theghostus

[theghostus]

"OHH I wanna dance with somebody....who loves me"

I found something about myself and the only maternal Uncle.

At one of my maternal family gatherings (did I say I hate people?), I discovered my maternal Uncle doesn't have a job. It's not that the government or his previous company didn't try to help him. He just refuses to IT, aka computer stuff. He tells everyone how he can't do computer stuff, open this and that. One of my cousins, whom I had never met, asked, "What are you doing now?" His reply, nonchalantly, "Oh, my job is lazing around at home. She continues, "Why don't you want to find a job?" His reply went along the lines of "Ah, I cannot la sit there and open this and that...cannot remember, etc. etc." What I don't understand is why an older Gen X and older adapt but younger Gen X and Millennials can't? I know it's a hard habit, but you do whatever it takes to survive.

The irony is that while we were deciding on a movie to watch, Mum went on to say just watch a cartoon everyone can watch. This same Uncle said, "Don't want. This is for kids. Don't want." Dude, you're practically a kid who doesn't earn any money, lazes around, and is a picky eater. Then going around the room, like Mr Know-It-All.

Another aunt quipped, "I'm just telling you it's about Christmas. Okay, I hope you're okay with it." I had to stop my eyes from rolling back so hard. This happens when you're married outside your religion and live in Canada.

I mean, I get it; my Uncle has the same hallucination as Mum. I hate it. My other Aunt, who lives with him, has to pick up and tolerate his shit. She had enough of taking care of her late grandma for many years. Now, she has her own health problems to take care of; he's being a big dumbass kid.

Hours earlier in the afternoon. Le Bf had theory training. Le Bf wanted to meet me so much for some playtime. He wanted to meet me after I went to meet my relatives. Fine, I try to come back early for him. However, when I did (I never like crowds anyway), he asked me if I could meet at his training building. Fine, I dragged my ass out. Again. I was anxious but kind of felt weird when he was not blowing up my phone, especially when I told him I'd be like 30 minutes. The moment got off the bus at the stop, took out the Google Map and turned towards that direction, I saw him. He, of course, wasn't alone. I saw his Bff waving his arm at me.

Of course, I was slightly miffed when I thought I could have our alone time like a couple. Also, earlier, I was anxious because the bus route went through one of those contraction workers' dormitories. I heard too many horror stories, but I kept my face under control. However, I couldn't hide my expression of what I was feeling towards the two as I crossed the road to get to them. Le Bf could tell I wasn't happy and asked why looked unhappy. I lied, I'm not.

I tend to notice people change their behaviour easily, especially towards me. There was a slight change in his Bff interaction with me. Usually, I would just be a light pole between him and Le Bf. He and Le Bf would talk in their language (which I understand but turn a deaf ear unless my name or her is mentioned. He knows I understand their language perfectly and managed to keep their convo clean). This was our second meeting since Xmas i think, and he began to banter with me. I wonder what changed.

Anyway, Le Bf treat dinner with him and me together. Supposedly, Le Bf has gotten his salary. Everyone had Western. My grilled fish with brown was super salty. Thank god for the salad. It helped to cut through the salt. Then we went to wait for his Bff coach bus. His Bff worked for a travel agency. He drives a group of passengers from SG to MSIA and vice versa. Obviously, his Bff tells him the good money he's making and gets him to join him. Hence, Le Bf is training to get his vocational license.

When the Coach bus came, I got in and looked around while they started cleaning. When they finished, I made my way to the front of the bus on the tour guide seat. While Le Bf changed the wiper water, he knelt down beside me. At first, I didn't hear him, but he said: "'Will you marry me?" I had to stop myself to laugh the fuck off at him. So I said, "Where's the ring?. No ring." He gave a silly grin. His Bff interjected, "Can buy at Couple Lab. $90 bucks can get a ring." Again, I had to stop myself from bringing out the auntie in me. Instead, I replied, "No, I want gold. No gold, not talk." In the end, we didn't get our playtime. Just some mouth action and groping.

On the way home, Le Bf started to plan how he could stay at my place, making it convenient for him to get his own coach bus. Then we could go to Malaysia for a short trip together whenever he has the weekend trips. To be honest, I was half listening to him. I don't know how often I get hyped up only to be disappointed.

I feel numb. I just nod. I don't want to be a wet blanket. I let him be excited. I don't want to think about the future, especially with anyone.

[theghostus]

The reno has finally been done, but the house is a mess. I don't know where to start sometimes. I'm busy trying to clean up and keep things clean. These days, I practically have no other life besides working and cleaning. I'm very tired. Nothing makes me truly happy.

I should be grateful that I have my bed and house back, for my mediocre health, and for still having Mum. In the corner of my heart, I do, but there's a hole I need to be filled. Again. I'm not a religious person. I don't know what faith is.

Needing to be like a man, practical and logical. My feminity is slowly disappearing. I yearn to feel like a woman.

I envy couples who can talk to each other, have fun, and do things that make each other happy. They should be happy in each other's presence and care for each other in public, with or without friends present. I want the perfect man, but I'm afraid I'm too much for him and too stubborn to change. I want to be with the perfect man, but he has to accept my imperfections.

Le Bf again thinks of himself, makes rash decisions, and keeps trying to get a job that keeps him away. Why am I involved with men like these? All I want is to feel special. But I'm a creep.

I know in my heart that I won't have the One. There's no one for me; there's only me.

Oh, Happy Birthday.

[theghostus]

CNY 2024I

Is the premenopausal? I'm only early 40s. Then again, my body is never normal (thanks to hormones)

I had feelings of horniness only last week. However, I didn't really feel much urgency when Le Bf was here. Didn't help when I wanted to cuddle; he wanted to rearrange my bedroom furniture.

Now, the headaches and the ever-so-slight cramps have started to make themselves known (especially the headaches). I'm afraid of the monthly visit. They are never easy. Ever.

