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cries in FML

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no neurodivergent infighting here

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you know what it is? it's the mom friend thing. I'm here for people when they need me, and I love being that friend, the one that can listen and offer suggestions and a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on

but damnit I want to be someone's Mommy. I want them to think of me whenever they make a choice, and how I will feel about it. I want someone who will be obsessed with me. Is that really too much to ask?

going to brunch with a couple of local friends, and I had to schedule it out a couple of months in advance because their schedule is so full

meanwhile they post about doing things together all the time

I don't begrudge them their friendship but I wish I wasn't an afterthought to everyone, having to beg for every ounce of attention.

It feels like I'm somebody you used to know to everyone, even people I talk to regularly. I don't remember the last time someone reached out to me to hang out. Might have been last spring? Before my surgery, certainly

[thegreatempty]

going to brunch with a couple of local friends, and I had to schedule it out a couple of months in advance because their schedule is so full

meanwhile they post about doing things together all the time

I don't begrudge them their friendship but I wish I wasn't an afterthought to everyone, having to beg for every ounce of attention.

It feels like I'm somebody you used to know to everyone, even people I talk to regularly. I don't remember the last time someone reached out to me to hang out. Might have been last spring? Before my surgery, certainly

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I'm pissed as fuck rn. I had a 3:20 appointment. the train was late, I got to the information desk. he didn't know where the clinic was. He definitely found me in the system. and rather than call someone or point me to the another help desk he sent me to a nearby clinic to ask them. the clinic was super busy and I couldn't talk to anyone so I had to find a different help desk on my own. they told me where to go, but by the time I got in there and got the clinic desk person's attention I was 20 minutes late, and they said _too bad_.

they did finally let me talk to the Dr, the one they scheduled me with, and she said she wasn't able to do the procedure that I was there for. she also completely blew me off on the single most important question I had.

anyway, I'm probably going to need a revision soon because of how fucked up today was

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reblog to remind prev they're not a bother and their presence is wanted <3

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50+ here!

Why the fuck are you 30+ on tumblr

this is my house?

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fuck I woke up . should i troll my west coast friends?

nah, to brain fuck...

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fuck can someone check up on me to make sure im alive tomorrow? i think i forgot my meds last night and now im freezing and my brain is being mean to me

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struggling to eat. getting worried about it. i was below 72kg this morning, meaning i've lost 5 kilos this month.

i just have no appetite. i was hoping that turning my spiral around yesterday would mean i could eat again, but i guess not. it's physically impossible to get more than one meal a day, and today that was one street taco and i can't even finish that

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Full of love AND anger.

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one source of anxiety for me right now is my healing. My clit is still enormous, my vulva very uneven, and now I have some kind of sore; I've dropped two dilator sizes to see if that will help until I can talk to my surgeon. the surgeon has been trying to convince me that what I have is just normal variance, but if a cis woman looked like this she would be seeking plastic surgery and her insurance would probably cover it. like. yes there are differences, but when have a nose job it's reasonable to think it won't look broken and askew I'm annoyed and not sure what to do; I have a weekend party in a few months, and if they got me in tomorrow to do a revision, I might not be healed enough to take part in the planned activities. If it's not going to heal more than it is, if it's going to look like this without a revision, and especially if the whole think is painful to the touch, I will also not be able to participate. anyway, picture below cut; this very much is not sexy

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really not in the best headspace, though it's getting better. Stress is bad for everyone, but I've recognized recently that it really does both increase the intensity and unpleasantness of my delusions but it also makes it harder to tell when I'm having them, or to deal with them

when I'm not stressed, I don't get them at all. A little stress, and I can use the evidence of my senses and just thinking through things to make them into something I can laugh at and ignore

but at the point I'm at now? I'm having to protect myself from things that aren't real, and I can't just not because I don't know which things they are.

I'm sure it will pass, I'm working with my therapist about it, but I'm scared that by the time I'm back to myself many of my friends will have decided I'm too much and left my life

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A writing server I'm on is doing a virtual poetry workshop on Sunday and I have a poem that's been kicking my ass. Getting good feedback would be helpful, but I've never been to a writer's workshop where I got actual good advice, or even positive criticism. Just a lot of your writing is bad and here's why it should be like mine

so even though this one specifically says only positive criticism I'm still intimidated

plus they want me to past the poem into a google doc and then share that link and just. I don't put my writing in google docs. I don't trust them to not take what you've written to use however they please

so I'm not signing up but it makes me feel sad, and also like I'm bad for not being brave enough to sign up and not knowing a way to keep google from stealing my poem

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