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theindependentjournals · 5 years

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Notes on Class

-The very first time I inhaled real marijuana?- “oh……lovely..”

PRELUDE (AN OPENING REMARK:) “FAKE ASS BEACH IN MY DUMB MOFUCKING LIL BRAIN ASS HOMOEROGONEOUS ASS TWATS FAKE ASS WASTE OF MY MOFUCKING TIME. STUPID GAY SHITTY FUCK FALSE ASS HOE NIGGAS AINT NO REAL NIGGAS BUNCH A LIL BITCHES ASS WITH THEIR PROSTITUTE ASS STRIPPING FUCKING HO PIMP MURDERED FAKE ASS MORMON SHIT WIT THEM DAMN BITCH NIGGER, BITE MY THUMB BITCH. SHIT ASS BITCH MOTHERFUKIN FAKE ASS NIGGER FOLK WITH THEIR DAMN STUPID BULLSHIT LIVES THEM OLD FAGGOT ASS NIGGER. CHOKE ON A MOFUCKING BITCH ASS BITCH SHIT HOEBAG DOUCHE MONKEYS MOFUCKING CATHETAR BITCH.”

BLISS, ID THE WALKER CENTER 1-800-227-4190 ACCESS BEHAVIORAL HEALTH 208-338-4699 EVALUATOR DUSTIN LYNCH : SEVERE DRUG HABIT (3.5) NOT EVEN ONCE ORGANIZATION 12 STEP SPRITUAL RECOVERY PLAY IT FORWARD “I’M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR” THE AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION (DSM-IV) DRUGS APP ON PHONE

DEB: “I DRIVE ON THESE ROADS SOMETIMES! YOU WERE PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE AT RISK!”

Alfonzo: 9 WEEKS CLEAN OFF COCAINE. TRIP OUT OF TOWN FOR 4TH OF JULY TO CABIN… JET SKIS AND POWERBOARDS. HE DOES VALIDATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. BELIEVES IN A HIGHER POWER. VISITED HIS DAUGHTER AND WENT TO ICE CREAM.FEELS VICTIMIZED BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND THINK HE WILL STEAL FROM THEM OR HARM THEM. PLAYS APP ON PHONE WHEN TRYING TO REST, “CALM.” HE HAD BEEN SOBER FOR 11 WEEKS AND 1 DAY AND THEN HE DRANK AT A FRIDAY 4TH OF JULY PARTY. HIS UA CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WAS READY TO PREPARE FOR RELAPSE.

Phillip: DRUG OF CHOICE METH AND COCAINE. WAS AWAY FOR A WHILE. STOPPED ACID 3 WEEKS AGO, HAD A REALLY HARD TIME QUITTING MARIJUANA AND ACID. IRRITABLE AND DEHYDRATED.

James: 2 WEEKS CLEAN OFF ALCOHOL AND METH. USES PATIENCE. “IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME.” BORN A BOY IN SPOKANE, WA. IS NOW 50. AT 2 Y.O. MOVED TO A SMALL TOWN COMMERICIAL FISHING WITH DAD. USED CRAB BOATS. “ALWAYS GONE FISHING.” HAD 4 SISTERS, 1 BROTHER. IF MOM WASN’T WORKING THEN SHE WAS DRUNK. DRANK DRANK DRANK. A LOT OF ABUSE, BUT WOULD NOT PHYSICALLY HARM THEM. DAD TOOK ONE SISTER OUT OF HOUSE TO LOOSEN THE LOAD ON MOM. THE THREE WOULD PICK ON EACH OTHER AND BECOME ISOLATED BECAUSE OF ABUSE. BREAKING WINDOWS – RUNNING – SHOOTING STUFF. DAD AND MOM FIGHT OVER ALCOHOL. STARTED WONDERING WHY SHE DRANK. WANTED TO BE LIKE MOM SO WOULD DRINK THE BEER AND REFILL WITH CREAM SODA. WANTED TO BE LIKE DAD SO WOULD STEAL CIGARETTES. SISTERS WERE SMOKING CIGARETTES AND MARIJUANA. THEN HE WAS STONED AND DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS. WOULD GET HIMSELF SICK FROM LIQUOR AND ADD WATER. NOBODY KNEW IT WAS HIM, THEY KNEW THE SISTERS SMOKED MARIJUANA SO THEY BLAMED ALL ON SISTERS. HE STARTED STEALING CRAP SO HE GOT TO GO FISHING. HAD GOOD MONEY FOR BEING YOUNG. STARTED INTO COCAINE AND LOTS OF IT. HAD 30 U.A.S FOR BREAKING CURFEW AND HAD TO GO BACK AGAIN. COURTS JUST WANTED HIS WEALTHY FAMILIES MONEY. IT WAS MOSTLY “TAKE OUR MONEY AND LET US GO.” HE GOT MARRIED AND BARELY KNEW HER CAUSE HE WAS DRUNK. SHE GOT PREGNANT AND THE KID DIED OF SIDS. HE LEFT HER AND WENT ON A BENDER. 4 DUIS -> ASSAULT -> PRISON. “I HAVE A PROBLEM.” PRISON SUCKS. HE ATTENDED NO GROUPS, JUST HAD TIME. HIS DAD MOVED TO IDAHO. HE HAD NOTHING TO DO. HE STOPPED FISHING AND BEGAN USING METH. DOESN’T REMEMBER HOW HE GOT BACK INTO METH, MUST HAVE BEEN SOME FRIEND. COUPLE YEARS INTO IDAHO AND HAD TROUBLE WITH PAROLE. WENT INTO A HALFWAY HOUSE AND BAM THERE WAS METH. WAS DRINKING SO P.O. TOOK OUT OF HALFWAY HOUSE. DATED A WOMAN THERE. HAD HOUSE, CARS, GOOD LIFE, THEN TO DOING METH AGAIN. AT 18, HIS LIFE WAS LIKE MONEY, BOAT, COCAINE. IN NEWPORT, OR.

Pricsilla: 6 MONTHS CLEAN OFF METH/COCAINE/VODKA. “BEING DONE WITH WHAT I USED TO DO.” MOVED OUT OF A SHELTER AND DID A MRI BRAIN SCAN TO LOOK FOR PROBLEMS. TEMPS OF 100 MAKE HER IRRITABLE AND MOODY. SHE THINKS IT IS TOO DRY. SHE NEEDS NASAL DROPS. SHE WAS LEFT FOR DEAD IN CALIFORNIA AT 18. USING SKILLS LIKE RATIONAL THINKING AND ABSITENCE.

Blake: 3 MONTHS CLEAN OFF MARIJUANA. HAS NARCOLEPSY. USES FAMILY TO KEEP HIM FROM BLAZING. GRADUATED HEALTHY THINKING GROUP.

Paul: 9 MONTHS CLEAN OFF OPIATES & BENZOS. TRYING TO GET HIS “DUCKS IN A ROW.” HAS A HOME IN WILDER. SPENT 2 YEARS IN ICELAND. STOPPED TAKING PAIN KILLERS HE BECAME IMMUNE TO EFFECTS. -PAIN MEDS APPARENTLY ONLY ARE EFFECTIVE FOR 3 DAYS- SPENT 30 YEARS ON PAIN MEDICATIONS. SCOLIOSIS ON DISCS. SISTER TOOK HIS PILLS AWAY. SO HE WENT TO HOSPITAL. 30, 80MG A DAY. METHADONE WORKED BETTER AND WAS EASIER TO GET OFF OF. FEELING LETHARGIC. STOPPED NARCOTICS, STARTED DIAZEPAN. PERCOCETS WORKED GOOD BUT BUILT A RESISTANCE. HE WILL TAKE AGAIN BUT AT A LOWER DOSE. NO DETOX BUT TOOK 30 DAYS TO FEEL BETTER. HAVE TO GO TO DOCTOR BUT ALL THEY DO IS TAKE YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE. DOCTOR DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE PAIN IS LOCATED. NARCOTICS <- NUEROSENDERS -> CLEAN. TAKING LYRICA FOR NERVE PAIN AND VISTARIL FOR ANXIETY. CHRONIC PAIN CLASSES AND HE IS A SURGICAL CANDIDATE FOR NERVE BACK.. CLEARING NERVES AND FUSING BACK. HERE AT RECOVERY 4 LIFE FOR 9.5 MONTHS, LEGAL CONSEQUENCES AND COURT REQUIRED. DAY BY DAY HE HAS NOT THOUGHT ABOUT DRINKING. HAS ANXIETY AND AVOIDS TRIGGERS, NO TRAUMA.

Matt: 2 MONTHS CLEAN. GOING FISHING AT CJ STRIKES.

Inez: 22 MONTHS SOBER OFF ALCOHOL. SHE NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD QUIT DRINKING. HER FRIEND QUIT AS WELL WHOM SHE ALSO NEVER THOUGHT WOULD GET CLEAN. “I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS.” PRACTICES A GOOD ATTITUDE WITH GRATITUDE. WAS A LIASON IN THE HOUSE SHE IS THE MANAGER OF. NEEDS TO STOP GETTING MAD. A GIRL WHO LIVES THERE, HER BOYFRIEND CALLED OVER AND OVER. GIRL WAS PISSED OFF NOBODY ANSWERED, 36 RINGS AND 9 CALLS, ENDED UP NOT BEING THE BOYFRIEND BUT A VERY IMPORTANT CALL. “ALCOHOL IS MY DOWNFALL” DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE MANAGEMENT POSITION FOR THE WOMAN’S HOME. SHE HAD SOME SEIZURES AND HAD TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL. “I HAVE TO BE CLEAN OR I WILL GO TO JAIL.” SOBER SINCE 8/16/16, NEVER THOUGHT SHE WOULD BE SOBER FOR 2 YEARS. WISHES SHE HAD A CORVETTE. DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE CAN’T HAVE A GOOD LIFE LIKE ALL HER FRIENDS. LOSING HER HOME. HAS TO ACCEPT FACT THAT LIFE CHANGES AND GOD SUCKS…. LMAO, JOKES ON YOU. GOES TO THE NAMPA PUBLIC LIBRARY.

Donna: EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER. SAD -> HAPPY -> HURT -> LONELY -> ISOLATED. WAS A DRUNKEN MESS AND HATED EVERYTHING. TRYING NOT TO OVER-CATASTROPHIZE FEELINGS TO SITUATIONS. LEARNED DISTRESS TOLERANCE. TRYING TO BECOME MORE MINDFUL AND AWARE. LEARNING TO SPEAK OUT AND ASK FOR HELP. WISHES OTHERS TO BE OPEN-MINDED IN DIALETICAL BEHAVIORAL THERAPY GROUP. THINKS OTHERS WILL NOT LIKE THE GROUP AT FIRST OR EVEN UNDERSTAND IT. “ADDICTION DOES NOT DISCRIMATE AGAINST AGE/GENDER.” WORKING ON KEEPINIG HER EMOTIONS IN CHECK SO SHE DOES NOT GET A ONE-WAY TICKET ON THE CRAZY TRAIN.

ALLEYGAINY SIERRA NEVADAS MOTANA. CANCER IN BREAST -> BRAIN. 16TH BIRTHDAY MET DAVE GAINEY WHO RAPED HER AND HER MOM DIED THE SAME TIME. SISTERS MOVED. DAVE GAINEY WAS KATHY’S HUSBAND AND HER DAD’S BEST FRIEND. SHE RAN TO THE NEIGHBORS. GRAD CARMEL HIGH FEB 1986 IN FALLON, NV. SISTER STARTED DOING COCAINE AND MOVED TO SACRAMENTO. DIED IN 2012. HAD FIRST CHILD. SPLIT FROM FATHER AND HE KIDNAPPED THE BABY.SHE GOT HIM BACK, HE WAS UNDERWEIGHT AND HAD LEAD POISONING IN A PART OF HIS KIDNEY, HAD TO GET REMOVED. (ANDREW 1990) BRITTANY AND BROOKE, TWINS DIED OF HEART AND LUNG FAILURE APRIL 28, 1998 AT 3 MONTHS. HUSBAND WAS HEAVY MACHINE OPERATOR IN THE MINES. KYLE 1992. GRADUATED ICC COLLEGE WITH NURSING LICENSE. WAS PREGNANT AGAIN RIGHT AFTER FUNERAL. HAD BROCK AND HER CERVIX TURNED BLACK UTERINE CANCER. IV TO LOSING HAIR. MET A CLUB GUARD BRYAN, BEGAN RUNNING AND GUNNING. HE SMACKED HER SILLY (PHYSICAL ABUSE.) MC AT CLUB HOOKED IT UP (LARRY.) HE HAD A MOTORCYCLE. HE WAS IN A HIT AND RUN. WAS LIFEFLIGHTED TO NA. HAD ALCOHOL IN WATER BOTTLE WHEN SHE VISITED HIM IN HOSPITAL. WHERE SHE WAS TAKEN TO 28 DAY PROGRAM AT NEW START. DRANK DRANK DRANK. DEC. 7TH TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. DRIVING AND BLEW DOUBLE .29 IN JEROME COUNTY. HAD NO BAIL. IS ORDERED TO REMAIN SOBER UNTIL 2019. “LOONY FREAKZOID” WHEN I DRINK.

Lawnie: HAS A FULFILLING LIFE WITH HIS FAMILY. WORKING ON NOT AVOIDING OR ESCAPING SITUATIONS. SOBERED UP BUT DID NOT WANT TO FACE SOBRIETY. HALF SMILE AND OPEN HANDS. WORKING ON RESPECTING THE EARTH AROUND HIM. VALIDATION AND UNDERSTANDING. “I KNOW I AM WORTH SOMETHING.” TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF BY WALKING ½ HOUR A DAY. RECOMMENDS FOR OTHERS IN GROUP TO BE ON TIME AND PARTICIPATE.

Kata: MOLLY AND HEROIN… LOST CLOSE FAMILY MAY 2010. CRYING IN CLASS, IRRITABLE.

Pilot Dude: “I’M DIFFERENT NOW” THOUGHTS… EMOTIONS… FEELINGS….. HERE BECAUSE OF DRINKING AT BAR AND THEN DROVE HOME. “IT HELPS TO GIVE BACK” HE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO STARTED A KID ON HEROIN WHEN HE WAS 8… LIKE, CAN’T GO BACK NOW. BORN IN IDAHO FALLS. LIKED TO BREAK RULES TO GET KICKS. MOM SPLIT DAD. MOM REMARRIED NEXT MONTH. D.A.R.E IN 4TH GRADE DRUG ABUSE RESEARCH STAFF. 8TH GRADE- SMOKED WEED STEMS. STOLE WEED FROM BROTHER. DRANK IN 8TH GRADE. PARTY ON WEEKENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL. COLLEGE HAD 3 DAY WEEKENDS FRI,SAT,SUN TO PARTY. GRADUATED COLLEGE WITH CIVIL ENGINEER DEGREE AND DIDN’TLIKE IT. WAS A STUPID COLLEGE KID AND POINTED TO A RANDOM MAJOR. NOW IN POCATELLO. ADDICTED TO ADDREALL. AMBIAN AND ADDERALL. USED DOCTORS TO GET THIS DRUG. HIS EX WAS AN ALCOHOLIC. EVERY NIGHT HE HAD PILLS. PILOT…. MONDAY-THURSDAY CLEANED HIS SYSTEM. FINISHED AND BECAME FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR. MET GIRLFRIEND WHERE HE DID PILLS AND ALCOHOL WITH HER EVERYDAY. GOT PANCREATITIS. BODY SHUT DOWN AND HE HAD NO WATER FOR 2 DAYS. BOWLING BALL HEAD ON FLOOR GASPING FOR AIR. NAPROXEN. OXYS – TOOK BECAUSE FELT GOOD. AFTER HAVING PANCREATITIS HE FELT SO WRONG LIKE HE HAD DECIEVED HIMSELF. NOW HE WAS ON OPIATES AND GHBS INSTEAD OF ALCOHOL. GOT FREE OXYS FROM THE DOCTOR. BENZOS AS WELL. COULD NO LONGER PAY RENT. OXY WITHDRAWALS FROM STREET OXYS. HE HAD ON HIM 50 G OF OXYS – 6 MONTHS WORTH ABOUT 800$$$ WORTH BUT COULD SELL ON STREET FOR 50,000-100,000$. 50X STRONGER THAN HEROIN. STARTED GETTING SEIZURES. 2 YEARS HE WAS IN PERSONAL TRAINING. SOLD TO PAY SOME RENT. POLICE KNOCKED WHILE HE WAS HITTING FENTANYL AND HE HAD A CLOSE CALL.. GOT NORCOS FROM DOCTORS FOR “BACK PAIN.” HE HAD A MONTH LONG MENTAL TREATMENT IN MISSISSIPPI. AND COPS CALLED ON HIM FOR BEING DRUNK IN PUBLIC, SENT TO PSYCH WARD FOR 5 DAYS. HE THOUGHT HE MAY JUST MOVE TO MEXICO. HIS MOM SAVED HIM AND HE STAYS ALIVE FOR HIS MOTHER.

Aleisha: DRUG OF CHOICE. HEROIN. WORKS LONG HOURS AND IS VERY TIRED.

Dakota: USES SKILLS FROM CLASS, BREATHING EXERCISES.

Nicole: “MENTAL HEALTH COURT IS RUNNING MY LIFE. I PEE IN A CUP EVERY MORNING”

SKILLS: INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS “COMMUNICATING WITH OTHERS” THE LEFT SIDE WINS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO STEAL IN ORDER TO GET METHAMPETAMINES.

MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS BETTER, NOT WORSE. SOMETIMES, WE DON’T DO SO GOOD. LEARN HOW TO EFFECTIVELY MAKE REQUESTS AND EFFECTIVELY KNOW WHEN TO SAY NO. MAINTAIN BALANCE AND RESOLVE CONFLICTS.

