]

Recovery

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

A little over two years ago at this point, I began therapy for the first time. I was absolutely fucking terrified of it. I was terrified of opening up about the lie I'd clearly been living. I was terrified of a well-mannered person looking at me, listening to me, and saying "Is this way of viewing yourself really healthy?" And kindly and calmly explaining to me that I'd fabricated all that trauma, that my abusers weren't actually abusers -- that emotional neglect is more severe than what I'd experienced, and the reason I couldn't remember anything "bad" was because there was nothing bad to remember.

Instead, my therapist had one session with me, had me take a test to see the severity of my symptoms, and diagnosed me faster than I've ever heard of someone being diagnosed.

Just like that.

I have had so much integration since then. I can hear everyone clearly, without straining for it on purpose. I see my life around me, and I forget there's a whole life in my head that I used to spend 24/7 at until a friend reminds me of a time back then, and I remember who I used to be in full detail.

This week in therapy, we discussed my recovery. We discussed how I, as a part, am doing so, so much better than I've ever done -- and how I almost feel bad about it, because other parts aren't doing nearly as well right now. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as suicidal, and I have a lot of things I'm passionate about that I can rely on rather than harmful coping mechanisms -- and I talked about how other parts are more stressed than ever. "It's like they took the worst parts of who I used to be, because we're integrating now, so they have to carry the burden."

And my therapist looked at me, and said, "Why is who you used to be such a burden?"

Recovery hasn't been easy -- but I've definitely gone faster through some of these obstacles than I've seen others in my situation. I take the lessons and I absorb them like a sponge; in a matter of weeks, I completely stop spirals that would've wrecked me before, and push away relapse thoughts with a simple distraction rather than a mental breakdown. It hasn't been easy -- but god, is it easier than what I've seen my friends experience.

I look at my friends, and I see how much they struggle... I feel the need to express the struggles I've gone through. "Oh yeah, I was such a mess in college," I'd say. "I was such a wreck, constantly. My dissociation was so bad. I hated myself so much."

Why is who I used to be a burden?

Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?

Will it really make me taller?

My homework for this week was very simple, and incredibly complex all the same -- and at the time, when he gave me the assignment, I had my doubts it was really as severe as he suggested. It wasn't until I got to the car with my partner of 6 years, and I told them about the homework that it clicked.

"He told me I need to be kind to my younger self, who I -- as a part -- used to be. He told me I needed to be more positive about that guy." "You know... I fell in love with that version of you." And I winced, because I wanted to laugh and cringe at what a mistake that was.

It clicked for me, today. How this connects to all that self doubt.

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.

But I was far better than I made myself out to be.

[thecirculararchive]

Kindness and Anger

Look.

There is a major issue right now, in syscourse, about being too kind.

It's funny for me to say that -- after all, I'm the "respectability politics" syscourser, am I not? (And no, I have literally never forgotten that label being shoved on me). And the thing is, I really try not to be an asshole in syscourse, or overly pedantic, or just flat out mean -- because I'm a nice person, for fucks sake.

But that still doesn't negate that anger -- and yes, the occasional unkindness -- is needed. This constant shoving down of anger, this constant ridicule of passion and heat, is leading to a lot of incredibly traumatized people being incredibly hurt. Case in point: Me.

What follows is sort of half trauma dump, half vent, and all parts frustration that I'm trying to let out healthily. If you'd like the short version:

TL;DR: While syscourse can be harmful, it can also lead to a lot of joy. It can lead to new understandings. People telling me to back off, to not take it so seriously, are undermining a lot of that and echoing a lot of my past trauma. We should all be more willing to understand the impact these discussions have in real life.

I shoved down a lot of feelings these past few months. Shocker of all shockers, seeing lies being spread about myself and the people I love and the places I've worked to curate sort of pisses me off! But the message from everyone around me was "ignore the trolls, don't pay attention, don't engage--" And it promptly became translated into, "You aren't allowed to openly feel bad, and anyone being upset is a bad thing that needs to be fixed." I don't think this was intentional for many people. They were worried about me hurting.

But the issue was, these people -- traumatized people who have repeatedly been taught that their emotions are harmful -- were telling me that my emotions were harmful. Unsurprisingly, I suddenly was shoved back into this role of looking at and moderating every emotion.

