thedreamilydeafeningconnois-blog

[thedreamilydeafeningconnois-blog]

We need a spooktober version of this, doot.

[thedreamilydeafeningconnois-blog]

[thedreamilydeafeningconnois-blog]

[thedreamilydeafeningconnois-blog]

[thedreamilydeafeningconnois-blog]

[thedreamilydeafeningconnois-blog]

As I'm sitting here typing this post I am rethinking a lot of shit. I tend to.....like people really fast. Hey in all honestly its not my fault. its my zodiac sign and its just who I am. When I get interested into someone its hard for me to go up to them because I am a shy mess. I think of all the things I want to say but when I look at that person it all just seems to go away and I wanna crawl into a dark corner of my room and never come out. I wish this didn't happen but sadly it does. I was honestly convinced that I would never find anyone because of that....well not just because of that. it was also because I thought that I wasn't pretty enough. This is what this post is going to be about today. my back story and how I feel till this day that I am NOT pretty enough to have a boyfriend. 

    It started in elementary school honestly. Like any 4th grader in this world I had a massive crush on this kid in my class. He was the “popular” kid. everyone knew him and he was never alone. Like ever. So all throughout my 4th grade year I was crushing on this boy hard. Yea there were other boys I liked but not as much as I liked him. Now may I tell you that I lived in my hometown most my life. the only time that I moved was when my stepdad was station somewhere else. But that only lasted a good two years. Then I came back. Anyways...where was I? oh yea, so this boy was my first ever real crush. I was a kid who focused on all my school work and extracurricular activities. she should have felt real damn special. My friends knew that I liked him a shit ton. they wanted me to go talk to him. be friends and see where that goes but like I said I was a shy little shit so that didn't happen...that year. I talked to him on the last day of school during field day.(a day where everyone in the school got to do fun stuff and barbecue) I asked him to sign my yearbook. my thing with yearbook signings was that I would have people sign it BUT I wouldn't read it till I got home. So when I did go home the first thing I did was take my ass into my room and open that damn yearbook. I wasn't really a popular girl in school but somehow I managed to get a shit ton of signatures. I scanned through all of them to look for the one that I had been waiting for. Let me tell you, when I found his signature I SQUEALED and had the biggest damn smile on my face. He not only signed his name but he left me a note saying that he couldn't wait till next year to see me and that I had a really pretty smile. Now can you guys picture my fucking excitement? This fucker complemented me and I was so fucking happy. Who knew that that was the start to our friendship. he turned out to be one of my best guy friends. 6th grade comes around and my crush is still strong for him. I had to endure him getting girlfriends, seeing them rip his heart out and use him for shit. I wanted to so bad beat the crap out of those girls but I couldn't because I don't do violence. (unless you make me hella mad. and when I do get mad its not pretty. at all) My friend kept telling me to ask him out. I of course didn't want to because I didn't want to ruin our friendship...and I'm scared of rejection. they kept harassing me about it. thats when one pf my other friends told me that he told them that he liked me and wanted to go out with me. I was overjoyed. I put on my big girl pants and went to him. I didn't even care he was with a few people. I felt that if he liked me nothing could go wrong. NOPE I WAS WRONG. He told me he went interested in me like that and he never would be. everyone laughed at me. I couldn't believe that the bitch lied to me but then she was laughing about it too. I didn't talk to her for 2 years. ignored the shit out of her ass too. But to my surprise him and I continued to be best friends up until the end of 8th grade. thats when he moved away. I was miserable for a couple days but he told me not to stay sad because he would see me again. he said this wasn't goodbye but a see you later. So that was the end of that. 

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Introduction

Hello, 

Seeing as this is my first post I'm going to introduce myself to the extent where I don't actually expose myself. So lets get the first thing out the way. Yes, I am a woman. I am over the age of 20 but under the age of 30. So I guess we can agree that I'm still young. My life is pretty fucked up at the moment and I don't know how to unfuck it up. I have never had a boyfriend. Never...not even one. Sad I know but no guy has showed any interest in me. They want the blonde white girls. thats what they all want. no one has ever looked my way and I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed not pretty enough for anyone. I will go into detail on these subjects in different posts just so you can get a clear image on what's going on with my life. so yea thats all I'm gonna say in this post but I promise there is so much more to tell. 

Oh yea and I forgot. I'm in love with a married man.