SOME MAY TAKE BEING NICE FOR WEAKNESS AND OVERPOWER YOU. SOME ARE MORE EMOTIONAL WHILST OTHERS DON’T GET UPSET.

MYTHS – OBJECTIVE EFFECTIVENESS IF I ASK FOR SOMETHING OR SAY NO, I CAN’T STAND IT IF SOMEONE GETS UPSET WITH ME. I MUST BE REALLY INADEQUATE IF I CAN’T FIX THIS MYSELF. IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I WANT OR NEED IT DOESN’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY (APATHY) IF I TRY TO ASK FOR HELP I WILL BE A BURDEN. PEOPLE WITHOUT MONEY WHO ASK FOR FAVORS ARE LEECHES.

“I CAN PROBABLY GO WITHOUT.”

MY NEEDS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS ANYONE ELSES. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. SAYING NO IS PUTTING UP A HEALTHY BOUNDARY.

THE PROBLEM IS JUST IN MY HEAD I SHOULDN’T BOTHER OTHERS. CHALLENGE: OTHER PEOPLE ARE CARING – YOU CAN ASK FOR ASSISTANCE.

IF I DON’T HAVE WHAT I NEED IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I DON’T CARE REALLY. CHALLENGE: I CARE SO MUCH THAT I GET WHAT ASSISTANCE I NEED.

OTHERS SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PUT MORE WORK IN ME. I DON’T NEED SUPPORT AND YOU SHOULDN’T EXPECT IT. “KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS.” “GIVE RESPECT, GET RESPECT.” TREAT OTHERS HOW I WANT TO BE TREATED. IT’S OK TO BE SKEPTICAL. THE GOVERNMENT CONTROLS EVERYTHING. OTHERS AROUND YOU MAY FEEL BAD FOR YOU OR THEY MAY BE SELF-CENTERED OR AGAINST YOU. MY DECISIONS EFFECT EVERYONE AROUND ME. TRY NOT TO HURT OTHERS.

THE WHEEL – RELATIONSHIP WITH DRUGS USE: Not a habit MISUSE: Taking at a higher dose for high rather than i.e. pain ABUSE: When it is harmful for your health and others ADDICTION: Takes over life, need it all the time DEPENDENCE: Necessary to need it in order to feel normal

INTRODUCTION: Try EXPERIMENTAL: Use more, take note on effects, see how it feels/if you like BENEFICIAL: If you like it is good for a short time. I.E. You are happy.. for a short-term. ABUSIVE: Continued use leads to damage in long-term POINT OF NO RETURN!!! DEPENDENT TOXIC FATAL EMOTIONAL REGULATION PT.1:

UNDERSTAND AND NAME YOUR OWN EMOTIONS!! RELAPSE OK TO FEEL EMOTIONS OF FEELING LIKE A BIRDIE

WHY SHOULD WE DESCRIBE EMOTIONS? “SO I DON’T BLOW UP, UP THE SPINE”

IDENTIFY AND DESCRIBE YOUR EMOTION. REGULAR EMPTINESS KNOW WHAT EMOTIONS DO FOR YOU. HURT YOU

FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE SPEAK MORE LOGICALLY BE MORE PRODUCTIVE GRIEF/SHAME/SPIRAL DOWN TOILET

DECREASE THE FREQUENCY OF UNWANTED EMOTIONS: BEAUTIFUL BLACK EYES. OH POOR ME. GLOOM AND DOOM. GOD DAMNIT. DECREASE EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY DECREASE VULNERABILITY TO EMOTIONAL MIND. BE ABOVE IT. UNAFFECTIVE. GOD DAMNIT.

RED 4 LOKOS, THE DRUNKEN STEREOTYPE. HAND SANITIZER SMELLS LIKE VODKA. THINKING OF FUTURE MANAGE EMOTIONS WITH ALCOHOL.

DECREASE EMOTIONAL SUFFERING MUSICAL CHAIRS “I THINK THE OCEAN SMELLS GOOD” KEEP WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS

EMOTIONS MOTIVATE US TO ACTION FIGHT OR FLIGHT HARDWIRED IN BIOLOGY -> GENETIC

DIDN’T KNOW THE SUN WAS IN THEIR WAY “FINE.” WAITING IN LINE - “YOU LOOK MAD, DUDE” WAITING..HUNGRY..ANTICIPATION LADY MOVES BECAUSE THINKS HE WILL STEAL.. “I DON’T WANT YOUR STUFF” “ON A MISSION” REJECTION

AN EMOTION.. I AM TIRED SO I CANNOT MOVE. EMOTIONS ARE RED FLAGS “INTUITION IS WHEN GOD TALKS TO YOU.”

PT.2

-ANGER- AGITATION ANNOYANCE BITTERNESS FRUSTRATION INDIGNATION IRRITATION WRATH

EVENTS THAT TRIGGER ANGER +TREATED UNFAIRLY +GOALS BEING BLOCKED +THINGS SHOULD BE DIFFERENT THAN THEY ARE +NOT HAVING THINGS TURN OUT AS EXPECTED AFTEREFFECTS +DEPERSONALIZATION, DISSOCIATIVE EXPERIENCES, NUMBNESS

-DISGUST- ANTIPATHY? HATE

PROMPTING EVENTS +BEING FORCED TO SWALLOW SOMETHING YOU REALLY DON’T WANT +BEING FORCED TO ENGAGE IN OR WATCH UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTANT

INTERPRETATION +SWALLOWING SOMETHING TOXIC +YOUR MIND IS BEING CONTAMINATED

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +VOMMITING +FEELING DIRTY

EXPRESSIONS +VOMITING

-ENVY- DOWNHEARTED

INTERPRETATION +HAVE SUCH A BAD LOT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE, HAVE BAD LUCK OR BE HURT +FEELING OF PLEASURE WHEN OTHERS EXPERIENCE FAILURE OR LOSE WHAT THEY HAVE +I LOVE WHEN OTHERS GET HURT

ACTIONS +TRYING TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION

AFTERAFFECTS +ATTENDING TO WHAT OTHERS HAVE

-FEAR- APPREHENSION DREAD HORROR HYSTERIA? SHOCK

PROMPTING EVENTS +HAVING YOUR WELL-BEING THREATENED

INTERPRETATION +YOU MIGHT BE HARMED

-HAPPINESS- ECSTASY

PROMPTING EVENTS +NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

BIOLOGICAL CHANGES +FEELING AT PEACE +CAN DENY HAPPINESS

EXPRESSIONS +SILLINESS

AFTERAFFECTS +FEELING JOYFUL IN FUTURE

-SHAME- +SAYING YOU ARE SORRY OVER AND OVER +DISTRACTING +WHY EMOTE WHEN YOU CAN DEMOTE?

-GUILT- +DON’T HAVE TO HOLD ANGER +3-DAY ANGER STRIKE +WALLOW IN IT

EXPRESSIONS +ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS “FORGIVE ME, FATHER.”

AFTEREFFECTS +DO NO HARM

“USING ALCOHOL OR DRUGS WAS A THINKING ERROR IN MY BEHAVIOR.” STOP TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I DO WISE MIND IS EFFECTFUL FOR THINKING/ACTING NO MATTER WHAT THOSE ONES THINK TRY TO REACT IN A POSITIVE WAY BE PATIENT

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? ARROGANT INNOCENT LOADED PAINED -DIRTY -SICK

FEELINGS: CHOKED UP, ILL AT EASE INJURED, PAINED, SUFFERING, ACHING, TORTURED INFLAMED WEAK, WEARY

DEFINITION REMORSEFUL: DEEP AND PAINFUL REGRET FOR A WRONGDOING. PEACEFUL, POWERFUL, JOYFUL – SUBSETS OF FEELING WHEEL I CROSSED OUT AND SAYS I AM NEVER TO FEEL AGAIN. THINGS I CANT FEEL. “YOUR EMOTIONS WERE NOT YOUR CHOICE – A BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION DICTATING THEM”

PT.3 BUILD MASTERY AND COPE AHEAD

DOESN’T MATTER AS LONG AS YOU WORSHIP THE Q’ARAN DOUAJ ARABIC FOR WEALTH

STAYING SOBER TODAY IS BEING PRODUCTIVE SMALL FISH IN A BIG POND.. A BIG WHIRL GRIN & BEAR IT, WAIT IT OUT HOW A SUICIDE HAS TO MENTALLY PREPARE FOR YEARS BEFORE COMPLETING.

TAKE CARE OF MIND BY TAKING CARE OF BODY P L 1.TREAT PHYSICAL ILLNESS E 2. BALANCE EATING (FOODS CAN MAKE YOU OVERLY EMOTIONAL. EMPTY FLUFF. FASTING) A 3. AVOID MOOD ALTERING SUBSTANCES (XTC,MOLLY,HEROIN,GHB,COCAINE,LSD,MUSHROOMS) S 4. BALANCE SLEEP (HOUR A NIGHT – BUDDHIST MONKS) E 5. GET EXERCISE

OBSERVE YOUR EMOTIONS “WALLOW IN THE DEB-WAVE” WHY CAN’T I FIGHT THIS? PAIN 20-30 MINUTE EPISODES AUG 16, 2008… GIRLS MOM WENT MISING ANGER – CONSUMING

LOVE YOUR EMOTIONS “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”

WHAT EMOTION DOES THE LORD FEEL? SUPREME.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS -EAT YOUR EMOTIONS

MANAGING EXTREME EMOTIONS BOUGHT A HOUSE AND ALL HE WANTED WAS A BEAUTIFUL LAWN HE HAD A DANDELION PROBLEM SO HE BOUGHT A GARDENING BOOK AND WROTE THE AGRICULTURAL UNIT

HER HUSBAND LEFT HER. MAYBE HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.

COOK WITH GARLIC AND ONIONS.

FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IN RECOVERY 1. DO YOU NOTICE THAT YOU EXPERIENCE SOME FEELINGS MORE THAN OTHERS - ANGER, RECKLESS ABANDONMENT OTHERS: MOODY, QUESTIONING, ANXIOUS OTHERS: ANGER, IMPATIENT, CANT RELATE, TENSE, WRATHFUL, FURIOUS, EMPTY

2. WHAT ARE THE FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS YOU TRY TO AVOID? -SHAME, PAIN (CHAMPAGNE) OTHERS: BEING ISOLATED, BEING INSECURE, UNWANTED

3. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS? -TALK TO MYSELF, TALK TO OTHERS ON CHATROOMS, SOMETIMES I CRY, I WRITE MUSIC/SHORT STORIES OTHERS: USED TO KEEP TO SELF, NOW TALKS MORE OTHERS: BOTTLE UP

4. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS -MY POSITIVE FEELINGS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR OTHERS: YES, USUALLYEXPRESSES NEGATIVE FEELINGS – HARSH TO DAUGHTER OTHERS: YES, MORE FREQUENT AND OVERPOWER POSITIVE

5. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF ONLY EXPRESING POSITIVE FEELINGS? -MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS RECEIVE TIME OTHERS: IT’S WORK TO EXPRESS NEW SORTS OF THINKING OTHERS: NO

6. WHICH FEELING OR EMOTIONS WILL MAKE YOU MOST LIKELY TO RELAPSE IN FUTURE -HAPPINESS THAT IS ONLY POSSIBLE DUE TO DRUG INDUCEMENT OTHERS: INSECURITY, FEELING UNWANTED OTHERS: ANGER, ISOLATE, EMPTY, STUBBORN

7. POSITIVE WAY TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS - COUNSELORS, ETC = OTHERS: SELF-TALK, DON’T KEEP FEELINGS BOTTLED, SOMETIMES I CATASTROPHIZE OTHERS: DON’T JUDGE OR ASSUME. LISTEN AND CAN’T JUMP.

8. WHO CAN YOU TALK TO IF YOU ARE OVERWHELMED? - FRIENDS ON CHAT ROOM, MYSELF OTHERS: COUNSELOR, RELAPSE COUCH, SELF-TALK OTHERS: SISTERS, MOM, BOYFRIEND, DAUGHTERS

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT

DESCRIBE COP ARREST EXPRESS FEAR FOR LIFE ASSERT “USE YOURS” REINFORCE ..I CAN’T PAY THIS.. (STAY) MINDFUL I DESERVED THIS APPEAR CONFIDENT I CAN GET THROUGH THIS NEGOTIATE WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG – YOU WILL PAY

CAN’T CONTROL HOW WE’VE BEEN DRAGGED THROUGH SHIT ORANGES TO APPLES – CANT COMPARE SITUATIONALLY SOMETIMES YOU DON’T OWE AN EXPLANATION BE ASSERTIVE. “HEY I OWE YOU 100$, BUT I ONLY GOT 20$.” “WELL IT’S A TOSS (LOSE-LOSE) BECAUSE I NEED THE 100$ NOW. INCREMENTAL PAYMENTS WON’T CUT IT.”

APPLYING DEAR MAN SKILLS TO CURRENT INTERACTION A GOOD RX, A CONVICT,” WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN TOMORROW IF I USE NOW?” HAVE TO USE MORE TO GET THE SAME EFFECT. ODEN WORLD. TREE. 9 DAYS. 9 NOBLE VERSES. HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED CAN ONLY BE STOPPED BY INTERVENTION EMBARASSED -> MAD -> STUPID ADDICTION IN KRONIC IT CANNOT BE CHANGED NOT USE BECAUSE PARENTS HAVE NONE. NONE AT P.O.’S OFFICE. CRAVINGS AROUND MOTHER – SOBER 4 HIS MOTHER “WHEN A CRAVING HITS, EVERYTHING ELSE IS OUT DOOR.” ALL SYSTEMS GO LOSS OF PURPOSE ASKS FOR A SIGN FROM GOD WANTS TO BE A BETTER PERSON USING MORE THAN NECESSARY TOOK A SPOON TO SHOW AND TELL (DAUGHTERS) ON ACCIDENT 12 STEPS – WHITE BISON, CELEBRATE RECOVERY… ALLUMBAUGH (HELPFUL BEHAVIORS, CODEPENDENCE)… SMART RECOVERY *PURE WELLNESS* RED HOUSE. BIOLOGICAL LIFE DETERRATION. CAN’T GET OFF THE ROLLER COASTER – IS CONTROLLING ME!! ADDICTION PRIMARY DISEASE – LOST POWER OF CONTROL DO NOT SCHEDULE IF YOU ARE USING BECAUSE SCHEDULING IS STRUCTURE LEARN ORGANIZATION BRING SCHEDULE BOOK TO SOCIAL WORKER A.A. -> N.A. -> C.A (COCAINE ANONYMOUS) -> 7’O CLOCK -RED HOUSE- *WAR STORIES*

DISTRESS TOLERANCE

ACTIVITIES! CONTRIBUTING! COMPARISONS! PUSHING AWAY! THOUGHTS! SENSATIONS! CONSIDER LAST YEAR MAYBE YOU WERE IN JAIL. NOW AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT IN JAIL. PUERTO RICO HURRICANE COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS LESS FORTUNATE “BOO-HOO” EDUCATE YOURELF, LISTEN TO “THE BLUES” LISTEN TO EMOTIONAL MUSIC THAT CREATES DIFFERENT EMOTIONS LEAVE THE SITUATION MENTALLY BUILD AN IMAGINARY WALL WITH IMAGINARY SOLDIERS PUT THE PAIN IN A BOX ON A SHELF YELL: NO! A PILL BOTTLE WITHOUT A LABEL? LET IT BE. COUNT CARDS “AS AN IMPATIENT, I WOULD COUNT THE TILES ON THE CEILING” SELF-SOOTHING: VISION, HEARING, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH IMPROVING THE MOMENT: IMAGERY, MEANING, PRAYER, RELAXING, ONE THING AT A TIME, VACATION, ENCOURAGEMENT

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.2

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE “ACCEPTING THE WAY YOU LIVE IN THE MOMENT.” ACCEPTING THE SITUATION WITHOUT BEING BITTER DO NOT THROW A TANTRUM WITHOUT RESPONDING WITH WILLFULNESS INEFFECTIVITY “WHY CAN’T I BE LIKE OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT” CONSTANT PAIN LEARNING EXPERIENCES – LEARNING TO LIVE THROUGH PAINFUL TIMES SOME PEOPLE HATE MENTAL HEALTH DIAGNOSIS AND DIDN’T ASK NOR DESERVE IT COPE, REDUCE, FIND BALANCE ACCEPT REALITY!! THE RULES OF THE UNIVERSE! ………..IF YOU DO NOT ACCEPT REALITY…… YOU WILL GO BACK INTO HELL………. *INSERT PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE’S FACE HERE WITH A MENACING TONE MEANT TO INDUCE TORTURE TO INNNOCENT SOULS* “WE’RE ALL SHEEP AND THE LORD IS OUR SHEPHARD” “ADDICTION IS DRIVING YOUR BEHAVIOR!” CAN BE MUCH WIDER THAN NARROWED EXAMPLES GENE FOR ADDICTION --DENY COMPLIANCE- CONTINUE USE TO GET MY LIFE BACK.-- OR DISCONTINUE USE FOREVER, BE THE SHEEP INSTEAD OF THE HERDER! --BELIEVE THIS IS REAL AND THAT THEY HAVE CONTROL OVER MAN-KIND SUPPOSEDLY DOCUMENTARIES ON POLICE CONTROL, SHEEPLE, PROHIBITION, WAR STORIES, POLICE INTERFERENCE, COPS, RENO 911. GHANDI/CONFUSCIOUS/BUDDHA – GOOD POLICE/MILITARY – BLECK

DISTRESS TOLERANCE PT.3 TURNING BAD STUFF INTO GOOD ENERGY - SUBLIMATION ALTERNATE REBELLION WHEN ADDICTIVE BEHAVIORS ARE A WAY TO REBEL AGAINST AUTHORITY, TRY ALTERNATE REBELLION WHICH IS A WAY TO DO SOMETHING INSANE BUT WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS - SHAVE YOUR HEAD …..GIRLS ALL CAME IN FORMAL ATTIRE, FOO FOO GIRLS URGE TO DROP ACID… REGULARE FOLK – GO DO IT! CONTROLLED FOLK – HYSTERIA, OMG, I CAN’T EVEN. HUH.

