theeyeofinfinity - Tumblr blog

[theeyeofinfinity]

“The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”

— Unknown

[theeyeofinfinity]

“How could you have been so blind to the potential we had? You saw it too right?”

— xcallmexprincess, I guess not. (via wnq-writers)

[theeyeofinfinity]

soulmate (n.)

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet – a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

[theeyeofinfinity]

How a thousand lifetimes becomes one.

I think part of my process of dealing with things that bother me are to almost think them to death. I will sit and almost cauterize my spiritual wound with the hot piece of metaphorical steel that is my source of hurt, pressing it to myself until its numb and sealed. I think I’d rather it be that way than running from it. It would just follow the trail of blood i leave behind and find me over and over again. That i feel is infinitely more exhausting than a brutal week or weeks or month of just sitting with it and then moving on after but i digress. I’ve been thinking about all the beautiful moments shared. I think about the time i spent out in the woods behind your parents house. Sitting by the tree that was claimed so long ago and the many trips i took to find it. I remember the peace i felt sitting there and imagining a version of us that never stopped loving each other. Seeing how happy i was to sit with my best friend. Flowers in your hair while i gave you a piggy back ride by the river. Laughs and talks about our struggles in life and how happy we were to have this little pocket of earth to escape from our day to day. Happy to have each other, knowing we’d never leave or love anyone else. It brought me closure because the two that belonged together both died together. We are different people and in essence not them anymore. Thats why we can never have what we had before. So I’d go to pay my respects maybe once a week after work or if a storm was coming. Found the fastest ways in and out so i could watch the little movies in my head before having to race against the sun.

I remember when i felt like i couldn’t stay away anymore and started looking at your page. Seeing that you had found my coordinates and went there yourself. Part of me always hoped I’d run into you. I knew i never would because its not a place youd be in casually to begin with. I remember seeing the post about going on an adventure somewhere secluded. And then leaving an address for me to follow. I remember how conflicted i was trying to decide what i should do. How i begged myself not to go. I wanted to leave it behind like i had promised myself because there was no point in prolonging my own suffering. I unblocked your number just to see if youd say anything as the days got closer. I remember how much my heart fluttered when i saw your name come up on my screen again. I knew i had to go but i didn’t want to tell you. I wanted you to be surprised. But i told you anyway out of fear youd be asleep and i wouldnt be able to find you. Youd already expressed frustration that i wouldnt be coming so i felt compelled to. I got there after what felt like an eternity on the road. I found you. Spent the night talking, watching the stars, and eventually connected in a way that seemed impossible. We had bound ourselves together yet again. I remember laying there the day after just as confused as you were. Scared of what the future might bring. In some ways i was right to be.

I remember how we would talk so often and feel like we had so much to say. So much to catch up on. So happy to feel each other again. We started to bond so much and i felt like i was the only thing that mattered to you. So happy that we came back to each other that youd hold on so tight that I’d never be able to get away again. I started opening myself up to the idea of loving you again. One night while i was in your apartment we had another passionate night. We were so intertwined and i remember how serious you got telling me how glad you were that i was your first. How thankful you were it was me. I spent every day since wishing for another night like that. I remember going to trivia night and hearing “mirrors” come on after we talked about you telling me how much the lyrics matched us all those years ago. Hearing it again when we went for ive cream from a lady street performing. i remember taking you that train tour in the middle of nowhere. It was pretty and cool to sit and watch the scenery. We met a cool waitress there and i got the utmost satisfaction being outside the train while it went through a tunnel. Cold but memorable. What i remember most is getting our picture taken at the end and the waitress told us to look at each other like we were in love. I looked at you and you just looked straight at here pretending like you didnt hear it. It kinda hurt but looking at that picture was just a reflection of how things have been for a long time. Me loving you and you looking away. We got to go explore the old haunted assylum turned hotel that we almost stayed at, looked at some cool shops, and tried out a really tasty bakery. It was also the trip i gave you a stethoscope. I did a bunch of research to see what brands worked the best and finally found one i thought would suit you well. I was so excited to give it to you and the look on your face made it worth the wait. I wanted you to know that through it all, even if you didn’t believe in yourself, youd always have me in your corner cheering for you. I believed in you and us more than anyone ever would or could. You would also carry a piece of me and that sentiment with you for however long you kept that stethoscope in use and in a sense have me there for support whenever you were hard at work.

