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[thedivinemsw]

The 'fuck you' letter that turned into a diary/book to future him

So yeah. I got this little mandala notebook at the dollar store and started writing in it over the summer. Every other page there's a mandala to color. But I turned it into a place to write personal things. Then someone took it and read it and wrote in pencil on almost every page themselves. But I'm using a hot pink pen and letting it all out. Writing it all down. Maybe even color the mandala pages nice and pretty for them. But it really did start out as a fuck you letter to the only man I've ever loved. But I can't stop writing is the thing. And then when we're having an intense conversation (via text bc that's the only way we can seem to communicate without arguing or ripping each other's clothes off. True story.) Anyway, sometimes I pull shit I remember writing there to him and use them when he's got my head and heart twisted up again. But he won't remember because he doesn't want to. It's pretty damn impressive I think. I left his "love notes" on the pages too and just wrote over them. It feels good to let it all out and just be as real as I've ever been in our life together. 20+ years is so hard to just walk away from...we may be an hour apart now but I have been over there too many times to count. It's been 2 weeks now I think? Brief timeline: met at age 11, 1996. "Dated" off and on and off and on and then off for about 5 years. 17 years old, February 15th, 2004, I officially became his girl. We got engaged not super long after I graduated high school (c/o 04) before he had to go to jail for a lil bit. He was "living" in a random persons garage and it was an awful little love shack but I was right there with him every single day. Calling it what it was, a private place where he and I could be horny 18/19 year olds. A love shack. He was down on his knees in the closet looking for something, but I wasn't really paying attention to him. I I look down and he's in front of me in one knee with his hands shaking and I didn't understand what was happening. I tried to get him off the floor bc it was so dirty, so I can't remember what all he said but what I do remember so clearly was "I heard that if you're going to do this you do it once and you do it right and do it right" then asked me to marry him. Duh. Of course I said yes. We eventually got our own /1st apt together. He went to jail for a bit and i went to see him every day and talked to him a million more times a day. He got out and put on house arrest. We got married August 19, 2006. While he was on house arrest. In my mom's backyard and it was freaking special to me. Not ideal. My best friend and I picked out my wedding ring. I bought his on a trip to NY in July 2006 where I also got my dress and decided I was going to go home and finally marry my fiance. March 26, 2008 we have our first child, Hayden Marley. February 25, 2012, we have our second child, Ava Leigh. November 16, 2014 we have our 3rd child, Lyric Presley. August 19, 2017, we celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary not together. 10 days later, August 29th, 2017, he tells me he's done being married. To me. Sorry, almost forgot the blame game he tried. He's been cheating on me for a while I guess. But I don't wanna think about the deep dark depression I was in and the spiral my life went into and what almost happened. What did happen. Maybe another day. So anyway, back on track. I'm hoping he'll actually read it. And he'll be awake enough to understand it.

[thedivinemsw]

Trust issues? No shit.

That moment when you're swiping thru Bumble and get a string of guys you freaking went to school with since elementary and also the guy who sold you your car 2 years ago. 🙄 Really? That's what I get for moving back. And then another portion are obvious party dudes from the photos they chose to use that you don't have the patience to train. 😑 I have no idea how to flirt with a man without sounding like an idiot. 14 years with 1 freaking man (aka my entire adult life) has put me at a big ass disadvantage. 😒 Fucker. It's not even that I'm trying to date. I seriously just want a little attention from the opposite sex. My husband ignored me for so long and didn't really touch me for months before we split. Is it wrong to just want attention for a bit? I'm so not ready to sleep with another man. But talking to and getting to know in a platonic at least at first isn't asking too much I don't think. I've understandably git done fucking trust issues over I gotta work on before u can let anyone in for real. If ever. He really did a number on me...

I haven't noticed another man in over a decade. But lately I've been noticing some gorgeous men around me every damn day. Eyes open now! Lol! I've gained 10lbs being here. So maybe I'll get my little bit of booty back and hopefully some curves? Well see. Maybe one day I'll be a able to trust someone enough to let them really know me... doubt it though. Head and heart aren't talking to each other right now.

[thedivinemsw]

The new normal

I finally left my husband. I packed all I could into 2 vehicles and took my kids and ran. Enough was enough and I couldn't take and more heartbreaking second of it. He put a knife thru all 4 of my tires...Last Thursday was a bad night...so we ran away. Just an hour away. But still away. Now we have to start over, me and my girls. And I'm still so hurt and angry and confused about all of it. And still very much alone.14 years just gone...

