thefutureisu

[thefutureisu]

lmao, i opened my account AFTER 3? years and read this and i just wanna say that people do grow bc broooooo the senior took advantage of me LIKE i was 17, he was 24 then. LMAO PEDO, SA VIBES. and it fully impacted just now after years. and i wasnt even aware, and it took me two years to move on? YUCK

xvi - uGH

what if this is like 2 years ago when a guy (my senior) and i had like two-three dates?? but i idealised too much and took TWO FUCKING YEARS for me to move on ha. feel ko it is gonna b like that again. i cannot afford to lose that much of time. i can feel that it’ll take me years with this too. it ’s so funny how i take things SO seriously. who would move on from someone for years. or maybe i feel angry na i got to be vulnerable w someone, opened my thoughts, my feelings to them tas they’ll do me dirty like that. grabe i cannot imagine, what if kunwari sa future, me being so in love tas mga 2-3 yrs-ish na kame ganon but it doesn’t work out and we break up. ill die of a “broken” heart jesus i swear that’s gonna b the end for me.

[thefutureisu]

Sometimes in the dark

I think about the past

A hatred comes up

A hatred for me

A hatred for the past

A hatred for what I've become

[thefutureisu]

i wonder when will i stop hving flashbacks, when will i stop seeing an object tht reminds me of all those nights tht always send me spiraling down, giving me panic attacks and all tht shit. tngn i just saw A SPATULA A FUCKING SPATULA and here i am not knowing wht to do.

i just want it all to end, i want the pain to end i want the flashbacks and the bad memories to never exist anymore. i hate it here, in my bed. why do i remember so much, graphically. every detail, every time i counted when it was happening, asking myself when will it ever stop.

my cries are muffled tonight. like always. i love my faimly dont get me wrong, and i know tht they would do every thing for me. i just always felt this unsaid agreement bw all of us tht im not allowed to tlk abt this, and this thing has never been acknowledged for yrs after we left my “dad”, like its some sort of fam secret, which i think it is. sumtimes i can see tht it makes them uncomfortable. they have this bad connotation abt depression and anxiety and how sometimes ppl feel “weak”. theyve always seen me as this strong person. they always said tht “buti na lang matino pa pagiisip nya” when they found out all the details behind it. did they once ask how i felt? how im feeling?

i just want it all to end, my thoughts, my memories. how i can and will never be anle to let that shit go, and how its become part of me. i can never change tht. i roll the words to my tongue — incest, incestous, rape victim, physical abuse victim, mentally unstable. these words define me, they are a part of me that i can never get rid of. i hate how im tied to every single one of them. maybe today’s rlly goodbye. maybe today’s rlly the time to let go of the bad stuff for good, just jump in a fucking small town river cause chances are they might never find u again cause ud be drifting in the bay, getting devoured by fishes

[thefutureisu]

“People are people and sometimes we change our minds.”

— Taylor Swift / Breathe

[thefutureisu]

I GAINED A FUCKING KILO tbginang pcos to bwiset

[thefutureisu]

i cant believe i have to fucking go to therapy later all bc of tht stupid psychotic incident the day before yesterday. ugh, men. I HATE MEN. he harassed me and A, even physically assaulted him. all the fuss got me triggered, and made me remember a bunch of ugly stuff tas of course, my thoughts spiraled & went down there again. AND for sure w therapy, i hve to explain why i got triggered tas ill cry and be vulnerable w someone tht i dont even know. i hope the psych is a woman pls oh mu god

[thefutureisu]

i had the best fucking time with charlie that i cried afterwards AAAAA. as u may know, charlie is a term tht my besties use for um, playing xd and my chosen “toy” is always the B cause i can never use my own fingers idk i cant rlly touch myself bc of the fucking baggage. im glad B is there, im glad i can do charlie. if i keep doing this, i rlly just might not marry anymore. ill marry myself xd hay i wanna get rid of my pcos & stop drinking pills bc srsly it’s making me v “high”

[thefutureisu]

I put all my watches together to make a belt

It was a waist of time

[thefutureisu]

on earth we’re briefly gorgeous, ocean vuong / boot theory, richard siken 

[thefutureisu]

xx

as i left work today, it dawned on me how life can really seem like a show, like in the films. but this time, it’s real life. there are no cuts nor replays, just a long running film with you as the lead, and yourself as the director. the crew might be friends, family, co-workers

anyway, it’s moving all too fast. i dont know if i can keep up. everything’s happening all too quickly. but somewhat it’s good. another chapter being written for the book in my head.

im gonna change work, apartment even. i think it’s time to really say goodbye to my ‘S’ memories. and to the other ppl ive wasted my time on, goodbye to my fresh grad self who was so excited w stuff, and so scared of the things that would come. but thats still me, only this time im not rlly that scared anymore. im just dreading it. and anxious, too bc i hope tht i can take it all.

