theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

4/16/18

A brand new year and no posts in roughly 5 months. A good sign. But a bittersweet one to have only made it 5 months. Thought I was over you. I think I was, not completely but mostly. Now I’m here again because I might have mistakingly rekindled this crush of mine. Bad habits die hard I guess. I can believe this would again but I wish it hadn’t because I know that it will just stress me out. From a logical standpoint, I would subdue all my feelings for this girl and it’d be over with and I can move on with my life. I guess here’s a start, yet again, to trying to lose feelings for you. This can’t keep happening. I don’t want to end up like one of these desperate guys longing for an unreachable girl. Writing this right now is actually making me feel worse so I’m going to stop here. Let’s hope I never come back so I can be happy again.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

12/4/17

Near the end of the year. This entire semester has been something surely. Started off strong and amazing and then hit a hump in the road and now we’re slugging along. I just finished listening to april’s playlist and laying here listening to music is nice. I’ve been really appreciative of music lately and it feels good. Listening to that playlist I’ve learned a lot about her. I’ve learned that music is very intimate for her although I should have already known that. Also that she might just be as sad as I once was. I need to think about what would have made me happy in times like those. I wonder how much she still loves him. I wonder how much he loves her. I hope he realizes the mistake he made of letting her go. I want her to be happy and if that means being with him again then I’m all for it. Nothing is better to see than someone to ill see the light of day again. Happiness is what we should strive for and seeing her happy would be my happiness. If she doesn’t get back with him then I hope she finds someone who will take care of her as good, if not better, as he did. I just want you to be happy.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

11/28/17

Hi. It’s been some time and I haven’t been here much which is a good thing. I love writing and I just decided to stop by and say a little something. I’ve been okay lately. Recovering from previous emotional issues and recovering still but I think I’m through the bulk of it. I’m still very on and off about my emotions about April. Sometimes I won’t think about her at all and sometimes I really wished things worked out. I’ve learned so much from just these few short months of falling madly in love with this brand new person I’ve met. I’ve learned that maybe I shouldn’t set my mind too strictly on things and also I’ve learned what depression feels like. It might sound ignorant because it’s all so short lived but I’ve never felt so strongly about these types of feelings before. I’m glad I went through with it and now that I can see more clearly, I still wish things worked out. I think she’s an absolutely wonderful human being besides her flaws, she’s probably the closest thing to my type that I’ve met. I obviously don’t want to say perfect but if I could then she would be damn close. It’s silly. I know. I just hope I can continue to make it through this recovery process and be happy again. I am happy for the most part right now but sometimes I just have that yearning. Always have faith, remember, if anything, this. Hope is what will keep you from dark places.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

11/11/17

I feel amazing. Today I felt myself again. Feels good to be powerful, to have control. I want this desire to be powerful, to be better, all the time. This is who I am.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

11/8/17

“If we’re both going crazy, we’ll go crazy together”

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

11/6/17

What a horrible weekend it has been for me. I really can’t seem to function all too well it seems but the days go on and recovery is well underway. I’m going to make sure I’m back ontop of my homework and working and eating again. Just the last few weeks have not been so good but you know I think for once things might be looking alright. I just want to get back to normal again or at least the motivated and dedicated person I was at the beginning of the semester. I’m going to need to guy back by next semester because man it’s going to be a rough one. Stress and lots of work and more stress and probably too much procrastination. Honestly I should probably write here more often because it feels good. It feels good to let out what you want to say even though it’s not going to meet a reply of any sorts. I’m just hoping that I can make it through this semester. I’m already worrying about the next when I should be worrying about this one. I can’t seem to focus on the things right infront of me, all I want is constant stimulation. I have a problem or I’ve gotten addicted to that stimulation but either way it’s a problem. Maybe I just need to get away from everyone for once and just relax. I need to take it what this world is and what I am and realize what it is I’m doing here. Nah that’s too much thought. I just want to be somewhere alone and somewhere quiet. I want to let myself go. I need to get away from these thoughts and get away from the constant stimulation to make me feel like I’m worth something.