ADAPTIVE DENIAL REFRAME YOUR CRAVINGS. COOKIES – WHEN I WANT A COOKIE, THINK THAT YOU WANT AN APPLE INSTEAD WHEN I FEEL URGE TO SMOKE A TOBACCO, LIFT WEIGHTS INSTEAD ANOTHER INTERESTING EXAMPLE OF SUICIDIAL PEOPLE: WHEN I FEEL LIKE DYING, SLIT WRISTS INSTEAD GET URGES TO DRIVE BUT SAY, YOU CANNOT BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ADDICT

*POP SELF WITH RUBBER BAND* *SQUISH BALL* *GONNA DEFEND MYSELF…. BASEBALL BAT…. BOTTLE TO CRACK… BREAK THINGS* SELF-CONTROL… SLEEP-DEPRIVATION…… CRY “GO FOR A WALK AT 6 AM AND THAT IS COOL” – A PUN.. “I LIKE SUN ON MY BONES”

BURNING BRIDGES SLAM THE GARAGE DOOR OF ABSTINENCE SHUT LIST EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ADDICTION POSSIBLE AND GET RID OF IT… -GET RID OF MY WHOLE SELF- “I AM A BONG” LIST AND DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN THAT WILL MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO NOT USE -STAYING ALIVE- WAS HOLDING ONTO FRIEND’S MONEY…. “I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER”.. CODEPENDENCY TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE QUIT!! BUILDING NEW BRIDGES SMELLS TO THINK ABOUT – MY COLOGNE I LIKE NOTHING “RECOVERY HAS SHOWN ME THAT I CAN BREAK THE PATTERN” – URGE TO DRINK BREATHING PHILANTHROPY! EMOTIONAL REGULATION DISTRESS BUTTON WHAT WILL I TAKE AWAY FROM IT “I COULDN’T CHANGE INTO THE SPIRAL” “DO YOUR BEST TO STAY OPEN-MINDED” “I CAN STAY SOBER” FIND THE MAGIC MOMENT – “BACK TO THE TRACKS I GO”

EMOTIONS – POWER – ANGER – “WHY ME?” ->->-> DISTRESS “STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE UNCONTROLLABLE OR WE COULD SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO CHANGE THE CONTROLLABLE” TRYING TO CHANGE A BEHAVIOR LAWS APPLICABLE TO THE DEAD DON’T PERTAIN TO ME

WILLINGNESS WILLINGNESS IS ACTING WITH AWARENESS THAT YOU ARE PART OF THE UNIVERSE DOING JUST WHAT IS NEED – GETTING HERE AND SHOWING UP TO GROUP WILLINGNESS VS WILLFULNESS WILLFULLNESS IS WRECKLESS DEFIANCE FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU HAVE A DRUG DEALER THAT YOU SHOULD DELETE, BUT YOU DON’T WILFULLNESS IS “I WILL NOT TAKE MY MENTAL HEALTH MEDICATION” IT IS NOT CARING ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES AND IT IS NOT RATIONAL WILLINGNESS IS: “I AM WILLING TO OBEY THE LAW!!” WILLFUL: MY KIDS CAN NOT BE INDEPENDENT THOSE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT “I WENT TO A MEETING AND SOME BORING OLD HAG WAS TELLING HER LIFE STORY. I LEFT BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR A LIFE STORY…. I WANTED TO HAVE A GROUP DISCUSSION!!” SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLFULNESS: FEEL IT WON’T MAKE A DIFFERENCE --NOT DOING MY CHORES-- SITUATIONS WHERE I NOTICE MY OWN WILLINGNESS: GO ANYWAY AND TRY TO…. SEE A ‘CHANGE’?? ‘FOR BETTER OR WORSE??’ REFUSE TO TOLERATE WILLFULLNESS

“SOME PEOPLE WITH SET TESTING WILL DRINK AROUND THE TESTS. I WAS AT THE STORE AND REALLY WANTED TO GRAB A CASE TO GET DRUNK WITH MY GIRL”

MINDFULNESS OF CURRENT THOUGHTS: I AM FEELING STRESS, ANXIETY DON’T ACT ON THOUGHTS =) ANXIETY ATTACKS – MEDICATION – SHOWER – COFFEE ADOPT A CURIOUS MIND CRACK DREAMS – DREAMS OF SMOKING CRACK “YES, I AM AN ADDICT, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I NEED TO GO USE TODAY” “LIKE, OH, I MIGHT GO MURDER SOMEONE..” GETTING HIGH TO EAT COOKIES MIND LIKE A TEFLON PAN, SHIT GETS ON THE PAN BUT WILL EASILY GET OFF TREES HAVE STRONG HEAVY ROOT SYSTEMS THERE IS WEED KILLER DON’T WASTE DAY ON SHITTY SHIT

CATASTROPHIC THINKING IS “EMOTION MIND”

-CONTROL- -ROBOTISIZE- -HEAP PEOPLE INTO ORGANIZATION- -DON’T LET THEM OUT OF THE BOX YOU HAVE CREATED THEM- -BLACK/WHITE ROBOTIC, ALL OF THE SAME- -SAME ACTIONS, SAME SPEECH, SAME THOUGHTS- -IN UNIFORM IN LINES FOLLOWING A LEADER- -IDENTICAL- -NO SPONTANEITY OF ACTION OR EMOTION- -MAKE SURE THEIR DOPAMINE, GLYCERIDES AND TRIGLYERIDES ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME, IN ORDER- MONO UNIVERZ: A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE. MISSION CONTROL UNDERSTANDING THE BRAIN’S CENTRAL CONTROL SYSTEM IF YOU CANNOT HAVE HAPPINESS CONTROLLED, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE SAD, BUT IF YOU ALREADY HATE YOURSELF THEN USING DRUGS COULDN’T BE TOO BAD BECAUSE YOU WERE ALREADY A SAD SACK OF EMPTY FLESH. LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE. LIMBIC: EMOTION, MEMORY, MOTIVATION, AND OTHER FUNCTIONS CRITICAL TO SURVIVAL. INCLUDES HIPPOCAMPUS, (MEMORY), AMYGDALA (FEAR/EMOTIONS), VENTRAL STRATIUM (REWARD), HYPOTHALAMUS (APPETITE, THIRST, BODY TEMPERATURE), AND PARTS OF THE CORTEX! CEREBRAL CORTEX: AWARENESS, ATTENTION TO SURROUNDINGS, ABILITY TO THINK, SOLVE PROBLEMS, PLAN AND MAKE DECISIONS! CEREBELLUM: CONTROL, COORDINATION, MUSCLES AND BALANCE, POSTURE! BRAIN STEM: BASIC FUNCTIONS, BREATHING, SLEEPING, HEART RATE! THE LIMBIC SYSTEM , THE PLEASURE CENTER THAT BRINGS YOU JOY FROM DRUGS

ABUSING SEDATIVES AND PAINKILLERS CAN SLOW BREATING PARTS OF BRAIN AFFECTED OVER TIME WITH DRUG USE: AMYGDALA, CEREBELLUM STEROIDS AND METH CAN LEAD TO AGGRESSION MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL CAN AFFECT MOVEMENT AND COORDINATION COMBINING SEDATIVES WITH ALCOHOL CAN SLOW HEART RATE MARIJUANA IMPAIRS THE ABILITY TO THINK CLEARLY! CEREBRAL CORTEX DOESN’T FULLY DEVELOP UNTIL A PERSON IS ABOUT 25. WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR TEEN TO KNOW TO AVOID DRUGS? BECAUSE THEY WISH TO USE THEIR BRAINS FOR THEIR FUTURE LIVES CHICKS WILL DIG THEM. THEY WILL MAKE BABIES AND MONEY. AHH, WITHOUT BRAIN USE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A CHICK AND THAT WILL MEAN NO BABY AND NO MONEYS =( PLUS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT BABIES OR ANY CHICKS, YOU WILL STILL NEED YOUR BRAIN TO MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS AND CONTROL YOUR LEVEL OF HAPPINESS (E.G. PROZAC)

DRUG KILL NUERONS BUT YOU CAN GROW BACK BRAIN CELLS OVER TIME WITH SOBRIETY.

THE MIND IS AN OVERGROWN JUNGLE STFU AND DEAL GANGLI CHALLENGE THE NEGATIVITY TOUGHIE B/C HE DIDN’T WANT TO ACCEPT FORGE NEW PATHS --YOU CANNOT DO DRUGS AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME, YOU MUST STAY IN HIDING-- “WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?” ONE BEER WON’T HURT YOU! BUT PAUSED BEFORE TWO. DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO SHE WENT TO A.A. --WHAT IS A WORD FOR NONCOMPLIANCE TO A POLICE – A SEPARATE CHARGE?? “RESISTING ARREST.”-- WOMAN IN JAIL’S HEROIN CHARGE… DROPPED FROM DISTUBUTING LOADS OF HEROIN TO CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT. ALIEN IMMIGRANTS

TRIGGERS DENIAL, BOREDOM, LONELINESS RELAPSE JUSTIFICATION -> “I’LL JUST TAKE ONE”, A MINIMIZING STATEMENT SWAP SUBSTANCES AIDS IN RELAPSE ��IF YOU BEEN IN TROUBLE 2X THEN YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE IN TROUBLE A THIRD TIME” ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY: I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT RECOVERY I DON’T THINK STAFF CAN HELP I DON’T TRUST THE STAFF “THE WORLD AROUND US IS CHANGING” HAVE AN EXIT PLAN: WOULD ALWAYS DRIVE AFTER DRINKING, SO STARTED CALLING SISTER CALL SOMEONE TO HELP

IT GETS WORSE AND WORSE THE MORE YOU RELAPSE YOU HAVE COME SO FAR AND DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO START ALL OVER FEMALE HOMES: THE RISING SUN, WHITE SUN ACTIVE RECOVERY AIDS IN REDISCOVERING OURSELVES HE WOULD PUT ALL HIS DRUGS DOWN THE TOILET WHEN HE WAS RAIDED DO NOT CHOOSE TO THINK OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL TRIGGERS…. THOUGHT LEADS TO USE. PAUSE AND STOP THOUGHTS RELAXATION…CRAVINGS..CRAMPING….BREATHING

EMOTIONAL MIND AND RATIONAL MIND ARE AT A “CONSTANT TUG-A-WAR” WORKING ON ACCEPTANCE AND CHANGE “IT IS IN THE DRUG DEALER’S BEST INTEREST THAT YOU USE.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? UNDERSTANDING HOW SOMEONE FEELS USING NO BLAME GAMES. VALIDATING SOMEONE CAN MAKE THEM FEEL WORTHY SOME STEADY NERVES WITH ALCOHOL – “LIKE A SURGEON” DBT IS FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO THINK DIFFERENTLY DBT SKILLS LIST MINDFULLNESS: OBSERVE, DESCRIBE, PARTICIPATE, NON-JUDGEMENTAL STANCE, ONE-MINDFULLY, EFFECTIVELY DISTRESS TOLERANCE, CRISIS SURVIVAL: WISE MIND ACCEPTS, SELF-SOOTHE, IMPROVE THE MOMENT, HALF-SMILE, CREATIVE OUTLET ACCEPTING REALITY SKILLS: PROS/CONS, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE, TURN THE MIND, WILLINGNESS PLEASE, BUILD MASTERY, JUST ACT, GIVE MYSELF CREDIT, BUILD POSITIVE EXPERIENCES, OPPOSITE TO EMOTION, FEEL YOUR FEELINGS INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS SKILLS: ATTEND TO RELATIONSHIPS, GIVE, DEAR MAN, FAST --THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHIRST-- STOPPED AND LISTENED AND DIDN’T THINK ON WHAT NEEDED TO SAY NEXT DON’T TAKE THINGS NEGATIVELY AND DON’T REACT ON THINGS

700,000 YEARS OF WILLFUL LAWLESSNESS --BLANK RESUME—WALKING, TALKING, COMMUNICATING ARE SOFT SKILLS… BEING PERSONAL, BEING POLITE, SMILING WISE MIND BRINGS LEFT BRAIN AND RIGHT BRAIN TOGETHER – THE MIDDLE PATH REASONABLE MIND IS COOL AND RATIONAL, TASK FOCUSED EMOTION MIND IS HOT, MOOD-DEPENDENT AND EMOTION-FOCUSED ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION TO BEING HURT PAINFUL EMOTIONS CAN CAUSE YOU TO JUMP THE GUN AND JUMP INTO DRUGS USE FOR BAD FEELINGS LINEHAN AND LACKING AN EMOTIONAL SKIN LIKENING IT TO A BURN VICTIM WHO FEELS PAIN AT THE SLIGHTEST TOUCH OVER TIME OF BEING CRITISIZED ON THEIR EMOTIONS THEY SHOULD BEGAN TOFEEL THEY SHOULD HAVE DIFFERENT EMOTIONS AND THEIR EMOTIONS ARE NOT VALID, THEY HAVE TO CHANGE WHO THEY ARE OR THEY ARE JUST OVER-REACTING THEY WILL REJECT OR PUNISH THEMSELVES

ROADBLOCKS TO RECOVERY IN ORDER TO GET OVER A ROADBLOCK YOU HAVE TO WORK ON IT ATTITUDES -I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF --WHO WOULD WANT TO CHANGE ME??-- -I DON’T LIKE TAKING MEDICATIONS PERSONALITY -I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS -I DON’T FEEL CLOSE TO ANYONE -I DON’T LIKE TO LISTEN TO AUTHORITY FIGURES LIFESTYLE -MY LIFESTYLE CENTERS AROUND GETTING OR USING CHEMICALS -MY LIFE IS A DRAG AND I DON’T HAVE MUCH TO DO THAT IS REWARDING OR FUN OTHER -FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES -FEEL I’M IN A BAD SITUATION AND WILL ONLY PUT ME IN A MORE PESSIMISTIC FRAME OF MIND

WAYS TO OVERCOME ROADBLOCKS #1: I’M ONLY IN TREATMENT BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND I DON’T WANT IT FOR MYSELF IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: HIDE MYSELF FROM OTHERS. DON’T MAKE A NUISANCE, LEAVE HOME AND REMAIN AN ANONYMOUS INVISIBLE BEING.. CHANGE MY NAME AND DISOWN MY GUARDIANS.. “DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, BE NOTHING.” MAYBE THEY CAN FIND OTHER WAYS TO ENTERTAIN THEMSELVES OTHER THAN ME AND MY DEAL AND FORGET ME AS I HAVE FORGOTTEN MYSELF. #2: I DON’T WANT OTHERS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. IN ORDER TO OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK: MY FREEDOMS ARE STRIPPED. I CANNOT LEAVE HOME. MY GOALS/PLANS HAVE BEEN POSTPONED. I AM NOT A FOLLOWER. I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM DOING THESE PROGRAMS. WHICH IS WHY I CONTINUOUSLY ASK WHO/WHAT I AM DOING TREATMENT FOR. WHEN I DO NOT STUDY I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF. WHICH IS WHY I SAY I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. IT APPEARS I FEEL OVERCONTROLLED, LIKE A RAT IN A CAGE WITH NO FREEDOMS. I MAY NOT BE HUMAN ANYMORE MORE LIKE A BREATHING ZOMBIE. THROUGH TREATMENT I HAVE FELT IT GREATLY INTERFERES WITH MY STUDYING AND HOBBIES. I DO NOT HAVE FAITH IN THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR SYSTEMS/WAY OF LIFE. I WANT NO PLACE IN THEIR TOWN.

ADDICTION/RECOVERING YOUR HONESTY. LIES: I LIED TO ATTORNEY/P.O. EXAMPLE: I TOLD THEM I WASN’T DRIVING WHEN THEY ARRESTED ME. I WAS ARRESTED WHEN I WAS PULLED OVER/PARKED AND NOT DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. I TOLD THEM I DIDN’T START DRINKING UNTIL WELL AFTER I WAS PARKED, BECAUSE MY CAR RAN OUT OF GAS. I HAD THE BEER, OPENED IT WAS WAITING ON MY RIDE BUT IT WAS A COLD NIGHT AND NEEDED A DRINK TO WARM ME UP AMIDST THE WAIT. SHE SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER IF I WASN’T DRIVING, IF I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION AND WAS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT, THEY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WEREN’T PREVIOUSLY DRIVING OR ABOUT TO DRIVE. WELL, TRUTHFULLY, I WAS NOT ABOUT TO DRIVE BECAUSE I WAS ALL OUT OF GASOLINE AND MY CAR WOULDN’T EVEN START, LET ALONE DRIVE. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD THE KEY IN THE IGNITION TO KEEP THE LIGHTS ON BECAUSE IT WAS DARK AND TO HAVE MY HAZARD SIGNALS ON BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULDN’T BLINK WITHOUT KEY IN IGNITION. BUT I LIED SAYING I WASN’T DRIVING AFTER DRINKING BECAUSE I HADN’T STARTED UNTIL AFTER I PARKED. TRUTHFULLY, I HAD BEEN DRIVING AFTER DRINKING, BUT I HAD NOT DRANK IN TWO HOURS AND HAD ONLY DRUNK ROUGHLY 2 BEERS. I THOUGHT I COULD FIGHT AGAINST MY CHARGES WITH THE EVIDENCE THAT THE POLICE NEVER ACTUALLY SAW ME DRIVING AND THEY HAD NO WAY TO TELL WHEN I HAD DRANK. I DIDN’T FIGHT IT BECAUSE I WAS YOUNG AND SCARED AND FIGURED NO ONE WOULD BE ON MY SIDE IF THEY SAW ME, BEING A LESBIAN AND ALL. I KNEW MOST OF THE JURY WOULD PROBABLY BE DESCRIMANATORY, JUDGEMENTAL FOLK SO I DID NOT ATTEMPT TO FIGHT MY FIRST DUI CHARGE. I HAD NO IDEA I WOULD BE TAKEN AWAY A SECOND TIME. OBVIOUSLY THE POLICE DIDN’T CARE. I WAS GRABBED AND SHOVED IN THEIR CAR. IT DID NOT LOWER MY FINES OR LESSEN MY CONSEQUENCES TO TELL THE ATTORNEY AND MY P.O. I WASN’T DRINKING BEFORE I WAS PARKED. THEN AGAIN, I DID NOT KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE SO DREADFUL OR I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY WENT TO TRIAL TO FIGHT THE CHARGE, OTHERWISE JUST TOO NAÏVE AND YOUNG TO GO TO TRIAL, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO JAIL SO I HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. NOW I JUST PAY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

*SOME WILL LIE TO MAKE YOUR DRUG USE NOT SEEM AS BAD AS IT IS. SOME LIE TO LOVED ONE OR SPOUSES SAYING THEY ARE NOT ‘USING.’