I remember our trip to go get your motorcycle and you telling me how good i looked on it. I was so ready to ride listening to my music but you wanted to keep talking to me and it made me smile the whole ride back. I also remember waking up at just the right moment when you had texted me late at night to ask if i was awake when you had gone to take a ride on said motorcycle. How the timing of me being there when you need me most always amazed me. I let you come crash at my place because it had started to rain and kept you warm. I was so happy to be your warmth… and to just have you there unexpectedly. I remember the first time not cooking hello fresh but making you soup and grilled cheese from scratch. Our movie marathons and watching top gun and its sequel with you for the first time. Now i’ll never see those movies without thinking about watching it late at night after your shift, cozy together in bed and falling asleep to a video of a fire place. I remember being there for you while you moved out and basically did it all with just you, while your roommate acted off and pushed you aside, i was your rock and finished it out with you. One night that we spent together and you packed my lunch and made me coffee and sent me out with a hug and a kiss. How for a split second i could imagine the happiness I’d feel being with you, coming home to you, you being my everything for the rest of my life. Or when you showed me your pill remover and i asked you to try it on my favorite shirt and it made a hole in it. The gasp and the look on your face made me laugh and all i could feel was love for you. I remember driving out to firefly on a whim to see you just because you said you wished i was there. Hell, i flew to new orleans just to see you. The whole thing was crazy from the start and even while on the plane i kept thinking to myself, “ i cant believe im really doing this…”. It was cool, new place, same girl i couldnt stop loving. From the cool stores and stands, bourbon street, “bagnets” and the aquarium we went to on our last day, i think you were my favorite part every time. Even if it ended with the worst heartache i had felt since the day you left... I remember taking you to jingle ball right after you took me because i wanted to surprise you. Not knowing that because of how eager i was i had given it away. And how chaotic the night we went to yours was, insane traffic that made us so late we couldnt go eat dinner, parking in the wrong spot and walking around a college campus trying to figure out where the concert was without telling me why we were there. Having you finally give up and tell me so i could help find the way. All i could think to myself was just how much i love this woman. It was also the night i unveiled the bad bunny playlist i made for us that took me a while to make. I listened to every album he had and picked all the songs i could tolerate and was going to show you during MY trip to jingle ball with you but you looked so sad and stressed that i pulled it out early. All the small dates scattered around. All the nights i came late in the night just to spend a few hours with you. Some of those nights my nose would whistle and i wouldnt know why but it would annoy you but i thought it was kinda funny. The chemistry when we’re both at our best is truly unmatched. Its a shame the last things i’ll remember is watching it all go cold as you started to back away and in my panic holding on so tight that you flew away. My heart will always remember. What a world isnt it? Reduced to being a ghost for the rest of eternity…

[theeyeofinfinity]

Born to bleed or too stubborn to die?