I feel like I’ve finally reached some climax in this whole ordeal and this is the road to new beginnings and least I’d like to hope. I want to make these two roads seperate but I don’t want them to be apart. I want to realize that other side is there and realize that I chose the right side. This is the only way to deal with things for someone like me who can’t get out of their own head. It needs to be done this way otherwise I’d scar myself for life and live with regret for as long as I can remember. Don’t regret this. Live with it and learn from it. Learning from your mistakes will always outway immediate satisfaction because you have a long life ahead of yourself. You’re just a kid remember that and in this world you’re lucky because you’re a guy. You can still learn.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

11/2/17

Well I just told you that I’d show you all of this. I know that whatever the outcome will be I’ll be okay but I hope that whatever it is, all I’ll be worried about is what you will think after all of this. I know you hate feeling but maybe it is better this way. It kills me inside not being able to tell you everything and be comfortable with it. I feel like if I’m able to be completely open with you that I will grow as a person so I might just be doing this for my own selfish reasons but I need to care about my own well being sometimes too. Ever since I met you all I did was think about what I could do to make myself familiar to you. I guess this helps me learn to be more myself around people, around you most of all. If I am completely able to be myself around you or anyone then I’d be so much happier. I guess this was the purpose of telling you about this blog, so I could be happier. I needed this to happen. After you get to this point I want to know how rediculous you think this all is. Am I crazy for writing all of this? I guess I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for how much I cared about you. I’ve met someone in my life I cared so much about that I worry about every single action I take. Rediculous and insane. This is my way out of insanity however. I’m physically prepared for any repercussions this may cause but mentally I know I will burdened. I’m truly sorry for all of this if I caused any heartache for you or any distress, you don’t deserve any of this. Even if one day you disappear from my life, you’ve set your place and I will worry about how you’re doing or whether or not your mental health issues have improved or just whether you’re happy. No matter what happens april, you’ll always be someone I truly care about.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

11/1/17

I’m in a tough spot right now. Just completely conflicted. I am debating whether or not I should show you this blog or even tell you what I may be thinking. There’s so many things I love about you. I love seeing you, I love being around you, I love the way you look at me, I love the hugs you give, I love seeing how happy you are around your friends, the list goes on and on but I think I’ll stop here. I can’t help but think that maybe I am so infatuated with you because you give me the slightest bit of attention and since I’ve been alone for so long, this makes me completely attached to you. I really hope that’s not why. Looking back at these posts I really just sound so desperately needy. This is why I’m so afraid of showing you this. You are my friend, a good friend, and I feel like it’s just so early, so early that I don’t want to mess it up. I enjoy your company more than I’ve enjoyed anyones company. I just want you.

That is my biggest fear right now. Losing you completely. I feel disgusted by the thought of how I am. What kind of person would want someone like me to be their partner. It’s also disgusting to think how fast I feel like I fell in love with you. I literally just met you about two months ago. Two months seems so short especially when we hardly talked for almost two weeks. A month and a half, I just met this person and now I feel like I can hardly live without them. This is stupid, immature, and completely irrational. Apparently I’m just an incredibly irrational person because I don’t feel this way about this. I feel like I just met the girl of my dreams. I just remembered having a dream about sitting at the koipond with a really nice girl. I talked to Jasmine about this and I wonder if she remembers. That was a semester before I met you and you fit into that role absolitely perfectly as if that dream was from the future. I didn’t realize it until now. You are literally and figuratively the girl of my dreams. The worst part about this is all is that I have thoughts about me being the not so perfect guy for you. I want you to be happy and I know I can make you happy but what if someone out there can make you even happier. I don’t want to take that opportunity away from you. But at the same time I do, I want to try and I want to succeed at being that guy for you. I want to be the person that makes you feel like you’re home.

Fuck. So many thoughts I just don’t know what to write anymore. Memories don’t require a thought process though. There’s things I want to say to you and it wouldn’t be right putting them here because these are my thoughts about you not thoughts for you. I want to be able tell you the thoughts for you in person while here I just want to complain and let my feelings out. I just want to hold you right now. I just want you in my arms next to me. I want to be happy with you. Damnit I’m just in love with you.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

10/28/17

I’m in love with you.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

10/26/17

Hey. It’s late and thoughts are flowing so I thought I might as well write them down. I think I want to do something for myself for once. Something truly selfish and tell you everything that I’ve been thinking. I’ve been holding back and always have because I have a philosophy of not intervening with peoples lives by telling something that would make them care about me. I guess I don’t let people care about me. This once though I feel that maybe I should just force you to have to listen to me and spend your time and energy thinking about what I have said. Even that sentence is rediculous sounding because I just want people to be happy but it’s hard trying to make yourself happy. I found happiness in you. Things haven’t been so well recently but at least I know that for once I was happy enough to have to feel this way. It almost makes me happy thinking about the fact that I enjoyed being alive for once. I am not suicidal or a nihilist, I just live my life by riding the flow. I realized that maybe being happy is more than that so that’s why I feel I should voice my opinions. Writing this isn’t even truly how I think. I feel writing has to have a flow but when you’re just thinking it’s almost random. One thought to the next without a need for explanation becaus you know yourself so well. Here in the physical world everything need to make sense otherwise it is literally useless information. Besides the point, I really miss just talking to you constantly and feeling as if I was important enough in someone elses life to go out of their way to talk to me. I guess I’ve just been extremely lonely lately. I’ve fallen in my mood since the beginning of writing this because of the thoughts that run through my mind as I write it. I almost feel unmotivated to finish but I need to push through and finish. But I think now I am finished. I just want to sleep and have my body relax. Goodnight.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