I unmuted every vent room in every server I moderated for (and those I don't). I obsessively stalked many blocks I had blocked, simply to ensure I could brace myself for whatever thing might potentially upset someone else (not even myself -- I didn't care about those emotions). I even forced many of my friends -- the people who were watching me get hit and harassed and battered down every single goddamn day, who were worried about me, who wanted desperately to speak out against the heinous goddamn shit I was experiencing, who they themselves were experiencing -- to stay silent and bottle up their own emotions too.

You know what that all reminds me of?

Being available for those venting reminds me of that time I made sure notifications were on the night a friend sent me a suicide note -- one they later admitted was completely false, that they just were bored and wanted someone to talk to, and that would get me the most engaged. I was stressed by finals but instead of studying or taking care of myself, I stayed on the phone, texting with them for 3 straight hours, bawling my eyes out in fear. I was 18, and I never really grew out of this. I still sacrifice time and energy for people that not only don't deserve it, but who manipulate me into being there for them, no matter what. I don't know if I'll ever heal from that mentality.

Stalking the blogs I had blocked to make sure I knew everything, all of the time, no matter what? What a shocker for someone who memorized the squeaky spots on the floor, made sure to eavesdrop while walking silently through the house, learned to hide in the bathroom where they thought I couldn't hear them, made sure to open the window just a crack so I could hear them outside. To this day, I try to know everything, try to have google on hand, just in case someone asks me for more of my "somehow encyclopedic knowledge" on everything. People rely on me for that. I'm connected to everything, so nobody else has to be.

Making everyone else step back? How inventive, a traumatized person isolating themselves. I forced every single person around me (just like I always do) to pretend it was all fine, because if it wasn't all fine, then things would be bad, and if things were bad, I would melt down, and it would clearly be my fault, because wasn't it always, somehow, in the past?

(I'm still the most sorry about this one. I'm still trying to swallow that guilt and shame I have for letting it get that far, for hurting the people I love so much, just because I convinced myself I was just being stupid for being hurt, like I was always taught in my abuse. I'm so sorry to those of you who I forced to stay silent, just to keep the peace. You deserved so much better.)

Suffice to say -- it took removing myself from a lot of spaces for a cold shock to my system, splitting and not being able to be myself for a straight month, for me to even recognize this is what happened. It was so normalized for me, all my life. I had to emotionally regulate my parents, so it made sense that I had to emotionally regulate everyone else -- particularly when I was one of the people who was hurting.

All because "We can't let ourselves appear too angry -- that's not healthy for us."

As if how I became was healthy. As if the ball of anxiety and health problems I became, as if the nightmares and triggers I was experiencing were healthy. As if losing months at a time was fucking healthy for me. It took me until recently (and until today, writing this post, editing it, and reviewing it while panicking that I'm going to ruin everything if I ever post this) to even realize just how badly this hurt me.

I'm still flinching when I express a negative emotion to my partner. I had gotten over this. I had gotten better. Stabilized. But these past few months, forcing myself to be silent about my pain, forcing myself to not talk about anything negative... I slipped back. I let myself buy into the idea that my anger was ridiculous. That being so passionate was harmful. And look, Lord knows I've been vocal about how syscourse has hurt me. There were so, so many times where my anger took over, where I let myself become a person I look back on and cringe at, because that's just not who I want to be. But there's something called a window of tolerance -- or, as my queer ass therapist calls it, the rainbow of tolerance -- where you find a middle ground. You don't go to either extreme.

And I see a lot of major syscoursers lately (whether they consider themselves major or not) going to one extreme or the other, in their own ways.

In one camp, we have the polite overlords of kindness, hiding every shitty awful thing they say in a veneer of positivity and rainbows. Remarkably, no matter how nice something sounds, or how passionate someone is while being polite, it doesn't make it true, or somehow less harmful.

In another camp, we have the most obsessed goddamn people alive, raging about every little thing and making a post every 5 seconds about every little thing. The rage could be quiet or loud, but it's always just constant stirring of drama. (Looking at you, anti-endos posting incessantly recently about how much they hate endos...)

In yet another camp, and possibly the thing I want to address the most with this post, is those who are brushing syscourse off entirely. It's gaining more and more popularity nowadays. "How are you all caring so much about online discourse" types. "This isn't changing anything" types. The ones who insist that REAL activism happens in real life, and that this is so niche and small that it doesn't have any real impact to "just go and scream on tumblr about your feelings."