Now, with the reno going on...I'm trying/pretend to know what I'm doing. I never do. Don't get me started on the incompetence. Sorry, I digress. The purpose I'm on here, I seem not to be feeling myself lately. I lost what I used to like to do. Nothing seems to work. Hard for me to laugh. Crying and remembering the past is easier than looking towards the future.

Side note: I just had to write a farewell message for another dependable person in my life. Sigh.

I'm listening to Chris Daughtry's Superman. All this while I've been waiting for my Superman while staring at him in the mirror. Sometimes, I wish I could share the world with someone. Too heavy for me to carry at times.

I want to see myself with someone who can share my world and burden. Make me laugh when I'm sad. Travel whenever we want to. Go to places to eat without needing to think about the price (not all the time, like once a month). Something to look forward to at the end of the month after working so hard. Sometimes, I feel dead.

[theghostus]

Day 365

I'm writing this early for once. Sorry, I've been busy lately. Too much stuff going on. I miss writing my stories, though. They keep playing in my head, but not enough to make me sit down and do it.

So what's been happening?

Finally, the renovation is upon us. Mum's money is released, and a portion of it is to her CPF (just google this, okay? Not in the mood to explain everything); trying to get a contractor was really annoying. Had a well-known one come down, and it was okay, but a simple reno is expensive. The other one my friend recommended, but I didn't like his attitude. After a 4 out of 5 quotation, I settled to 1. One of them asked why they weren't chosen, and I said, "I was surprised they didn't do a site visit, " hinting the rest did. To me, if they bothered about the things they do, they would come down. Felt as though with my so-called budget, I was looked down upon. Pity her colleague would be more successful elsewhere than being with many lazy people.

Next year would be the start of a new look for my house. The feeling was bittersweet, and part of me wished what the fuck did I get myself into? I needed to find a place to crash for about 2 weeks or so. Place 2 stays relatively close to my workplace and is easy to go to, especially since I'm on the morning shift. And it won't cost a cent since they're family. However, it was hard for my mum to go to her daycare. I don't have a reply since they just returned from overseas. Place 2 is pretty much a dream come true: staying in a hotel. They have a room available, but it will cost an arm and a leg. It's easy for Mum to go to her daycare, but it costs me a ton of money on Grab.

And so that's the majority of my life. While volunteering and working, I would rather chill and sleep than watch movies (or write).

As for Le Bf, he obviously doesn't care today or tomorrow is quite a special day because he so used to be working on such holidays that he does not see the significance. I mean, even in the hospital he works don't tell me no one celebrates these things??

Sometimes, I wish he had paid me some attention. Weekends he spends on either his family or volunteering. He wouldn't meet me if we did not need to meet. Yes, I know he tries to help me around the house like he paid for the sun blockers (I paid an extra 200 for my living room), the door stopper, and the shelves in my bathroom.

Sometimes, just sometimes...I wish he's like other boyfriends. Celebrate meaningful days together.

Side note: Suddenly very late evening, I felt a sense of someone missing me terribly. It was strong enough that I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt so sad. Or maybe I saw the movie that triggered me.

Happy New Year, you filthy animals. Hope 2024 doesn't fuck us up too much.

[theghostus]

Day 238

3 days ago was 2nd year anniversary. You would think he had something planned. Nope. He's tired from work. Half day work on Sat and waking up at 5am on weekdays and alternate Saturdays.

I'm disappointed that I had to wish him first. He should have remembered. His work and friends are more important than me. He

Do I expect him to be more romantic? No. Do I want him to be? Yes. At the very least, think of me. But no, all he thinks is sex.

People say if you want to know if your partner just go on a trip. Oh yes, I find out, of course. Friends are easier to take care of than your gf. I had to cry just to make him care about me. Sigh.

He keeps telling me he's tired from work. But going to Batam, he's fine. His volunteer group guy tells him to come in, and he's fine. Sleepy but fine. But to meet me, he's tired. I didn't expect him to see me each week. Just meet me and spend time with me....he's tired.

Well, I'm tired of being treated this way.

I'm think. I'm done.

I don't want to know at the last minute he's gone off overseas without telling me for his birthday because it hurts. Yes, I could spend time with him the week before....when I tried to surprise him in the end it backfired.

All I ever wanted is to be wanted. For me, not for sex.

Yes, he did improve by messaging each day. But when we met last week and didn't even connect like we used to. He doesn't even bother to make it up to me. Yes, I sometimes can act like a spoilt brat it's because that's usually because I'm tired.

Why I always end up with emotionally unavailable men?

[theghostus]

DAY 222

So much for a relaxing fucking day. 5 minutes ago, I was planning to write my blog for selfish reasons when I had a call from a kid seeking permission to remove my bro from the govt median testing coz his salary is too high. Dude, that's what we had an understanding before you took over; to NOT include my brother. He's not living at the same address FFS. It's been like this for years....damn govt.

Now my blood pressure has gone up....cue the headache. Already I'm anaemic due to the crazy, unpredictable hormones. I have to babysit the babysitter. I know it's not her fault, but dude, give me a break. At least gimme the info you reset, so I don't need to reset the damn app again. Ugh.

Now hopefully, I can get back to being selfish without any further interruptions.

My mum can kind of or sort of read cards. She was curious as to why Le Bf hadn't been around. She asked if we are still together? I replied, yes. In my heart, I'm always unsure. It might be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year; we would call it quits. Looking at the cards, she keeps saying he has a lot on his mind. Also keeps telling/asking me when he is going to marry me. Well, it's not him who doesn't want the marriage thing. At first, he did ask, but I kept turning him down. I'm not that into that marriage thing and children. I like children if they're not mine and mini assholes. Also, I don't think he's husband material. Exhibit A, please refer to my last post. He can't offer much else to me apart from sex. Poor man's offering, I guess (yes, I can be mean in my own blog, thanks). He has no plans in converting that I can see anyways, since I bought him a huge fake gold cross chain while I was shopping. I'm always on my toes with him. He does a lot of sexting when he's choked full, if you know what I mean.

