thedelilah75xl

[thedelilah75xl]

11/08

It's Sunday and emotionally I am so not in a good space. Yes at the end of the day only myself can make me happy. I realized I can not depend on anyone.

I went out with my girlfriend to a club. Live music was playing and it was a great vibe. I was wearing my gift from my master....myb little dirty secret. At the end of the day, he's not here. My friend talked to me and told me to try to move on from him. And that's he's not my happiness and must know my worth. And she said to me Im beautiful and so many men will be happy to have me, but I'm pushing everyone away because of my Master.

I just can not help what the heart wants. And the heart still wants him. Even though I know for my health I need to do something. I'm not feeling well, and think I might have an bleeding ulcer or something. My stomach hurts and I have blood the last week. Its not my period....haven't had a period in 6 years. And I'm feeling so down that I really considerd to drink pills again. I feel I have nothing to live for anymore.... And live just go on .... Yes the last few weeks I got so many compliments from strangers telling me I'm beautiful....but if they just knew I was dying inside. I don't know which way to go....I have nobody

[thedelilah75xl]

07/08

Im feeling worse than yesterday and my thoughts are so dark. I want out.....I want out . I' wish I knew someone who does this for a living....I'll pay someone to make sure I'm ....

[thedelilah75xl]

06/08

I haven't been on here for ages....and yes I'm not a happy person. I'm feeling miserable and depressed and have no reason.... I do not really know where I stand withy Master, but I'm feeling so blah today that I actually don't care anymore. I don't care. I wish I can disappear from life. I can not see a future for myself...... I lost my spark

[thedelilah75xl]

19/04

im extremely exhausted....if I slept an hour it's alot, I had a headache the whole day and just got home and took pain meds.

So we had a get together in lunch this me since we all are back at the office. And I was hugged by so many and everyone told me I look stunning, they all seem me last time when I was very skinny.

More than one of the girls told me I'm glowing.... Well then I feel I'm on the right track. Although I did not go to the gym, I will go tomorrow morning for a spinning class. I need to keep doing this until I feel better and enjoy it. I don't push myself enough if I do the normal gym. With spinning you are in a group and you don't want to look bad in front of the other people.

I need to have a relaxing weekend. I will do Spinning tomorrow morning at 7:15. Then I have a lash appointment for 10 o clock....I need to make a booking for waxing as well...then I will do absolutely nothing for the rest of the weekend..... Just requested booking for waxing.

I need to make an appointment with my gyne....he said he wanted to see me in 8 weeks but it's already 10weeks since he saw me ... I will phone on Monday. I did find out about the sponsorship with our company. So HR wanted to know how I know the person who's interested in the sponsorship and I said it's a good friend....will be a bit inappropriate telling them his my Master. So she said they really think that they might consider it... because it's wine and Citadel might get some publicity out of it .... So if we don't try we will never know.

After I told my Master that I want to know more details about his life I'm getting less and less attention. I am tired of begging and feel this way this will come to an end very quickly

[thedelilah75xl]

18/04

another day and more spinning ...still suffering and almost walked out and decided I'm not a quitter.....

At the end of the day it's only for my own benefit. To be honest at this stage I really hate the gym

I do feel so sorry for Adele and will wish she can be cancer free and we can go on with our life's together. Everybody at work see me and ask me about her, because we use to be always together. Some did not even know her cancer came back and was very shocked today. If I could turn back time it will be totally different.

So I'm sharing my whole life with my Master and we had a conversation about what we will do today and free time .... So my Master ask me why I want to know because in the past stuff like this did upset me.... why hide it ..I need to know what I'm dealing with....i need the whole picture and not just a part of it ...I also want to know him better and understand him better....even if it will cause myself to walk away.....why pretend life is just moonshine and roses.

There shouldn't be secrets between us. I'm suppose to trust him, but now I'm starting to doubt everything. Yes he does care about me, by not telling me everything, but I want to know the real him.

I'm telling him everything about my life.