This is the one that's hurting me the most, right now, as I look back at a few years of being in syscourse. Because I managed to buy into it wholeheartedly these past few months. I managed to convince myself that this thing -- this place I love, the people I love -- were all wrong, and not only that, but were somehow self harming via this. That I was hurting myself by caring so deeply about misinformation, that I was actively self harming and encouraging others to do so, simply by engaging.

First and foremost: yes. Syscourse can absolutely be harmful. I am not trying to suggest it isn't. I have literally never suggested it isn't, and have vocally said it is harmful, multiple times, across several blogs.

Secondly, and far, far more importantly for this discussion: Syscourse can be beautiful.

I'm reminded of how I met a very, very dear friend -- @justanothersyscourse was the actual blog I'd talked to at the time -- and what I learned in that moment. I was sitting in a Covid testing line, terrified out of my wits, as a part who could barely comprehend anything he was reading online about disorders and dysfunction. He was trying desperately to understand, mostly because he had always been strong before, and now he felt so weak, being the way we were.

And he reached out to this major syscourser -- someone who seemed so angry about "something that's only online," about such a "niche topic that doesn't relate to the real world" -- and asked him, plainly, what was wrong with him. What was making him the way he was? Was everyone right about dysfunction and distress? Did he have to hate who he was just to be real?

And the overwhelming answer was, "No, and you are loved, because you exist, and you deserve it for that reason alone."

SAS didn't say as much in so many words -- actually there were a lot more words and sources thrown about, as well as olive branches all around. It burned me inside to reach out to him (he was anti-endo, after all, and I was not), but he still reached out to me with respect and kindness -- even if he sometimes acts immature, or rudely, or with language that would make a sailor blush.

I came out that day somehow feeling better than I had in years (despite, yes, having Covid). Because finally, a part of me understood... I wasn't broken. I didn't need to hate who I was, this fragmented self I was, because that's not what the criteria meant.

I want to ask each and every person who looks at syscourse with a disdain and dismissal, or who feels the need to post some swarmy holier-than-thou post about how above it they all are, or to remark on how everyone is too passionate and needs to take a step back, regardless of where they're actually at...

How in the 9 hells can I agree with you when I've had these experiences?

Again. I've been hurt by syscourse -- I feel the need to keep mentioning that, just because I know some of you fuckers are going to take this all to mean that I love syscourse too much, and that I'm too supportive of it, or god forbid that I'm fucking self harming by finally opening up about all of this. But the fact is, syscourse has helped me understand so much more about who I am, about the disorder I live with, and has led me to other avenues of research I never would've looked at otherwise. I've started studying Jung -- someone I had ZERO interest in before recently, I had to research far too much about him for my English degree as it is -- all because of the "Studies Proving Endogenic Systems" list I've been working through. I've started buying up self-help textbooks, because syscourse caused me to understand that my experience with therapists was NOT the norm, and most people DO need to work on self-help, and i wanted to understand their perspectives.

How is this not impacting people's lives?!

Of course I'm going to take this seriously. I take it as seriously as I take my teaching. I might not be changing the world, or changing laws. I might be working within a flawed system. But at the very least, if I can make one kid's life better -- give them someone like them to look up to, to relate to, who can give them the ability to make their own choices and learn more while advocating for myself --  then it's worth it.

And that's what I aim for in syscourse. If I can make one person -- singlet, system, plural, collective, whatever have you -- understand themselves or others a little bit better... Is that not, in it's own way, activism? Is that not, in it's own way, changing the world?

And if the answer is "no" then... what the fuck is the point of communication, or socializing, or trying to debate anything, anywhere?

Ugh. Lord, I've rambled so long, I can barely think about everything I've written. Bullet points time.

Syscourse can be harmful, and I won't say it isn't. As someone who has been obsessed with it in the past, who has used it to harm myself, and sometimes still does -- that harm doesn't go away on its own.

Syscourse is also beautiful. We CAN have good conversations, make close friends, and learn more about ourselves through these discussions.

If we don't try to combat that misinformation that's in this space, if we don't try our best to heal this space, then how is it ever going to recover?

I am a person that exists in real life. Syscourse isn't just a chronically online thing -- IT DOES have an impact in the real world! Stop devaluing passion and heat and anger just because you feel like you're so much more above it because you are clearly the person who knows better than everyone else, simply because you "Cracked the code" and somehow figured out how to syscourse unharmfully (newsflash, asshole, so did a lot of people -- it's just not in the way you agree with).

