theeverydaylifeofanavgperson - Tumblr blog

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

So here we are.its been a while since j (that’s what we will call him) and b (that’s what we will call her) were together.

It was alright at first but things were getting out of hand she was just there all the damn time.like J should know how we work as a family. We don’t like it when people are shoved down are throats and there is a right way to do it.in this case it was not the right way. B just doesn’t really relate or try to. She was fine nothing truely wrong yet at this point but she was always there we couldn’t have just cousin time,and she doesn’t tell J to just hang with your family she has to be here too? *sigh* it was like that for a long time. We had issue with secret Santa and yeah it made sense why would she be included .yeah ok P was included but he’s had history he made the effort to come out all that year and has always come through for the family for as long as I can remember. What the heck you gunna compare B to P that’s bullshit. He’s done more for me and the family than she ever has. So then you decide to remove yourself from our own secret Santa okay there. Nothing good has come from this relationship the lies,the betrayal the audacity to just put her above us.cant even function a few days without J?wow how “grown up” it’s just frustrating cause without her around J is normal his normal self but when she’s here it’s just not it. I dunno I just need to brain dump. First it’s like we’ve lost J to the girl who just seemed to fk it up. And then my aunt is also being absent too. Almost like they have decided they don’t want to be part of this family anymore at least that’s how I feel l don't know. Things have been crazy, just I dunno I try to help but it just doesn’t work or maybe I am just not worth listening to or whatever.we had many talks but they didn’t seem to do anything. But Bs family steps in and J all of a sudden he’s listening ….not cool.they talk shit about J and you still stay?knowing what the family thinks of you? Every choice made while in the relationship has not been good. Making your sister sleep in the living room so you and B could just do it? Doing it with your sister in the same room? Seeming like your sister is second in your life when you are supposed to be the kuya?the protector…. Who do you think you are just never responding not even a what’s up guys.after all my brother and cousin have done for you.you just going to leave them out to dry all for some ass?really?after all the shit we’ve been through you really just going to write us out? I’m so fkin frustrated

Then there is my aunt…..where have you been?you aren’t getting any younger and you don’t want to hang out with your brothers?your family?all because your husband did some dumb shit? These are your siblings your flesh and blood! And you are just going to never show up? The holidays are coming. And I don’t know how this is going to play out.

It’s fucked up how we are older now but everything is being so childish and just not owning up to anything.

*sigh* I’m too fuggin old for this.WE ARE too old for this.

But if that’s how they want it so be it.i don’t choose this for them.they are grown ass adults and picked chose this way .only time will tell but obviously the times didn’t mean shit cause where has the time gone……when it’s gone it’s gone you can’t have it back. Suck that there seems to be a gap now how long this will last this time I don’t know.the only difference this time around is that it’s one side choosing to not speak and not all parties this time around. I hope my dad is okay and I hope my uncle is too because my aunt chose to not see them not the other way around. So that’s that.

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Sometimes you spend your time getting people together. But I realized… when you stop looking for people they stop looking for you. Group activities slowly being solo ones and people around you just dont align or have the same interests anymore. It’s growing up i guess. It’s depressing but i will live.

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

It’s just a game.

