thedayitallstarted

[thedayitallstarted]

Mahjong

And my heart ached so so bad I cried when u left.... surprised u said ok to playing mahjong w my fam and also for the fact my mum drove to pick u up😶..(as usual what my mum would do and she ok w it) I was ok also, everything was alright only until the moment mahjong ended and we sat by the couch... sat next to you with a barrier of pillow in between.. it was just weird.. even tho it’s been awhile since but it was just weird.. I just miss the times I could lie on your shoulder, get a hug, cuddle... esp if it’s midnight just stay over... I can’t believe all those are just going to be memories... I miss the comfort I have with u, that closeness.... idk what to say anymore being in tears... I thought I’m okay or at least btr alr but I’m just so sad rn.... so much has changed...

[thedayitallstarted]

No matter what I do I still can’t seem to get u out of my head... I rlly miss the comfort of being around u and all... idk how’s it gna be like for me to fall in love again..

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Shookethhh

And just when I think it was coincidental enough to see my senior & reminisce the secondary school days (o it felt good- like SUPER THROWBACK) when I was outside talking to Jeslyn i saw Czech’s oldest bro 😱😱😱 I shook but like okay then we started talking and stuffs then he ask if I’m ok, how I am, how are things between us and I was like “oh u know?? Oh he told u?” Then he was like “no la so Long never see u come of course know smth wrong Ma” then he was like “cfm Brandan fault right, cfm” then I’m like “no legit, it takes both hands to clap ah.. one of the reason is rlly my fault that I keep imposing my expectations on him” etc etc then he sat down then we had like a deep deep convo. Told him the reason why czech and I ended, like how he feel not good enough etc because of himself and other people and me. Then he said like “aiya if it’s me I also will feel the same; esp u know my studies not that good, I will feel not good enough for my girl also” (smth like that) then I went along and said like “but sometimes it doesn’t matter also mah, just be confident and secure in who u are I’m sure girls will like that” then he sudd went on to say “although brandan and I never talk about this ah but I’m sure we feel the same always needing some achievement to prove to our dad then he will be happy” then he said like his family is like that, like when he in flying club & in OCS, he can tell his dad v happy although never say anything but when he drop out cause of his eye infection then he say like can tell his dad damn unhappy lor like disappointed.. so he said like that’s them growing up, they feel the pressure to have that cert or smth to prove then they can feel good enough... then I was like ohh.. :( then I went on and say smth like Wah I hope y’all will talk it out tgt like brothers and be close sia. Then I say like I got keep telling czech that I wish I could communicate more with his Bros which lucky I can talk to u butt I abit sad cannot communicate with his second bro lor.. then Czech’s Brother was like “cfm cannot one, we won’t one” then I was like ya la understand cause guy mah hard to h2h and stuff but I feel it’s damn impt sia :( esp for the future and all but he keep saying “cannot one la cannot”

Then he got ask me about Bangkok and I was like shook also like “oh u know also?” Then he said “yaa laa my mum got talk about it” or smth like that then I went along and kept asking like how is czech, is he okay, how’s he at home, got different anot or anyth then Czech’s bro was like “aiya if we can fight just bfr I left house just now, he should be fine la” then he say don’t worry about him alr just focus on yourself and continue to do what u love like baking. Then he said like that time he and the gf broke up he also like stop gg training and all but after awhile he realise that he shouldn’t skip what he like to do ah so that’s when he went back & continued and use that as an outlet to relieve stress. Or smth like that then just continue on abit then he ask me to take care and hopes I’m doing okay & I said like I hope he can talk to czech to see if he okay and stuff also ahh like if he need anyone or smth..

But I’m shooketh like good talk good talk? First time actually talking this much to him and even having h2h??? I was just wowed like what r the odds but wow I wish I could just text czech now and tell him all bout this.. but nvmnla I just hope the bro will tell him instead..