Let yourself be mad. Let yourself be impolite. Don't let it completely overtake every moment of your day, every second of your life, but fucking let yourself be mad. It's okay to be upset!

I don't know how so many of us managed to forget that along the way.

[thecirculararchive]

Hey Sophie, someone sent me your clarification on the fakeclaiming thing.

And. Yeah. That’s on me. Genuinely, I have no fucking idea why I said “actual systems” as if you aren’t one. (I also haven’t looked at that post in ages — MotCR feels ancient now).

That was fucked of me — I think it might’ve happened due to a combination of seeing the term System as CDD exclusive at the time due to believing the origins of the term came from medical spaces, and because I knew you didn’t use the term.

That doesn’t excuse the behavior though. Genuinely, I apologize. It wasn’t intended as fakeclaiming — it was intended to discuss the fact that you frequently speak over and ignore the wishes/desires of many CDD systems.

For everyone concerned: Endogenic systems are real and respected on this blog.

For Sophie: I apologize for the unintentional fakeclaiming. I was triggered, and frustrated, and that doesn’t excuse it. Thank you for bringing the phrasing to my attention. Know that I *do* see you as a system (or I believe you prefer the term guild or collective? Sorry if I’m wrong on that) and I respect created parts/alters/headmates (I have them myself).

[thecirculararchive]

Fakeclaiming prick

Hey there buddy! Normally I block these, and if you send more you will be — but I just wanna make a request.

To any and all (and I’m clearing out my blocklist today, so please, feel free to interact if I allow it now!), please provide screenshots of where I have intentionally fakeclaimed someone.

I say intentionally because there was one instance where my words have been taken as fakeclaiming, and reading them back, I could understand how it sounded that way. I apologized to that user for that, and my apology was accepted — so that one definitely isn’t evidence that I’m a fakeclaiming prick.

As far as I am aware, I have not intentionally fakeclaimed any users. I do make mistakes though, and it’s possibly my Incredibly Fucking Literal Self has slipped up and said something fucked up, without me realizing it. And I want to apologize if users can point those instances out. But apropos of literally nothing as far as I’m aware, you’ve called me out, so clearly you must know something I don’t. 🤷‍♂️

[thecirculararchive]

Not gonna add this back onto the post but just a quick thought before my nightly writing:

“DID is just distressing plurality” ignores all the symptoms of DID beyond the “has multiple parts” criteria. It ignores the amnesia, the social distress, the shame, the traumatic flashbacks, the—

Man I could go on.

Sometimes, I feel like I am simultaneously plural and not plural. I like calling myself plural and I enjoy the ampersand symbol of plurality — I am, in myself, multiple, however I seek to define that. I contain multitudes. But at the same time, I’m so distinctly not part of that culture. I don’t celebrate my multiple parts anymore than a singlet would; I don’t seek to add plurality to my identity. It’s not who I am — it’s a symptom.

Idk. Musings!

[thecirculararchive]

There Is No Age Limit On Healing.

I received an ask today where someone said they can't achieve final fusion because they are past the age limit where fusion is possible.

I'm not sure where you heard this idea, or if you came to the conclusion yourself, but I'm happy to be the one to inform you that there is no age limit on fusion. There is an age limit on the integration of identity as a child, yes, but that doesn't mean that process cannot be done later in life (and that age limit is nebulous as it is). It just means that, in the meantime, a system has formed.

Fusion is just integration at a more intense level. It's the understanding between parts, the communication between them improving, acceptance and processing and the lowering of dissociative barriers. That's the goal of therapy -- being able to communicate with the parts of yourself more easily and reach inner understanding.

It can feel difficult to achieve, and for many, fusion isn't the right answer -- I'm one of those individuals myself! My therapist and I both agree that it wouldn't really be the best path for me at this time. But that doesn't make it impossible to achieve, regardless of the type of system you are. DID, OSDD, HC-DID, p-DID -- regardless of the type of system you are, you can still make progress on integration, and fusion is always possible with hard work.

[thecirculararchive]

My new favorite syscourse stance: let's label ourselves as one thing, then post content that proves we actually have the exact opposite opinion, and when anyone complains, fall back on the label.

That's hilarious.

You're not "pro" anything when your entire argument is that the thing might exist, but all information about it is "misinformation" or "harmful simply for existing." Fucking over endogenic systems while believing they exist isn't pro-fucking-anything.

There's a word for that: it's "hypocrisy".

(And watch someone complain that I'm misusing the word "hypocrisy.")