OTHER LIES I HAVE LIED TO MY SCHOOL. I HAVE TOLD THEM I WAS SICK ALTHOUGH I WAS JUST TRUANT.. BUT I DIDN’T CARE IF I GRADUATED. I HAVE LIED TO MY FAMILY… I HAVE TOLD THEM THAT I LOVE THEM

EXAMPLES OF MY SNEAKY, DISHONEST BEHAVIOR I WOULD USE MARIJUANA FREQUENTLY. I WOULD SPEND MONEY MY MOM WOULD GIVE ME ON WEED, WHICH I ACTUALLY FOUND OUT IS A TYPE OF FINANCIAL ABUSE. I HAD DONE THIS SINCE HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SHE WOULD GIVE ME LUNCH MONEY AND INSTEAD OF BUYING LUNCH, I WOULD BUY WEED. I WAS IN DESPERATION BECAUSE I COULD NOT FIND A JOB AND MARIJUANA WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME LESS DOWN IN THE DUMPS, SO I HAD A NICE ROUTINE OF BORROWING MONEY AND LIGHTING UP SO I COULD FEEL LESS LIKE TRASH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND AT THE TIME THAT SHE WAS NEVER VERY WELL OFF AND DID NOT HAVE EXTRA MONEY TO BE USING ON MY DRUG USE. I JUST REMEMBER BEING A GIRL AND THINKING SHE WAS SO RICH AND SMART THAT SHE HAD PLENTY AND ME ASKING FOR SOME EVERY SO OFTEN REALLY WOULDN’T HURT HER FINANCES. I WOULD SAY “WELL I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A JOB CONSTANTLY, BUT NO ONE WILL HIRE ME. I AM GETTING LUNCH. HOW COULD ANYONE IN THE WORLD LIVE OFF 10$ A DAY? SO I’D RECEIVE MORE MOSTLY IN 5$ INCREMENTS UNTIL I’D HAVE ENOUGH FOR A 10$ SACK AND A HALF TANK OF GAS. THE TEN SACK WAS ABOUT A GRAM AND WOULD LAST ME 2-3 DAYS. I WAS UNEMPLOYED FOR 4 YEARS. DISABILITY I HAD APPLIED TO 2X, LAST IN APRIL OF 2017, THEY WOULD NOT ACCEPT ME. IT WAS ALWAYS, “YOU’RE NOT DISABLED ENOUGH OR YOU HAVEN’T WORKED ENOUGH TO RECEIVE ANY BENEFITS.” I GUESS, I PUT ON A GOOD ACT WHEN I GO TO THE DISABILITY OFFICE TO APPEAR NOT DISABLED ENOUGH. I NEVER FOUND THAT FAIR BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE RECEIVING DISABILITY AND I GUESS IT WAS TOO MUCH WORK TO GIVE BENEFITS TO JUST ONE MORE. SO I HAVE RECENT GOTTEN WORK AND AM GIVING MONEY BACK YO MY MOM. SHE MUST HAVE LOANED ME A COUPLE THOUSAND FOR DRUG/ALCOHOL/GAS MONEY. I AM TRYING TO GIVE HER ALL OF THAT BACK AND PAY OFF HER CAR. WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU WERE CAUGHT LYING: HAD TO SERVE 2 YEARS PROBATION 15 DAYS IN JAIL PAY FINES OF 7,000$+

IMPACT OF YOUR DISHONESTY: I HAVE HURT THE SHADOW MAN. I HAVE UNDERMINED HIS MANHOOD AND DEMANNED HIM TO MAKE HIM ANGRY WITH ME.

HOW YOU HAVE HURT YOURSELF: BECAUSE OF MY DRINKING AND DRIVING I HAVE BEEN HELD HOSTAGE FOR 1 YEAR AND 7 MONTHS. I USED TO WALK TO LEAVE BUT THEN I ANGERED THE SHADOW MAN AND HE HURT ME SO I CAN NO LONGER LEAVE MY HOME. I WILL MOSTLY ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER.

FEELINGS THAT OCCURRED BECAUSE OF YOUR DISHONESTY: RATHER BY ALONE, WANT TO RUN AWAY…. SO I WOULD ROCK BACK AND FORTH IN THE CORNER AND CRY

POSITIVE EFFECTS FROM TAKING THE RISK TO BE HONEST: I CAN LEAVE THE PLACE I AM HELD HOSTAGE IN, RUN FROM THE SHADOW MAN AND NOT BE PUT IN HARMS WAY EVER AGAIN.

HOW TO BE MORE REAL WITH THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE: I DON’T HAVE ANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE

DEVELOP A GOAL FOR IMPROVING YOUR ABILITY TO BE HONEST IN RECOVERY. DEVELOP A PLAN TO BE MORE AND MORE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS: STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY GET OUT OF HARMS WAY

DENIAL AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE MAY CAUSE YOU TO NOT SEE THINGS THE WAYS OTHERS SEE THEM. NOT NOTICE THEY ARE WRECKING HAVOC ON YOUR LIFE. MAY NOT SEE THEIR USE AS A PROBLEM, LIKE OTHERS DO. DENIAL KEEPS THE PROBLEM GOING. DENIAL IS CAUSED BY FEAR. PEOPLE ARE AFRAID IF THEY ASK FOR HELP AND ADMIT THEY HAVE A PROBLEM PEOPLE WILL LABEL THEM AS “WEAK” “CRAZY” OR “A BAD PERSON” ENABLING IS WHEN OTHERS SEE THE USER HAS A PROBLEM BUT DOES NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT TYPES OF DENIAL 1) MINIMIZING – SOMEONE MAKES SOMETHING BIG SEEM SMALL. “IT IS JUST MARIJUANA IT IS THE SAME AS BEING SOBER, BUT ENHANCED.” “AT LEAST I WAS NOT SLAMMING.” OR I.E. “I ONLY SMOKE WEED A FEW TIMES A WEEK.”

2) RATIONALIZING – USES REASONS OR EXCUSES TO USE “IT’S MY WAY.” “WELL, IF IT WERE LEGAL, I WOULD USE.” “USE IS A THING OF LIFE.” “IT HAS HEALTH BENEFITS.” “IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER” “I’M ALREADY LATE SO I WILL CONTINUE USING” TEXTBOOK: “IT IS MY BIRTHDAY, SO IT IS OK TO GET DRUNK.”

3)BLAMING – AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR CHOICES BY POINTING FINGER, LIKE OTHERS CAUSE OUR PROBLEMS. “THEY PROVIDED IT AND OFFERED.” “WIFE USED ME TO DO BUSINESS.” “IT’S YOUR FAULT.” “FUCK THE POLICE.” “HEALTHCARE PROVIDED HIM WITH THE MEDICATION…. FOR MANY YEARS” TEXTBOOK: “MY PARENTS WON’T STOP NAGGING ME SO I GET HIGH.”

4)LYING – WEAVE A COMPLEX WEB TO COVER LIES. LIE ABOUT USE. EASY TO LIE. “IF I WAS CONFRONTED ABOUT LYING, I WOULD NOT DENY IT… I CALLED UP A COP ONCE AND ASKED HIM TO TAKE ME IN.” “BECAUE YOU SAW ME WITH IT, I’M NOT GOING TO BS YOU.” WOULD LIE TO WIFE ABOUT USE. TEXTBOOK: WHEN WE ARE AT A USING PARTY, WE SAY, “I WAS JUST AT A FRIENDS HOUSE!”

5)INTELLECTUALIZING OR COMPARING – COMPARE TO OTHERS TO MAKE OUR PROBLEMS SEEM SMALLER. “THEY DO NOT HARASS THE RICH FOLK IN THE MCMANSIONS.” “WELL, WHY CAN’T I USE?” “THEY HAVE NO SOULS ANYWAY AND JUST SPEND ALL THEIR MONEY ON DRUGS. WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD IT MAKE. FOR WHOM ARE WE TRYING TO STOP RANDOM USERS FROM USE?” “SO & SO LIVED IN A TENT, I DID NOT.”

6)DIVERTING – CHANGING THE TOPIC WHEN ASKED ABOUT USE. “WHERE YOU USING LAST NIGHT?” “WHAT DO YOU THINK!!!” LOOK AT HER AND WALK OFF. “HEY IT’S MY LIFE. YOU DON’T MATTER ANYWAY.” “DO I KNOW YOU?” ONE PERSON’S TENT IS ANOTHER’S PALM TREE. TEXTBOOK: “YOU CAN HOME PRETTY LATE LAST NIGHT” “WELL, DID ANYONE CALL FOR ME?”

7)ANGER – EXPLODE WITH ANGER WHEN CONFRONTED “DAMN YOU! YOU MUST BE THE HIGH AND MIGHTY ALL POWERFUL!!” “WHO ARE YOU TO TOUCH MY PROPERTY!!” ANGRY IF I WAS HIDING DRUGS AND SOMEONE WAS SNOOPING. ANGRY WIFE SO HE DISSOCIATED

HOW TO HELP OVERCOME DENIAL. IT IS POSSIBLE! CONFRONT THEM WHEN THEY USE THOSE TYPES OF STRATEGIES. YOU WILL KNOW THEY ARE CURED WHEN!!! OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGES EXISTENCE OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM…. “YEAH, I USE.” ACCEPST RESPONSIBILITH FOR THEIR CHOICES AND BEHAVIORE…. “MY BAD HOMIE.” LESS DEFENSIVE AND MORE OPEN….. “WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?” SEES CONNECTION BETWEEN USE AND LIFE PROBLEMS… “NOW THAT I USE I CANNOT BUY A MANSION” INCREASE IN HONESTY……… “I USE FREQUENT AND PREFER IT TO SOBRIETY.. AFTER TRYING BOTH WAYS.” DEALS WITH PROBLEMS WITH CONTINUED POSITIVE ACTIONS…… “I WON’T USE EVERY DAY.” MY CHOICE..NO BIG DEAL

THE LAST TIME I USED WISHFUL THINKING WAS WHEN: I WISHED I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS WHEN IN REALITY: YOU EITHER HAVE TO WORK FOR MANY YEARS OR BE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON TO RECEIVE A MILLION DOLLARS. THE LAST TIME I ISOLATED WAS WHEN: I LOCK MYSELF AWAY WHEN IN REALITY: YOU WILL NEVER BE ALL ALONE AS YOU WOULD LIKE THE LAST TIME I USED DEFIANCE WAS WHEN: I PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE WALL. “I FIGHT MYSELF, BUT I LOSE.” WHEN IN REALITY: NOW IT LOOKS BAD PROVIDES ME WITH A NEGATIVE MOOD WHEN I REALIZE I CANNOT FIX IT PERFECTLY. I HAVE TO PAYTO FIX IT AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE COULD FIX IT PERFECTLY. THE LAST TIME I USED MY OWN DEPENDENCY WAS WHEN: SINCE I CAN’T DRIVE, I WALKED 1000 MILES IN 8-10 MONTHS… TO MARKETS TO FEED MYSELF. WHEN IN REALITY: I COULD HAVE JUST DROVE WITHOUT HAVING THIS CHARGE! THE LAST TIME I MINIMIZED WAS WHEN: THIS USE OF A LIL WEED I HAVE LEFT WON’T HURT ME WHEN IN REALITY: WANT MORE WHEN I RUN OUT THE LAST TIME I RATIONALIZED WAS WHEN: “I CAN FIX IT” WHEN IT REALITY: TAKES HARD WORK TO FIX A THING THE LAST TIME I USED BARGAINING: IF YOU DOTHIS JOB WITH ME I WILL BE ABLE TO PAY YOU BACK, PAY OFF YOUR LOAN, YOU WILL NOT BE BEHIND AND IT IS A STEADY INCOME WHEN IN REALITY: IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH MONEYTO GET ANYTHING ACCOMPLISHED.. HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GOING BACK ON UNEMPLOYMENT LINE AGAIN. THE WORST PLACE TO BE.

STINKING THINKING WHAT DOES STINKING THINKING MEAN TO YOU? SUCKS TO HAVE BRAIN LIST NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ON RECOVERY. WASTE OF MY VERY LIMITED TIME ALIVE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH THEY GOT ME INTO THIS CRAP AGAIN? WHO AM I DOING THIS FOR? --RECOVERY IS TOO HARD AND NOT WORTH IT-- --GRADUATED BEFORE BUT KEPT USING HAD TO REDO-- HAVE YOU EVER USED LIP SERVICE TO APPEASE YOUR COUNSELOR? …YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY, WHATEVER, BALOONEY. OR “I AM DOING QUITE FINE!!!” HAVE YOU EVER LIED ABOUT YOUR RECOVERY? DON’T BRING UP SPORADIC USE… KEEP SOBER DATE AS NEW YEARS 2017, BUT I HAVE USED SPORADICALLY SINCE. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL THE RULES ALL THE TIME? ..OF WHOM AM I FOLLOWING THIS RULE FOR??.. DO YOU FIND YOURSELF REPEATING SLOGANS ABOUTYOUR RECOVERY IN HOPES OF WINNING APPROVAL? ..”YOU CAN DO IT!” DO YOU BELIEVE ONE DAY YOU CAN BECOME A SOCIAL DRINKER? SOCIALIZING WHO NEEDS IT.. WHAT IS UNREALISTIC BELIEF OR GOAL YOU HAVE? MOVE..ERASE THE LAST YEARS OF MY LIFE.. ERASE MY WHOLE EXISTENCE FROM EVER HAPPENING… ERASE THE COP INTERFERENCES.. ERASE MY MISSED CHANCES GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN BEFORE EVERYTHING BECOMES SO PAINFUL AND TRAUMATIC. ARE RULES JUST FOR FOOLS? WHOSE RULES? NOTHING MATTERS. WHAT DID RULES HELP ANYONE ACHIEVE? TOTAL CONTROL? A BETTER WORLD? WHO KNOWS. DESCRIBE SOME CORNER CUTTING THAT YOU HAVE DONE RECENTLY. I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR RECOVERY. MINIMIZE IT AS A RECOVERY I DO NOT NEED DO YOU FEEL OTHER PEOPLE ARE RUNNING YOUR LIFE? I AM IN THEIR GOVERNMENTALLY STRUCTURED CLASS TODAY. --FOR WHOM BY WHOM?—I HAVE NOT LIVED UP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL IN 2 YEARS. I HAVE NOT BEEN HAPPY OR FOUND MEANING OR SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT IN THESE 2 YEARS. DO YOU MAKE PROMISES WITH NO INTENTION OF CHANGING? NO DO I SOMETIMES FEEL THAT MY COUNSELOR IS A FOOL? DOESN’T MATTER WOULD BE CHAOS WITHOUT RULES LIST FIVE WAYS YOU HAVE ACTED IMMATURE IN THE PAST WEEK. I HAVE CRIED. WHAT DOES “HE’S ALL TALK” MEAN? DOES THIS DESCRIBE YOU? NOTHING TO SHOW FOR – EMPTY WORDS- TALK IS CHEAP DESCRIBE HOW YOU ARE SNEAKY AND MANIPULATIVE. I STOLE MY MOM’S CAR WHEN SHE WAS ON VACATION TO SEE ONE OF MY FAVORITE ROCK BANDS IN CONCERT IN LAS VEGAS. I WAS LEFT HERE IN A PILE OF DIRT. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE HERE SO I TOOK THE CAR AND WENT TO HUNTINGTON AND BOUGHT WEED FROM THE REC SHOP. ADDICTION SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TOLERANCE: YOU NEED TO USE MORE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS TO FEEL THE DESIRED EFFECT THE SAME AMOUNT OF ALCHOL OR DRUGS DOESN’T DO WHATIT USED TO WITHDRAWL: WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALCOHOL OR DRUGS, YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY CRAVING: YOU THINKABOUT DRUGS OR ALCOHOL FREQUENTLY LOSS OF CONTROL: YOU’VE FELT AT TIMES THAT YOU COULDN’T FIT IN OR FEEL GOOD WITHOUT ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE BLACKED OUT (OR HAD PERIODS OF TIME IN WHICH YOU HAVE NO MEMORY) WHEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL OR DRUGS YOU HAVE USED ONE OR MORE DRUGS WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS OR HOW IT WOULD AFFECT YOU. LEGAL PROBLEMS: YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED OR HAD OTHER LEGAL PROBLEMS AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING PROBLEMS IN SOCIAL OR OCCPATIONAL FUNCTIONS: YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FULFILL IMPORTANT ROLE OBLIGATIONS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD CHORES, FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES, OR CARING FOR CHILDREN OR OTHER LOVED ONES, AS A RESULT OF DRINKING OR USING IMPAIRMENT OR DISTRESS RESULTING FROM USE: YOU HAVE NOT TAKEN GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF FOR EXAMPLE NOT EATING WELL OR NOT PRACTICING GOOD HYGIENE BECAUSE OF YOUR ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE

WE ALL FACE STRESS, WE ALL DON’T SMOKE CRACK THOUGH PROSECUTER FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL KEEP FROM GETTING COMPLACENT CANNIBANOID RECEPTORS IN BRAIN ONLY DRUG THAT ALREADY HAS RECEPTORS IN BRAIN AND RELEASES VERY SMALL AMOUNTS OF THC IN BRAIN REGULARLY CRF INJECTION --CHAVEZ DRUG LORDS… EL TORO..MEXICAN MAFIA-- DR. REASONS AND SWISS CHEESE MODEL DRANK TO SOBRIETY MOVIES – 28 DAYS, WALK THE LINE, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM MISHAP PREVENTION LEADING TO RELAPSE PREVENTION LAVIGNE HEART MCCAULLY STATE DEMIROL—MIDBRAIN STRATIUM—DOPAMINE— GLUTANINE AND GLUTAMATE FLASH FLOODS, A WET BRAIN NAVY PSYCHIATRIST—MEDICAL BOARD POLICE-- PLAN FOR RELAPSE. A MORAL DEFECT IN HIMSELF DISEASE MODEL DIVERSION PROGRAM 6 MO IN JAIL, 5 YEARS PROBATION ON CORONADO ISLAND

“I USED EVERY DAY FOR 5 YEARS, BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A FUTURE. ALL I LIKE TO DO IS USE. I ONLY EVER QUIT FOR TOLERANCE. I QUIT ONCE IN THAT 5 YEARS TO SEE IF I COULD GET AS HIGH AS THE FIRST 30 TIMES. I DIDN’T SO I THOUGHT 100 DAYS WASN’T LONG ENOUGH. BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO STOP USING FOR ANY LONGER, SO BECAME A DAILY USER AGAIN.”

