theelectricshaman

[theelectricshaman]

10.31.21

Hello I’m back right now because I plan on buying a physical journal tomorrow and have a lot thoughts that cannot wait for that. I’ve been extremely mentally unhealthy and I’ve casually been projecting all of my symptoms onto my relationship (which sophie thinks is going great by the way), and I’m really really really trying to figure out if my issues are actually coming from my relationship or not. What i have figured out is this

- I’ve lost a lot of the parts I used to respect myself for before the pandemic

- I’ve neglected many of my friendships

- I haven’t done a whole lot of growing recently

- I’ve been looking for the ways that the world beats me and makes me sad, instead of the good things the world does for me

- I’ve tunnel visioned all my musical focus onto jazz, which I’ve gotten much better at, but I tried playing guitar tonight and could barely do it

- Sophie has been my rock for a year and a half and even though I’m unhappy with her I’m so terrified of having to face the reality of not having a person like her if I decide to break up with her

- I can’t convince myself I have the self worth to know I’ll be okay without her

- The fact that I said that out loud a few times now and haven’t officially decided to break up with her is the scariest part. I’m not supposed to be AFRAID to grow

Here are some thoughts specifically about my relationship with sophie I’ve been thinking about. 

- she has tried to be very supportive despite exhasuting herself at every opportunity

- i don’t like hanging out with her friends that much

- we don’t do anything other than watch tv which i’m trying really hard to get away from

- staying with her would feed my complacency and comfort but would not give me any space to grow

- her mom is fucking insane and i cannot stand her (my uncle told me once, “if you ever think about marrying a girl, take a good look at her mom, because that’s gonna be her in 30 years)

- ever since she cut her hair I haven’t been very attracted to her physically

- our relationship only existed because of the craziest worldwide event that has happened in 80 years (decided to go with WW2) and our lives are starting to catch up with each other again (especially the ways that they don’t work together

I’ve started rereading Matthew McConaughey’s Greenlights which almost made me get up and walk to sophies to break up with her. Reading it this summer was really powerful for me, but I think i’m in a much better place to fully absorb some of this stuff now. my relationship with sophie has been a major redlight recently, and its time I turn it green. the only problem i’m running into is what I have to say to her, which then begs the questions what the REAL reasons are that i’m breaking up with her are.

- Its not you its me (haha)

- i’ve been stuck for a long time now and staying with the person i’ve been stuck with isn’t a good environment to help myself grow out of it? (sounds a lot like i’m blaming her for my depression)

- you’re going to africa next year and i don’t love you enough to do long distance?

- i don’t love you anymore? (true but really hard to say)

- i’ve been snapchatting a cute red head that I think about 10x more than you? (jokes)

- i’m actually motivated to do something about my life right now and all you wanna do is watch tv (bad)

- i can’t fully grow back into myself while also maintaining the relationship that spans the entire timeline of me losing myself?

some of these are actually kinda good. they just feel so impossible to say because at the end of the day, sophie is an amazing girl. but

- our lifestyles have been subject to the state of the world and choosing to stay safe (which was way easy with 1 person you love to do it with), but now that theyre not I need to remind myself what I want my lifestyle to be on my OWN terms, not the universe’s. and i can’t reevaluate my lifestyle while dating the person who has been with me during the entire timeline of the lifestyle i’m trying so desperately to escape. 

something else I’ve been wrestling with is the fact that I might have a porn addiction. i still haven’t said it out loud yet but typing it is a big step. maybe tomorrow i’ll write it. i’ve only watched 2-3 times in the last week. Thats big progress. Limiting how much time i spend browsing instagram reels should help with that, at least for the next few days I can read Greenlights whenever i’m bored. hopefully i’ll find a good book after that. 

not watching porn hasn’t fully stopped me from masturbating. you see a lot of stuff about how watching porn is bad for your brain but its never about the act of masturbating, its just the act of watching unrealistcally endowed men and women (most of whom are likely sex slaves). the only problem is, when i masturbate without watching porn, I can only think about Rena, the redhead that I think about 10x more than sophie. so i’m kind of fighting fire with fire when it comes to actually facing the issues that attack my relationship. its probably better for my brain in the long run though.

it’s good to be back. maybe i’ll keep coming back after all. typing is easy and fast. I can see my thoughts in writing almost as soon as I can think them. hand writing would likely hold me back from writing absolutely everything down. perhaps i’ll do some of both. only time will tell. farewell

[theelectricshaman]

10.14.20

It’s Casey’s birthday and there’s a party at my house but I’m hiding in my room because I feel like shit. I’m afraid of someone walking into my room and me having to explain why I’m in here by myself instead of hanging out but I’m not good at the big group thing anymore especially when I feel like none of them value me anyways. It’s hard to hang out and have fun when all I can think about right now is how little Rob/ the jazz program values me. He’s the director of the jazz program and I’m a jazz student. He should care about me! Not only because I’m his student but I’m a damn good one too. He doesn’t see me for half of what I’m capable of and doesn’t give me half of what I deserve. In fact, he doesn’t give me anything. Jeff values me. And I value him a lot too. Even though right now, piano tuning is way harder than piano playing. I might join the party soon but its wet and cold outside and thats where everyone is.