Added by April:

I would extend the kindness that opinions change, that we can only live within the confines of our knowledge, and new information is hard to gather in an echo chamber.

[thecirculararchive]

Not a fully thought out post here, but I wanted to engage in a conversation about this.

About the term sysmed: It is used so regularly, so constantly, that I can argue just about anyone in syscourse is one, regardless of if they fit the label. The definition is so wide and broad (I think in an effort to leave it up to the person using it if they want it to be an insult or not) that so many pro-endo systems fall under the label.

This was one thing I found contributed to my fear in endogenic spaces when I was first joining system spaces on tumblr. I felt I could never step a single toe out of line without my entire community attacking me. And I feel the word sysmed is a good indicator of that.

"Sysmed" as a term is used to fearmonger and insult in the same breath. I've been told repeatedly, for instance, that discussing how DID forms from trauma is a "sysmed dog whistle." Let's look at the effects of that:

The term sysmed is used to insult any DID system who posits that trauma is the cause of DID, regardless of if this is actually them medicalizing the concept of systemhood.

DID systems within the pro-endogenic community jump on the bandwagon of insulting other DID systems using this term, splitting the community into syscourse lines, rather than supporting recovery collectively

When sysmed is called into question by anti-endos and pro-endos alike, it's defended by those who would rather not acknowledge they've hurt others deeply, and instead, they double down by comparing those who are hurt by the term sysmed to transmeds, further triggering individuals who are frequently transgender themselves and have been traumatized by transmeds.

DID systems within the pro-endogenic community who do believe that DID is caused by trauma either are ostracized, often becoming firmly anti-endo due to harassment, insults, and fear, or are silently suffering while pretending to be okay with people who believe the same as them being constantly harassed.

So... for my question: Is being able to "compare sysmed ideology to transmed ideology" really worth this? Or are you just using a word you know will hurt someone without giving a shit about the consequences?

[thecirculararchive]

@pine-tree-system

Is there a way to feel anger without letting it overwhelm you?

Overall, we hate feeling angry. It hurts and it's not fun. The times when certain alters like it is when it has a touch of irony and/or aggression to it. But either way, it's usually loud. When it's not loud, it feels even worse.

It's like there is no middle ground for anger. You either feel it or you don't. I know that's not true though, because we have our moments of mild frustration or annoyance. But damn, it sure does love to shoot up sometimes, especially when we acknowledge it and allow ourselves to feel it.

Do you have any advice on the matter? How do you let yourself feel an emotion without it overwhelming you? Is that even possible?

I suppose I should also add that we have ADHD and possibly even BPD. As for systemhood, we're still questioning, but it definitely would be traumagenic in our case and treating ourselves as a system has brought in better recovery, but also more problems to be solved.

- Protector

It's important to understand that you are not angry; you FEEL angry.

It can be overwhelming, and I struggle a lot with this too, particularly in highly traumatic moments. (I actually broke my phone yesterday due to a severe trauma response, because of the anger I felt -- it's messy and can be incredibly overwhelming).

Simply put, it takes practice feeling angry.

When you find yourself getting overwhelmed with anger and feel bad about it, think to yourself:

Why am I feeling angry right now? What led to me being angry?

Is my anger justified in this moment? Why?

What can I do about the situation?

If I can't do anything about the situation, what can I do to comfort myself, while also not ignoring the problem?

If I had a bad reaction, what can I do to avoid this in the future?

Here's an example of that thought process: Let's say your friend says something ableist to you, and you get angry about the comment.

Why am I feeling angry right now? What led to me being angry? My friend said something really ableist, and that hurts. I know I deserve better than that, and I'm upset they thought that was okay.

Is my anger justified in this moment? Why? Yes; ableism is shitty.

What can I do about the situation? I can explain to my friend that what they said was hurtful and why. If they don't understand that, or refuse to change their language, I should set a clear boundary that I will not be hanging out with/talking to them if they speak like this.

(Let's say, for this part, you got into an argument and blocked them on everything) If I can't do anything about the situation, what can I do to comfort myself, while also not ignoring the problem? You had an overwhelming reaction, and you can't change that. Maybe you should log off for a bit and take a breather, and come back to unblock your friend the next day, or a few hours later. If you can, maybe you can unblock them immediately and send a message saying you just need some space.

If I had a bad reaction, what can I do to avoid this in the future? Maybe having someone there you can vent to would help prevent you from getting into such a bad argument, or being clearer with your words.