[thedelilah75xl]

17/04/2024

so my day was ok... Did gym this morning, but did not push myself to the limits. I will do that with the spinning tomorrow. So I spoke to Adele, she's not in a nice space.... She's swollen, nothing of her clothes fit, because she's on cortisone

I will go and visit her tomorrow after work, because she crave human attention besides her family. We have a cocktail evening at work tomorrow, but I will not attend it. Its not nice without Adele or Lelani.

I did masterbate.. after I had my glass of wine of course. I did sleep well the last two nights, hopefully 3 in a row. Lol me ignoring as my Master called them the suitors.... actually made them to phone more and tried to get hold of me more. So I did put my phone on silent. As I'm writing this now I got a WhatsApp, Cape Town busy, but I can't wait to see you next week. Fuck....I don't want to see him.... My awkward meeting of last week is still haunting me.

Maybe we should get closure....

Then there is Johan, also could not get hold of me send me a WhatsApp, I miss you Skattebol....need to see you ..... Fuck fuck fuck!!!! Why is it always like this....when you want attention you don't get it. But when you don't want it you get it in overdrive....let me rephrase it ...I want attention from my Master....this the attention I want...but only getting it from them....

[thedelilah75xl]

16/04/2024

So it's going ok at the office...i had my one on one with my boss and they are apparently very happy with my work, and I'm technically only doing this for just over a year now and I got a very high rating from our line of sight. I'm feeling happy so the hard work is paying off.

So they also said, for me that's only doing this work in the shortest time the feedback from the assistants and managers are very positive and they enjoy working with me...so I'm still good enough for something.

So everyone is so excited to go to the 30th birthday celebration at sun city. I have mixed feelings, it's a lot of people for 3 days....and according to the itinerary it's only going to be leisure and fun. It's not going to be the same, Adele said she wants to go .. but I'm not sure if her Dr will allow this, still in-between her treatment. And my other friend Lekani left our company. I have a few friends at the office but not in the mood with small talk with them and all about their happy lifes. I over to pretend I'm happy about my life, because it's a lie...

I'm again not in a happy place in my life and feel like to withdraw myself from people. I will focus on my work and kids.... I do not want to see or talk to people anymore. I'm not going to take Johans phone calls in the evenings anymore.... and will pretend I'm sleeping.... I will not take Italians phone calls anymore, I'll pretend I'm busy with work. They will eventually get tired of trying to get hold of me.

I know at the end of the day it only myself that can make me happy

[thedelilah75xl]

12/04/2024

I do stay tired from not sleeping well. At least it's weekend. I'm not happy about the cold weather....im not ready for Winter

I want to lie down under duvet....im feeling cold. I did cheat yesterday with food....but I'm track again. I will go to gym tomorrow morning as well. I need to put in more effort....I don't feel or see a difference yet.

The last two days I got just a message from Italian I'm thinking of you....but I don't think of him to be really honest. I think its long overdue and I'm over it....i really cant remember our times together and also can not remember sex with him. I really do not think about him anymore, and do not initiate any contact from my side. I do not even feeling any excitement with the thought of him coming to Pretoria to see me.

Maybe I need to change my attitude, or maybe I need to be honest and tell him I'm not interested seeing him again. I really have no feelings for him, and are really not excited to see him again.

I did mastrubate last night but still battled to sleep. And I got cold. I am really not ready for winter....but know I have no choice

[thedelilah75xl]

11/04/2024

i did not go to the gym....I had no energy....I did not sleep and I'm going through last night in my head...how can one person I trusted at a stage driving with him on his Harley through Sandton now be such an uneasy feeling after almost 4 years.

He felt a big disconnection from my side...and yes I was nervous...but he stood up from the table to hug me and i actually froze where I stood ...

So the waiter came to take my drink order and I could not make eye contact and felt so awkward out of my skin. But I felt his gaze on me and it freaked me out. Some or other reason I deleted his number, because he did tell me that they were thinking of moving to Cape Town, and I knew I also was not going back to Sandton.... and he was just a friend who took me out for lunch a few times in Sandton.

I actually forgot all about him and he contacted me.... the only memorable thing was when he fetched me on his Harley through Sandton, and took me to a park for a picnic. He had a lot of issues and work stress and I actually disconnected because of the negativity.... Anyway, I felt in a way excited because I actually made an impression on him to think of me and drive all the way to Pretoria to meet up with me.