Okay rewind. Growing up games have always been a part of my life. Games I guess were an escape from the troubles of life. As people we only have so much time in the day and to me it isn’t about the materials i get but the time i spend. So if i want to play games with you it means that i want to spend time with you. But lately its just been a chore to get people to play with. I also have to play with someone that i dont really want to give the time of day anymore. But i do because everyone around me is not the the problem. And i am not an asshole So i wont be a dick just because a person is here and i dont really associate with them anymore. Maybe for another post i will rant about people but this not this one. Games have just been a very important thing in my life its gotten me through some tough times. Growing up playing platforms being the hero to me was the best. I remember playing megaman x on Super Nintendo it was a good time. I felt the struggles of X and feeling weak unable to support his team and conquering that game just game gave me the sense of accomplishment and made me want to be the hero. Kingdom hearts although an confusing game helped me deal with loss, struggle, pain just the shit Sora had to go through just resonated with me. I know these are just games, and Games are just games but they have been what helps me cope and deal with my own internal struggles. It’s probably the only thing that i have thats been a consistent way or me to cope with things. I have goals in games and i usually want to do everything if an to reach it but i dunno. Sometimes i just want to indulge alone. Just because i realize there cant always be people there to share the moment and there cant always be the people in my life to share in what i love about playing games. How a person plays the game tells you a lot about someone not all but a lot. The way they act to their team, to their friends it shows. So games right now are conflicting i guess. I think thats why i reverted some of my life to TCGs as they just my earliest stage of coping and just escaping I think maybe i just add to much sentiment to things people might think its stupid but to me they are part of me and help me just live. So sure yeah i know i have some moments where playing games are because i just like to play games. But the moments in them are supposed show something to me and even in games like league i find the positive. But i have negative connotations with that game now but i like to play it with my friends. It’s a very conflicting scenario i dont get a chance to undo things as life doesn’t work like that, my life sure doesn’t work like that. And yeah its up to you how you live blah blah blah but to an extent. I feel like those who just blindly say that well its a bit ignorant but i know they arent wrong but ya know what size doesn’t fit all and thats probably why i escape to video games there is a common end but sometimes there are many ways to achieve it solo, party, or auto play to just see the out come. I dunno I’m just brain dumping cause i can hear people tell me “what’s the big deal its just a game”well it is just a game but replace game with something that help you in. Your life and see how internally conflicted you get. That’s what games are to me and i just find solitude in them. Thanks for listening

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Okay, so here we are Christmas, I am a happy camper but at the same time I’m not. That moment this year when you open yourself fully exposed and then it just gets stabbed at welp. I would have rather you be blunt and shallow to my face and not me just knowing or thinking it. It really bad and i think that’s why i dont open myself up to some people i like or think we could work and i just find an excuse like they are vegetarian and it would never work. Things like that because I know i am not the prettiest person in the world but yeah it is what it is. besides I’ve got way to much baggage for someone else to come along and help me carry it

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

So i think I’ve come to a conclusion that maybe i neeed to stop fooling myself. I dont think there is anything there and i am nothing more than a convenient conversation. In regards to finding a significant other its usually physical attraction where i dont win. I then feel crappy payout how i look and it’s just a mentally beating as till i come full circle. Sure its nice that its helping me with my health. It just slowly waddles away at my self esteem. I put a front of how awesome i am and my love and care. But really that is all i got.

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

So, its 3:49AM.. i cant sleep so i distract myself with shows and everything, i have kinda fallen in this hole of wanting to keep myself busy. Cause thoughts of you just fill my mind.i know i already got an answer but i really do feel like we could be much more, i want your decision to be without anything holding you back, like telling your parents about the break up or anything that holds your mind, or heart to him. I don’t know I will wait as long as i can, but eventually i think i wont be able to wait anymore. But again i could be waiting for nothing, or i could be waiting for something really special. I want you to want to be with me, talk to me , and all the things, but honestly the more i think about it the more i look at myself and go ...man tbh i dont think there is much to want. But that’s okay

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

i’ll try again in due time

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Dreams

Lately Dreams have been very real. Dreaming of us on a date and then Dreaming about us in school ( weird i haven’t been in school for a long while ) But the scenario played out so real. You and I went to our lockers grabs some books walk to class. Only difference this time he was there too but i paid no attention to him(kinda reflects how i do this as of the past few years in regards to him) but the dreams are nice lol

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

First Dates

First this isn’t your typical first date, we’ve been really close friends for a long time and tbh i’ve been honest with her since the beginning (besides the telling her i like her like a billion) that remained a secret for awhile.First Dates are nerve wrecking LOL. 