[thecirculararchive]

Hi, I hope it’s okay if I ask for some advice! I’m gonna go into detail on this with my therapist tomorrow, but I feel like system-to-system advice would probably be a good perspective too!

So, in my source, I’m always super happy go lucky, bursting out into song, rainbows and sparkles everywhere, right? And since I showed up a few months ago, that was still usually my default. I can still be serious and stuff, but ultra hyper and happy is who I am!

Which is why it confuses me so much that I’m starting to get worse and worse at staying positive and happy through everything lately. Our living situation, plus the rest of the system’s depression, is forcing me to… not be happy all the time. And I don’t like it, I’m not used to being sad and uncomfortable for long periods. What do I do? Am I failing at my purpose of being the ‘ultra happy one’? -Poppy 🌸

Hey there Poppy! I was just about to go to bed, but I’ve got time for an ask real fast.

No — you are not failing at your purpose of being the ultra happy one. What you are failing, however, is yourself. And you shouldn’t feel bad about that!! It happens to all of us.

See, your source was a world where you could be happy go-lucky all the time. But this world is different. You can’t just be happy all of the time — and that’s actually a beautiful thing! The times when we are not happy give context for our feelings, give catharsis and rest.

Furthermore; you’re a whole identity of your own. Would you boil down someone in real life to their “purpose” and have it be one singular thing? Of course not! So don’t do yourself that disservice either. You are so much more than just a tool to make everyone else happy. What hobbies do you have? What interests are yours?

I hope the conversation with your therapist goes well 💜

[thecirculararchive]

Was talking to a friend about personal experiences and finding value in negativity, and said something I felt was powerful.

“I can appreciate that it impacted me positively while condemning and speaking out about the flaws.”

I think syscourse could really benefit from that outlook. Too often, it’s black and white - harmful, or positive, recovery or not. I fall into this trap often too, I think primarily due to trauma. It’s easy to say that All Of It is evil and to burn it all down, rather than acknowledge the nuance and positive aspects.

Pro-endos have hurt me, but they’ve also helped me. Anti-endos have hurt me, but they’ve also helped me. All sides of syscourse have their flaws, and it needs to be spoken about — but at the same time, those flaws do not negate the positive aspects of those sides either.

(This goes for all topics honestly, not just syscourse — I just think that right now, especially, people need to gain a nuanced perspective on what people say, and try their best to comprehend the full context of what happens)

[thecirculararchive]

I've read your views, but I do not see why you call yourself a sysmed if you think the term is transphobic. That sounds like a contradiction of intent. I'm a trans system, so this feels like you're also transmed. I want to understand because your views otherwise meet what most pro-endo agree on.

I'm also a trans system, and that's actually part of why I call myself a sysmed. My time in syscourse has been incredibly painful and difficult, and a lot of it was because of that word.

I've been pro-endo for a very long time. It wasn't until I began to say a few things that were critical of the commnuity, just mildly, that I started getting called a sysmed. I got called one for every little thing -- having DID, having trauma responses, using Core to refer to my host back when we had one, NOT using Core to refer to my host back then, and so on and so forth.

Even now, the culture is to call anyone who disagrees with you a sysmed. Look at the most recent discourse on tulpa as a term. The majority of voices in the debate are pro-endo, and yet, almost everyone on the pro-tulpa(term) side has been calling them sysmeds, or spouting "sysmed rhetoric."

The fact is, sysmed simply means "someone who isn't pro-endo enough for my standards." Nothing more and nothing less; people use it as an insult more than the factual definition. I've been incredibly hurt by my own community forcing me out, so hurt that I even called myself anti-endo for a time and did say some hurtful things (after being pro-endo for years) because I was just so desperate for community.

Then, when I came back to the pro-endo community, nobody accepted me. Everyone still called me a sysmed, everyone still shut me out. It was only those individuals who were willing to look past labels and see my content that ended up sticking around, and those are the people who I found community with. Some are anti-endo, some are pro-endo, some are neutral -- but all are willing to look past labels and discuss like adults.

And that is why I use sysmed.

I'm pro-endo, fully and completely. I medicalize myself and my own disorder only. I only have the word sysmed tacked on because so many individuals have chosen to label me with it that I am preemptively calling myself that; if people try to argue with me by simply shouting that I'm a sysmed, I can now shoot back "Yes, we all know that, it's in my pinned post. Now actually tell me why my point is wrong, instead of attacking a label." It takes away the power of an insulting, often transphobic term.