the first months after i graduated were like a training sesh. the guys ive dated were lessons and experiences (that im not rlly ready, and that i should stop putting them on pedestals), and my first job was a realization tht i shouldnt settle with something tht i rlly didnt wanna do. sure, writing was fun and i loved it but the things that i had to write there, ugh i hated it.

now, w my next job i have to work for the military /yipee??/ i think ill be a writer there, or a researcher idk. w the apartment, ill be living w A again. i hope tht i rlly get to vlog this yr this time, and i get to lose the fucking 7 kilos tht ive always wanted to lose tangina naman. OK wow life rlly is a ticking time bomb. and u have no choice but to run :/ I HATE IT

[thefutureisu]

im binging himym and i gotta say i mostly relate to ted and robin, i mean rship wise. like ted, im such a romantic when i want myself to be. like his french horn thing???? w his orchestra? lmao i can do that, his big gestures im a sucker for those + i can also pull off something like that

but then there is the other side of me, robin’s, who is afraid of getting serious. the idea of marriage now scares me, and ive thought it through now so ive concluded that i dont wanna have kids bc of my whole baggage thing.

im wasting my 20s. this should b my ride or die, “sexful” fun times but no. grabe im officially celebate??? sex repulsed even. i have my own apartment and ive been renting it for 5 months but ive only had 1 guy to come over, besides friends. AND what did we do? we kissed thats it jesus i should be LIVING by now. like wow ok dates wanna come over to my place? my place is near lang, but hay the baggage. the emotional baggage is heavy. and ive been carrying it for years. i just wanna leave it but maybe ill be carrying it for another half a decade or so. who knows + im not rlly that keen on the sec thing tbh like when i think of it, i dont even wanna do it. like i said, repulsed. ughhhhh

[thefutureisu]

i mean, love is such a LOADED word so nope, not love but maybe something close to that? looking back, the way i felt abt him, even tho i placed him on a pedestal, i could say that somewhere along there, it was real and different. i dont think im ever gonna forget what i felt those past few months, how vulnerable i was, how soft and warm i was. how painful it all seemed inside my chest. so even tho he doesnt matter to me anymore now, ill always remember how close i was to saying that maybe i was in love

[thefutureisu]

xvii - this sucks

what if deep, deep, deep, deep down i dont really like people but just the idea of them? like i wanna have what I’ve read and seen in films. cause i am still afraid and still despise the idea of commitment, what comes with it, the pressure, the pain, the sex, etc. and i know that i still haven’t healed. sure, i flirt w ppl bc i have fun w it, i still feel some sort of kilig, happiness at most but more than that? i dont really think so. 

i actually havent been sexually attracted to someone for a long time now. after all these years of trying to “recover”, i still might never trust a person again, ever. might never let someone touch me, the insides of me w so much intimacy. ill never, ever get past that. and its sad how i hoped for the house with a big, white porch and a backyard. kids, maybe three of them. deep within me, i know that its never gonna happen. 

god I’m such a clown, wanting and crying over ppl whom i CANNOT have bc thats the only thing i want from them, validation and I’m frustrated how i can’t have what i want. there are nice ppl, yung iba na showing genuine interest and wanting more, but i “dispose” them, leave them. grabe how deep my narcissistic ass is. feel ko if ever na I’m gonna be able to have what i want, e.g. a monogamist landian rship-ish w "S”, ill just quickly dispose him after too bc I’ve gotten the validation that i needed. this sucks.

[thefutureisu]

IM READING EVERYTHING I WROTE HERE AND I JUST WANNA LAUGH OUT LOUDDDDDDD whats wrong w me hahahshshhshdhehehs EW

[thefutureisu]

xvi - uGH

what if this is like 2 years ago when a guy (my senior) and i had like two-three dates?? but i idealised too much and took TWO FUCKING YEARS for me to move on ha. feel ko it is gonna b like that again. i cannot afford to lose that much of time. i can feel that it’ll take me years with this too. it ’s so funny how i take things SO seriously. who would move on from someone for years. or maybe i feel angry na i got to be vulnerable w someone, opened my thoughts, my feelings to them tas they’ll do me dirty like that. grabe i cannot imagine, what if kunwari sa future, me being so in love tas mga 2-3 yrs-ish na kame ganon but it doesn’t work out and we break up. ill die of a “broken” heart jesus i swear that’s gonna b the end for me.

[thefutureisu]

i feel like i wanna experience all the love tht i see in films & read in books but when ppl want more w me, i run :/ HAHA CLOWN

when lara jean was like how she is fine with love if it is in books movies or in her own head but irl she is scared of relationships and commitment lmaooo if that isn’t the biggest mood of my life

[thefutureisu]

You are a vampire, but you are invulnerable to the sun and garlic. You join a group of vampire hunters, pretending to hate your kind to save them along the way.