I'm feeling bad in a way, because he clearly had this expectation of the old me and I was totally different. I did not feel comfortable to tell him what happened in my life.... he did sent me a message telling me that I'm a very nice person.... but that did not change anything. So I replied, I'm sorry about the awkwardness and that I think the chapter closed.

I do not want to go into detail. And yes my Master and I did have words again....what he said also made me upset.... I did not have this awkwardness with Johan ....I did not see him for 10 years and it felt like yesterday. But he talks so much and there's not an awkward stare from his side.

The way I feel now, I do not want to meet up with Italian. He kept contact, and we did share intimacy....and I was as relaxed with him. Bit it's also 3years ago. Maybe I'll close that chapter as well....so he said he's in Cape Town next week and he will come through to Pretoria the week after to see me.... Will I close a whole book....maybe it's time for a new chapter and a new book...

But i think I need to get closure....but last night was a nightmare. I lost my confidence .

Yes and I do listen to my Master, he told me I love self pity and I love drama and I ove to be broken. Yes in that case I think I will not share my actual feelings anymore.

[thedelilah75xl]

10/04/2024

part two....so I met up with my friend and it was awkward from the hello till the goodbye. We actually have nothing in common and I felt so uncomfortable....maybe it's me with my issues....but I could not relax and the conversation did not flow... With my past sip of my wine I said I need to go home. And he wanted to walk with me to my car and I said I'm fine and walked away.

Truly I hope that it will not be the same with you Sir ......I must admit I'm a different person and life looks different and as he said to me I'm very intense....well I'm not comfortable and it felt so awkward....he was like a complete stramger and i felt so out of my skin.... so as I mentioned that Italian is next week in Cape Town, but want to come through to Pretoria the week after next week.....will this be a repeat of tonight??? I can not handle this. I hated tonight.... he felt like a complete stranger.

[thedelilah75xl]

10/04/2024

So it was not that busy today...but had a lot of girlfriends saying hallo at the office today. I felt overwhelmed...

I'm clearly not use to allot of people anymore. And I need to get more sleep because I felt tired and dizzy today. I actually made myself chicken kebabs for lunch, but did not eat it, because it's marinated with alot of garlic.

Because I'm meeting up with a friend I last seen in 2019, I don't want any to scare him away with my breath. So I ate a banana just to help with the dizziness.

I'm stressed, although we are just friends, he knew me as alot smaller. Yes I have major issues with my body and I have a very low self esteem. I will write further after my meeting...

Have to go

[thedelilah75xl]

09/04/2024

I did not sleep alot, and hour and half at the most.... And yea my Master and I had words again...and yes it started with something he said last night....I'm breaking him... But it will never be my intention to break him...I care deeply for him. And yes with all this shit I also could have called it a day....but how can you walk away from someone you care about.

I was also told that he wasted 2 hours of his time with me...and I take everything for granted. If I'm not worth spending time with....why be with me....

Am I not good enough.... do I not deserve time. And the thought of me breaking him as a person...does not sit well with me.

Please make the decision...if I'm only a burden and a waste of time ...let's not waste each other time.

About time, my friend who took me on his Harley in Sandton contacted me out of the blue...i did not have his number anymore...but he kept mine. He asked me for a drink tomorrow night. He actually moved to Cape Town, but still does work every second week in jhb.

I yet to give him an answer....i am stressed....i do not really know how to handle it

[thedelilah75xl]

08/04/2024

part 2....

Monday went by so quickly...too quickly... and I get pressured to meet up for a drink and I'm not up for it. I was rude for the first time and suddenly the question is ...what did I do wrong.

If you ask me for a drink and I said no, for the 5th time...get the message..... I'm not interested. The young man who send me the picture I shared about the masturbate...did send me about 5 videos of him playing with himself. It's not a turn on for me and I begged him to stop and then final picture I had to block him.

I am the one who decides what I want and not want....and I'm not interested....and nothing will change my mind. I know what I want and not....I know with the age of almost 49 I am in charge of my life.

im feeling the same about Italian, everything must happen according to his plans and it's not working for me. I have my life at this moment with work and kids, and after that I'll decide when and where.