I seem to recall a memory during the Batam (one of the Indonesian islands) trip; not sure if I posted this in my last post. We went to our host home for a short while. The first thing that came out of his mouth was that he had commented in Chinese to our lady host, who picked us up in a green wrap dress and had changed into a black tennis sports dress, "Why did you change clothes? Just now, you wear was nice?" DUDE, I was behind him. I heard him say that. Her response was to smile awkwardly at him. I was too tired then to register that thing till now. I'm sure she has heard worse comments than that. I shall keep that ammo in my pocket for future use.

So far, I've been talking about his bad points. What are his good points? He never lets me pay for food unless he tells me he doesn't have the money. He is a better cleaner than me. He is adventurous and always tells me to try new things. He's the reason I got into volunteering. He's generous to a fault. He's too hardworking. He's an early riser (which reminds me if we last longer than I think we should, I should get to laze around in bed longer).

His acts of love are acts of service, physical touch and words of affirmation. Yes, in that order. My acts of love are quality time, physical touch and acts of service. We find it hard to find things to talk about. He's so different when he's with other people; he talks more. Sometimes I feel jealous when he can express himself better with others than me. When we're together, we don't really talk much except for how horny he is. When we do, it's a different vibe, you know. I can't explain it. when I'm alone now, I can think of so many things to talk to him about. When I see his face, all he wants to do is suck my face. I'd be lying if I said I don't enjoy it too.

To be honest, I don't know if we're able to cross the 5-year mark. Of course, I measure my present relationship with the last one.

[theghostus]

Day 210

Today I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like doing any of my favourite things. I don't even feel like watching my favourite animal live show this evening. I don't feel like anything. It's been a while since I felt anything, to be honest. I feel numb. All I want to do is lie in bed. I try to sound upbeat for my limerance sufferer Miss Crystal. I guess it's better to believe in something so crazy....anything is better than the truth.

Le BF and I went to Batam (an Indonesian island) last week. Quick trip of a day and a half. I semi-enjoyed it, I suppose. Took photos of us. He looked old, while I looked like an overcooked dumpling that's been left out on the kitchen table for a few hours. One incident, that stood out when we went go-karting. He was very fast and went on to do 7 laps. While I probably did 4. Obviously, he finished first. I thought he would wait for me, but no he did not. I had difficulty even sitting down in the car. He didn't even bother to see if I was okay. Even after racing, he didn't wait for me. I ended up with a leg cramp and while trying to get out of the kart, had gotten burnt by the white-hot engine. Drenched in his sweat, he still didn't care. Till I was in the car. He saw the tears and asked if I was in pain. It was partly the reason. I was crying because of his attitude, not because of the pain. I merely nodded because I didn't want to argue in front of our hosts. Upon arriving in Batam, he couldn't read that I was grumpy because I was tired. I woke up at 4.30am which I thought we were going to leave at 8.30am but we ended up leaving SG at nearly 11am (SG time). Oh waking up early to see him wasn't worth it he said. Dude, we had breakfast before 8am. His friend didn't even buy the tickets online! Everything is online for god sake! We had to wait for the fucker and buy the tickets on the spot. Who does these things anymore!? We ended up paying extra 20 bucks for the first-class seats. Whose failed planning is that? He had the cheek to ask me how can? Dude, I swear I could have said no and fucked everyone's plan.

We did have some sexy time. But it was all in a rush. Rushing to make me cum. Rushing to make him cum. All because his friend (our SG host) wanted to go for a massage. I mean, that's what I'm there for too. I wanted to take it slow, but he's always in a rush.

I was moody and grumpy, and tired. Hence I probably unfairly lashed out at him. His married friend, whose cousins were hosting us, kept his cool as should a man be and not scold me like a damn child. After buying the return tickets, we all proceed to a seafood restaurant. Add to my mood, grumpy and tired, I fell asleep in the car. We went with our hosts to 3 seafood meals. The last one, thankfully, was the best out of 3.

We left Batam at 3pm and reached SG at 4pm (timing does not include immigration). It was probably around 5 plus when we went our separate ways home.

On Monday, I was so tired. Couldn't concentrate. Needed 3 cups of coffee just to keep me in check. Now when he said, good you reached your workplace safely I could have said, back in Batam you didn't care if I was safely in or out of the go-kart.

I liked being around people who I don't speak the language because I could be in my own head and not stressed about what they were saying.

[theghostus]

Day 176

I'm typing this while lying on my back on my bed with my laptop on my knees coz Im too lazy to sit and torture my back.

Hello again. So yeah, I've got a job, and everything is nuts somehow. My new job is still dealing with people and.....children. Yup, you heard me right. Children of ages 6 to 12 years. 10 to 15 years ago, I wouldn't think of even working with those little annoying humans. But here I am. The parents are another breed I've yet encountered in my career. They are a whole different breed. I've also realised children get into all sorts of trouble, aka accidents. Long story short, parents and form teacher were called (boys are in the same class). Shortie was sent to the children's ER with his worried mum. That's just one of the many stories in my first 8 weeks.

My department comprises 2 senior ladies, 1 probably EO in her 30s married and 1 AM. All women except for 2 older gentlemen as Ops Manager. Some still don't know where to put me coz I only spoke when spoken to. I mind my own business and focus on work. I do sometimes entertain them. However, talking to teachers always bring me back to my trauma from primary school. I feel stupid, especially if I call the teachers incorrectly or mishear the name. It's for the gifted and long-serving to remember all 40 teachers. I can barely remember 4 things on my grocery list. Side note: I recalled an interview for the same position. One of the AM, I think asked if I were to approach a teacher, how would you do it? I wasn't expecting that question. I replied, 'professionally'? She asked what's that mean? I would ask them politely? I mean, dude/babe, I worked with adults throughout my career. I just approached them...the difference is they didn't represent my trauma, my childhood. O didn't get into the school by which I thought it was over. Till, I thought, 4 months ago, I received a call from my current school, and here it begins my journey (again) of depression. My present colleagues are better than those I had over last year. I don't want to be too attached because someone up there has this one sadistic mind to want to fuck with me.

