theheartbrokenboylove-blog - Tumblr blog

[theheartbrokenboylove-blog]

The Aftermath

Knowing that Paige was no longer in my life, sucked... REAL BADLY! She was going to be there for my graduation. We had already made plans for her to visit me in college. It sucks knowing she won’t be there for my major accomplishments. She wasn’t going to be there when I made the top 5% Academic Award, top 25 of my graduating class, my Leadership group graduation, Prom, graduation. I thought she was going to be apart of all of that. I felt lonely. Sometimes I still do. What I learned is to stay true to myself. I lost myself in the span of that 10 months. I did everything Paige wanted to because I thought if I did everything she wanted, she would finally give me a chance. I hated running, but I only stayed in track for her. The unnecessary drama from the Track team involving Paige and I could have been avoided if I followed my gut and found a hobby I truly enjoyed. I started questioning my friends if they were really my friends. I realized they were. I realized I was more than just a boy who liked a girl named Paige. I was more than just a boy that LOVED Paige. I was me. I could achieve anything. I started doing what I wanted to do. I basically quit track. I showed up to practice every once in awhile, and skipped most track meets. I just showed up for my easy A. I started hanging out with my friends. I’m just starting to love myself again. I’m starting to enjoy the little things in life. I’m starting to enjoy my own company. It has been 4 months since I last talked to her, and I still miss her, but I’m starting to realize I can live without her. Deep down, I will always care and love her, but I am going to find someone someday who feels the same love and compassion for me as I do them. I wish I could have done things differently. Who knows, maybe we would be just friends, maybe we would be dating, or maybe we would have ended our friendship regardless. What I gained from this experience is: everything happens for a reason. What happens molds you into the person you are, and I’ve become a more loving person since my heartbreak with Paige. I only wish for the best in people. That’s my story. The end. 

[theheartbrokenboylove-blog]

The End

This is the end. One day, at a track meet, we were spending time together, and she kept throwing in my face that she friend-zoned me, and wrote on my arms in multiple places. While I was okay with that, I started to realize I deserved better. That’s not why things ended. She had asked what my friends said about her. To be honest, I didn’t even remember what my friends said about her, so I told her I don’t remember. I was being honest with her. That Monday after prom, I asked why she wanted to know, and she said, “Because your friend are bitches.” Maybe I could have asked more politely, but I was offended that she was trying to make me disregard my friends’ loyalty and trust. After all, why would it matter what my friends thought of her if I was just some random “friend” of hers. That night, we ended our streak on Snapchat. She ended up blocking me on Instagram after I decided to delete the pictures of us. I took her and her friends off of my Snapchat. That week was harder than November 12th. I felt like I had lost my other half. Who was I going to confide in now when things got tough? Who was I going to send silly memes too? Who was I going to spam on Snapchat with silly pics? Who was going to be my friend after this? I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was. I had spent the past 10 months going after a girl, just for it to fall apart in one day, over something so childish that could have been avoided. Seeing her at track meets, knowing that is who I hung out with, and now I couldn’t made me feel lonely. I loved her, and she knew it. I never wanted to hurt her, but I did. I truly believe it was my fault.  

[theheartbrokenboylove-blog]

THE LONG MIDDLE PT. 2

Continuing where we left off, I had fallen in love with Paige even more. We even started watching a show together: Grey’s Anatomy. Now, here is where things get even more complicated: she had a new boyfriend named Noah. We were running one day and she told me he cheated on her, and was asking other people if she should give him another chance. I said no, and her response was, “You don’t have a say in this.” Of course, I said no because I liked her, but I also said no because she deserved someone who would put her first, who would love her endlessly, and who would never think of treating a woman with disrespect. I didn’t want someone I loved so much to get hurt so badly. They ended up breaking up because he cheated again. She was sad and heartbroken, and I felt sad and heartbroken because someone had the audacity to hurt not once, but TWICE. I was sad that she had to go through something so traumatic. I ended up telling her, “If he doesn’t see how beautiful you are, he isn’t worth it.” Now, usually I’m a sarcastic person, but when I give compliments I mean them. I don’t give compliments out like candy because people are cruel and shitty. I never wanted to see Paige heartbroken again. One night, during spring break, she decided that we would go to her friend’s softball game. Of course I was excited that I would spend hours with her just hanging out and doing something she enjoyed. I don’t enjoy softball, but for her I would do it. I found out that she had kept the corn I gave her for Halloween. (Back story: She wanted a can of vegetables for Halloween instead of candy. I put a can of corn in my backpack and waited until 2:15 at school to give it to her.) It made me smile knowing that I had made her happy. That day I found out that her best friend and Paige’s parents wanted us to date. That made me smile, making me think I had some sort of chance once again. Foolishly, I fell more in love. Prom was coming up, and I wanted to ask Paige because I really liked her. She asked me if I was taking anyone to prom. I told her no, and she said, “You want to ask me, but you’re scared I’m going to say no, right?” I told her that I was afraid of that. I ended up finding out a week before prom that she would have said yes if I asked in her a romantic way. Who knows where we would be if I did that. Here is where everything unravels. 