HOW COMMON IS DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION? APPROXIMATELY 10% OF ANY POPULATION HAS AN ADDICTION (~ 700,000,000 PEOPLE) ADDICTION IS MORE COMMON THAN DIABETES (7%) PEOPLE ONLY STOP WHEN THEY HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. WHY STOP OTHERWISE? 1) ADDICTION IS PROGRESSIVE USE INCREASES IN AMOUNT AND/OR BECOMES MORE FREQUENT MORE IS NEEDED TO GET THE SAME EFFECT SEEKS MORE POWERFUL SUBSTANCES (I.E. CHANGES METHOD/TYPE OF SUBSTANCES USED) BEGINS USE IN MORNINGS, BEFORE SOCIAL EVENTS, ETC PROTECTS/HIDE STASH OBSESSION AND FANTASIZING ABOUT USE EXPERIENCES A TRUSTED RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SUBSTANCE 2) ADDICTION IS CHRONIC FINANCIAL PROBLEMS LEGAL ISSUES (DUIS, POSSESSION CHARGES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE) 3) ADDICTION IS POTENTIALLY FATAL OVERDOSE/SUICIDE ATTEMPTS 4) ADDICTION HAS IDENTIFIABLE SYMPTOMS BLACKOUTS CHANGES IN TOLERANCE PREOCCUPATION WITH ALCOHOL/DRUGS (BEOMES MOST IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE) WITHDRAWL SYMPTOMS (TREMORS, HALLUCINATIONS, SWEATS, ANXIETY, ETC) 5) ADDICTION CAUSES LIFE DETERIORATION 6)ADDICTION IS A PRIMARY DISEASE I DIDN’T LIKE THE OTHER ME 7)ADDICTION IS PREVENTABLE ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

FIVE COMMON PROBLEMS IN EARLY RECOVERY: NEW SOLUTIONS EVERYONE WHO TRIES TO STOP USE RUNS INTO VERY DIFFICULT SITUATIONS THAT MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN SOBRIETY

PROBLEM: CONTINUING ASSOCIATION WITH OLD FRIENDS OR FRIENDS WHO USE CAN CAUSE TRIGGERS NEW ALTERNATIVE: MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT 12 STEP RECOVERIES! …….OR SPIRITUAL RECOVERY GROUPS, NEW ACTIVITIES THAT WILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOBER PEOPLE

PROBLEM: ANGER OR IRRITABILITY – SMALL EVENTS MAY CAUSE ANGER THAT WILL PROMPT USING NEW ALTERNATIVE: RECOVERY INVOLVES A HEALING OF BRAIN CHEMISTRY.. MOODS WILL BE AFFECTED (ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES) “NOTHING HAPPENS THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I NEED A DRINK”

PROBLEM: ALCOHOLIN THE HOME NEW ALTERNATIVE: GET RID OF IT ALL, IF POSSIBLE, ASK PEOPLE TO STOP USING IN THE HOME IF POSSIBLE. MOVE OUT.

PROBLEM: BOREDOM OR LONELINESS NEW ALTERNATIVE: GO BACK TO ACTIVITIES YOU ENJOYED BEFORE YOUR ADDICTION

PROBLEM: SPECIAL OCCASIONS NEW ALTERNATIVE: LEAVE, DON’T GO

1. ARE ANY OF THESE A PROBLEM FOR YOU? GETTING ANGRY -> FEELING LIKE I AM BEING WATCHED/FOLLOWED

2. HOW DO YOU DEAL?

TAKE A NAP. BE ALONE. REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. BE THANKFUL AT LEAST I’M NOT SOMEONE ELSE. I.E. A LOSER.

“I CAME HERE TO STOP USING DRUGS, NOT TO STOP DRINKING.” - DRUG TREATMENT INCLUDES STOPPING ALCOHOL AS WELL. IT IS PART OF RECOVERYFROM “ADDICTION”

“I’VE DRUNK AND NOT USED SO IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.” - DRINKING OVER TIME GREATLY INCREASES THE RISK OF RELAPSE AND READDICTION.

“DRINKING ACTUALLY HELPS. WHEN I HAVE CRAVINGS, A DRINK CALMS ME DOWN AND THE CRAVINGS GO AWAY.” - ALCOHOL INTERFERES WITH THE CHEMICALS IN THE BRAIN. CONTINUED USE OF ALCOHOL ACTUALLY INCREASES CRAVINGS, EVEN IF ONE DRINK REDUCES THEM.

“I’M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC SO WHY DO I NEED TO STOP DRINKING?” - IF YOU’RE NOT ADDICTED, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM STOPPING.

“I’M NEVER GOING TO USE DRUGS AGAIN, BUT I’M NOT SURE I’LL NEVER DRINK AGAIN.” - MAKE A COMMITMENT TO TOTAL ABSTINENCE! MAKE A DECISION ABOUT ALCOHOL WITH A DRUG-FREE BRAIN.

1. HAS YOUR ADDICTED BRAIN PRESENTED YOU WITH OTHER JUSTIFICATIONS FOR DRINKING ALCOHOL? ALCOHOL IS FUN AND MAKES ME FEEL HAPPY. I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO ANYWAY. LIFE ENDS EVENTUALLY, GOOD TO LIVE WHILE I CAN. A DAY UNHAPPY IS A DAY WASTED. ALCOHOL MAKE CELEBRATIONS HAPPIER. IF IT IS A RANDOM TUESDAY, ALCOHOL CAN MAKE IT INTO A CELEBRATION.

2. HOW ARE YOU PLANNING TO DEAL WITH ALCOHOL ISSUES IN THE FUTURE? I WILL HOLD OFF ON GOING OVERBOARD. I USED TO DRINK SO MUCH THAT I WOULD VOMIT ABOUT 2 LITERS WORTH THEN I WOULD PASS OUT. ONE TIME I ABOUT FLOODED MY HOUSE BECAUSE I BLACKED OUT WHILE DRINKING BOUT 10 SHOTS IN A ROW. I WILL SAY I CAN ONLY HAVE 1 OR 2 DRINKS, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO ANGER MY PO OR THE POLICE BECAUSE THEY SCARE ME.

EXTERNAL TRIGGERS QUESTIONARE

TIMES/PLACES YOU MAY USE: HOME ALONE, HOME WITH FRIENDS, FRIEND’S HOUSE, PARTIES, MOVIES, CLUBS, CONCERTS, WITH FRIENDS WHO USE DRUGS, BEFORE A DATE, DURING A DATE, BEFORE SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITIES, WHEN CARRYING MONEY, DRIVING, LIQUOR STORE, AFTER PAYDAY, BEFORE GOING OUT TO DINNER, BEFORE BREAKFAST, AFTER WORK, SCHOOL, THE PARK, IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, WEEKENDS, WHEN IN PAIN

ONCE I USED BEFORE GOING TO A CLASS PROJECT AT THE CAPITOL CITY HALL BUILDING. A BUNCH OF OLD DUDES VOTING ON LAWS

LIST OTHER TIMES YOU USE: WHEN I WAKE UP AND HAVE SHIT ELSE TO DO ALL DAMN YEAR UNTO INFINITY BECAUSE I AM UNEMPLOYED. WHEN I AM HAVING A SHITTY TERRIBLE DAY.

LIST OCCASSIONS WHERE YOU WOULD NOT USE: GOING TO CHURCH, AIRPORT, AROUND POLICE, BEFORE WORK, WHEN AROUND EMPLOYERS, DURING A COURT HEARING FOR MYSELF, DURING DRUG CLASS OR PROBATION, WHILE AT A HOSPITAL.

LIST PEOPLE YOU COULD BE WITH AND NOT USE: ANY DAMN PERSON.

WHAT EMOTIONS WOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO USE: HAPPY, CONFIDENT, PASSIONATE, RELAXED, EXCITED, BORED, LONELY….. FABULOUS

ALMOST NEVER USE: ASLEEP ALWAYS USE: AWAKE

HAVE YOU GOT IN A FIGHT RECENTLY THAT HAS MADE YOU WANT TO USE: CHECKED YES. I AM HAPPIER WHEN I USE AND I THINK IT IS A NORMAL THING TO DO. I NEVER PLANNED TO STOP USE UNTIL GOVERNMENT INTERFERED. I DID NOT SMOKE WEED FOR THE PEOPLE INVOLVED WITH THE GOVERNMENT AND I DID NOT SMOKE WEED TO BE A STATISTIC FOR HEALTHCARE REPRESENTATIVES. I SMOKED WEED FOR MYSELF AND TO MAKE MYSELF HAVE THE BEST LIFE IMAGINABLE. I AM EXCITED TO MOVE TO A LEGAL STATE AND CONTINUING SMOKING MARIJUANA. YA KNOW, SOMEWHERE IN PRIVACY THERE.

Post Acute Withdrawal

Chinden wendys

Psychiatric Lingo

They call it Regnerative Degenerative or INTERMITTENT

Regenerative….. it will all be better soon

Degenerative ……. Symptoms get WORSE

Intermittent …… days when symptoms are better….. symptoms come and go

It is ok now Now it is bad again Now it is ok Now it is bad

Traditional treatment does not treat Most common is regenerative and then intermittent

Suicide epidemic

The weaker your resistance begins Tetanus Cut yourself on a piece of rusted metal

Lack of attention to your “recovery plan”

Stress is linchpin

Atheist/Satanist

Irrationality YOU CAN SPEAK YOUR MIND

BUT MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE AROUND YOU THINKS YOU ARE MAKING SENSE

HOW DID YOU GET HERE

STRESS GUILT CONFUSION

FIGHT A BATTLE WITHOUT A NAME

LEARNING TO TAKE THINGS A STEP THEN ANOTHER STEP

NOT OVER-REACTING TO THE SYMPTOMS.

ABSITENCE ALONE DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO PROVIDE YOU WITH GOOD HEALTH.

HOW MANY CALORIES DO I NEED EACH DAY NUTRITIONIST???? 5,000?

NO SUGAR AND NO CAFFIENE FOR A RECOVERING ADDICT. DO NOT SKIP MEALS

DO NOT EAT POTATO CHIPS SODA CANDY

DO NOT DRINK FOOD THAT PRODUCE STRESS LIKE CANDY JELLY SYRUP

LET DOWN AN HOUR LATER

JANE A RECOVERING ALCOHOL ATE ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT

EATING ICE CREAM HELP HER REDUCE CRAVING FOR ALCOHOL

SLUGGISH AND IRRITABLE COULD NOT GET ALONG WITHOUT IT

NO BREAKFAST

CAFFEINE CAUSE NERVOUS AND RESTLESSNESS

IRREGULAR SLEEP CAUSES IRRITABILITY

EXCERSIZE REDUCES STRESS

NATURES TRANQUILIZERS

STRETCHING AND AEROBIC.

RAISE HEART RATE TO 75% OF MAXIMUM

JOGGING SWIMMING JUMPING ROPE

ABLE TO BE MORE PRODUCTIVE

EXERCISE 3-4 TIMES A WEEK

MAKE TIME FOR EVERY DAY

EVERY DAY THAT YOU DO NOT EXERCISE YOU ARE TREATING YOURSELF

NO PAIN NO GAIN

COPE LAUGHING PLAYING READING

Relapse fight/flight

Muscle cannot relax and tense at the same time

It is impossible to remain tense and relax

Can imagine yourself in a better place

Spiritual divination

Gives your life purpose!!!

Peace of mind through no limitations 😊

Can reach with hope with a positive attitude

Do not have to be open to higher powers

Prayer through spirituality

biopsychosocial

spiritually retold

wholesome living

self-fulfillment

optimum stress level

walter was irritable and anxious

experienced more about saturday

how did your week go???

Friday in wilder

missed 2 UAs – got a car

doesn’t like being alone

can’t get rides to his UA

has 4 classes a week

lives in meridian

thinking about how to get here on his off days

chris

relapse lost his job

new job at Wendy’s

nueropsych test

5 hour

st. als

major traumatic brain injury

2005

high speed rollover accident

pole thrown at her head in the back side

how to deal with problems when they occur

don’t worry

be patient

retrain your brain is rehab to be a new person

longer a peron is sober the less the symptoms become

NA and AA

EARLY RECOVERY

My use will effect them

you have to forget about them if you are putting the pipe to your mouth or you will feel guilty

I was isolated at the drug house

2 notes · View notes

theindependentjournals · 5 years

Text

Puff, the Magic Dragon

Come one, come all! Gather all ye round my fire-pit, and I will share with you my folklore. The power I feel when I am holding my Magic Wand – my “tobacco” pipe – is unmatched. It seems when I light the sticky green kush that fills the pipe (meant for strictly tobacco use only - of course) and breathe in the fumes, the wind blows harder with more vengeance and the clouds roar until thunder booms and lightning strikes. I then take my horse out of the stable, suit up in black leather boots, hides and cowboy hat and ride through the darkness to the eye of the storm. The power stems from the feeling that I am fitting in, I am doing something that all the cool kids do. Do I think it makes me cooler and a cut above the rest that I use drugs? I believe it does. Especially when I am on them. I feel good. I feel confident and secure in myself. Not that I am not already a little magical when I’m not on drugs. I light up and all the sorcery I have cast appears in front of my bloodshot eyes in the form of a firework show. I see colors and hear music. It’s like a “Saturday in the Park” every day. It’s like trumpets are being blown at the arrival of The Queen to The United States where American Flags are waving triumphantly as her plane touches down. Little trivialities do not concern me. Only America’s and thine own victories are at the forefront of my mind. I drive by all the woman and they smile at me in their Sunday’s best and on their best behavior. I click my heels, tip my hat as they swoon. All is right in the world. There is no bad, but only good. Bad is unbeknownst to me in my little corner of heaven where the flowers bloom and the sky shines blue right on cue.

The first time I found my way into wheeling and dealing with illegal substances, I was 16 and in the eleventh grade. My girlfriends and I made it a thing to spend the weekends together. We would talk about girls, boys, hermaphrodites, make jokes and mess around well into the night. I guess it is just something we preferred to being alone. We knew everything about everyone in our school. We got a hoot out of them. We enjoyed frequenting the cinema and even so lucky to see our favorite musicians in concert. For example, the first movie we went to see together was Blades of Glory with Will Ferrell. As a group, the first movie we watched was Coraline. We would get excited about going to the movies almost every single weekend, so we could be very in the know about up-to-date cinematography. We went to handfuls of concerts, such as Bring Me the Horizon, Mychildren Mybride, Chiodos, A Skylit Drive, Family Force 5, Escape the Fate, and A Day to Remember. Recently I have seen The Cary Brothers, but that is on a-whole-nother level. We went to Roller Derby events, Art in the Park, Hyde Park Street Fair.

The girlfriend I spent a lot of time at school with, due to her being in my homeroom classes, (actually the first person I sort of chilled with in middle school that I saw on the first day of 9th grade) would always speak of her nights of drinking, drug use and intercourse at Monday lunches. She lived in a trailer park with her grandmother and mother. She was upset with her mom because she would not look for work. I would say little, well, what did I do that weekend? Pass out….watch TV….. do my homework….? So it goes, throughout our 9-10 grade year, she would do those things occasionally and in the 11th year she found a reputable provider of alcohol and started drinking more exuberantly. She had a new girlfriend and she didn’t need me as much as before. I found other companionship as well. One of my “other friends” had been caught drinking at a park after dark with her buddies from Meridian Medical Charter and was put on juvenile probation in grade 9 or 10. She had also been drinking at a cabin party where she was in a terrible accident and the vehicle rolled. Luckily, they survived. She was furious with the driver because the driver claimed, “I am fine to drive.” And of course, the driver was Asian. My pal had cut back on alcohol use, but thought she was healed from that trauma enough to divulge once again in a safe environment. She had known I had not used before, but she knew I was interested in tasting what they would always rave on. Sometimes I whined that I never had the opportunity. She would preach safe drinking because she had experienced the effects personally. We waited until my parents went out of town and had the other girlfriend brought us a “half gal.” She says to be careful because when you are young and a beginner, a little goes a long way. They were similar in such respects.