Next is the Devil's House. Been four long years since my mum's divorce, and we still haven't gotten the money. If you don't count the 2 years of covid (3 years for the world), losing my job, cleaning (the best I could afford) the fucking house and searching for my current place. So right now, while I'm still unstable (learning) in my new job, I embarked on a long journey (parts of it stupid) of trying to sell the house via a lawyer who still doesn't understand where I'm coming from. He insists on getting the papers served to him. He wants to go by the book. Here I'm wondering if the divorce papers can get through my aunt (his sister) why not these 'forcing him to him to give m the sole rights to sell" papers.

There are only 2 ways this will go....one my aunt will give up his contacts and surrender. Two, she will put up a wall. So, in that case, I will send the evidence to the MF so he can FINALLY get the big picture. How do I record a phone conversation?

Mum is still mum. Whenever she or I sneezed, she acted as though it was wrong to even do that or humans are not allowed to sneeze or cough.

Next is Le Bf. Honestly, where should I even begin? Too long a story for perhaps another time. Just hang on, future me. or else fails just box them. Cheers.

[theghostus]

Day 95

By now y'all know this is my personal blog. Putting all my feelings and thoughts down.

Still no income. Brightside...I will probably start my new job at a school after Eid. Y'all think, hey, that's good news. Dude, not to my savings account, it ain't. Borrowing money and moving money for the past 5 months. Each month the bills take a HUGE bite into my savings. Not counting the necessities like food and feminine products. So yeah. I'm hella worried. Last December really took a toll on my mental health when the insurance companies asked for their yearly payment. That sucks eggs, man. Oh another thing, my phone has that infamous green line in the middle of my screen. It will cost me a new phone just to get it repaired. Even after repair, it has only a 1-month warranty. FML.

Another thing that weighs heavily on my mind is that bitch of my aunt, aka Dad's sis. She still hasn't sold the Devil's home. I mean, how can she? The damn place it's as old as me (not telling you how old I am; I'm a millennial that's the only clue I'm giving). No one wants to buy that home for the price she's selling, even though it's 'convenient' etc etc. When I released it to her, it was cleaned and manageable (also, it was after GP passed) Her son is now 30; if I recall correctly, he doesn't need babysitting. So it's her and her husband now. I mean she could downsize her 2-storey flat to save cost. Whatever I digress. Without that money from the sale, I can't do my kitchen. I had 2 quotes from 2 different contractors. Each will cost me almost 6k. Including the changing of the toilet doors. sigh.

My mum's condition is stable and no change over the years. With the "occasionally" and 'normal' sounds of her being strangled by an invisible hand. The sounds coming from her I can only describe would be the sounds if I were to strangle someone.

Mdm Sunflower finally got her goal. She and her husband have a daughter. She came home to them on my birthday. Will need to find out if her girl is a Pisces - they are emotional balls of energy which Mr and Mdm Sunflower are not. Her girl has already proven to be the Lil Diva already, haha. Luckily her girl is a Rabbit - they are kind and social creatures. She will make a great mum. That has been her goal since she got married almost 20 years ago. It seems like yesterday we were talking about our goals and what we wanted to achieve in our life.

Le Bf celebrated our 2nd Vday at a proper restaurant. We didn't celebrate my birthday much coz was trying to balance my mum and him. We ate at a hawker centre (it's a Singaporean eating centre) because his workplace is 1.5 hours away from my flat. He was doing sales, so he couldn't really go anywhere. Plus, I sus he just lazy to plan shit. So he just manages with whatever. Also, I was supposed to meet him early, but I went marketing with Mum in the afternoon and took a nap thinking he could only leave later when he didn't tell me that he had someone at the shop with him to cover. sigh. men.

Then I was thinking of surprising him and celebrating his birthday by bringing him to Gardens by the Bay at night to watch the light show since he had never seen it before. First, he didn't this week tell me he took 3 days off and planned to spend his whole 3 days with his mates and for his social work. I got to know this only yesterday. Secondly, he told me, I think a couple of weeks ago, that he's travelling to Bangkok this week, and his flight is tomorrow at 5am and will be returning to SG on the 10th (again I was told this yesterday when he came over). So he will be in Bangkok from 6 to 10 (for duty and play his words not mine), including on his birthday. So I'm a mix of sad and angry at the moment. Sad I couldn't celebrate his birthday again. Angry, he spends his birthday overseas again. the first time, his friend treated him to a seafood dinner in Malaysia. While I thought he was working when he sent his seafood dinner pics to me. I don't blame him for wanting to have fun with his mates, but sometimes I wonder am I the fool trying to create memories? I'm in two minds of just throwing his present in his face and telling him next time I just wish you HPB. I won't be celebrating his birthday anymore anything since he prefers to spend it with his friends overseas.

Am I being brainwashed by socials with picture-perfect relationships? Am I expecting too much?

[theghostus]

40th day of 2023; how ironic.

"The feeling that I want to unalive myself today. Now, do I qualify for your time Mr/Miss/Mdm Psychiatrist?"

Do you feel unaliving myself? That's the first question they ask. I actually hesitated for a split second, and due to the need for self-preservation and habit, I lied. So you don't need help fuck off. Don't waste my time. You don't need me. You need a friend, so fuck off.

Yup, that's what my therapist or one-time only said.

So life taught me I don't need anyone else help. Just do it myself. However, not everything can be solved with a friend. They have their own demons to fight. Also, I don't want to give my 2 only friends a panic attack by proclaiming that out of the blue.

Truth is, I felt that ever since I came into this world. Ever since I waited long enough to start to walk, I had to work harder than a normal person. Because sometimes I don't feel I'm normal. I mean, what is normal to me, might not be normal to you. Some people say I'm too straightforward. Some might say I'm too blunt. Either way, I can't please anyone just know how to read the room. Fuck I've been reading the damn room for so long; it's just damn tiring. Although, at times, it's necessary. I get it. Yet, I get the feeling sometimes. It went away for almost over 10 years; however, ever since 2019, it has started to creep up again.