10/24/17

I feel like it gets harder and harder everyday coping with the thought of just being friends. I find myself constantly thinking about you even though I know it’s best if I don’t. I think I just keep you around because I’ve fallen much too in love with you even though that seems rediculous to say, I feel that is the only way I can express this. I’m so burdened by all my thoughts about you but I suppose if I just gave it all up I might just lose my chance to be with you. The smallest, dumbest chance I have I’ll take right now because I think you’re absolutely perfect. Don’t I sound like a huge idiot thinking of you as perfect and saying I’m in love with you. I hardly know you, I’ve barely been talking to you lately and I don’t know what is going on through your head. Do you miss me at all, I doubt it. Any small chance you give me I will take and I don’t want to be this desperate for your attention anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up for but if it means not ruining your day then I will continue at it until the semester is over. I care too much about you for you to have to deal with me. I want you to be happy even if it means that I’m not. I told you once, a stupid stupid thing and that thing was that you were the best thing that has ever happened to me. I didn’t lie. I’ve never fallen in love with someone so quickly and been so happy for the short time that I was. Life was looking positive for once. I was prepared to set my life to something you and I can both share. I don’t know what happened but even if it ends the experience was worth every second. It gives me hope that maybe I could come across someone better. I hope I can. Right now I don’t want better I just want you. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell you everything in hopes that it fixes things or should I just let you go so I can save myself some heartache and to save you from dealing with me. Can I even be friends with you. I want to be more than friends because it would eat away at me knowing I will only be your friend. I just want some reassurance or some closure because this is slowly killing me. I don’t want this anymore.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

10/19/17

“It was so intimate, like we were already lovers.”

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

10/17/17

I don’t want to hate you. I know that you’re going through a lot and I’m only making it worse. I want to be there for you but I know that if I’m not who you think I am then it might just mean the tipping point for you. I wish I could help in someway that benefits us both but my only path is away. I thought you were going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me but unfortunately it didn’t turn out that way. It was the happiest I’ve been in years spending these past few weeks with you. You are so kind and thoughtful and genuinely made me feel as if someone truly cared enough about me to go out of their way and express it. You made me feel loved as a friend and that’s all I could have ever wished for. I was truly happy. But now things have taken a turn for the worse. Not only do I feel like I’ve lost a friend I feel as if I’ve lost myself. I was so infatuated with you that I forgot who I was, I gave it all up because I truly believed that you might have been the one. I feel betrayed and hateful. I gave you it all and you just threw it on the ground like it meant less than nothing to you. As if we never shared any good times. Maybe I’m ignorant and selfish and have lots to learn but learning this way never feels good. I wish I could say I’ll do better next time but I don’t think there will ever be a next time.

[theimpulsivekidthattalks-blog]

10/14/17

Today marks the day that I have to decide what I need to do about you A. These past few days have honestly been hell for me. I feel as if I messed up somehow or you just had a crush on me and lost all feelings for me once you got what you wanted. I’m selfish definitely and I’m sorry if you read this and think the same. You are someone who I have felt as a person who could brighten up my life. I was happy before, very much so and then I met you and I couldn’t imagine being happier until it happened. I was absolutely amazed at how you made me feel, not just because I had a crush on you, but feeling so comfortable. You have that quality about yourself and I can’t imagine every guy that meets you has probably fell in love with you in the slightest. But this isn’t about who you are, this is about how I feel. Was I not affectionate enough or was I too affectionate, did I scare you with my insanely clingy habits. I knew what I was getting myself into to begin with and yet I’m laying here typing this out because I can’t properly cope with the thought that I’ve lost something so good and so rare this quickly. I was prepared to sacrifice my happiness for you and that might have been my downfall. My borders are made of paper. I trust too easily and you don’t trust easily enough. If I lose you then this is going to possibly be one of the most emotionally difficult semesters yet because I know at least twice a week that I have to see that face of yours and remind myself that going after you would only hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you but I also want you so bad. So bad I don’t know whether I should be good to you by leaving you alone or do good for myself and want you. I shouldn’t have to have these thoughts if I’m with you but I don’t know if I can do this to you. We haven’t talked in days and I don’t know if you even want to talk.

If all of this is wrong and the fact of the matter is that you’ve been so depressed lately that you can’t even muster up the energy to talk then that’s a shame on me. I shouldn’t be so clingy and I should give you space. I can’t read you like I think I can. I really hope that all of this was a waste of time and that you still care about me. I hope that is the case. If it isn’t then I suppose there is more to come.