I set the stage. My flat screen is connected to my Dr. Dre, Tech N9ne, Snoop Dogg, 50 Cent booth. The party refreshment I stowed for the week in my closet was busted out and awaiting to be pressed to our lips. The house is clean, catered and decorated to the best of my abilities. I had showered, shaved, and was in my best attire when the guests began to arrive. One of the party-goers had skipped a Band Trip with her Lesbian Lover to attend My Party. (Although she was already a slacker. She played drum line.) I told her it was sure going to be “Crunk” and we would get “Schwasted.” Another one of them was “Big Boobs McGee.” She wouldn’t have come had the lesbian not. She was very picky of who she put her time into. Third, we had “Monotone Melissa Magaret” We were ripe to the pickin’, ready and willing to go all-out to get “Riggity-Riggity-Wrecked!” This was my first time. Each of the guests had indulged in this vice prior. They arrive together, and we decide on doing a round of shots. One round turned into three quite quickly where we begin to slowly fade into the outskirts of intoxication. We knew we were in for some fun at that point. Monotone Melissa thinks she’ll pour a “Screwdriver.”

Turns out, I am rowdy, full of spirits, and don’t know when to stop or what boundaries are. I found myself on a chair in my living room and “Big Boobs” was laying up against me in the recliner with the foot rest up. I think she was there first, but my butt snuck up into the little space she had between her and the armrest. I remember the feeling of elation. I couldn’t stop hitting on her. She told me she wasn’t a lesbian when I told her I was in love with her. At that point I began to cry. I get up and sneak off, when everyone is too drunk to be paying attention, to the alcohol on the counter. I have a habit of getting sad and then chugging straight liquor. I must have cried hard for a half-hour when somebody said “MAN, YOU’VE BEEN CRYING FOR SOME TIME.” I say, “HAVE I, NOW?” I had no memory of this hysterics. There was alcohol spilled all over the floor and counter from my hysterical shot glass attempts and, now there is a full-blood Hispanic in my living room. Next, I find myself deeming this Hispanic “Pablo.” He had a Caucasian sounding name (Like e.g. Jim), but to me he appeared as a “Pablo.” Then, I am out back in the yard. I look to the sky, it is beautiful, as always. Then I tackle the lesbian onto the grass and start smooching her all over. I go inside, fall over, try very hard to get off the floor, but I can’t. “MY BODY FEELS LIKE THAT GUMBY CHARACTER.” No big deal, but I am officially drunk for the first time in my life.

“…..So what we get drunk.. So what we smoke weed….” As everyone begins to awake, they “gotta blast,” but want something greasy to rid their hangovers. They’re thinking Mac D’s. I get a threatening text from the lesbians’ lover that I better never put my hand on her property ever again. “Oh,” I say, “I didn’t mean it. We were just drunk. Of course I don’t have a thing for her, she’s just a good friend!” I was a little scared. She sounded like she meant it. I wake up and I am still drunk. There is about an inch of liquor left and I take another shot because, “Why the hell not!?” At this point I am enjoying the new feelings in my body and I do not wish to revert back to a normal state of dull routine quite yet. I could immediately see how this would be addictive to me. At the time, I did not think into Abuse or Addiction. I just used seldom as I pleased, for the shits & giggles, as in stress-relief. My parents are due home in a few hours. I’m not sure exactly when. I begin to feel scared because I am obviously still drunk or hungover or still drunk. I pray they won’t get home early and will be gone. My parents are both of addictive personalities. I pray they won’t get suspicious when I am asleep in bed and not down to greet them. I greet them anyway although I am still a little drunk. Then I crawl back to my bed and hide away, no questions asked.

At this young age, I am still respectful and obedient of my parents. My conscience does not want to disappoint them. It is funny how much I dread any sort of trouble in fear of punishment from my parents, because when I get in trouble my parents never are actually mad with me. They are angry people and can get nasty but mostly with each other. I thought they would turn that nastiness towards me, but that never happened. They usually shrug, shirk it and go on with their business like, “Oh, that isn’t too bad.” This is hilarious. The very next weekend, my mom decides to move the bed from the guest room into storage. I had forgotten, while drunk that I had put the bottle of the alcohol under that bed. She moves it and the crime I thought I had gotten away with was in view for her. She asks, “What is this?” I tell my girlfriends and we roll on the floor laughing. “Oh, it was my first time,” I say, “I only drank about eh, half the bottle, more or less, between us five.”

Now, I really thought these were nice young woman. Better friends than I could ever imagine actually having. And we bonded over this drug use. It was almost no more to us than an inside joke. We knew we were good. We were impermeable. This drug use would not harm or test our solid sense of inner strength. We knew we had this one life and were going to live it to our fancy. One day, we are over for a chill. One of them walks us to the parkway drive. She’s got a pipe and a baggie. She asks, “Does anyone want to try some of this?” We all agree that it wouldn’t be too bad to just try it. The lesbian lovers were united again and they had already smoked marijuana together before. But again, this was all rather occasionally seldom. We get in a circle and she says it is Spice (K2), a fad at the time that you could buy at tobacco stores!! Otherwise referred to as “Potpourri.” She received it from her brother who was one year older. We roast the bowl and feel funny. My Asian friend pipes up, “My dad is out of town and the house is empty. I didn’t know you guys wanted to get high tonight. We could go back there and relax.” We walk back to retrieve our belongings and my body feels almost made of stone. It is hard to pick up my legs to walk. I exclaim, “I feel like a statue!” I guess it was kind of like walking on the moon. We load in the car and head a short-way east to set up camp. Almost out of a dream, she’s got a table out back with just enough seats. Just like the characters in That 70s Show, we would toke in a circle. This was Pope, so the high was around 15 minutes. But you were extraordinarily high for those 15 minutes. At the comedown, we would just smoke more. It was off the wall, but we all agreed that we enjoyed doing this and were even more pleased our parents hadn’t a clue or they didn’t care to. She tells us, “My dad will be gone the entire week. My girlfriend is staying with me. Why are you smoking that spice and not legit marijuana anyway? I can get us some real weed.” I am all, “Uh, how much does this cost? How much do you need to buy?” She is, “You can get really high off a small amount. We’d probably only need a dime bag to get good and ‘stoney-baloney.’” We agree we will search for real marijuana because the spice only leaves you high for 15 minutes and always a disappointment to comedown. Such a disappointment to come down. So our sessions would last a few hours. Plus, it’s kind of a dirty high. Real marijuana and you were high for two hours.. then you could smoke again or pass out.

“We’ve got the goods!” One of the lesbians creates a “Gravity Bong” for us and tries to explain the mechanics behind how you use it. You dip the Gatorade bottle with holes in the bottom in the bucket of water, then pull up slowly when you torch the bowl, (making sure to only light the side of the bowl as to not waste “greens”) as the smoke fills up the bottle, then you untwist the cap until when you can see the smoke and inhale the vapor. You must blow outward to empty your lungs so they have full capacity when you are breathing in. She says it is the best way to smoke weed and the gravity bong gets you the highest. “Who wants greens? Angela it is your first time, so you can take them. Here, I can light it for you.” My first reaction when breathing in this foreign vapor, is to hack up a lung. My lungs are virgin to the substance and it burns heavily. I can’t take too large of a hit. We start toking before one of my friend shows up. She gets there a little concerned like, “Hey, I can smell that from the front yard. You don’t think your neighbors can smell it? We better move further back.” We feel all philosophical on this drug. We feel our minds bending in our skulls. We feel like we can reach a level we can’t reach intellectually without this drug. We try not to cough and take it like a champ. Our friend keeps saying she’s getting “Scooby Snacks.” (Ew) We become enamored with learning terminology and more about this miraculous little drug. I say what I’m feeling is really a sort of an epiphany. Brilliant things would come to me almost out of nowhere! We have a wonderful time. They even built a fort. The lesbian was practicing rapping the fast part in “Look at Me Now.” The notorious quote from our silly friend arises, “Shall we load another bowl?” To sum up my first time smoking weed, time slows to a stand still and everything becomes hilarious. I felt a sense of safeness and contentness that I was not used to. I had always been a little depressive and anxiety-ridden, but this provided me with a smile.

Melissa’s brother’s friends become known as “dealers,” or that’s what everyone called them at least. My friends would like to refer to him as “Permafried.” Him and his pals would experiment with huffing freon on the weekends when they were fooling around. At school one time, Melissa invited us to her home for lunch. “I usually walk,” She says, “But today, I don’t feel like it.” We get to her house and all is normal. She goes briskly upstairs to her bedroom. I follow her, being curious as I am, and find her with a Coke can with holes poked in it with a thumb tack and she is smoking spice and blowing the smoke out of the window. I say, “Ey, now that is pretty cool that you smoke before class.” She says, “Yeah, but it is just spice so the high doesn’t last long and I’m usually sobered up by the time class gets in session.” I ask if I can take a hit before class, you know, to loosen up a little. School was stressful and we didn’t enjoy high school much. She asks me in our last period how I liked it. We had History 10 together. She sat in front of me. She was right I was not very stoned by the time class started. One time we decided we didn’t like how our history teacher did the lessons. We wrote her an anonymous note saying she was a great person but a crappy teacher and put it on her desk in stealth. Next time, we contact her dealers one lunch. There is a bong on the table outside Melissa’s house. I guess her parents were out of town. We get a bag of OG Kush. Apparently, it’s the hottest weed on the market. I remember thinking it didn’t seem any more special than what I had previously tried. As a beginner, I’d always let someone else take control of the bag and load the bowls and all. Literally, all I had to do was take the pipe, light it, and pass it. I would pitch in to pay instead of buying lunch because of the desire to get high and just eat cereal or something. We light up and I drive us back to school in my mom’s 2007 Toyota Escape Sport-Truck. Now, I am feeling like a complete badass and school doesn’t seem like a chore. “Is anyone else as high as me right now?” I think. My friends tell me, “I know you shouldn’t have tried it because you are going to want to get high all of the time and then I will be disappointed in you.” I’m like, “Stop that chit-chat right now, I am a big girl and I will smoke weed if I please.” My willfulness was beginning to rear its’ ugly head.

A experience I remember, is weekends at Monotone Melissa’s. Her parents roomed downstairs, her upstairs. She had a “TV room.” Sometimes I would play Donkey Kong on her vintage machine. Once we watched The Hills Have Eyes and I about shit my pants. This particular time, she had a sack and I would park my truck around the bend by her house and we’d sneak out to the car with the sack and fill my gravity bong with water bottles we kept in a bag. She told me that she heard you can get higher if you hold in the smoke. I lit me a big fat, yellow hit and held my breath for about 3 minutes. When I went to breathe out, not only was I oxygen deprived, but the weed smoke had already binded to my aioli’s and no weed smoke came out. She said, “HOLY SHIT. THAT WAS A HUGE HIT. YOU DIDN’T EVEN BREATHE OUT.” She asks if we are good. Then we stumble inside. I go lay on the couch and she goes to her room. I grab my IPod with 1400 songs and put on shuffle. I am amazed. I go – I’VE NEVER HEARD MUSIC SOUND THIS GOOD BEFORE. I had all types of music I had never listened to. Shuffle began with “Bear” by The Antlers, then went to some Bombay Bicycle Club. I decided whilst stoned alone I would make a mission to discover music I liked that I had never heard. After school one time we went to an abandoned house and smoked in the backyard. We started getting that paranoia when we thought the man just walking by was out to get us so we had to hurry to hop the fence and leave. We were addicted at this point. Once we were at a party and had no smoke so we tried to smoke cat nip because I read on a forum it gets you high like weed. It got us a little high, but it was not like weed. I remember the first time I drove after smoking weed. We decided to go on a “Space Cruise.” The first thing I say when I put my foot on the accelerator is “I FEEL LIKE I AM OPERATING A ROCKETSHIP!” You are driving the speed limit, but everything around you is moving so slow.. We only find problems with staying in such a small lane. We have to have the co-pilot make sure we are not gravitating towards the other lane. We drove across town and I quickly found that to be my favorite post-toke activity.

We always worry about appearing sketchy, but we never actually come close to getting caught. Well except caught by their mothers. It was very easy to get away with. One of the girls would surprisingly bring a thermos with her weed and pipe and lighter to class every day, just set on her desk like it was water. It was exceptionally hilarious when she would come to after lunch period (Algebra II) stoned. She was Asian. For some reason that escaped us, it was always obvious that she was high. This was before I smoked before classes ever and before I used frequent. It seemed to be 2-3 times a week. And also, surprising the teachers didn’t care. Her eyes were red as the devil and so pronounced. I never really asked if anyone else could tell. But I knew instantaneously. It was so obvious and she would move SO slow. One day I’m like, “It’s kind of weird when you come to class high because it is OBVIOUS.” I guess nobody really cared though. I started to keep my gravity bong in the trunk of my car in my backpack. We would go to Lesbian’s house or Lesbian’s new girlfriend’s house during lunch and smoke a bowl. Sometimes we’d bring the pitcher into Stinker and fill it with water so we could smoke on the side of a road in one of the neighborhoods. Oh boy, we sure liked her. She was 14 and told us that she loved cocaine and acid. She was the first girl I asked on a date but then when we got there I lost my nerve. I had to ask her like 4 times how old she was because I kept not remembering or understanding that she was a 14 year old sophomore. Then we’d get the munchies and eat cup o’ noodle or like, rice krispy treats. We never had to go to last two periods sober! We were just fucking high. We would smoke about every weekend and then it progressed to most lunch periods, then to every lunch period. Just the way I liked it. Oh, and after school too. My parents would ask when I’m coming home, I’d always tell them I went out to shoot some hoops. I used to play a lot of basketball in my childhood.

We’d walk in the high school and be like “WHO SMELLS LIKE WEED??” “OHMYGOD IT’S US!!” We go to a party once and the cops bust it. We had just showed up about 5 minutes before the cops arrived. We had not done anything but were talking on loading up the pipe when the club goes on lock-down. There are 300 people in the home! We do not open the doors. We do not look out the blinds. All the curtains are closed. We act like it’s a fucking earthquake and duck to the ground. A bird just took a shit on my head, because I parked on the opposite side of road and got me my first ticket when the coast is clear to leave. When we get in the car, my car is like “Hello. This is Onstar.” I’m like, “GREAT. THEY’VE TAPPED MY CAR AND ARE TRACKING ME NOW.” Our regular provider refuses to sell to us after that. We’re like… “We will take our business elsewhere then.”

Once we’re drinking back at my place. We pick up some Smirnoffs from a provider downtown. Me and Lesbian start downing shots. We see how many we can take in a row. We take 10-11… IN A ROW. This is about 20 minutes after cracking the bottle. Next thing I know, I come into consciousness in my shower and I have clothes on.. in the shower. I walk in my room and she is on my bed passed out. And our sober friend is nowhere to be found. I say, “EW, WHY DID YOU PUKE ON MY BED?” She says, “I didn’t puke dude.” I say, “YEAH YOU DID. THAT IS YOUR PUKE.” She says, “No you were laying on that side of the bed and you puked.” I’m like “There’s water all over the floor and coming out of the light fixture downstairs.” No wonder I reeked of vomit. She’s like “GOOD JOB YOU FLOODED THE HOUSE.” I try to ask her to fill in the blanks for me the next day at lunch in the drive thru but she isn’t good at filling them in. Me and her try ecstasy together after a gay pride event in Garden City. It is 45$ but we get 3 for $40 cause that’s all I got. We have to drive to Kuna after the event to pick up. She tells me she loves it. She is 11th grade and I am 12th but is taking summer classes to graduate a year early. She is grinding her teeth and talking nonstop. I am on the toilet and seems like I can’t stop urinating. I am on my bed trying to come down during the peak and I feel like I will never sober up. I couldn’t fall asleep until 1 pm the next day and we popped it at 11:30pm. She tells me at lunch that she told everybody she took ecstasy. All her 11th and 10th grade friends. I didn’t enjoy her talking about it but still felt a little happy buzz from trying it. Her ex-girlfriend was PISSED. So, that’s always fun to laugh on. I almost flood the house another time, but this time I was closer to drowning. I got too drunk at her house and puked again. The last thing I remember is everyone walking to sleep the upstairs. I am alone in the basement with a mattress. I last remember puking, then my drunk incompetent self thinks, better take a shower to clean up. Next thing I know, I am arisen to pounding on the bathroom door my friend is yelling at me across the locked door, “Angela!!!Angela!! You are choking on water!! You are going to drown.” This was probably one month after the first time. I guess I walked upstairs and decided to take a bath. At least I didn’t flood her house.

I then see less of my other buddies and more of another woman. I meet her due to lesbian’s new girlfriend. I take it as a bad omen that on the night she became interested in me romantically, was the worst night in all of our lives. We go to a birthday party and are taking “bong rips” in the backyard. A girl from our school looks like shes itching for a fixin cause she staring us down through the window, giving us the major stink eye. I’m like, “Does anyone else see Mak just twitching in the window?” We only stay a bit but when we get back to the friend’s house, we go to get settled. I take the floor and let this new girl have the couch. I am getting settled for bed. I put on my jammies and start folding my day clothes and unfolding my blankie and pillow. I look over and she is staring at me smiling like a fool. I don’t know what she is staring at, actually find it rather odd. Oh well. The very next day we wake up all happy and refreshed and ready for another fix. It is the weekend, after all. My friend had just turned 18 so we drive to the smoke shop and buy a $10 tub of Pope and a personal bong that we name “Dory.” She is browsing her web and she is stopped in her track by a text that her cousin was in a serious wreck that very night. I ponder on what very moment this happened. Maybe it was the moment she smiled at me. She is in intensive care at the ER hooked to a life machine. I didn’t even know they were related. I sympathize but there is little else I can do. We just met her and aren’t familiar with her much. But we do try to be patient with her. This new girl invites us to her house, they have a shed we can smoke in out back and are renting the place from a landlord. She stays home from school feeling ill one day and a few nights later we pick her up from the hospital visiting her cousin. The outlook does not seem positive. She is still in coma. They are asked if they will pull the plug because her brain is so damaged they do not believe she can ever be saved… Her cousin was in my graduating class and we were set to graduate in 2 months.

