thegrime

[thegrime]

Local Loser Goes To The Movies Alone

Last night, Thursday July 2nd, a sad fucking loser attended a 9:30 p.m. screening of the film Jumanji: The Next Level all by himself. The poor bastard reportedly purchased his single ticket from a kiosk inside the Moonlight Cinema, ordered a medium popcorn, a pack of Twizzlers, and a medium Diet Coke from the concession stand, and then proceeded to meticulously scout out a seat near the front of the theater, where, according to the pathetic dork, “nobody really bothers you.”

Sources have confirmed that the only people the man has talked to today are movie theater employees. The fact that the man uses the ticket kiosk to avoid talking to theater employees is sad on a social and psychological level, reports indicate.

“I like going to movies alone, especially during the day when it’s not too crowded,” said the sad man, who attended the first Jumanji movie by himself three years ago.

In a sight that many later called “devastating,” the individual who wasn’t sharing his movie going experience with anyone was the only one in the theater to laugh out loud at the previews. “I like the previews,” said the man, who, deep inside, must be—just must be—fucking miserable. “I don’t care when there are a lot of them. At night sometimes I’ll just sit [alone] on my bed and watch movie trailers on my computer.”

In addition, sources confirmed the poor sonofabitch acted slightly upset—as if his movie going experience had been disturbed—when he had to sit up in his chair and make room for two other patrons who wanted to get by him to get to their seats.

[thegrime]

Local Woman Ready To Take Relationship To Previous Level

Following a romantic three-day getaway to the Royal Flush Hotel & Casino, 32-year-old Karen Gallagher said she is now "more ready than ever" to take her 5-month relationship with boyfriend James Davis to the previous level.

"After spending every waking moment with James for 72 hours, I know in my heart that I'm prepared to see his face twice, maybe even once a week," said Gallagher, who met Davis, 34, at a friend's New Year's party in January. “Maybe soon enough we will start seeing other people.”

Gallagher claimed she has been considering "taking the big leap backward" since Davis suggested last month that the two get a cat and share custody. The weekend of uninterrupted intimacy served to erase whatever reservations Gallagher may still have held about the move, especially after discovering that Davis snored and passed gas uninterruptedly through out the night.