[theheartbrokenboylove-blog]

THE LONG MIDDLE

I finally gained the confidence to tell her I liked her. She said she already knew I liked her. November 12th is the day I’ll never forget. I picked her up for our state cross-country meet that our school was hosting that year. I was happy because we were spending time together. I loved spending time with her and it was so easy to pass time with her. We ended helping at the same spot on the cross-country course. We laughed, told stories, and enjoyed each others’ company. I dropped her off at her house after we finished. We were going to go to a party that night for the cross-country team at one of the member’s house. We went. That’s where it all went south. We started playing truth or dare. Knowing that if I picked dare, they would probably dare me to kiss Paige, or something similar. I was always nervous around her and I had enough respect not to. I instead chose truth. They asked me if I liked Paige. I said yes. It was Paige’s turn now. The team members asked Paige if I ever had a chance with her and she said no. While you may think that’s the end of the story, it’s not. After that, I felt like I was about to cry. All I wanted to do was the leave the party and cry. What really was the cherry on top was when she asked me if I was okay. I said, “yeah, I’m fine.” I was anything but fine. The girl I was starting to fall in love with said I had no chance with her. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. We all decided to go to IHOP afterwards, and out of all the seats at the tables we pushed together, she decided to sit by me. Now, you’re probably thinking that I pushed the situation, but I wanted to distance myself. I knew where I stood, and I wanted to find a way to move on. I was sad, and every second she sat next to me, I was reminded I wasn’t good enough for her. I was never going to be good enough. I did not deserve a chance with such a beautiful girl, but I definitely wanted one. Usually I walked her to her car before we went to cross-country practice, and I decided I wasn’t going to wait for her. I wanted to move on. I didn’t want to be reminded I wasn’t good enough for her. I wasn’t worthy of anything. I wanted to find someone who liked me for me. She got mad at me for not waiting. The next day, I decided to walk with her because my stupid self thought, “Well if we can’t date, we can be friends. My feelings won’t get in the way.” Boy, was I wrong. Instead of moving on, I fell more in love with her. I don’t know why. She just had this effect on me that I can’t describe. One day before Thanksgiving break, she told me, “Don’t try and get over me until you get to college because I want you in my life.” That to me, meant that I had a chance. Again, I was wrong. I just fell in love with her more though. 

[theheartbrokenboylove-blog]

The Beginning

We began our tumultuous friendship over hating the same people on our cross-country team. After awhile, I realized I liked her -- A LOT! I didn’t know that I was going to fall in love with her. You never know if you’re going to fall in love with a person. Something just felt right about her. We had similar beliefs, we enjoyed similar things, so why not? We started running together every day, forming a strong friendship. I ended up telling one of our mutual friends that I had a huge crush on her. Everyone already could tell I liked her. Every time someone mentioned her name, I blushed. Something about her gave me butterflies in my stomach, even after she broke my heart. Every time she talked about another boy she liked in front of me, I felt jealous, I felt sad. I didn’t want to ruin a friendship, but I didn’t want to hide my feelings. I wanted her to be treated like the woman she was. She was beautiful, smart, compassionate, tough, full of ingenuity. She was a dream girl. She wasn’t the most popular or the smartest; she was your average, All-American girl. We followed each other on Instagram and added each other on Snapchat. We started a streak, after being friends for about a month. I couldn’t believe she was talking to me because I was me, and she was what I stated above. I thought she was WAY out of my league. 

[theheartbrokenboylove-blog]

The First Time

Now, if you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking that I’m talking about sex. I’m not. It was my senior year, and I met this girl through cross-country practice. Her name was Paige. I didn’t know how much of an impact she would have on me. I didn’t realize I was going to fall in love with a person who saw nothing in me. You don’t realize how people will change your life in an instant. She changed mine.