[thedayitallstarted]

🙃🙂

Ahh.. nice timing la

[thedayitallstarted]

😔😞 “I don’t want body to be with somebody else”

[thedayitallstarted]

Another super realistic sad dream... all the subconscious ness telling me about how I feel deep down.. 😞

Seh la woke from a damn sad dream... I dreamt that we go eat w Chef or smth then sudd Chef go expose karwah keep taking stick from Chef to smoke then never stop then Joe was like there then joe like abit in tears then sudd he brought up the issue like he also v hurt why karwah can happy happy hold hand w other people but not with him or smth then they both cry/ angry at each other then they went to one corner to talk things out and like I also got advice them like it’s both lor different perspective, both of y’all need compromise then aft they happy alr then sudd I was telling them about czech and all until I cry again damn sad.. then next moment czech got text me and send this person’s twitter acc and say like “cute anot” or smth then I like Wah cry even more that he move on so fast then in the dream somehow next scene he was there but he walk pass never say hi then he went to take photo with some girl then I reply in the text like “yea I saw u but u totally ignore me” then I cry cry then suddenly raining I also crying then he just like “oh text u later” then I Xiao hurt with the fact he moved on so fast just like that... then I suddenly in the scene where there was a competition and I was totally left alone he keep going to other girls etc and I damn hurt... something like that but it was damn sad somehow... but this time I didn’t wake up crying ah, I think like cry until cannot cry alr HAHHA I thought I felt okay/ suppressed the feeling alr but I think subconsciously and Super deep down I still feel v v hurt/ sad w the perception I got, knowing he so fast text someone else and get close to someone else... somemore other ppl tell me that the girl isn’t someone that approach guys, then they keep saying like during training they keep observing that he is the one keep going to her also.... so like zz sighpie but what to do..

[thedayitallstarted]

Closure :)

So I finally went up to approach him after training yesterday and got my msg across that I want nth our from him but simply that if he need anyone that I’ll be there and that when he finds himself, to let me know so I can celebrate with him!! And also that Idw to bring in any emotions like being angry etc and change my perspective over the whole Celeste thing.. that from where we left off, it ended on a sad note and I just wanted it to stay that way so that I don’t change my impression of him just cause I let my assumptions and emotions get the better of me. Didn’t intend to bring up Celeste name in this at all but he brought it up so I just shared how I felt, quite hurt and all ahh and explained things from my point of view and why others assume stuff and all also . But yea I found out only today also that my bro say he was quite disappointed in him for not meeting me to talk.. I told him about it and he told me to apologise to my fam about it.. and he said he misses my fam which is like 😢... so I told him like feel free to still come by see DD and all ah no harm, as friends really. So yea that’s mainly the gist of it and I’m surprised the convo was q smooth wasn’t v awk or anythh but importantly at least I got to have my last hug and kiss.. I wish I could’ve hugged him just abit longer and kissed him abit longer too but at gs lights all off and was abit awk cause the Uncle like waiting for us all HAAH but yea.. it’s precious and I won’t forget that.. ahhh suddenly I type this I wna tear.. just miss the hugs and kisses I could get from him... but yea still felt happy and contented with the closure yesterday.. rlly could be the right person but just wrong timing. Glad to hear that he really enjoyed the last 2 and half years of being tgt w me also.. shall just be grateful and try not to think much also but yea I Guess there shouldn’t be any more updates for now... probably me crying reminiscing the memories :’) but that’s the end..

[thedayitallstarted]

Heartache/heartbreak

Truly know the meaning that heartache is physical.... it’s like when you’re injured, it’s so pain that u tear up. Literally my heart just hurts I feel that pinch so much that when I continue thinking I just would tear up so help ease that pain a little... my whole body just feels weird/ in pain.. barely eat, my stomach also abit weird so when I feel pain I also abit confused sometimes isit just my stomach or my heart or both at the same time

[thedayitallstarted]