-. Lonely Girl

[thedivinemsw]

[thedivinemsw]

Regrets are inevitable here...

//In the end. You’re still hurting yourself

[thedivinemsw]

This was me Saturday morning. Wasn't in the greatest mood but I did my eyebrows and tried some colorful makeup on in hopes of a girls night. But that fell thru so I went and bought myself a bottle of vodka and some cranberry juice. Then came back home and proceeded to do what I intended to do in a different not my kidfree clean empty silent creepy sound making house. But what are ya gonna do? Beggars can't be choosers I​ suppose. I really really hate it here...and now no freaking work tomorrow/today either bc my bosses bonehead 17 year old took off in his mom's car at 10am Saturday and still at 4am Sunday isn't back and isn't answering his phone of course. So that's 2 days of $$ ruined by a penis. X penis passed out at his gf's and "didn't hear the phone ring" when I called and when he finally got up he didn't see a ton of calls and texts from me (my apparent MO) he assumed it wasn't too bad and then when he grew the nerve to actually call me, I hadn't yelled at him... that's bc I already knew I wasn't working Saturday anyways. He got home at 12. I had to be at work at 11 and it's an hour away. I wouldn't have made it. But boss beat me to it and cxl'd. Now at like 3am i get another cxl message and his idiot son is the reason for both cxl'd days. That's at least $140 that I just lost out on. Bc he can't just wait 1 more month to turn 18 and do whatever he thinks he wants to do. He had to do it now to show his dad who has the bigger balls. JFC. Typical. He asked for my advice and I gave him the way to get into his iCloud and track the ogive he had. He said it can wait til his mom gets home...next weekend 🤦 He is so outta his element with his wife gone and has no clue what he's doing. I tried but doubt any of it sunk in. If there's one thing this journey I've been forced to embark on has taught me, it's that you can't tell a grown ass man can, can't, should or shouldn't do. Bc he will ALWAYS do exactly what they want, consequences and other people be damned. One day my life won't be such a shit show. One day. I miss my old oblivious life sometimes. At least I got kissed back then...I haven't been kissed in 28 days...since the day before he told me he was done with me. I wish I could quit him like he do easily did with me...like any bad habit I've quit before...but picked back up like it was nothing...hello Newport 100s, looking at you. I quit smoking cigarettes 5+ years ago when I got pregnant with Ava. Now I'm smoking the longs, almost a half to a full pack a day sometimes. Bad habits are hard to break...he is the worst of all of mine...it's like he's a scab that won't heal bc I just can't stop picking at it...just to feel something.... Anything.... Fuck!! Why is my life such a goddamn circus sized mess? None if it is from a lack of prevention and planning on my end. I am blocked and shut down every chance I take. Fuck I just want to be divorced already. And living our lives completely 100% separately. It isn't a hard request. But nothing is ever easy for me. This is going to be difficult til the bitter fucking end. Where you'll find me in a pike of ashes in the corner. Bc this is bound to consume me if I'm not careful. This thing btwn us isn't love anymore... it's more acidic and volatile. We're completely combustible and no one is safe when we are near each other. The love we once shared has turned to venomous words and vicious accusations. We can't even really communicate civilly any other way than by text. We can't be friends right now and we have been in each other's lives for over 20 freaking years! 🤦 I want a reset button.. I want to go back to a little over a year ago. There are so many things I should have fucking seen but ignored...I might have been able to prevent all of the events that lead me here today to this very fucking moment. I might have been able to save us all. But I did the see those signs... and you can't go back in time no matter how hard you try. You can only move forward and hope you've learned the intended lesson in that hurdle. I really hate having to redo a hurdle bc I didn't learn the right lesson the first time...and I have most certainly learned all the lessons i could ever want to learn, from this entire experience. Hearts belong in jars on the counter. Brains don't make you smart. Boys are stupid. I'm never ever doing that again. Penises are evil. I've decided to become a savage heartbreaker. No serious anything with anyone. No time for that. Not interested in seeing you. Leave me alone. You can look all you want but you won't be touching. Bc I'll never let another man have something he doesn't intended to cherish and fucking keep. Im putting myself first. Priority me for a fucking change. Not going to depend on anyone else to make me happy. I'm terrified about what the next few days have in store...a lot of crazy fucked up shit had occured since Friday afternoon...and I've got a deadline of Sept 27th to try and make one last miracle happen...it doesn't look promising unfortunately. So for right now, in this very moment, I'm living for today and now. With that, I'm going to try and rest my brain for a few hours before it's time to get back up and do it all over again. ✌🏽