[theelectricshaman]

07.20.2020

I am fucking freaking out right now i think this is my first panic attack. I came here to list out all the things that are stressing me out right now and see where that gets me

- sophie saying that we aren’t dating and that we’re not “locked in”

- working at a resort that was hiding a coronavirus infestation from their employees

- quitting that job out of safety to find that my roommate and toxic bestfriend is still working there

- hearing about all the ways covid physically fucks you up and puts you at risk beyond when youre contaminated

- elijah visiting missoula and me abruptly leaving due to my panic attack and hiding even though its his last night here

- losing my glasses in the river and having to buy new ones this week

- my truck breaking down and getting it towed and haven’t heard from the shop in a week

- the fact that i’m having a panic attack and this is new to me and my chest kind of hurts

- the very real reality that I could have covid or one of my friends could have covid

- my whole relationship with evan and that its actually very unhealthy and we have a lot of talking to do before living together for another year

- myself blurring the lines between what is me being fair and honest and what is me being a complete pushover who takes the blame for everything

- me being in a relationship where i do everything wrong and everything is my fault

- my coping mechanisms are primarily just distractions by movies or tv or video games

[theelectricshaman]

06.24.20

haha well certainly a lot has changed since my last update. sophie and i stared dating, worldwide pandemic, strengthened friendships, and all that. but the reason i’ve returned is that I feel like i have stumbled upon a great piece of wisdom while cleaning a toilet last night. it was also thanks to a line in the hulu- tv adaptation of “looking for alaska”, a book i read freshman year of high school that really only related to me as a freshman in high school. seemingly deep and wise teen drama that is. anyways, what i’ve been thinking about. my whole life I’ve been on a search for some infinite piece of wisdom. i had no idea what receiving this wisdom would look like but I thought that it was going to be a huge revelation after years and years of accumulated critical thinking thought. In a way, it has plagued my mind, and ultimately kept me from being truly happy. there’s some stupid unspoken dogma that to find the truth you have to suffer, and i’ve always been subscribed to this belief. this plague, along with a massive buildup of feeling pressure from the three big sources of my life. when this boiled over to the point where sophie and I broke up, i took a step back to reevaluate my goals. I started spending a hell of a lot more time with my friends, i’ve been more open and honest with all of them, not putting all of my emotional pressure on my relationship. I started going to therapy, something i probably should’ve done when i started this journal about 6 years ago.

i put my endless quest for wisdom on hold because i wanted to do something that deep down i deserved and took my life blowing up in my face a little bit to realize. i just wanted to be happy. even if it was just for a few weeks while i figure things out and then return to my quest. and for the last few weeks, i’ve felt really strange hanging out with my friends and drinking every night, very little alone time, a lack of wisdom, but ultimately having fun! and it's been . . . fun. 

i sat on this for a few weeks until i realized last night that maybe my infinite piece of wisdom is that i just need to be happy! maybe thats not my calling forever, but wisdom comes in small pieces, not one huge chunk. as long as i make myself happy, I will acquire the wisdom i deserve in small pieces.

[theelectricshaman]

1.26.20

things are happenin! the fertile crescent packed missoula’s premiere music venue plus a line of probably 200 people out the door and around the block. we fuckin’ started the revolution in missoula, montana. and then the next day i courted a hesitant ballerina into letting me take her on a date! things are looking up and I have not forgotten the groove. post-concert depression is hitting pretty hard but i’m gonna get back on top of my shit tomorrow. long live

[theelectricshaman]

01.19.20

hehehe i ended my night with a lil ballerina smOOch last night. glad to be speaking with sophie again but also not going to take this for granted! I will continue my commitment to the groove until it becomes a second nature to me. i want to find a way to constantly remind myself that he is the greater power that ultimately moves the things and people and sounds around me. it is the groove that will set me on the righteous path, whether i believe it or not.