2022 had been a crazy year of trying to find myself, ending my losing the battle against reality. A total of 4 jobs, except for 1 job, lasted me only a week. So technically, it's 5 jobs. That sucks, by the way. I felt I was going crazy. The first one was crazy, like people can't just leave me alone. Here I'm trying to learn, and these fuckers won't leave me alone. Like none of them gives me any fucking respect. In the next one, everyone puts the boss on a pedestal. I mean, if you did something significant, he knowledges but god forbid if anyone pointed out his shit. Yes, I also did my fair share of stupidity over the 6 months. I must give them credit for covering my ass for that. The last straw was when I had to be the messenger of bad news. I was trying to understand how they count their shit, but the big boss decided to change the MF calculation 2 months b4 oath-taking. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? Then he told the snr mgr to tell us the NEW way and inform the candidates; one of them, I had painstakingly handheld to make sure she understood and to tell her the revised way of calculating. I was livid is an understatement. Nope. I'm not going to take that BS way of making your staff listen to you and your staff to get abused by the candidates. The big boss did not care for his staff's well-being. I can't understand why my snr mgr could withstand his abusive ways for over 10 years. For the 3rd one, I was alone in the 2nd mth of the job. It was painful. My accounts were so far behind when the accounts asked me for it I was confused as I wasn't taught that. TL was an amazing pinoy. couldn't ask for a better team leader; they don't deserve her. But I felt so alone, and the tasks were piling up, and I was trying so hard to catch up. There were so many acrobatic moves to understand. It wasn't bad environmentally, but I don't see myself forever there. My last job broke my record of 1 week can be summed up with 1 word. Bitch/s. I guess I don't have the stamina to stand for uncultured swine. Work, work, work.

Now we come to the latest episode, Will I unalive myself today? I went for a job preview yesterday at a parks board. Their office is smack in the middle of it. No kosher food within 20m of the building. there are only 2 timings of free buses. oh, and no air-con in the storage room where they kept the boxes and boxes of paper files. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Even a library full of old books has air-con. Fine. Today I went to another informal/chit-chat session with the snr officers transport office. I admit I like the sense of power having to issue summons. Exciting. However, I felt like I shot myself in the foot again, and the environment would be exactly like the hospital, but I hoped it would be something like the clinic.

Overall I may lose both of them. I don't mind losing the park one, but...I can't cope with the transport one. Hence the episode, will I unalive myself today?

All I want is to be happy.

[theghostus]

Hey. It's day 20 of 2023, and I'm going insane.

I kinda told myself that I'll do better this year by not giving in to my rash behaviour like in 2022. Also, I think I'm dating a bare minimum guy/uncle.

Let me start; I've sent job applications based on what I would like for the rest of my life. Earning, stable and slightly happy. So far, nothing comes up. I went for 1 interview on the 10th. I sent my application in November or late October 2022. They will inform me in 2-3 weeks of the outcome. Yeah right. Sure. Not falling for that shit again.

These days I've some recruitment agencies approaching me. All given me questionable jobs but one. It's a 6-month contract. It's a paying job. I mean, seriously, I'm too afraid to look at my bank account to see if I still afford this house. I'm crossing my fingers and not holding my breath at the same time. Does this make sense at all?

Next, to avoid going to a mental house, I enrolled in a digital marketing course. It starts in a week and includes the weekend and 5 days of intense class. God, help me. Not even sure if the 2 modules can get me 1 of the 3 things I'm aiming for.

Lastly, this CNY, I doubt Le Bf even wants me anywhere near his family. At the same time, I'm relieved. Yet, I keep questioning this relationship. Let's say, hypothetically, I get the perfect bf. He wants every waking with me. Does all the things a bf should do. Ultimately he would want a family, right? No perfect guy doesn't want a family unless he's as messed up as me. I mean, most guys would want children. I am not a good role model to any unimpressionable tiny humans. And the cause of that, I lose him.

As for Le Bf, he is always busy. I try to be his cheerleader. Sometimes I want him to cheer me up. I want to be happy in a relationship for once in my life instead of caring for it alone. Even though I'm jobless, I still meet him in the east (he's working in the east while I stay in the north) at least once a week. Yet eve of CNY, he casually tells me, he thought of going of us checking into a hotel. I already know the answer, but I still ask why not. He replies, hotels are expensive, and it's better doing it at my house. Why did he even bother telling me in the first place? I left on read. Does he want my validation/confirmation/agreement that it's expensive and better fucking at my house instead? Conversations like these give relief that we're not that kind of couple. At the same time, I wonder what my future will be with him?

20/1/2023

[theghostus]

2023

What's up 2023! Also an update from my last post.

That Sat Le Bf wasn't working. He wasn't even replying to my messages, Only told me late at night after I sent him an emotional message that he went out shopping with his aunt threatening to fuck this. He immediately replied (not all, of course) that he will message me tmr. His message was to tell me that we will be having dinner with his BFF and fam. I mean really. He told me he doesn't have money and doesn't want to meet. Sigh. Thinking about this pisses me off.

We met his BFF and fam. His two daughters are cute. The younger one is a little out of control, but they're the parents. They can handle them. I'm the sort of a slow burner with big and little people. I see how they behave and what they're like before I act accordingly. Thankfully they live nearby. Gave them a Xmas present in the form of a bath soap and handwash courtesy of my mum's bingo and award prizes. Le Bf bought his aunt a pair of gold earrings with one of 8 credit cards. I'm thinking of pushing him one last time to cancel 5 of them. Overall was okay. The little monsters were their parents' problem, after all.

Yesterday, my mum and I finally went to Bro's pl. The journey takes 2 buses to reach plus a 15min walk. Their pl is small compared to mine. However, they are cosier and more fun as they have 2 cats. I plan to make a weekly trip there to make friends with the shy cats. Also, le bf is working about 30 mins away from there; it's killing 2 birds with one stone.