I think I’m reaching the end of my journey. In a painful realization that it won’t end how i hoped it would, but in a relief that i can put my soul to rest. I’m disappointed that all the years of patiently waiting, silently hoping, and the journey towards the final battlefield all ended in losing the war. That last fight. To think that i could win but never really stood a chance. It’s a deep sadness i have not felt in a long time. My chest hasnt stopped burning in three days now. It’s hard to think straight when all you can think about is the sensation and tightness of feeling your heart cry out, bleeding everywhere as you tell it “you’ll be alright. I promise it looks worse than it is. Hang on and you’ll see that you’ll be right as rain soon.” You almost feel like a liar. Because while your heart will eventually be okay, itll be horribly disfigured. Adorning every scar, every bruise, every cut, and every scrape it received during this long and painful journey. I wish there were more positive things to say about it all. While i could never hate you, my soul will forever remember what you did. All the trails i was put on to end up nowhere. All the lies that were told. All the promises that were never kept. Some days i look back on it all and ask how i could have lied to myself for so long and made you out to be the one worth dying for. How did i make excuses for everything and every time i was wronged. How did i keep explaining it all away, pulling the knife out, and keep walking towards this? I’m very good at convincing myself that something is worth it. Very good at highlighting the best of you and ignoring the rest. The truth is that you just couldnt bring yourself to choose me. No matter how much i grew. How much i changed. How much i compromised. I would break down every part of me to fit the mold i needed to and it was still not enough. Youd rather casually date other guys and tell me it meant nothing. Lie and tell me the dates were a one time thing, just to do it over and over. Pull away when i wanted to be close. Make me feel so alone even when i was right next to you. Youd come chase me and find me just to put me in this horrible situation and then question why i can’t just be your friend. As if loving someone this much allows someone to sit at the sidelines and feel the feeling of not being chosen after so much effort. Having to watch other people receive the effort you begged for. All the things you never got when you did everything short of moving mountains. Itll always break my heart. Being asked to stay is nothing short of selfish and borderlines evil. But its all things i can start to let go. You’ve yet again given up even with all the things that went right. Now i can begin to let it all go. Since I’ve truly tried everything. Theres nothing i could have done to change the outcome i was fighting all these years. I can start to let go of the memories and the pain. The good times and the bad. I hope you never regret having given up the chance to build up that life together. I don’t think itll ever be a second thought in your head. To give up on having someone who would bring you food late at night even after working a whole shift. Flowers because they saw some that they knew youd like. Cook for you because they knew you were tired from the effort youd put into your work. Massage you for hours just to give you a small slice of solace at the end of the day. Fix your things when they notice them not working instead of waiting for you to ask. Looking for fun things to do together to keep connecting and growing together. Forgiving you for your wrongs and loving your rights. It baffles me knowing that all of it started because we couldn’t stand the pull of each other anymore. To sit there and touch souls for a night. That the desire we feel towards each other was never enough. How it always ended with “i just want to be friends.” How heartless you have to be to constantly ignore how i felt and entice me into coming back just to try to trick me into accepting terms you knew i couldn’t.

How selfish you have to be to do it over and over. But i knew. I kept letting you. Last night i knew how that talk was going to go. I knew that none of the things we experienced in the last few months would make any difference. No matter what i said or what i changed. It was over. You offered to try pulling back and redoing. But I’d have to be an idiot to not know that its only going to reaffirm your stance and ensure that you do everything in your power to hold us down in this friendship and not grow into something more. Thats okay. Because when i have the strength to go i’ll just fade into that good night. Backpack on my shoulder, tear in my eye, heart shattered, but smile on my face as i walk towards the unknown. Smiling knowing this will be the last time i have to feel the heart break and pain of this. The last time i have to beg you to reconsider. Try to show you i was worth it. There won’t be a need to block or avoid you. You’ll be able to float in the peripheral and watch as much as youd like. If you can stomach the empty stares and distant small talk of interacting with the ghost of who you cared about maybe even a quick exchange of hellos. But you’ll know the pain of seeing a familiar face being controlled by someone else. The person you cared about being gone and lost. All that remains being their body. But the soul that would have pulled down heavens for you will have been peacefully buried. Buried next to the girl who loved him. The only place you’ll be able to visit him will be in your memories. In pictures you never took. In things you never said. You will know the pain of being cast aside and having it all be given to someone else. That is the nature of consequences. To know that you felt like it was a fuck up to ever give it a chance tells me all i need to know. I will never be loved here and i do not need to mourn what was never there. I can’t ever hate you. But i don’t think i’ll ever forgive you either. You’ll choose how to deal with it. Whether it ever affects you or you drown it out in stacking your day to the brim with things to do, i know you’ll be fine. How easily you can detach and ignore me is enough reassurance to know you’ll be just fine. For the first time since i said i love you and asked you not to go, i feel like i’ll be just fine too. I won’t need to update this anymore and i can send this blog off to rest with the soul who cared for it. So its only fitting that i leave it with its own little eulogy.