That night, instead of attending his birthday party with the cake strippers and dancing kids, she was in the car with a girl and two boys driving down the freeway after drinking at a party. The driver was speeding and ran into the freeway barrier. I guess he was on the freeway going west. I guess he decided to exit the freeway at Curtis but didn’t slow down enough and was zooming back onto the freeway on the on-ramp when he crashed. I just know I never drive like that, no matter if im a lil tipsy or not. She was passenger. He got an innumerous sentence some months later. She said one thing she knew was that her cousin would do ecstasy A LOT and she wondered whether they were rolling on “E” when it happened. She would always say well hopefully it was instant and she had no pain. The driver was sentenced to vehicular manslaughter. His name was Scotty. We continued on our routine. That night the lesbian’s new girlfriend provides us with a liquor hookup and we get some strong whiskey. We park on the side of her street by a fence and decide to take shots. The new girl did not feel like drinking, but she would toke. The rest of us got nice and toasty with our warm whiskey and a little drunk. Then a black man from across the street walks out of his house and starts toward us. We start flipping out and although I am a little intoxicated, I turn on the car and put my foot on the gas for the first time. We must avoid this confrontation at all costs. My feet feel heavy and I go really, really slow bout 7 mph. Operating the vehicle is a lot of work. I round the corner and park on the other side. We chill it for a minute to give him time to go back inside and get settled.

At this point, I couldn’t care less whether I graduated high school or had to retake last semester. Everyone else was planning for college and I wasn’t feeling that. I was truant all the time. I would get up and walk out of the building whenever. I didn’t do my own senior project and paid someone else to write it for me, skipped presentation day, but went to make-up day and just skimmed by graduating. Once I bought Adderall off Monotone Melissa and read the entire history book preparing for the final. I still got a high C, but would have gotten a LOW F, had I not. My GPA fell that semester after meeting her probably from a 3.9 to a 3.6 and my High Honors dropped to an Honors. I began to realize that these things really don’t matter much. We attended graduation together. She wanted to go to hear her cousin’s name be called. Since her cousin wouldn’t be walking, I did not walk, but sat in the back with her. I told her when I could I would get my truck driving license, save up and build us a cabin in the woods. I feel like I have things figured out. A plan set in place. Every day was so bright. I felt utterly important. I felt this was serious. I guess I really didn’t have it figured out.

They send me into the mental hospital. I hadn’t seen them in that year and that is how they welcome me home. They put me on Zoloft and tell me “You will be back.” I stay dead silent my entire time there. I do not speak to a single soul. I get out in 15 days and get my first real job. I am working my first real job real professional like. They pull me aside one day and tell me 20$ is missing from my till and that because I was two hours late I have to have a week off. I agree although they never change the tills and there was no way I lost 20$. I then miss another day and am fired out of the blue. So much for a “job.” I quit smoking marijuana when I worked, but once I was fired I had nothing else to do. I resumed using. I spent 2 years looking for a job and had around 30 interviews and no…… job. I got another job and it wasn’t the same. The supervisor was breathing down my neck. I had to walk out. The old boss calls the cops on me when I come to the store one day. I still don’t know why. Then another employee called the cops on me claiming I was stalking her. She made me look like I was insane to the cops.

I began to start seeing my ex-girlfriends friends from high school. I began to commemorate with them due to her being back in town and asking for rides every which way.. to see *insert name* to see *insert name* or the boy she is rooming with locked her out, etc. We stay a few nights in her friends’ apartment. Her roommate moved out who was the main tenant and she was left with the place for a short time longer. I’m liking these kids because they are just a hoot. Spontaneous and all. They also enjoy drugs like myself. They are speaking on a plan they have in place to leave Boise when the lease runs out on city bus and be bums/couch surfers around Portland. I drive them to the bus stop but they come back soon. One of the kids is addicted to Ativan and whines all day about how he needs to pick some up, or that he is in so much pain if he can’t have any. I wish to go with them and I hope to and take the car to accomplice them but that is a dream of mine that I never am granted permission. My mom won’t allow it and I definitely cannot take her sedan. I began driving them to donate plasma and I sign up myself, turns out to be an excellent source of small increments of money – just enough for a quick fix of drugs. I have encountered some boo-boos from the biomat. Bruises on my arms, missed placements of the needles. We’d usually make a date to go give plasma, find a hook-up for some marijuana, pick up lunch and light up. Later on, they stop allowing me to donate plasma, god knows why, but they are telling me I am being “erratic.”

I have an apartment at this time. it had always been a wish of mine to have my own place and my mom was kind enough at the time to purchase me a room. It was in Downtown Eagle, right next to where they give horse rides on the carriages. I worked a lot at that time applying for jobs and hoping to be employed so I could continue living in an apartment, but I had no such luck. I had interviews at Teleperformance, Chili’s, Subway, Moxie Java, drove newspaper for a short time, basically went through Craiglist every day for months and months and sent in applications at any place that was hiring. No luck at all. Mark and Zelle. Mostly they need me for rides. The Ativan addict Mark attempts to break his own wrist with a baseball bat so he can get a prescription for Oxys, I drive them because I have nothing better to do. One night they start stealing all of this junk from peoples’ cars to sell for drug money. I think they get four longboards, two skateboards, a graphing calculator, 2 marijuana pipes, a FM transmitter, an iPod, a laptop, five bottles of whiskey from a car with cases of liquor just chilling in the back seat, 2 credit cards, some dishes, a large Indian window curtain, and a old woman’s hospital diaper. They also liked to steal money out of donation boxes. One time he grabbed like 25 bucks from Ronald McDonald Children Donation Box with a stick and some duct tape that he had also stolen from a construction site trailer. He also put his hand in a Dutch Brothers tip jar while I was distracting the barista talking about This Month’s Special. I said, “Well, then if that’s this months, then what is Next Month’s Special?” She went to go check. Once at Hype Park Street Fair, an old guy gives Mark a beer and we are underage (19/20) He gives me the beer and says I can have it if he can drive. I get surprisingly drunk off this one beer. I hadn’t drank much since my girlfriend left (No providers.) When they find the whiskey, I drink so much while a sober driver is driving us through the hills. I hadn’t drank in a long time. I also moon the neighborhood when we are turning around. I almost fell out the window. Every time I hear that song, “All About That Bass,” I think of that moment. We take some acid tablets and pop some mollys and go see a dubstep concert, Flux Pavillion. My favorite shit ever. I was so damn high, I started writing some sick poetry when I got home.

The cops later come into contact with them about a theft they have committed, and they shift the blame on me where I am taken to court on Petit Theft. Nobody really knows if we stole from them or not, it was Sonic (flipping crazy) and the cashier saying it was me with them, driving, whilst in the police report it was listed as a car other than mine. I was not the only person they chilled with. They said it was me and two other dudes when they were given my picture from the biomat as “evidence.” I do not recall this event at all and I had to give up $75 to this case. I’d never even had two males in my car at once. They decide one day to steal from Melissa’s parents and I had to drive them to do this. I don’t agree with it but I do not try to stop them. I read through some girls’ messages who I was hanging around and they are talking on killing me on Facebook Messenger! *Insert little gun emoji.*

After losing my religion, I smoke a hit of meth because it was traumatizing. I decide for myself, I need to really just be alone and I hope to be alone forever. I bring up suicide for a second on the phone with my mother and ten seconds later there are cops forcing me out of my car and I am asking if I can please leave, I really can’t go in mental hospital again! I tell them I was only about to go home, and I was just selling a previous generation iPhone to a woman who contacted me from a Craigslist posting, because I had picked up the iPhone 6. They won’t let me go. I ask them where they are taking me once 6-7 obese men in uniforms drag me into the cop-car. They tell me we are going to the Emergency Room. Oh goody! I make sure to let them know Hell is real and they will be attending for what they have done to me. I begin to despise The Police. The Police and about most everyone. I have my first nightmare during my second stay at this hospital. It is a blood hound and it is going for my throat. I lost about 50 pounds when I was with my girlfriend and kept it off for 2 ½ years. I then go to step on the scale and realize in ingesting the Seroquel dose, the pounds packed back on in 3-4 months (monthly injections.) I can’t believe my eyes. All I knew is that it made me feel like crap. I stop the dose, thinking this must be trash medication. I go to research online and see that it is a medication blacklisted by the military. Meaning they do not use it because it causes more harm than help. I really was the happiest person in the world before they dosed me. It changed me completely. It depresses me knowing I will never be that person again. They start packing on the labels. Depressed, anxious, psychotic, schizoaffective, bipolar, mood disorder, autistic, that I am scary when I am either avoiding them or just being quiet. I think they have used every possible term in their book. I can honestly say I have not felt the same since before that dose. I used to feel good. Now most days I feel terrible like there is no cure from the damage the dose caused. I lost the weight 2.5 years later after walking 1,000 miles and working my ass off. But it is not just that, I am in pain all of the time.

Around the same time, Monotone Mellissa’s parents have chosen the mental hospital route. Her ex-boyfriend had just shot himself (suicide) while his parents were away. They start her on a fresh dose of antipsychotics (Seroquel TM) the same junk they set me up on. They let me think they will get me on disability if I consent with the dose. I tell them I’d rather prefer to not be medicated as it is against my beliefs. They tell me “WELL, WE DO {believe in medication.}” and joke about putting me in a gag when I cry. They warn me of no side effects and let the drugs destroy me. I never got the disability I was promised. (I needed to find a way to get out of my living situations quick and easy and disability seemed like the best possible option. Although I was never previously disabled.) I think I received a bill once of $36,000 for being trapped in a room at a mental health unit for 28 days once.

My lease is up, and I have to move in with my mom. She loses her job and has to give up her rental and decides to move in with her brother. I do not wish to live with my mom and her brother, but I decide I will mostly just ignore them. Usually I would just wake up get in the car and go. I meet a chick on the internet to get some weed because I had since deleted all of my old weed dealers they were starting to trip me out. I preferred smoking alone at this point anyway. As long as I didn’t need to be at home, I didn’t care. I pick up this chick. We get a sack and I drop her off. She tells me she is doing temp work for Albertsons and I should smoke her out during her break. We need another bag, so we are looking through people. She calls her friend and I go drive to pick her up. She seems normal-ish. We pick up another chick to get a bag and she says that she was on the news because she had hit something with her car and then ran and they were trying to find her. We get a bag and I take them home.

On the night of my arrest, the cops tell me someone from the gas station called the cops on me. I blow a .17. I had not been to the gas station in around 3 hours when the cops picked me up. Two months later, I am arrested again. I blow a .081 and a .083. They tell me I have to pay $3,000.00 that I don’t have. I didn’t even have money to survive then. They tell me they are going to take my license for a year. My car was the only place I could call home. I come back to my mom’s house from jail and decide I can’t survive without my license in these conditions. I overdose October 23, 2016 on 90 magnesiums and when that does nothing. I take 30 Hydroxyzine pills and 20 Risperdal which I was prescribed when forced into mental hospital but would never take.

Now, it has been two years since my first DUI on August 24, 2016. I have not drove. I have not smoked weed since December 31, 2016. I have walked around 1300 miles.. just in order to leave my parents house. When I started probation in February 2017, the orientation gal told me everyone could get off probation at half mark, “if they have completed everything necessary.” I ask around and see how long others are on probation. Most 6 months unsupervised. Me? One year. I see what is required of me immediately, Victim’s Panel, Alcohol/Drug Assessment, 2300$ court fines. I complete my assessment and Victim’s Panel. At court the attorney told me I had one year supervised and one year unsupervised. On my mandate, it says two years supervised. I ask my Probation Officer around the 6 month mark, if I can get off supervised probation. She then goes to tell me I am on supervised probation for 2 years! Oh goody! I then come back to her at the one year mark in February and she lets me know… “Oh, actually, whoever did your alcohol assessment said your drug problem was so severe that you had to spend ONE YEAR INPATIENT in the WALKER CENTER.” (I talked to him for thirty minutes basically told him I drank two beers and went home and I smoked weed occasionally.) I’m like “So, you’re telling me all this now? At my mid-probation mark?” I mean, I’m in awe that I have to stay a whole year according to her, but I’m like, my life is already wasted now, so go ahead and shove my body in there for a year. I mean, my body has been in worse places. I spend three hours one day, calling the Walker Center. They say their longest inpatient treatment is 30 days. With outpatient after. I call trying to get BPA, they deny me immediately and then my P.O. tells me “Recovery 4 Life” Pro-Bono for inpatient. She says I have to complete all this before I can get off probation. I pay off my fines as soon as possible so they will stop being assholes. I am told in court that I will have my license suspended for one year until November 16, 2017. I ask my PO around October how to get my license back since the suspension is about up. There she tells me I have monetary holds on my account that I have to pay before I can get it reinstated. I go home and ask google how much the holds usually are. It says 30-200$. Next time I am in probation I ask her how to pay the fines. She tells me my holds are 1150$. Great. I have no way to pay the fines and they don’t drop until July 2020. I call insurance because my mom starts talking at me that I can’t drive until March 2019 after some of my “rear-ends” have dropped because my insurance will be “ASTRONOMICAL” I did not even know what car insurance was. I thought it was like 50$ a month if it was anything at all. She tells me she was paying 300$/mo. on me. I didn’t know what for. I call to get an estimate and only one insurance company will insure me, Nationwide. 470$/mo. I start to work. There is nothing out here where we just moved. So anywhere I walk to, there is basically just farm land. I can’t make it to the city, but I have thought on doing a walk-hike to Seattle or Portland and not come back, that is if I cannot get my drivers license and car back. I have to complete probation first before I can leave Idaho for good, so this is why I am trying my best to finish up these classes as soon as possible. I have worked 54 hours a week every week for 7 months and every penny I have has gone to court fines and my license hold. I finished paying my court fines and my license hold, but now I either need to purchase a new car and my mom will not let me get one for anything less than 1500$. Meaning she has to come along on the job with me. I checked and I suppose I have taken about 15 of these classes and 15 of my DBT classes…..but Julie only told me I needed to do 10. Oh well.

I suppose I will end my story here. I wrote this mostly for myself. Like I say, I wrote this story the first or second week of class after hearing a woman tell her very sad story. It was alright on my read through so it appears to be good enough for me to turn in. I’ve had to delete some parts, but overall brings me back a lot of memories.. good and bad. Overall, I have come to the conclusion that my life is meaningless torture and nothing good will ever happen here on earth. The vision I had is lost and replaced with something terrible. Thanks for the class. I have my notes. I can use them if I need to refer to them in the future. Hopefully, I can make it out of Idaho.

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theindependentjournals · 5 years

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Bibliography

A story of friends. Friendship, woe, betrothment, and futility, bloodshed, dawes. And poopy. Never forget poopy. The year is 1980. Elementary ends and we begin grade 6.

Mathematics: Geometry, along with a little Pre-Calculus and a splash of Algebra I/II (A Haiku) If 1 = 7, then 7 = 2. Mr. Lindsay is Katie. Ingrid is Angela! Comb-over = Life

In my following equation, I am here to explain that we are obviously using Substitution Property

Example 1: Angela = Ingrid Ingrid = Mr. Lindsay Katie = Mr. Lindsay So.. Katie IS Ingrid!!

Example 1: A proof, explained, with work shown. If Angela is Ingrid, then Mr. Lindsay is Ingrid. If Katie is Mr. Lindsay, then Katie is Ingrid. If Katie is Ingrid, then Mr. Lindsay is Katie. If Mr. Lindsay is Katie, then Ingrid is Angela. If Ingrid is Angela, then Ingrid is beautiful.

Example 2: If Mitchell is Gay, then Mitchell does not like Tacos. If Tacos don’t like Mitchell, then TACO IS GAY!!! (using the Subversive Property)

Example 3: If I have 1 fat taco and you have 2, how many do we get? THREE (AKA: 3)

Example 4: If you cleaned your mom’s dildo, then we can use it. k.

MATH IS FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Example 1 (cnt.): If Ingrid marries into the Lindsay family she becomes Mrs. Ingrid Lindsay How many girls do you love? One. And Ingrid.