I'm on edge whenever I bring mum out, especially around ppl. I can't let my guard down. It's hard, especially when I don't have a job yet. The migraine and the breathlessness are real. The last time I was breathless was when I was at a job where no one was there to help me about 8 years ago. Yesterday my breathlessness was tough as I could feel a sharp pain each time I tried to breathe in. I discovered this wherever I spent about 200 at the mall. Damn you CNY sale.

All I want in a job is to suit my personality or keep me happy enough to stay.

My aunt still hasn't come through. Instead of keeping me updated, she stayed radio silent till I asked. She is pending for my next follow-up on Tues. I'm sure she has a ton of excuses, and all of them are not her fault. Looks like she going to get a monthly follow-up. I need the money to fix up my kitchen. My house looks so fucking empty and lacks the warmth that a home should have. I really want a proper sofa.

Just so damn tired; everything hasn't settled.

Side plot: for CNY, I feel le bf doesn't want me to meet his family. By me meeting his family, he is stating a commitment and telling the family he will have to change religion (yeah, we're an inter-racial 'couple'). He thinks I've forgotten. Time and time again, I've proven to him I DON'T forget. This 14 Jan will be the last time I probably meet and contact him (it's so hard, so so hard not to). Again, I'm not sure if I want that much commitment to him.

This brings me to another social influencer/branding marketer; his relationship. He's gay and born to a Malay Muslim family. He's the eldest of 5 siblings and literally helped his mum put himself and his siblings through school while his dad was in prison. His family is accepting of his orientation and relationship with a Chinese man. They even bought a house together. His partner even met his family. Even his father, who was released from prison last year, met him. The difference is his partner's family doesn't know him (maybe some do) and even his orientation (maybe not all) as he looks like a typical straight guy. His fans have seen his partner on his live Tiktocks while vacationing in Bangkok. So I think Le Bf will keep me away from his family, much like the above scenario. But is that a bad thing, though?

I want to do typical couple things yet keep it lowkey.

8/1/23

[theghostus]

Matters of the Heart

I've been seeing S for 1 year now. I still feel awkward with him. I have so many things to talk to him about. Now we see each other once a week. That is, if we have CPA event together or I went to see him on Sat.

Whenever we have an event together, he will always meet me at my place and get his weekly dose of intimacy. Only then can I talk to him about intimate (couple) things. I regretted not speaking to him about the future last week. Then again, do I want a future with him?

We don't even make future plans or plan any dates. I know he works 6 days a week. Sometimes, I want someone to plan dates on special days at least. He had to bring me to JB only coz he promised me he would take me to Batam, except it clashed with my RN event. I only got to know he went without me on the same day of the event when he changed his WhatsApp profile pic.

The past year, we didn't celebrate Vday coz he was jobless. We didn't get to celebrate my birthday coz he was working. We didn't get to celebrate his birthday coz I thought he was working, but he went to JB with his friend to celebrate. The next one will be the new year. Not sure if he wants to spend any time with me. He tells his colleagues I'm his GF. Sometimes I don't feel like it.

Just texted him, and ask him if he's working this Sat...he replied no. So I asked what is his plans for Sat? So far, no reply. Will keep you updated.

I don't know how to make this man understand my needs.

Does he think I'm as practical as him?

Am I just a woman he can use but not want to spend time with?

21/12/22

[theghostus]

Hey, you...

It's been 6 months since my last update. Fuck.

Since then, I've had 2 jobs. Both are full-time, yet something in them didn't click for me.

My first job was at a physio clinic. I thought, well, during the interview, the Head of Operations summarised the job involved simple 4 things. I was like, cool, it was something I could do. Just do the damn job and go home. Turns out, it needs a lot of my peopling skills. Juggling to do the daily job (talking and scheduling appt based on the treatment plan given), the needing to follow up with clients (and no-show ones) to the daily closing. Not including the therapists' different personalities. The daily meetings (omg). At the end of the day, I was emotionally exhausted. I was stretching myself thin. When I was hired, there were 3 of us. One by one, quit due to reasons, including yours truly. The management assured me they would be hiring more, but I couldn't see myself doing the same thing repeatedly without completing the tasks set out the day before. I don't know what this is. I supposed it's the perfectionist in me, or I'm just nuts.

For the next job, I succumbed to desperation. I agreed blindly, which I came to regret tremendously. The first day was suspiciously relaxed. After all, it's the first day. Lots of writing in my notebook (god damn, y'all don't know how many notebooks I've gone through) and taking the lead from my senior. The second day was a little more hectic but still able to cope with my senior help. Third to the Fourth day, she was on MC. That's when things took a dive. The other admin (seniors) started to push coz they saw me doing nothing. Like, duh, my senior taught me for 2 days; how would I know what I was supposed to do. Oh oh...I forget to tell you. They actually keep track of what tasks admins do. I mean for every 15 min interval. Made me key in all the tasks I had done for the day. Honestly, on the first day, I realised this job was not for me, but I still gave the job a chance. Maybe just maybe, this is just a fluke, you know. Like the day I came in happened to be a busy day. Nope, I was wrong. I was hired as a receptionist with a 45min lunch. Wow. I had to take the mail daily during my lunch. You know why, so the person covering me can update me if anything comes (courier, incoming docs) during lunchtime. Cool. I thought Chinatown was bad...fucking hell, the area was worse. Only 1 Malay food (okay, okay, I'm not exactly practising Muslim, but still, if I'm going eat the Indian food there, it's going dig into my savings) and 7-11 for lunch. Plus, I need my daily cig input. Already I was sucking 4 sticks a day. Sigh. Still, I preserved, hoping I could get through the week. On the fourth day, the senior admin lead gave me a 2hr one to one tutor. So I'm expected to understand and master MYOB in 3-4 days. Well, she didn't need to. She said since she was free, she could. Her time, her call. Each day, I found it hard to complete the timesheet as I didn't meet the 8.75 hrs.