To the man who thought love conquered all, we say thank you. Thank you for showing the world the deep and unconditional love is real. Thank you for showing us the intensity and courage needed to not give up in the pursuit of something you believe in. For showing us the pain and hardship that the soul can endure when love and hope drive them forward. While love isnt always enough, you always will be. Through all your mistakes and triumphs, your heart was pure. You loved so much that it kept hope alive for years, surviving on crumbs and blind faith. It is no easy feat doing what you did. To take the bad and make it good. To sacrifice so many nights. Lose so many tears. To show up beaten and bruised with a smile on your face and say “i still love you, i know we can make it if you just give me a chance to show you”. It took conviction and patience to be built up and broken down so many times and still keep walking forward. You have shown us what a person is capable of. We’re so sorry that all your effort wasnt enough. In another world it might have been. In another life you succeeded and you got to reap the rewards of your battles. In another life you two are happy and she thanks you every day for not giving up on her. For showing her the love she needed to be her best self. Take comfort in knowing you will always be a symbol of true love, an inspiration and standard for those who know you to follow. I love you. Thank you for standing by me in our quest to find our soulmate. I hope you can forgive me for the things I’ve made you go through, and the ultimately fruitless endeavor. I used to think that a love you fought for was romantic. That it would be an amazing story to pass down to our kids. About how your mother was almost not your mother. How long i worked to find her. And how we ultimately found each other again. Theres nothing romantic about fighting for someone who doesn’t want you. Begging someone to reconsider when they already made the conscious choice to get rid of you knowing full well it meant that you wouldnt be in their lives again. They were okay with never seeing you again. They were fine with losing you or they would never have made the choice to do it. Never forget that. Use it to put your soul at ease. You may have never gotten the love you died for, but the man who replaces you has a fighting chance. He is there because of your work and sacrifice. He will honor you and succeed where we failed. Rest in peace. You will never be forgotten and you will always be loved by me. We’ll make sure to leave you flowers by the tree you carved as kids. We’ll be there often to visit you so you don’t feel abandoned and left behind ever again. We’re sorry for the life you lived. But you’ll finally know peace. We will carry your memory through the wisdom you’ve given us. We will be everywhere she looks but nowhere to be found, and that, will be our revenge.

[theeyeofinfinity]

“There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.”

— Unknown

[theeyeofinfinity]

“I never realized what a big deal that was. How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.”

— Nina LaCour

[theeyeofinfinity]

Why me

It doesn’t seem to matter what i do. No amount of time or distraction or anything is enough to cut my bind. I’m shackled to someone who wants me just as bad but not in the same way. What is it going to take? Why does my mind try to reconstruct the narrative to try & justify this attachment? Is it a test? Should i be trying harder to get back to you? If so why? It didnt work the last thousand times i tried over the course of 6 years. I lost a relationship over this obsession. I feel fine on my own, it took some adjusting but I’m more relaxed now than i used to be. Ive even managed to quell the pains of solitude. I don’t feel like i have to have someone to do something fun. I actually enjoy solo adventuring. Which is exciting to realize because of how many doors its going to open. But just as i start gaining traction in my life you’re right there to cause the halt. Why do i want you in my life so bad if you were never that good to me. We had our good times sure & we were amazing best friends. But as partners? You left a lot to be desired. It took years to reconcile with the fact that majority wasnt even my fault. Yet i still find myself craving your touch, your voice, your presence. I feel whole, but somehow not? Its like no matter how much i grow & better myself, no matter how much i love myself or someone else, I’m .01% away from being whole. You’re that last sliver thats missing. Why? You didnt add anything but stress & heartache to my life. The company was wonderful & at the beginning it was like a dream come true. We couldnt get enough of each other. It was perfect. But reality sunk in & we went back to our old cycle. Being that we were both single this time for the first time in those 6 years i thought things would be different. It really broke me when it didnt change anything. This was my last hoorah & it didnt work. I had every hope that it would. It just fell apart. You let me down, so why do i try to convince myself that i was the one who still messed it up by jumping the gun too early. You had just gotten out of a relationship & obviously were going to be emotionally closed off. I would have never gotten in this early. But if thats what it is why did you go sleep with two other dudes just because. Is it fair of me to even say that? I feel like it is because you knew how i felt. But at the same time i shouldnt have really been in you’re life anymore. We werent & still arent & won’t ever be anything more than strangers now. Its so hard to see things clearly when it comes to you & it always has been. If i don’t distract myself enough i come back to you. Even when i do, i wish you were there to share it with me. What lesson am i supposed to get from you?