It’s not wrong for ppl to think that way and speculate cause clearly the two scenarios are v different.. u knew Joey since secondary sch so being close is fine it was a mutual thing like she’s your little Sister. Plus even then, Joey hangs out with u but not like every time also and I Guess pretty sure not texting u Everyday or smth also? But for that girl, she just a freshie and y’all literally just met. U spend so much time w her and she always sticks to u also she doesn’t even stay within her boundary and hang around w her own batch mates. So she also ruining her own reputation ah or idk maybe u give her wrong signal cause u are just v nice.. not a lot knew that we weren’t tgt alr but those of which u told that we not tgt and your reason was that u don’t feel good enough and u wanna figure yourself out and not rely on me or smth? But aren’t u digging your own hole by this action of yours; clearly misleading ppl and rlly idk ah just not doing the right thing lor. Normal trainings u would always wanna stick w your guy friends and all so I respected that and let u be. After training u always complain like why I so slow etc and wanna go ahead w your friends first. But now? U stick w her during training, same stack everything then when everyone leaving alr u wait for her to pack up and u ask your own friends to go ahead first. That’s why I say I don’t need to say anyth ppl can see w their own eyes and say things for themselves which u can’t do anyth to stop them from what they wanna say also. U rlly kinda brought this upon yourself and that’s why I just say I rlly hope u know what u are doing ah. It’s really wrong for her alr to come to u when she obv knows we broke up alr? But I also dk anyth ah maybe u lead her on? Or maybe she rlly just being a bitch to take advantage of this opportunity idk ah.. y’all seem like y’all texting now also hence I turn off my last seen so I won’t see u being online so frequent. But yea I’m holding it all in trying to stop making assumptions always circumstances clearly shows me what it is. I’m still standing on what u say gonna believe in what u told me and not think otherwise for reasons u wanna end this relationship because assuming is making an ass out of me and u. Not putting much emotions into this because I’m trying to say things objectively and reason out according to what u have posted hoping it makes sense to u and u start seeing things from different perspectives. Cause even I myself am trying to see this all in different perspective to not grow a hate and bitterness on u.. I still am constantly trying to improve myself to not be a typical bitchy person aft a break up. Trying to be a big person altho I’m so crushed on the inside.. I really hope u can read this and understand.. I never had my chance to explain my point and I left it as it is because I respect u wanting your space.. so this is my only way in hope u can read and even read till this end because this is my only hope to feel and just simply hope u know what’s going on in my mind and heart. U are not a bad person. U are such a sweet, caring, kind and comforting person, cute and tries to be funny to lift up the situation when someone is down. I will always wanna remember u as that and keep having a Friend like u. Someone I know who is loyal to their friends and v bro that u would sacrifice to be with them when they in need.. pls just have a more open mind and settle yourself in a way u really can focus yourself and not rely on some other girl..

[thedayitallstarted]

Come to think about it..

Now thinking.. actually I felt bad thinking that I never accept who u are or love u for who u are. But thinking about it I actually did, and do love u for who u are. There were some stuff I rmb u doing and it was q a turn off but I told myself like it’s okay I love u so it’s fine w me I’m willing to accept that. The only thing I know I always don’t accept or I Guess complain? Is how I don’t feel like I’m treated like a Girlfriend and it bugged me almost a lot of times. But I’m still rlly glad and so Super thankful for the effort u put in aft a few talks.. rlly appreciate it just really sad that u don’t open up and wanna fix your life problem with me.. and do things the right way, like ending it right? Idk la just sad lor.. I have so many things on my mind, so much to work on myself but I was willing to do it while alongside u, because I don’t want to hurt u.. u could’ve just been more straight up saying u need time to figure your life, Isit okay we don’t go out on dates for a period of time/ u demanding of things from me just for now? - just that and I would’ve been willing and would definitely just let u be u, give u the space. But seeing things as it is now maybe u alr have someone else on your mind and u just want me to get the fuck out. Nice

[thedayitallstarted]

And you’d still wonder if I think about u.... what’s going on in your mind rlly... it’s been 6 days I cried day and night and even throughout this rs always figuring out what’s the best for us. Yet I Guess I’m sorry I never thought of u enough..

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Nice la rlly seeing your move on how you’re just slowly removing me out of your life rlly to wanna be strangers, like we never had a history. I’m here hurting hurting so so bad because I gave u my all but here I am still trying to hold me peace not be angry, continue being understanding and even I never delete or remove u from anywhere etc, still be true to myself and show u; nothing to hide. But u rlly giving me a reason to not hold my peace and give u benefit of doubt anymore...

[thedayitallstarted]

Sometimes I wonder how much u think about me.. sometimes I rlly don’t think that u think about me as much as I do.. ahh but idk also la.. but it’s ok. Keryn hold it together

[thedayitallstarted]

“Online”

Seeing u online just keeps making me think you are texting someone.. talking to some other girl... if it rlly is I’m not surprised but zzz this just sucks la it didn’t end this way why must things be like this now or if it rlly isn’t (which I hope it isn’t and I’ll be god damn happy) why must the circumstances make it seem like it is like that... giving me every reason to think u are texting some girl.. even I never text some guy or anyth.. lol.. Guess the truth will surface out some time...