So the Fifth day came, and my senior was still on leave. The lead senior (asst to manager *eye roll*) had expectations that I to be an outgoing person, which I never was when we first met. I know I'm supposed to fake until I make it, but I can no longer do that. Maybe because I have nothing that drives me like before (the evil house). Yes, I'm an anxious empath. I guess that's the problem. I have always found it hard to approach people. I always try to read their body language and expressions. Well, back to the bitch. She got frustrated because I didn't ask the accounts for their dustbins. After all, they always do their housekeeping (vacuuming, throwing the rubbish in the baskets) on Fridays. I mean, 1 team were out for a meeting, so I was supposed to tell them about the throwing the rubbish thing. However, when I thought my other colleague (let's call her Shorty) had informed them, I mean, let's divide and conquer for the 1st week, right? Nope. Strike 1. That's not what the bitch wants me to do. "When I told you to tell/ask/check them for their waste basket, I don't need to tell you how to do right?" So I went to tell/ask/check the rest of the office and collect the rest of them. By then, I had already gone down with Shorty to the bin and returned. "You have to tell/ask/check coz they're busy with work. Now you have to go down again!" Strike 2. After everything has settled, my manager asks to see her. She discussed with me how my week was going. Obviously, I got complained, yet she said I 'observed'. She said all the BS that I knew was coming. I lied again about the difficulties I had. Then she mentioned I opened the wrong client mail and 'explained' the importance of checking and making sure. I truly believed that I was right. Till I check again, to my horror. I opened the wrong mail. Strike 3. I had to cover my tracks. I notice one of the mail is missing. I assumed that's how she knew. I told myself to fuck it. I don't care about the job anymore. I was so mad at myself and everyone I left without switching off the lights and the mail on the table. When I reached the train station, my conscience didn't allow me to board. Thankfully I had not tapped in. I turned around and walked back 10mins. Grabbed the mail, walked 10 mins to the mailbox, and boarded the train. It was the only right thing I had to do when I served my notice on Monday.

Both jobs, of course, the hirer was shocked. I didn't give a damn about what they thought. As usual, I lied; otherwise, they would want to rectify what went wrong. At least at the clinic, I had a few folks chat with me, not about the job. I was super miserable at the accounting firm. I know I said I don't need anyone. Besides but no one went to lunch at the same time as me except the bitch and shorty. The first day, the bitch offered to have lunch together my brain wanted to say yes, but my mouth said no. Good thing I didn't.

So now I'm still unemployed.

It's 3 days till Xmas. One week till 2023.

3 months till my 40th.

Sigh.

I still have this MOE interview pending next year. That's my last full-time interview. After this, I'm done.

I'm just looking for temp jobs...I can't handle the pressure of expectations and being around people. Gonna look for WFH job if I can find one. At least it saves me the transport and lunch money.

Sigh.

2023. Please be kind.

21/12/22

[theghostus]

Hello again...

Gosh, how long has it been? Too long and many things happened.

I've left the hospital (gasp!) and returned to what I thought I was meant to be doing. Sigh. Turns out, I left for nothing. I took a significant pay cut and "awesome" boss to boss who is a crazy control freak and yes-men(women) colleagues. Fuck. So here I am, a desperate woman needing money, off the ship to another life. Again. I start my new job next week, Monday.

I feel the life I always wanted slipping away like holding sand flowing out between my hand.

A saying I always keep returning to; The life I want, I don't get. The life I 'need', I get. Sigh.

During my hospital days, I had a crush. My crush kept my sanity for a year. Just seeing W regulate my sense, allowing me to dream of what if even for a while. I got the crush real bad, W. It got so bad that I'm willing to have his children! And be the woman my mum always want me to be. OMG. However, I got a feeling the 'he's not that into you vibes' from him. I had my last lunch with W (my first lunch with him on CNY eve) to mark the last time I ever cared for him (more for me than him). My last lunch was in June 2021. So I started dating S in late Aug 2021. This 31 Aug marks our 1st Anniversary. My story with S is rocky in the beginning. Right now, I'm not so sure of us. Also, I'm low-key missing W. Did I mention that both S and W used to be colleagues? So yeah, not sure if S knew of my crush. When the staff has seen when I'm so fucking obvious with my crush on W.

Today I hoped to see you Others got in the way Just a glimpse Just a shared look Would be enough to make my day

But I didn't.... In my head You're already mine But Fate has other plans...

Wishing you my birthday gift Just hanging out with you for half day I would cherish it so much Like our lunch together I know I will get what I want My heart is greedy It wants to spend the whole day with you Talking and laughing And getting to know each other

Just being together is enough. Oh, the universe, is that what's love like?

Is this what love is supposed to feel like?

It didn't In my head You're already mine But Fate has other plans...

26/8/2022

[theghostus]

I don’t know why but I feel anxious. Perhaps tomorrow is Monday and I will be alone in the office, like the second time within 2 weeks. Also I usually pay my bills on 1st each month but I can’t coz I’m afraid of using up the serevance pay. Also I’m supposed to get the balance of my rental commission but I’m not sure if they had already included it in the serevance payout. I would probably give a check. 

Today I finally dreamt of something perhaps significant...I dreamt of my hair is jet black with coloured tips...green and blue and yellow and red. Really confusing for me as different colours meant different things.Then I dreamt of me at the bus stop trying to get home (I think) giving me 2 routes, one via YCK (green) and the other via Buona Vista or Bukit Batok (blue) can’t remember which. It even give me bus numbers, 44 (YCK) and 38 0r 39? (BB or BV). I even google the bus routes which gave me the colours like train lines. I didn’t know which I chose coz I had my alarm woke me. For once I didn’t wake up horny despite the freezing my ass off. 