Never give up? Learn when to give up? True love never dies & should be fought for? If you love something set it free & if it comes back its yours? I really don’t know. My mind says no. My heart & soul yes. My mind gets out voted but still holds all the power because my brain drives my body. I want to forget & leave it behind but its screaming from the depths of my subconscious & i come back every time. Maybe i just need to meet the right person & itll all go away. You never loved me as much as i loved you. Its been painfully obvious for a long time. You loved your last partner more than me. Gave up on me for him. Held onto him when he was so much worse than me. But i was left behind. Abandoned. But neither of us can deny this unbearable pull. These overwhelming desire to come back. Why did you have to make it complicated. We could have had it all. We could have had our happily ever after & been so in love the rest of our lives. Built our family. Laughed cried & argued only to come together & hug it out at the end for the rest of our days. But you threw it all away & i’ll never know how someone could say their soulmate wasnt good enough. How someone could mistake peace & connection for anything that isnt love. Trade away all that for the simple high of being on an emotional up & down with someone who gives you butterflies but ultimately never came close to loving you the way i did. I’m fairly confident you don’t even ask yourself these questions. Let alone think about it. Writing it all out helps tho. I need to hear the things i think about as though someone else was saying it to me. I won’t bend this time. I won’t give in & come find you. You had so many chances & fucked it up every single time. You can spend the rest of your time figuring out how to get back to me. But i won’t wait around for it anymore, I’m going to keep pressing on & trying to grow into who i was meant to be. I honestly still don’t know but every passing day i feel more & more like its not life of grandeur but a life of small significant interactions with key people that will help culminate into a better world. I will be part of the flaps from the butterfly that ultimately move the world towards a better tomorrow. As to how i don’t know. But i have a lifetime to figure it out. I want to hate you. I do. But god i miss you & hate myself for wishing you would just run away with me & start a life with me that will produce an eternity of happiness. I love you in ways neither of us or anyone could ever understand. I want to leave candles behind that will help you become a better person, even if i never get to see it. Maybe this is our final chapter of separation? We came together too immature to hold together & fell apart. We came together again once i was in a much more stable position & you were so turbulent it ruined us again. Maybe now is the time we learn to be each other. I learn to be you & embrace your side of our coin so i can appreciate & partake in the things you love. You learn to be me & embrace my side so you can understand & connect with me & the things i love. Whatever the case is at this point, this was the only way. You really did not value how much i strived to stay around. You need to really feel the loss the way i did. Only then do i think we have a chance at overcoming the damage thats been done. It might not be too late for us. We won’t know until years from now. So why do i still feel like its still a matter of when itll happen & not if? Lets hope no one beats us to the punch. That being said, you need to hurry up & get your shit together. I can only stall this train for so long.

[theeyeofinfinity]

Hallowed Ground

I know you check these, but i don’t know how thoroughly... I’ll leave this for a couple days and if you’re meant to see it you will. If not you won’t. Either way it won’t be up long. I’ve come to enjoy these games of chance.