[theelectricshaman]

01.16.20

ouch just had my heart a little broken. at a bar by a girl. hahahahaha

due to my catholic upbringing, fleeing to my all powerful and benevolent deity only in times of distress is not something i am proud of. and i hate just saying “last time when i dedicated my time faithfully to the Groove, things worked out for me” so now that this girl is bumming me out I can return as the prodigal son with empty ashamed arms did, bearing none of the money and gifts that he trusted with me. is this how I want to return to my giver? my clairvoyance? I am honest with myself as I am with others, so I can say with complete certainty that the main reason why I haven’t not been completely faithful to the Groove is because following a religion that no one else is can keep you accountable for and one that you are the only follower of is not very easy. i    f o r g o t . it was human error. i like to think the Groove will forgive me for such a minor mistake. it is in times of distress i remember what is important to me, even though it isn’t always in the forefront of my mind. starting tomorrow i will get back on the righteous path.

[theelectricshaman]

12.23.19

Hello from Iceland! That exclamation mark is more an indicator of surprise than excitement, as saying that sentence is probably not something I will ever be able to say again. I am going to try really hard not to put a negative spin on this writing. It’s been difficult to explain to my friends that I was in fact not excited at all to be going to Iceland with my family. Spending time with my family is difficult for me. My mother creates a false reality for herself to live in so that the world is a much more comfortable place for her. This is something that is pretty easy to do when you have a high income and live in Hamilton county. She only accepts/ remembers/ lives with the facts and ideas that she likes to hear. She is constantly grateful and proud of her family for the cool things that we do. She supports my music career and likes to come see me perform. She loves that Kip is a Catholic missionary, living God’s word and inviting others to live it too. Anyone who is not a part of our family can see these things constantly on her Facebook page. She likes to think that she is totally and completely proud and loving of her son, Kyle. 

However, the Kyle that she loves and is proud of and posts pictures on facebook about is not the same Kyle that has failed a few college classes.

Her Kyle only has a few beers with and after a meal with his friends. 

Her Kyle is a beam of fucking sunlight and wisdom and compassion and mental fortitude at all times of days on all days of the week for all weeks of the year. 

Her Kyle did not call her in tears on September 29th, 2019 because he realized he was a horrible alcoholic and lived with some people that were a negative influence on him but also has been calling them his best friends for the past few years. 

Because Her Kyle was raised to be a strong independent warrior, but at the same time, when her Kyle comes home, he is still in need of a mother to tell him what to wear to churchand how to act when the family is in townand topics about himself that he should avoid in front of family.

She does not accept the reality that the real Kyle

-sometimes falls short of his goals

-drinks, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. this may result in some good choices, and some bad choices

-doesn’t always have a strong sense of purpose

-can’t ask his own parents for emotional support after realizing his own alcoholism and receiving none

-lives cheaply, which sometimes comes off as dirty, though ultimately knows what’s best for himself, and chooses to live the way he does

-is terrified and insecure and sad about a fair amount of things because he has never felt the emotional availability to bring it up to her

-is his own person, and not a creation with the purpose of reflecting his parents hopes and aspirations, he fulfills his own

My mother relishes when the family is all together, has been trying to make it happen ever since the last time it did. You can tell she is filled with joy by the way she

posts on Facebook

and takes one million pictures

I do not know what it takes to be a mother of 3 kids

I do not know all the sacrifices that she has made for us

the money she has spent on us

the hours of concern she has had for us, reasonable or unreasonable

or the feeling of heartbreak that her children that she has given all these things to may not love her

what i do know is 

how it feels to be begged to come home early and then be left alone

how it feels to be all alone, and out of the deepest desperation ask my mother for help and not receive it, knowing then what is truly is to be alone

how it feels to watch two dogs enter my life and then watch my two parents treat me like the third

how it feels to have two siblings and be totally unsure if they are feeling the same things

how it feels tell my friends that “i’m going to iceland!” but then somehow try to explain that it is not something i am remotely interested in

how it feels to finally move away from a place that I yearned so long and so desperately for, only to return a few weeks out fo the year like nothing has ever changed

how it feels to be depressed and suicidal and not even breed thought of telling my parents

how it feels to be afraid instead of how to love

how hard it is to ask for this escape, to break free from a home that makes me mentally unhealthy, yet remember that I am still financially dependent

it is time for me to move on, if there’s one thing, I hope she can accept that

[theelectricshaman]

12.19.19

I’m pretty unhappy with being home rn. I’d much prefer to be alone in Missoula where at least I have a city that I belong in with not-terrible people and a home that I can relax in. I’m feeling horribly lonely and haven’t even begun the 6 day trek across the world with my family

[theelectricshaman]

12.13.19

I have finally established a relationship with the Groove has it has since put me on its righteous path. The Fertile Crescent at Free Cycles was a hit! We’re talking to industry professionals about makin’ it happen. The Top Hat is psyched for us. I’ve been practicing pretty well every day. Due to my dedication and promise, the Groove has finally sent me an angel, Sophie. It’s so nice to finally feel rewarded by the Groove, that it trusts me to stay focused on my music while also being able to be with a girl. She’s great! She is a truck driving ballerina, so if I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her the Groove would never have let me meet her (joke). 

