theenigmaofherself

[theenigmaofherself]

I've really convinced myself that our breakup is inevitable and that it's better to get it over with sooner rather than later. He wants kids, I think having children at this point is irresponsible. He wants to buy a house and settle down, I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck I have to offer this world.

Because I know that my grocery store job will not sustain me forever.

And I will not be his broodmare.

[theenigmaofherself]

It is truly surreal that tumblr has once again become my dumping ground of secrets, ten years later.

[theenigmaofherself]

I'm literally forming plans to break up with my boyfriend and move out while he is asleep in our room. It's terrible, but I haven't felt like myself in so long, and I think I finally have the healthy support I need to make it through a breakup without relapsing. Because I am absolutely addicted to the idea and structure and social acceptability of relationships.

[theenigmaofherself]

forever gaslighting myself

[theenigmaofherself]

I have like 20 people coming over to my house tonight and I'm in my room crying

[theenigmaofherself]

trying to socialize but having nothing to offer to any conversation ever

[theenigmaofherself]

“My husband got involved with a younger woman at work.  I was relaxed about it at first.  He’s thirteen years younger than me, so I thought: ‘Shit happens.’  But then she got pregnant.  Luckily through the divorce process I had the opportunity to take over this shithole place with no heating, which I’ve turned into an art studio. And now I’m living my best life.  Everything is for sale except the pink chandelier and the dog.  Anyone is free to stop by at anytime.  You can eat or drink whatever you want.  All the young people in the neighborhood love me.  I’m the oldest person in our friend group.  Everyone else is in their twenties or thirties.  They call me Queen Mama.  I call them my adopted kids.  I always help them with their school projects and resumes and interviews.  I only ask one thing in return.  Each of them has to teach me one new thing every week: a piece of music, a trend, an idea.  Just so I can stay up to date.  Before you take the photograph, let me go inside and put on some make-up.  We were out until 2 AM last night.” (Amsterdam, The Netherlands)

[theenigmaofherself]

[theenigmaofherself]

just feeling like a piece of human garbage, as per usual

[theenigmaofherself]

my new roommate facetimes with someone EVERY NIGHT and it is further cementing my loneliness in the world

[theenigmaofherself]

cried at work today happy frickin thursday

[theenigmaofherself]

a good friend of mine is moving in with my boyfriend and me because her boyfriend just broke up with her.

she and my boyfriend have butted heads in the past.

as you can imagine, it is causing a lot of tension.

[theenigmaofherself]

everything feels like too much today.

[theenigmaofherself]

the moon asks a question by dirgewithoutmusic

illustrated by purutsukid

[theenigmaofherself]

“I’m seventeen.  I’m doing my best to convince myself that we’re all beautiful in our own way, but it’s not so easy.  I look at all the pretty things my friends have: their bodies, their lips, how they wear their hair, or their make-up, even their personalities.  Some have such pretty personalities.  I wish I could be one of those people who laugh and talk for hours without stopping.  Instead I just hide in the back of class and try not to draw attention to myself.  I wear baggy clothes.  Anything not to be noticed.  But I’m trying to change.  I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone.  I’m searching for plus-sized models online.  Women who are bigger, but still confident and beautiful.  I’m wearing less black.  I never used to wear colors because they emphasize your curves.  But now I’m wearing colors.  I even wore a dress recently.  Not to school, of course, but to dinner with my grandparents.  It was blue and had white flowers.  My dream is to eventually go to the beach.  The water was such an important part of my childhood.  My grandparents had a little beach house and we’d go every summer.  But I haven’t been to a beach in over five years.  Well, I did go once.  But I sat on the shore, and watched everyone’s stuff, and took their photos for Instagram.  Next time I’d like to actually go in the water.  Wearing a swimsuit.  If I can do that, and have the time of my life, and feel that I’m allowed to show myself, my insides and my outsides—then I’ll know I’m finally where I want to be.” (Amsterdam, The Netherlands)

[theenigmaofherself]

very fun that instead of becoming healthier as an adult I'm just developing more and more physical and psychological issues

[theenigmaofherself]

am stressed.