Theres so much that i want to say but at this point whats left unsaid? I’ve felt a lot more at ease the last few months. Whenever i feel myself becoming consumed by myself i sit outside and listen. I find my refuge in mother earth and she cradles me in her warmth and wisdom when i need to find guidance. Its what led me back to this place. I felt so happy finding it again. I felt like an explorer, a pioneer. None of those paths felt familiar and i took a lot of wrong turns and strayed off into the paths that were less travelled. But i found it. I had that rock face engraved into my mind and there were still remnants of its use as a camp site. I swear that even that old pan that was lying around was the same one i had picked up when we first found it. That was the first time i felt like i was living my calling. The thrill of the unknown. The satisfaction of finding what was lost. It also showed me a glimpse of myself. The paths I’ve taken are less that travelled. Theres really no guide for my road because most don’t know it exists. Yet, i find my mark at the end. I end up where i want to be. Where i need to be. When i got there i felt happy, i sat there and imagined you holding my hand while i droned on about the good things. I felt like you were there. But the you that loved me. The you that i loved. 16-17 year old us. I went back in time and told you about all the stuff we’d go on to do and the fun we’d have together. The fights and the intensity that would come. I pictured you looking at me all puzzled saying “yeah right, what could we possibly have to fight about?!” To which I’d counter with “surprisingly, a lot.” I’d tell you about all the things I’ve learned, about myself, and life. The theories and life lessons. Watching you laugh at me, giving me a playful punch and cuddling me. A grin on your face from ear to ear because nothing else mattered but the moments we were sharing. I had come to clear my mind and had found you. I felt this urge to find this place. I saved it on here so i wouldnt forget it and set up a stone pile to mark it incase i became if it was the same spot. What i didn’t count on was you still looking here. You came to find it and left me a piece of you. I’d come back on the weekends to keep talking. The walk to and from imagining you holding arm and leaning your head on my shoulder. At some point my arm started getting warmer than the rest of me and it genuinely felt like you were there. I’d have a smile on my face the whole time i was there and the last time i went i truly felt like a ghost. I felt like i was haunting that place. I’d sit out there whittling while i imagined what we’d be up to if we hadnt both died. Those two were so in love. I slowly started separating myself from him. The guy who belonged with her. It eventually became more of me watching us than me being part of it. I got into the habit of bringing flowers I’d find to leave on the stone guarded heart. I knew how much you loved flowers. A fun loving hippie girl isnt complete without flowers. They were hard to find too. All the more satisfying when i did so i could go back and show you. Youd wear them behind your ear and we’d keep on talking. It seems a little crazy when you think about it. Have i lost my mind? Doubt it. I’m not more sane now than i was before. At least this way i don’t have to feel anything but joy. I’d finish my time by hugging the tree that bears our initials. It felt like i was hugging you sometimes. As i finished up my totem, i left it there to have some sort of physical embodiment of it all. We have to say goodbye at some point tho don’t we? Whether its after a few days, months, years, or when we die. We say goodbye eventually. That much is inevitable. Its a shame ours was so soon. i feel better dealing with it this way. But my soul will never forget. It can’t because it sits out there playing with you as if none of this had ever happened. I’ll probably tend to the site for a while, during the weekends so i can enjoy the river before it gets cold. I can rest easy knowing part of me is out there with you.

39.05739° N, 77.32746° W

[theeyeofinfinity]

“I never realized what a big deal that was. How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.” - Nina LaCour, Hold Still

[theeyeofinfinity]

“I thought I wouldn’t live through it. But you do. You learn to love the place somebody leaves behind for you.”

— Barbara Kingsolver // Prodigal Summer

[theeyeofinfinity]

“My soul will find yours.”

— Jude Deveraux (via bnmxfld)

[theeyeofinfinity]

“He knew that I love you also means I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer; Everything is Illuminated

[theeyeofinfinity]

“Don’t wait too long. Life takes unexpected turns, and we don’t always have the time we think we have.”

— Sylvain Reynard 

[theeyeofinfinity]

“I hope you find someone you can’t live without. I really do. And I hope you never have to know what it’s like to have to try and live without them.”

— Kiera Cass

[theeyeofinfinity]

“Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. But then, I wonder if I could handle the truth.”

— The Vow

[theeyeofinfinity]

“The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”

— Unknown