And if this will be the reason why I'll be alone for the rest of my life ....so be it..

I'm working on myself and hates to be pressured....this is my new life and my new journey and I make the rules..... I have all the time for my Master, because after all he's the one standing besides me through everything. And I have a trust with him and I really do respect him. He's my go to person through everything. And I can tell him everything and I know it will be kept between us till I die. And he helps me through this journey even some days I'm self-destructive. He's still on my side...his my Master and my everything

[thedelilah75xl]

08/04/2024

It was a lazy Sunday, and the weekend went by to fast. Yes I said yesterday I want to focus more on other people that shows interest in me. But the feelings is just not there to do it. I can not pretend and at the end of the day I will hurt someone that doesn't deserve it.

The heart wants what the heart wants. I did go to the gym, and I'm tired. I really do not enjoy the office, it's a big adjustment. I did masturbate and slept well....

I will continue later today

[thedelilah75xl]

07/04/2024

Its a lazy weekend, I need to work a little bit today. I did went to the gym yesterday and felt good after it. It is raining since last night so its bed wheather.

So after yesterday I've decided I will take off my Master on the pedestal I placed him and will focus more on people around me. They will appreciate my attention more, and I will get the attention I want. I only focused on him and did not want to give attention to other people focussed on me.

I even asked him if I should go, because I can not fight or put my effort in someone that not interested in me anymore.

Life is short and I need to live my live as if it's the last day on earth.

I did not masturbate, I was not in the mood....

[thedelilah75xl]

06/04/2024

My hectic week is over and exhausted. It's a big adjustment to be back at the office. My body is in pain after gym this week as well. I did masturbate last night and slept well. I must say I neglected people this week, because I was so focused on work and gym and the adjustment of fetching the kids and work.

I want to relax today and have nothing planned. My one girlfriend asked me if I'm going shopping because it's time for winter stuff. Those days are long gone of just buying stuff. I learned the past two years to buy only necessities ..... I was use to shop till I dropped and bought alot....

I must say it made me More appreciative for what I have. My Master is overseas and he's sharing so much with me, and I love it. I really take my hat off to him, because he's a go getter and nothing seems to much for him. And he's making the effort with friends and colleagues it his in another country. One thing I really love about him

He loves people and the people loves him....i actually wanted to do spinning today, but I'm not feeling to well, I had a runny tummy during the night and have no energy, feeling drained. So I will take it easy

[thedelilah75xl]

02/04/2024

So my family got home yesterday, and it was so quickly back to reality....no more quiet in my home. Had so much washing to do. I did masturbate last night,.but still battled to sleep. I slept a total of 3 hours.

I got up after 4 ....and packed everything...but forgot my computer charger....and back home to fetch it. I will never forget it again. It's was so noisy in the office and something to get use to.. and as if my day was not hectic enough Italian phoned me almost 4 times...i missed his calls and eventually took the last call. He said he do not care of we don't have sex, he wants to come through to Pretoria and catch up with a coffee, en yes he wants to make the effort.

Well I'm not holding my breath and actually do not care if I ever see him again or not....my focus is on my Master and myself and that's all that matters at this stage.... I now have to do my planning very careful, with gym, work and fetching the kids from school and prepare dinner

I did all of this when I was working from home in-between. I actually now need more hours in the day. I will be working a little bit tonight, to catch up on everything. We get an hour session with a personal trainer as part of joining the gym. So the personal trainer contact me and said he wants me to be at the gym 5am...

The instructor at the spinning class was very helpful, and got off his bike to help me through the class..

I did spinning almost 23 years ago and the biles changed alot. Yes and I almost died. At the 30min market I wanted to get off and walk out....bit I'm not will not quit.

. And suffered through the class, and afterwards I spoke to the instructor and asked him how long will it take for me before I'll enjoy it. And his answer was 3-8 weeks and then I have to do spinning at least 3 times a week. And I will do it. The gym was super busy.. we are not permitted to use our phones during a session or take any photos.

I really don't know why, bit it's one of their rules.... I hope Master will be fine reading my posts now late afternoon. Because if I have to b

e at the gym at 5 am .... I won't be able to cope writing it before gym...