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[thefirstsunflowerseed]

“This too shall pass”

Going through tough times when I literally lost in every aspect of my planned life. I know this won’t last forever, this situation will pass. But it also got me thinking, that bad time will pass away, but so do the good.

I believe that life is balanced between joy and sorrow. Hardships can be rewarded with satisfaction, and every happiness come with a potential risk of being hurt or fear of losing.

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

Cat looking up to my shadow, can I guess what is it about?

À há tumblr I’m backk! Omg I have so many things to vent about and can’t believe I forgot my own diary. Just don’t read back the old posts because I’m sure as hell they are CRINGE okay?

I get a little bit burnt out now because all of them soul-sucking interviews and job apps, but seriously it’s not even close to the thing I have been stressing myself most. It’s 7am in the morning, I have only had 2 hours of sleep, and I woke up from a terrible terrible dream (well thanks Song Joong Ki for planting the seed of this nightmare, it’s the worst i have had in years!), so I can go back to sleep and drop this writing anytime. Okay let’s jump right to the topic:

I NEED TO STOP COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!

Ahhhhhh so good I can “yell” in here because it’s hard to do so anywhere in my real life now. As a fan of numerology, self-assessment tests and all the spiritual, emotional thingy, they all told me that this is gonna be a tough year for me (hitting rock bottom with personal year 7 y’all) when I take more time to learn than to actually make a change. No problemo lol! So okay 2023 just in and my 2 grandmas passed away, job offer no sign that it will be here soon, friendships are okay but I’d rather it goes in different direction, got an “ex-friend” still projecting the fault on me and their crazy superior complex that was magnified through my “admiring” lens throughout years. Romance no luck for now but that I care the least about.

So what’s wrong here? I think i have handled every, thing quite well emotionally, I learn, i am self-motivated, I let myself process through my emotions and not rush through any negative feelings, and even if I blew something, I didn’t regret it because it was who I was at the time. So how does this whole “comparing maniac”, i name it, affect me?

I will definitely continue i need this reflection but imma go back to bed now the sleepiness is comingg

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

If you make me feel like an outsider of our world, let my world be an unreachable place out of this world. That is supposed to be our world I am living in...

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

My feelings were fking empty but it become more and more frequent now. The station was so empty but look further and you’ll see the transformation of the sky. It’s getting darker but dusk is as astonishing as it should be. I believe that all rises and falls are aesthetic no matter what will happen after those, since they always take place when you try the hardest to burn up your flame.

Dawn and dusk is periodic, and so is rise and fall. I hope when dawn comes, when I could make it again, my station will be open to let morning lights infiltrate every dim corner of it. Will there be more passengers then?

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

I’m back to this place again for a while, reminding myself the reason I created this blog was that to embrace my values yet my posts become more and more depressing and I cant even find a way out of this

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

I have so many things that I wanna do yet they are so random and sadly that i cannot follow though to the end any of my past hobbies.

Lazy day ended.

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

First day of snow.

They all are me. But none of them is me. They do not give a shit. I do.

——— 11/07/19

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

Nasty nasty week and so will next week be. I was unexpectedly calm recently so less and less drafts or private posts have been written. Gotta have a test in 8 hours so i will just leave a comfort zone post here and see ya someday.

—

Damn it the moment i told myself that no draft this week I immediately think of one but i cannot describe it by writing. Rather than draft, is it more like an idea? Or do I need to develop it in other forms?

.

.

.

P/s ily

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

It’s ngày thi but i really wanna watch Harry Porter

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

I read some of my posts from the last few weeks and realize that im becoming unproductive. I stop writing which also means stop practicing to think in a more systematic way, and night comes and i start discouraging myself for talking nonsense. Im more a spontaneous person and recalling ridiculous words causes me a lot of self degradation. I start skipping morning class because i dont want others to see my swollen eyes and i dont wanna hurt people or provoke thoughts for my sudden breakdown. Im writing this without considering of any structures like i used to do, they just come out of my mind. I know it would fade away maybe some day but not today lol.

Surprised. I almost have this mess lost because i went searching for a phrase i dont even use here. The feelings got cut and im supposed its a good thing that im not let my pessimism out too much. I dont know if anyone can read these lines as im planning to hide this blog from every searching engine and everyone. Let me hope for the best that im the only one in this “selfish zone” of myself where i dont have to pretend not knowing anything and things are fine. Maybe I should set private to all posts because i dont deserve anyone’s care

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

I have always been reaching out but nobody understood.

Can’t blame anyone, after all it’s only myself can get this signal.

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

Long time no write ~

I have been so busy with uni, housing and my fangirl mood (which takes most of the time lol) that I have not updated anything. Well, see you soon someday.

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

08.14.19

/ Sợ đi ra biển lớn

Vốn chẳng ngại gió mưa

Sợ biển sâu rộng quá

Lỡ đánh rơi tâm mình /

———

Bản lĩnh không có thì làm được gì?

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

I am trying to avoid as much mushy conversation as possible.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m an overthink kind of person. I think too much and sometimes got too emotional over an issue. I was brought up in an environment that barely care about how i feel, instead focusing on how i should feel to compatible with how privileged i was endowed. It was a bit frustrating at first, but it is also teaching me to deal with my own feelings. I love telling stories, anecdotes, dramas,... but I’m opposed to speak about my feelings. Tell me what I could/should do, I appreciate your support. But being told “overthinking” too many time makes me realize how my feelings do not actually exist to anyone but me, and either do yours. Mostly, you/I know how I/you feel, but nobody is able to sympathize with me/you, even if you have experienced it, if it is not exceptionally [] that it raises immeadiate nostalgia in you, technically nobody can have identical feelings with you.

Personally saying (this blog is all about personal things anw), I am learning better and better upon how I should deal with my feelings in a least negative way, and I believe people with no mental health problem all have solutions to their own issues eventually. I am always available to listen, but unfortunately I acknowledge myself kind of an “avoider” who would get myself to detach from emotional talks which force me to exchange experiences or give advices. I avoid mushy conversations (except for those blindly love feelings :< ) as they might unintentionally put burdens upon those joining them, instead I tell more stories and see how others could show me positive views. I believe that we are all (want to) growing stronger with pride and awareness of ourselves. In retrospect, I have always been observing the ways people I admire deal with problems and adjust my feelings to them. I know you all are doing it too. I know eventually you can do it well, as nobody can actually help you make a way out.

———

06.08.19

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

[thefirstsunflowerseed]

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