theimpossiblegirl75-blog - Tumblr blog

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Forgiveness

Over a year ago I remember reading a quote from Gandhi about how only the strong can forgive. And I was pissed off about it. There are some things that can’t or should never be forgiven. I had some stuff happen and I was not about to forgive for it.  Or to forgive someone who never asked for it. I kept thinking that if I forgave, it just means that I was okay with what they did. that it was no big deal. mistakes happen. Screw that!!! I wanted them to feel my anger in their sleep. But after a while, I knew I had to forgive them. It was too toxic for me to keep this bitterness inside.  and if i could forgive I could move on and be happy. It wasn’t easy but anger is so exhausting. You want the other person to rot but how can you even do that if they’re not sorry or haven’t even asked to be forgiven. They saw nothing wrong so they can sleep at night knowing they’re grade A assholes. I had to do it for me. So I could sleep and find peace. And if they did or not, who cares

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Captain America: Civil War - BTS

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Am I in the wrong?

Or maybe just cynical? I don’t know. The reason I ask is because I was called out for not caring about the junk a facebook friend posts. Why should I? They post all the mundane and boring details of their day. Um...congratulations on taking your kids to school? For doing laundry? Going grocery shopping? Hanging out with your kids? I mean let’s be serious here. You’re doing things every parent should be doing with their kids and 99% are doing these things. And you want “likes”? For what? I just don’t care. It’s called being an adult. Millions do it every day. Ya ain’t special. And then there’s the “vague but I need attention” posters. Posting junk like “why me?’ or some other vague crap. It’s a cry for attention and I’m not giving it. Keep it to yourself or call your mom. I see like 12 vague posts a day from the same person and I really do wanna post in bold capital letters “save the drama for your mama”. I had to use the “snooze” button just so  i don’t see it. lts just sad that they’re trying too hard to be perfect. I’m sorry but I’m going to have to cancel my subscription to your issues. 

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Starting to let go

Day by day I'm beginning to let go a little more. My new guy has been so understanding and patient and I'm not afraid to tell him anything. With him I'm not afraid to talk to my family, my children or my coworkers. With him I'm not afraid to run errands alone. With him I am NOT AFRAID. You made me scared of everything. Making me believe that your anger and accusations were out of love. Seriously??!!! That's your idea of love??!! Whoever taught you that was seriously fucked in the head!!! Couldn't have been your grandparents. They took you in and fed you and clothed you. Gave you opportunities that many kids would never have. Took you places that many may never go. They cared for you and you show them your "love" by being inconsiderate, rude, hateful, demanding, and destructive. You honestly think they "owe" you something?! Wrong, asshole! They took you in. They didn't have to. It sucks that your parents cared more for drugs, alcohol and partying than they cared for you. Life doesn't hand us the parents we want. You use their addictions as an excuse for your shitty behavior. News flash: people have been thru alot worse than you and rose above it. You are not special. Just stupid. You don't care or love your friends. You talk shit about them every chance you get and honestly if they knew, you'd have none left. You know nothing and you are nothing more to me than a lesson learned.

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She can have your shady lying ass

You blamed me for months for your drinking and the violent behavior. You accused me of cheating and when I defended myself, you told me that it was a sign of guilt. You tried to strip me of my self worth. Something I had worked for years to obtain. And the whole time your ex was in contact with you. Yes you did tell me but you justified it by saying "At least I told you!" Fuck that shit!!! Who taught you what a good relationship is?? Certainly not your grandparents who raised your sorry ass. They knew you treated me like shit and that if you didn't get your act together I'd be gone. Not your friends who you bashed time after time (who, by the way, would rather set you on fire than talk to you if they knew all the shit you said about them) who told you the same damn thing. Hell, even your parents knew you were and are a total fuckboy. It was your ex. The ex who knew you were with me and still made plans to hookup. Your ex who made a fake account to friend you again. She wanted you badly enough to fuck us up!! Well congrats to you both. She can have you. I'd sooner eat broken glass than to deal with you. Just the fact that you live in the same planet makes me sick. You are a fucked up demented, selfish pathetic waste of space. Walking away from you was hard but it gets so much better everyday I don't have to deal with you bitching and crying like a spoiled housewife. I have someone new who actually has his shit together. He makes me happy and I look forward to seeing him. He spoils me not with things but with attention and sometimes food. He is better than you at other things but I don't wanna mention them considering you'd have a hard time measuring up. Poor little man and his short comings.

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New beginnings.

So its been a while since I wrote anything due to not being able to write anything without the tears flowing. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 2 months. Not that I'd want to. He barely enters my mind except when I start overthinking. Ugh!! My one and only regret is that I did not take back the beautiful snake I gave him for Valentines Day 2 yrs ago. I would go get it but that means seeing the demons of my past. I had a realization a few days ago and it was a brutal wake up call. When I told him that he saw me as something that needed to be destroyed I only saw it as maybe mentally broken. It dawned on me that he wanted me to die. He would break me down knowing my history of mental illness and used it against me. He wanted to know all my past and use it to hurt me. I believe he wanted me to end my life. It was a sick game. He wanted me to go crazy to make me look like the evil one and not him. It's scary as hell. It's sick. What kind of sick fuck tells you he loves you more than anything and tries to destroy you by making you want to die. I'm not sure there's a word for this psychopath that fits the true evil that lurks in his soul. But all I know is that his soul is darkness and evil and hatred so vile that he will kill all those close to him. I only saw the destruction for 2 yrs. I'm glad I'm free. I broke away and feel lighter and able to breathe. I met someone new and while it's at the early stages I feel happy again. I feel positive vibes and energy from him. Something I did not feel with the monster. The new guy adores me and I adore him. I feel comfort and peace. And I love that feeling. Here's to healing and purging the toxins.

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When does the hurt stop?

A kinda stupid question to ask considering I spent 2 yrs getting my heart broken over and over by someone I loved to the ends of the universe. A boy who thought it was okay to ridicule my age(I was 11 yes older than him), ridicule my weight, my clothes, just about everything. He would think it was a game to tell me he could be out having threesomes with skinny beautiful blondes. He would compare me to his ex-girlfriend. He would even go so far as to contact her for hookups. And like the worlds biggest idiot, I stayed. He would make promises he never intended to keep. His ugly heart and hatred for me kept getting worse. The stories are ugly and sick. And this I'd my therapy. I know I didn't deserve any of the awful things he said and did to me. And believe me, there were some terrible things. But one thing everyone tells me is to let him go. Easier said than done, right? I think the only way to let go is to get all the hurt out of my head. By writing, maybe I can open someone's eyes and I can heal myself. I was once a confident happy woman. Paid the bills, had my own place and car. Three happy kids who are the light of my world. But this man-child took everything I was and destroyed it. and stupid me let him because I believed his lies. They say actions speak louder than words. His actions spoke volumes. His words were sweet lies used to manipulate me. His friends, his family, even my family don't know the whole story. So I'm writing it here. I know I will find my happily ever after.