For once in a long time, I felt self-conscious of my looks at my new office/job. I keep thinking people made judgements even before they get to know me (of course I do too but I felt mine is mild compared to them) Especially when they automatically asked if I’m married or have children. I hated that. Half of the time I wanted to scream into they face “I’M JUST FAT OKAY? I’M FAT OKAY!?” And half of the time, I’m afraid I might fuck up. Especially the system the hospital uses that used to assisgn jobs. Yes, they do it manually coz the AI doesn’t know which dept and levels like a human mind does. I guess AI still have their limitations. So yeah that’s what I’m most afraid of. Suprisingly (not really) I’m not afraid of the morgue eventhough my senior is. I felt she is me if I had actually paid attention in school and have a personality that makes people comfortable instantly. Wishing I could just soak up everything and just get the 2 year done with. I’m fine with having lunch alone at times. She keeps telling me how she and my predecessor learnt on the job. Well, thank you for the encouragment? Honey, I would very much like to but I’m afraid I’ll get lost. But I have no choice, I chose the bed because I’m desparate woman. My life is just not my own regardless what others say. 

4 days of lunching with her almost drive me insane. Perhaps I used to be alone. Too long of doing things by myself. 

I tried so fucking hard, partly is because of me but everyday I wake up all I could think of is just survive this life and reach end of the tunnel where I can finally sleep. I can’t say if I’ve a hobby anymore...nothing makes me happy anymore. Like I said, everything I do, I do it for survival. At least at the last job my sweet crush made is slightly bareable knowing I might see him at the counter. Knowing he might be there eventhough he might be busy doing work, just his presence is enough to pretend he actually has a crush on me. Sometimes I wish my heart would stop these unecessary feelings but without it I couldn’t calm myself down, the lack of endorpines might give away to depression. 

Sometimes I wish I had someone who I can be myself with. Yeah, I have 2 one local who grounds me and the other overseas who takes flight with me. Sometimes, I wish that someone would be like Horatio. Sometimes I would like that someone be like my sweet crush. Sometimes all I want is to be hugged and loved on my worst days. Sometimes I don’t want to worry about the future, I know it hasn’t happened yet but it the present determined the outcome. Sometimes I don’t want to worry about money. Sometimes I want to be with someone who make me forget all my insecurities; that someone who can show me how to live instead of just survive.

Okay I’ve done with the schedule of hurting my own feelings for the day. Now back to the regular schedule program of numbing myself with whatever.

Oh and Happy New Year you miserable animals!

03/01/2021

[theghostus]

I fucking wrote something earlier but the turd of tumblr erased it...damn mf!

Sigh...

What can I tell you it's been a fucking fucked up roller coaster ride of the year.

Besides the covid hell, over the last 2 years I've been trying to get out from my shithole of a job except I've failed miserably by something or someone (myself mainly) so I thought fuck it I'm gonna accept come what may eventhough pretty much everything has dried up on my side including my passion (which oddly enough didn't translate to my manager). Just when I'm in my happy place despite doing nothing I got retrenched. I put on my clown face to hide my crushed heart. So my CV is pretty much prefect but not prefect enough for other companies to hire me.

My 1st month i was in denial. My 2nd month I was deep in depression mode. I was applying left and right. None came back to me with only one interview with a well-known bitch as I got the vibe from HR who also attended the interview. Who happens to be from a very well-known university famous for its wrong reasons. By the 3rd month i was depressed and desperate. When I read dubious job advert from a well-known hospital I went for it. I was a very desperate woman with payments to my house is on the line. Little did I know I was right. I hate being right.

I was hesitated to apply but I cave into my desperation. I was on my mum's next hospital appointment (no not the same one) when I was called for the interview. I was definitely surprised (in horror mostly) that I even got an interview.

So I went of course I was curious about the job description coz it doesn't say much. Oh boy how they laid it all out for me...I was listening in horror to the details when they mentioned the morgue. They were afraid I was uncomfortable with it. If only they knew they had me at the word morgue. I had to down play my excitement. I did my song and dance like I hope I did good enough. I didn't hold any hope in it coz I immediately applied for another job when I saw it was in education (my forte) but I didn't need to wait that long.

A week or so later while I was making tea taking a break from learning online course I got the call. The Hospital actually offered me the position. I supposed I wasn't the only desperate ones. I was okay cool grateful I've a job. Then the next bombshell I was offered more than what I was expecting. $600 more to be exact. I had to ask HR to repeat the amount. Twice. HR just act nonchalantly it's before tax. In my mind I was like that's $400 more I've in my hand in my last job. So I was fucked and said yes.

The first day quite the culture shock. Both seniors shooting nuclear bombs at telling me about the job. I had to admit they were doing my head in. The same day also happens to be my 1st period so I was double bummed. I was proud of myself that I managed to hold on to my tongue despite my uncomfortableness.

Next week is my 2nd week on the job. I need all the fucking luck I can summon beg borrow or steal to make me stay in this job. Especially when they told me the last admin aka sup left only after a few months. What a vote of confidence.

My tale won't be complete without telling you about my love life. Still none. Not enough cute guys since I left my gym. Not even cute doctors 😕 Besides I need to get me some fairy lucky dust for this job. The payment will be my heart/love. Nothing comes for free right?

My heart will be closed forever. Or till I'm made to move this job.

Went with mum to watch Wonder Woman 1984. Main storyline is wholesome saccharine with family values. The main part that had my eyes bawling when the antagonist love for his son had overcome his madness for power. Still hurts when I recall it. If only there's someone in my life that way...

The next part is Diana. All she wanted was Steve. She got her wish it weaken her powers...endangering her life and everyone else. I love how Steve looks so excited and wide eyed when Diana explain things in the future. I was watching her heart slowly melting. Seeing her happy with someone whom she can lay her head down after a hard day work. Trusting Steve with all her heart knowing he would never betray her. However Steve realised his fate and accepted it. She had to choose. Its her final decision breaks my heart.

PP has chosen or given roles well...all 3 of them he was made to play dads. Now all I want is PP to be the father of my children. Damn you movies (seriously I really would I don't even care if he put on weight. All I want is him). CE would also make a great dad however if he's still in his playboy ways no woman will want to settle down with him. He has great potential but he's too wild.

So that's my unrealistic dreams. See you in 2021.