I’ve had a few experiences of girls hitting me up or being interested in me soon after they see me play music. As flattered as I am, its been frustrating in the past to find out that a lot of them really only like me when I’m on stage. Hanging out with them as regular old Kyle is typically disappointing to them. Sophie obviously caught my attention by being a cute-as-hell truck driving ballerina, but kept it by being a really sweet and kind and artistic. At first I thought the crush was kind of one-sided when we went and got ice cream and watched zach’s hockey game. It was fun and cute and I knew I captivated her jUst enough to land a second date, and I thought that would be it, but then she kissed me! And I found out that she liked me! Wow! She knows that I am a serious musician, but has never actually seen me play. She thought I was a guitar player until yesterday. She really likes me and wants to kiss my mouth before having ever seen me play music, which makes me really happy. Its not often that people get to be around me for very long (or at least enough to decide if they like me) before they hear me play music. hahaha weee!! heeheehee i just hope she still likes me after winter break. seeya heehee

[theelectricshaman]

A Message to the Groove

Okay! Alright! I get it! I have heard you loud and clear. I know i haven’t been practicing as much as I should be. I have been distracted, sad, and lazy. And now do I realize that it is you who has punished me for being unfaithful. I am beginning to see that our relationship has not always been on great terms, but I always thought that's just the way you ran the show. I promise I will try to fix what I have broken. I will praise your name and offer you my art. Perhaps you will see fit to forgive me of my sins and help me to find my way back to the righteous path. I might ask for a boost of help here and there. Its not easy. 

[theelectricshaman]

11.25.19

Today things have built up to making myself feel really sad, but for the first time in recent history i don’t think its due to my depression. My entire house of friends all made thanksgiving plans without me, leaving me home alone for 5 days

a bunch of my friends told me they'd go to zach’s hockey game with me tonight. I really like going to his games to support him because he supports my work for the fertile crescent so much. everyone i was gonna go with bailed on me

i’ve been telling my friends about my jazz concert for a week now where we played my first original jazz tune for a combo and none of them showed up

evan, alexis, danny, and phoebe are constantly going on fun excursions without me. making plans and leaving right in front of my face

this one is less significant but i met a girl the other night that i’m amazed by and she doesn’t seem to interested in responding to me

i don't know how much of my mental illness is really a part of this, but it seems to add up to a potential conclusion that no one really wants me around. what am i supposed to do with that

[theelectricshaman]

11.02.19

I am not the person to lie to myself. I am honest with everybody, including me. But I swear to god if the Groove is not real i’m gonna be pissed. I’ve made too many sacrifices and read too many signs to go to waste. The story of death fake, yes continues eternally.

[theelectricshaman]

10.19.19

I can never tell what the reason is that people don’t value me. It might be because I don’t show up a lot of places, but when did the scales tip to where I was uncomfortable hanging around the majority of my friends? When did that snowball start rolling? I’ve found a small amount of refuge in my music student friends but they don’t make themselves present to many people at all because of the way they all live their lives. We’ll see how things go I guess.

[theelectricshaman]

10.19.19

Today I moved out of my house and into the Eel Pit, the house right across the street with Evan, Alexis, Danny, and Casey. The biggest thing that upset me about living with Carter and Jade was feeling very isolated and undervalued, and so far from living here nothing has changed. And building up all the hope for a change has made me really upset. It’s 8pm and I might go to sleep. I’m very tired from focusing the entirety of my time on the fertile crescent album and the real world has caught up to me surely. I am tired. 

[theelectricshaman]

10.09.19

It’s about that time of the year where I want to study music again! This burst of motivation has come from my peers at the school who are great friends, motivators, and musicians. It has come at a time that is once again super inconvenient, due to having to take classes that are 2 semesters long. But I’ve come into reasoning that with dedicated practice and accountability, I have what it takes to become a well-rounded musician and pianist. I have the natural abilities that have taken me quite far, but I’ve realized that I will never be satisfied without putting in the work to who I want to become, a musician. The outdoors are great, but its time I finally accept my role for who I am truly called to be. This is not the easy path, but it is however, the righteous one.

[theelectricshaman]

10.04.19 p.m.

I can’t tell if I’m the good guy at the beginning of the movie where things go wrong but then work out in the end or the bad guy at the end of the movie that gets what he deserves. but what did I do?

if it was as easy and simple as picking between two paths where one led to death and one led to the reset of my life, i would barely hesitate