It's the same reason I use it/it's pronouns on other blogs of mine (though I'm not as comfortable with them here). I have been dehumanized for so long that it became part of who I am. Same with sysmed. I do not agree with the ideology that led to the term, but because I use the term as an identifier, I can now work against that ideology without being hurt by the inevitable harassment.

You say my views are otherwise pro-endo. Yes! That's the point. If an individual cannot look past the label on a blog and see that they agree with the content -- just like how both pro-endos and anti-endos refuse to look past labels and see just how much they have in common with the others blogs -- then they have no place here.

[thecirculararchive]

I consider myself a baby in the world of syscourse and considering how stressful it is for someone who barely dips their toes in at all, how the hell do you and other big syscoursers not explode 😭 (mostly rhetorical question)

Okay so anon I know you said this is rhetorical but it’s the perfect time for me to mention something.

The big syscoursers DO explode. A lot.

I have said some really bad things, things I very rarely delete so I can be held accountable for them — I just preface everything with the apology for it and the determination to do better.

I’m friends with other syscoursers who have also said and done bad things. Fakeclaiming, hate anons, it’s happened in the past. While all of us have grown past those times together, those times still happened, and could easily happen again if pushed the wrong way.

A very large population of the syscourse community is highly traumatized people. That trauma often comes out in outbursts, vitriol, and toxicity. It’s easy sometimes to see those spirals and trauma responses in posts I’ve made.

The reason a lot of people don’t notice is because we have found healthier ways to handle these feelings. Mostly, Survivor’s Network and my private syscourse server (also, for those who’ve requested access, the public server is so, so close to done, I’ve just been in too much pain lately to do much).

I vent about things in Discord a lot more now, and almost always post there before posting here. I have frequently gone OFF on Discord, and then just… blocked and moved on here. I’ve repeatedly had people remind me to moderate my language, and that while my anger is absolutely acceptable and justifiable, I need to try my best to stay aware of my language and how hurtful it can be.

Its hard, as traumatized people, to regulate ourselves. I’m so eternally grateful for those users (on tumblr and on discord) who understand that and have patience when I make mistakes.

💛 Thank you to everyone who’s been patient with me as I’ve tried to learn more and be more patient myself. Thank you to all those who assumed good faith rather than bad. Thank you to everyone who’s moderated their own trauma responses, because I know how difficult that can be sometimes.

You’re all so lovely, and I’m lucky to have you!

[thecirculararchive]

Thoughts regarding “practicing” Tulpamancy:

I went on r/Tulpas to ask about Debra. I’d been repeatedly told different things about her creation — that created alters can’t be trauamgenic, that she’s a normal split, that she’s a thoughtform. Someone even once told me she’s a daemon.

So I went to ask what their thoughts were. I only got about 3 responses, but they were all generally the same — and all three gave me some thoughts.

First commenter: So just going through the process of creating an alter makes it automatically fit the definition of a thoughtform, regardless of how much time is spent or trauma influences.

Second commenter: I actually responded to this one, because I’ve been told in the past that for an alter to be a thoughtform, they would need more to them; Buddhist teachings and practices and such. I’ll be honest, my education of Buddhism comes from an AP world history class and that’s about the extent of it. Something something 8 fold path?? So I don’t have any knowledge of the practice — meaning this particular “brand” of thoughtforms I thought wouldn’t be achievable.

Final commenter: This one says you can make accidental thoughtforms. But I described a process where I actively thought about a person in my head, talked to her often, and then she stayed. Is that an accident? It had unintentional side effects, but where does the line get crossed between accidental and not accidental when my imagination gets involved? Also — the only commenter to misgender Debra. Is it common for people to misgender thoughtforms by referring to them as “it”?

Regardless; everyone was in agreement that Debra fit the definition. All of this begs the questions:

If just thinking about something really hard created a thoughtform, then most writers are also practicing this; what becomes the difference between a very active imagination and created thoughtforms?

This was on r/Tulpas, but everyone here said she would be one. However, as I stated, I know next to nothing about Buddhism, beyond what I’ve researched for syscourse (and I’ll be honest; my amnesia is kicking my ass. I know I’ve looked into it a lot but I remember very little at the moment). I certainly didn’t know anything at her creation — so how could she fit the definition of something that is often cited as having roots in a Buddhist practice?

I don’t know. Just some musings!