Welp First First date. i mean i been waiting in my subconscious for Well iunno 4 years? or something crazy like that  LOL. We have so much great history and the best part is its all on emotional level we never really went out cause well yeah very rarely did we go out on our own (just us 2). its even worse when its with someone you think is the most perfect being in the universe! Yea yea yea i get it its super cliche and just corny but to me she is perfect.Yeah, looking back at all the older posts and alot of these are about her not too sure if she will ever see this stuff but who knows sometimes i share this page with people, ( like right now its 2 and they don’t even look anymore so no one is here hahaha) . Sure there are a lot of areas that are unknown but to grow into a person,to grow with a person, to grow along with them. That sound great. Sure sometimes they grow faster than you but that’s what we are here for right? Pick each other up when we are down, grow to love each other, and just explore the rest of life together. Embracing you, and just seeing you sleep calmly and i think you drooled on my arm hahah well it was all great

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Being a good person

I can't help myself. I am being a good person by not saying to you how I feel cause that would be bad in character. You are getting treated so bad. You cry so much your not being treated with respect. I care so much and I want to help you but all I can be is the heart, emotion, care, love backbone but I know how you love to go out adventure to other countries and I dunno how I could or even if I could do that. But i shouldn't even be thinking this. Cause you are not a single woman. And it's wrong for me to intrude. So part of me. Hopes you can see this on your own. I am a mess and I shouldn't be you are just so wonderful, and a great human being.

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Moms

Mom, a mother is usually there. There for her children there when they are hurting there when they are smiling. This is where I get jealous. I don’t have these things, she wasn't here for me during my heart breaks, to provide me guidance, to my troubles and to my successes. She left me when I was 11 years old. Yes there must be a reason deeper than what I am told. But every mother single mothers, unbroken family mother, all mothers have said they could never leave their children some even say they would even work at McDonald’s or do odd jobs to help their kids. So i ask my self why didn’t my mom who is educated do anything more for me and my brother. Maybe I’m juat rambling but its a real thing. No my dad’s not perfect either but he never left me he stayed here working hard to help me even though he’s got new children he doesn’t say no when I cant pay him money for rent or anything else. We aren’t Rich but he still gives best he can. But there are somethings I could never divulge i cried alone, i hurt alone the things that a mother would do could not be pushed on my dad. I had my family they kept me afloat but even then mom’s are a unique person I the world. I wasn’t happy when my mom had 2 new sons. I was angry jealous even that got to experience the things I couldn’t with my mom. Part of my resented them, it’s bad I K ow they didn’t do anything to me but I couldn’t help it. But yeah appreciate your mom’s for me guys. Cause I only had 11 years with min and I only remember like 7of those since ya know i was like a baby. 15 years of no mom moments… It’s sad really. Well to me any ways

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Self worth

After yesterday I feel like i am not good at anything... Dunno how to shake this feeling off.. Not good feelings but I'll hide them for you

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Am I Horrible-not?

I would give anything to let you know how i feel about you. About how perfect you are, about how I can treat you better emotionally. But that isnt the way i want to do things. I want you to learn it all on your own. And if its meant to be You will come to me. I told myself i would never be the homewrecker ever. So to convince you to be with me is out of the question. Whenver you have said you were going to break up with him. I never said GOOD. I said oh whats the matter? Oh maybe hes just having a bad day. I AM PROBABLY SO STUPID guhhh The real life Drama now isnt it. I could easily just forget you, and walk away. But My heart doesnt let me do that, because i know deep down i know you need me, if not  as a lover, at the very least a friend. As selfless as i am i cant  just leave you. so i will lay here. a double edged sword. Destroying your nightmares while taking damage back and having my own nightmares in exchange.

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Me

Sometimes it feels like no one actually thinks about others Kinda like this:

Oh maybe he has so much things to do i should help

instead of:

Oh he didnt ask so imma just lay around and not think of what to do.

Where one thought could be the difference but naw, i guess i have to high a standard for that ish.

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

It kills

I see your smiling face and it makes me smile. But you have no idea why im smiling.

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

I'm bad, but good

I leave all decisions up to you and i support all of them. I say thing like give it another chance and who knows maybe it's supposed to be like that for awhile. I know it sounds stupid cause I shouldn't even try but you are so perfect a little waiting wouldn't hurt and some may say I'm waiting for nothing but life can throw curve balls

[theeverydaylifeofanavgperson]

Time

Time to maybe put that to rest..