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theindependentjournals · 5 years

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Had to run away high so I wouldn’t come home low I’m on a rave, home sweet home Too many romantic dreams

We may never, ever come home But the magic that we feel will last a lifetime We do not come alone We are fire, we are stone Two eyes from the East it’s the Angel or the Beast But the thrill is worth the pain

When I drink Tequila

Dresden Dolls

It’s all been previously planned for you That is where they came from Been through the exact same deal Same place, same people

1,000 Little Stabs Dinky Doo Cat disguised as a Dog

Ba Dum Tiss – Now that’s appealing You can draw infinite lines through any shape Star has 5 points in symbol, alike human bodies.. ? Drawing with the most dimensions? How many dimensions does a form have? 3D or how many dimensions in drawing? Are there such thing as drawings with 11-D -COPPERCLOUD-

Something Solid can only have 100%, never anything over 100%

Mementos (Christmas) Butterfly Mask, Thumper Doll (Disneyland) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, The Doors VHS (St. Vincent) Finger Nail Book Face Wash – Sea Salt Bank (Unicorn), Pin (Rabbit – Winnie Pooh), Birthday Card (Cat) Toenail Cream, Magnifying Glass Toasty Coasters, Kitchen Glass (Cowabunga, TMNT) Candle, Sterling Silver Butterfly Necklace, Rose Gownie, Body Wash My Mixtape, Rose Mickey Hand, The Jungle Book DVD, Juggle Machine Milo + Otis DVD, Ghost Game, Monkey Book Flask, Candle (Vetiver, Cardamon), Book (Art of Rebellion) House Gift (“LOFT”)

You don’t think God was “Human,” but he “put baby in Mary’s belly” Who became Jesus, without her Man made from rib of Adam? An incubator – a brain from scratch

Theory The Grandfather of the child from the Paternal side and the Grandmom of the child from the Maternal side, the true lovers, the lovers that had met once upon a past life? Jack Clifford Henderson & Phyllis Jean Kahler = Anjalah Hope Henderson (Jao Pheanahl)

Something you don’t always see: New born baby, eyes full of spite and mistrust. “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”

POPE “Close but no Cigarillo”

Teekem Falls, Glade Creek, Sulfur Creek White Springs Missoula, MO Bozeman

Montana, Idaho, Ada, Canyon, Boise? Scarlett, Violet, Jasmine, Indigo, Molly, Shirley, Eve, Ellie, Cindy, Sepia Sphinx

Population: 7,500,000,000 Each person is .0000000001333333333333% of the population.

Common Powerball numbers: 1 2 6 7 8 9 11 17 18 19 22 24 25

“Abolish Mental Slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds.”

Emancipation Proclamation

Your Colors

Crimson Burnt Orange Yellow Toast – Mustard Forest Green

Mint Green Foxtrot Blue Electric Silver – Grey

Deep Red Deep Green Plumbers Brown

White Black

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theindependentjournals · 5 years

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“Health Foods” Grocery List

· Vanilla Soy Milk (no fat)

· Almond Milk (With B12)

· Steel Cut Plain Oatmeal

· Black Beans, White Beans, Kidney Beans (No Salt Added) -burns fat, reduce blood sugar, builds up good bacteria

· 4 Sweet Potatoes

· 3 Tomatoes

· 2 Avocado

· Broccoli

· Spinach

· Basil Leaves

· Onions

· Vinegar, Olive Oil for Salad

· Mozzarella Cheese

· Brown Rice

· Organic Eggs

· Whole Grain Pita Bread

· Pesto

· Whole Grain Spaghetti

· Whole Grain Farfelle

· Tomato Paste (cooked, decreases cancer/strokes/artery aging)

· Walnuts, Almonds (eat a handful a day)

· Portobello Mushrooms (Anti-Ageogenic, starves fat cells)

· Whole Wheat Panini Bread

· Light Tuna

· Unsweetened Orange Juice

· Green Tea Other Teas (Black, Oolong, Dandelion)

· Whole Wheat Jalapeño Tortilla

· Reduced Calorie Ranch Dressing

· Strawberries, Raspberries (Anti-Ageogenic)

· Grapes

· Kiwi

· Salmon, Cod, Mahi-Mahi (Eat 2x week for Omega-3)

· Chicken

· Dried Fruit

· One glass Red Wine a night helps Heart

· Green Apples

· Lemon, Pomegranate Juice (Repair Cellular Damage from Processed Foods)

· Watermelon

· Pineapple

· Bananas

· Cacao Powder

· Extra-Firm Tofu, or Silken for Miso Soup

· 3 Peaches

· Cuties

· Aloe Leaf

· Jackfruit

· Mango

· Cilantro

· Ginger

· Cucumber

· Chili Peppers

· Egg Roll Wrappers

· Mustard Green, Goldenseal, Gentian, Endive, Romaine

· Sun-Dried Tomatoes

· Jalepeno

· Artichoke Hearts

· Poms

· Young Coconut

· Cashews

· Dragonfruit

· Sesame, Avocado, Grapeseed Oil

· Lemon-Herb Vinagratte

· Black Cherry Juice

· Coconut Cream

· Kefir

Recipes:

Spinach Gnocci (Serve with Grilled Fish and Arugula Salad)

· 2 Pounds Fresh Spinach (3 Bunches)

· 16 Oz. Ricotta Cheese

· 6 Tablespoons Parmesan

· 2 Egg Yolks

· 4 Tablespoons Unsalted Butter

· 2 Handsfuls Sage

1. Preheat Oven to 350﮿F

2. Bring Large Pot Salted Water to a Boil

3. Cut stems off Spinach and soak the Leaves in the Sink

4. Add Spinach to Boiling Water and cook 1 Minute

5. Remove Spinach and Plunge in a Large Bowl of Ice Water to stop the Cooking

6. Drain Spinach very well, using clean towel to Squeeze out extra Water

7. Chop Leaves very Finely

8. Put Cooked Spinach in Large Bowl. Add Ricotta, Parmesan, Egg Yolks, and Season with Salt and Ground Black Pepper

9. Mix Well, shape into Balls the size of Walnuts

10. Lightly Butter a Casserole Dish

11. Cook for 20 Minutes at 350﮿F

12. In Medium Skillet, Sauté Sage with 1 ½ TblS. Butter until it starts to Brown.

13. Dress Gnocci in This.

Herbed White Bean Hummus

· 2 Cups Cooked White Beans

· 1 tsp Fresh Lemon Juice

· ¼ Cup Chopped Fresh Basil

· 1 tsp Red Wine Vinegar

1. Blend

2. Add Basil

3. Pulse Briefly

Farfalle With Mushrooms and Spinach

Pine Nut Pesto

Southern Meatloaf Sandwich

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theindependentjournals · 5 years

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Vehicle Purchase – Car, Auto, Boat, Truck, Cycle

Fairview/Maple Grove. Used Lexus & Mercedes. (208) 863-8196

8850 Fairview Rd. Sunrizewholesale.com. (208) 461-5938

A 2010 vehicle & a ’98 Cavalier (1200$). Nampa/Caldwell. (208) 440-4068.

IDEA FOR A NEW SOFTWARE

The screen is fixed. All that appears on the screen is strictly the software. Malwares intrude upon Software. Something with no Malware. Rich companies (Monopolies); Google, MSN, Facebook, Yahoo Vs. Organizational Companies & Databases. Homepage will have no longer a large infinite user capability, it will have usage buttons to guide purpose of use. You will have selections such as “Pay Bill,” “Learn a Skill,” “Research/Study,” “Games,” “Storage.” Browsers will not be linked to an infinite search with is loaded with Virus, Scam, Inappropriate Content, Pop-Ads, and all that is not entirely useful and expenditures. There will be gems that are handpicked that cover everything that is entirely useful. The infinite web will go extinct. Database can be bought of for “Study” capability. Topics listed Chronologically. A search bar with all sorts of topics. “Learn a Skill” will be the same but with Applicable Skills that by the time you finish the educational section, you will be a newfound master with study questions and answers. Traffic will be controlled and the way to send and receive information modified. Games are not the common games that come along with current software, such as “Pinball” or “Minesweeper,” but more complete games with 8-hr story play. Storage can hold more and you will not receive constant messages on a new computer about Maximum Storage Capacity reached. “Bill Pay” will take you to verified safe icons of all that is payable through a very secure server. The main goal of this software is to change how the screen appears and how It works. You have a very broad possibility of all that is occurring on the computer screen, yet each computer is functionally the same old, same old thing, and I see as not created to a full potential. I want this type of software to be more useful as in, educational, as in you will experience and learn things that are truly important. I want the display to be useful and storage to be vast. For example, Your saved Database articles or pages will appear in large Icon on the home screen for viewability at any time. All books you store on your laptop will appear under a large icon to be viewable at any time. Organization abilities broadened to make a cleaner, crisper, smarter computer, that is nothing alike HP or Mac or Outlook, but something truly unique without the burden of Internet Explorer, MSN’s unimportant news, spam by people all over the world that you don’t know, but then still 100% capable of the necessities of owning a computer…. To pay bills, download data, create and find charts, chat, and all that is required. An art galary?

An Idea for Digital Artwork – A fan Video digitally illustrated to “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”

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theindependentjournals · 5 years

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BUNNY & DUCKY

BUNNY

SUN- PISCES 20

A perfect black cube sits lone in the desert.

Isolation. Uniqueness that becomes separative and self-referential. Exquisitely designed to be only a certain way and not any other way. Preserved against rust or corrosion. Maintaining standards, priorities, what seems to be the given. Yet something is wrong. It is true that all lies within and that turning yourself into what you are not is ultimately absurd. But you are not listening, not paying attention to the subtle clues. You are so intent upon self-consistency that you have tuned out far too much in the process. And this shall call forth lessons and hard experiences to crack you open again, and to give you a chance to discover afresh what can be when nothing is assumed and nobody has set anything up ahead of time.

MOON - LEO 1

A divorced husband and wife enjoying each other’s company.

The little ego desires what it does not desire, needs what it does not need. It goes after most avidly what it later finds is so very different from what would be good to have. But then things turn again and even the most unconscious patterns reveal their redemptive glory. It all depends on where you are along the spectrum: the initial expansion, the inevitable contraction to follow, or the tempered and seasoned expansion later. In the middle point, it can be hell. But things start out so amazingly and they end up as such a gold mine of experience and self-understanding from all this. Much of life is midstream and involves meeting shadows, enduring reversals, and basically being forced to go absolutely everywhere you never wanted to go. The reason it comes out right in the end is that you move through all of it and discover there is somebody in here who knows how to do that and who remains unscarred, not even discouraged, and is just waiting for the next opening to take up the Earth’s schooling in the way that fiery souls invite and welcome, strangely enough.

AQUARIUS 23

Ancient runes carved at random on gray rocks.

Learning ultimate things the hard way. You have to put yourself totally into every realm to experience it for yourself, with a zeal for empirical wisdom or the wild edge of the scientific method. The experimental test case is yourself. And you are out there all alone in vast, uncharted territory, just the way you like it. You’ve been granted the chance to prove things, to follow them out quite far, bearing a determined intelligence with karmically-trained faculties of subtle perception. However, objectively speaking, this is an intensively arduous and relentless way to do it, without safeguards or precedents, relying upon the moment’s edge. If you can be tirelessly strong, doing it this ruggedly will prove to be the only way to go if you wish to uncover future territory without imprinting bias or distortion upon it. You just have to invent the wheel in yet another dimension.

ARIES 17

A bodiless head asleep on the beach.

Cast into exile, sworn to silence. Held to an ancient code to be a watcher, a perfect witness to the inward reverberations of all things. Outward events and experiences are gone, mean nothing here. All that counts is to sense into things, to remember the essence and to know the forgotten worlds. It is a lonely vigil, a strange destiny, with a piquant flavor of sorrow mixed with exultation. What others are happy with is far out of reach, unimaginable. Yet what so many others miss and are put off from is here vividly, vibrantly indwelled every moment, which sweetens the bitter cup and allows the greater task to be taken up with a surrendered will and a quiet, inward repose.

AQUARIUS 24

A large brown bear picking and eating apples.

Gross indulgence and a conscience that just won’t quit. Saturating your energy field with exaggerated gestures of capitulation to your own lower nature. But you do this in continual ironic juxtaposition to an observing intelligence and a keen conscience which deplore and have no use for your own shenanigans. Being split between the compulsive and addictive personality and the dispassionate and icily-removed consciousness. You’re trying to turn yourself around by alternately bingeing and reforming. But each binge triggers a reaction of the other side of mind, and each renunciation and reformation in turns triggers a further reaction. This dialectic between being bad and being good is all on the pro and con level of the dualistic mind. The only hope in this pattern lies in wearing out both ends, so that a third place can open in which neither acting out nor becoming exemplary is all that necessary. You do what you do and you see it the way you see it and all the self-conscious overlays and each and every self-manipulation in whatever direction dissolve when the space is clear.

LEO 28

Men doing gymnastics.

Physical, material existence in a sturdy body in time and space is the greatest agony and the greatest ecstasy that could ever be. It is agony in that you are so weighed down by the gravity of things, sorely troubled, heavily impacted, just about immobilized. It is ecstasy in that you can do so much with it, and when you mobilize yourself to take hold of the body and wield it as an instrument and a vessel, the physical turns into a masterpiece, a wonder, a delight unsurpassed. You experience the heights and depths of ambivalence toward incarnation and embodiment, feeling both repelled and attracted by the core drama of life in this Earth. When you feel good, everything glows with promise. When your life-force ebbs and becomes stagnant, the world is saturated with abysmal dread. Learn to harness embodied selfhood into something more constant and satisfying, even with repeated bouts of coming up against resistance, and habit dying hard. Rigidity versus fluency. You have a creative dilemma with so much growth, outlasting your own inner enemies and becoming Earth-worthy in the physical—triumphantly and with lasting imprint.

ARIES 12

An old woman hears the stars talking to her at night.

Soul gifts from the morning of the world now turning into treasures untold. A quality of being, a presence, an aura which fills the world. You are the microcosm here and now for so many worlds. There is wonder and awe, discovery and an odd echo of fate. All of this has happened before; nothing is new. A twilight state. The repeated awakenings, and yet still dreaming on. Majestic vistas. So much to conceive. All exists inside. Yet in the secrecy of the heart, no clues are offered. All remains bare and stark.

VIRGO 27

The magician disrobes. He has no sex organs.

We bear a dream within us. In that dream, we can magically disperse every partisan consideration and make the truth a commonsensically shareable thing. We endow that dream with more of ourselves than any outwardly existing realities. Slowly we foster its seeds. There just must be a way to find the common point, to no longer be jerked around by gender politics and all the other antibrotherhood, antisisterhood currents. So we endow the dream with our heart’s aspirations, and when we give our all to it, the dream comes true. But until that point, we are worlds apart from others in harboring the dream of our coming reunion with everybody.

SCORPIO 26

A she-wolf. Her udders full of milk.

Bearing within you something vast and wild and true. Your instincts given over to this seed. What can be must be impels sacrifice and renunciation. Being held in the grip of vast, primordial forces. Taken over by depths that forge new worlds into being. Stunned into submission. Unconsciously obsessed with something that lives within you and cannot be forgotten. Supercharged with energy. In tune with the Earth’s cycles. Everything happening in a magnified and hypnotic atmosphere. The hidden worlds take charge. Individuality is eclipsed, and the surge of power dominates consciousness and life by its intensity and ruthless current right through the body, and there is nothing to say about it.

VIRGO 21

Dark river and distant bell.

So much to be done. So many fragments to move with. Such a confounding. The one inside is calm and quiet, poised and accepting, knows what shall be. The one outside is frantic with events and experiences which do not add up. Severe conditions to test the soul and give the mind quite a scare. The process is to keep going into it a little further, despite yourself, and to keep losing who you thought you were in the bargain. But there is somebody to be when there is nobody left to be, and only then.

PISCES 28

A hoard of monkeys chattering.

Possession by local spirits in mischievous, playful fashion. Cast into an abyss. Dumped out of status and specialness and made to be hyper-receptive to whatever is moving here—an abandoned center, karmically sacrificed to learn both humility and the lessons of the street. The state of mind random, chaotic, inspirational, capricious, given to every kind of spirit passing through. Sorely troubled, yet fantastically out of touch. A regressive loop with powerful emanations. The feeling is that something must be done and that this will require a change of heart. But you gotta go deep, and it takes a whole lot of desperation to turn this one around.

ARIES 20

An empty courtyard.

Nothing is left. Reality is scattered. Self-obliterated. The familiar rendered irrelevant. Apocalyptic changes, personal and collective, take over. No being, only action. You become a projectile of intent, literally identify with what you can do now. A barren wasteland of an inner world. A thrust outside. Stark and surreal. You feel compelled to dare, pushed over the edge, no going back—destiny as frenzy. And in this wild, volatile mix, creative forces are released that would never come out any other way. Yielding to the role of the purging and cleansing agent of changes, you are unable to wriggle out of anything ever again.

DUCKY

LEO 29

A broken sword.

Consecration to a higher power. The giving-over of the personal will--the marvel of root change. Coming to the end of your own path, and it is just the beginning of the greater way. The heart must open. The infinite must be born inside. The destiny-necessity is there--so much karmic backlog. So many ways to be right and to be wrong. The realization in the very midst that there is nobody listening to the old tale and everybody is awaiting somebody else to come through. A profound and utter doorway into a great unknown. What has been is finished. What shall be is so very different. And what is now is a question and a prayer and a destiny that must find its redemption.

PISCES 10

An old witch on a windy promontory. She is calling to the sea.

Wildly tuned in. Staggeringly aware of the overall situation and its call, you respond deeply and with earnest, plaintive engagement with all that is happening. You are profoundly emotional, physical, and personal in order to ground and focus a vaster attunement, urgently and critically mobilized at hot spots. Assigned to tune in to everything and make sure all the cosmic bases are covered--inner-planes activity predominates. You live within vast worlds, and are psychically charged with all that is being taken in, but your central focus is to respond, to report, to send the inner messages, to keep the lines open. Emergency and crisis sensibility inside of things, searching for signs, and knowing how to be there on the spot to turn things around by inward force of the magical will.

VIRGO 8

A man thinking up names for colors.

The mind is a hilarious thing. It populates the world with its many ideas on top of what is there and then can no longer see things in themselves in their pristine light. We trade direct experience for a culturally rich consciousness. This mental set is marvelously intricate and detailed. Becoming conversant with the human sphere takes up all your time and energy, drawing you ever further into complexity, multiplicity, and appreciation for the beauty and the brilliance of the best in culture and civilization. The refinements and elaborations are infinite in scope. You become an expert, a central force, an adept in working the mind's magic. In the largest picture, this is a perfecting of human intelligence in its concrete, penetrating power, combined with its far-ranging spread into variety and universal brotherhood. It remains narrow-spectrum, rational throughout, but does this up the best it can be done and a little bit better.

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