theinexorableblackstudent-blog - Tumblr blog

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[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

Past Due.

Done having a pity party over that stupid quiz today. Time to have a study party

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

Missing.

Good Evening Tumblr, 

I’ve been missing, and not personality wise like last summer. Somewhat missing in being there for myself. I didn’t realize how much it took for me to love myself sophomore year. Now that I’m at my end goal, I just haven’t been supporting myself. It’s time that ends. 

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

@nettethenaillady

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

insignificant

I’m an insignificant little dot at this school. No one has morals, and no one cares. I’m hurting at the pragmatism. I’m hurting because of my friends, that hurt me today. More than anything, I don’t even want to move. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. My grades are good, but I still feel like shit. I’m not happy at all. I’m trying to think positive but i can’t. I’m sick, I’m angry, I’m disappointed. I need to find true christian friends this summer from cru. Because whoever I’m hanging with now? is only making me feel worse. I wanted to party, I wanted to celebrate, but my friends didn’t even answer my calls or text. That hurts, once again. & my “homegirl” told me she was going to a day party, and was happy not to invite me. You know what? Fuck those people. I’m starting to feel like I have no one at this school, even when I reached out to laura. I was just offering to smoke and talk, she cut me off, and declined. Is something wrong with me?Why can’t I keep friends. .Why am I so alone. perhaps, it’s meant to be that way. perhaps, this is the only way I’ll score high on my mcat.

 perhaps, I need to focus on me. 

Not a cat. 

Not a man. 

Just me. 

It hurts to come to that realization, but it’s the truth. 

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

Study Bluez

Every time I go to study, I get so angry because I wouldn’t have to push myself this hard. .if I had done well when I came back to southern LIKE I PLANNED. I got an entire fresh start, and was able to learn information on an easier level. My ex was just so traumatizing, that sometimes I wouldn’t have the brain capacity to think. I’m talking, being waken up to someone crying hysterically. It’s gross to think about how much stress he put on my life. He was the absolute worst person, and what made it worse? Is was that I allowed him to stay. My beautiful ass thought that loving him, and being with him and being stressed was better than being alone. BUT YALL. . .I’ve been KILLING this alone shit! Even when I see my friends at events they didn’t invite me to? I stay happy. I stay positive. Nothing’s wrong with keeping your head up, when you’re not invited. I’m not a creative. I made that very clear, so it would make sense that I wouldn’t be invited to an event like that. But I’m grateful that Matt gave me the opportunity to come. That was nice of him, I just. . am not a social butterfly lol. Hanging out with Tray was FUN AFFFFF. No pressure, no arguments, just a beautiful person to be around. I like it. He doesn’t move too fast, and isn’t attached to my hip like Jarrod. I appreciate that SOOOO much. Thank you God, for putting him in my life when i was being picky before. He’s army, stable, has a nice apartment, car, money, personality I feel like I hit a jackpot lol. Now I have something to study for, and look forward to! We actually worked out together, and didn’t obsess over schedules when things didn’t work out. He’s great. But I have to keep my options open, I want to make sure that I know what I like before getting into anything serious again. Jacob only taught me what love isn’t. However, I’m starting to see from the people . who surround me? What Love is. I’m content with that. I’m content with letting these people graduate too. I’m ready to have some room for myself at this school. I can only pray for the best, and not be sensitive until then! I just don’t know how to be a consistent friend, when I need my space. .but there’s nothing wrong with that. Whenever I reach out? they’re down. they’ve never rejected me. Those are my friends, they just know I don’t go to events like that. I can’t be sensitive.  Maybe the more I tell myself that? The better I will feel! & it is true, I just have to start believing it. 

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

100 DAYS OF PRODUCTIVITY [35/100] - Game of Reading 22.4.19

I started off the day by watching the new episode of Game of Thrones. I then cleaned my room and decided to take a trip down memory lane and read through my old year 11 (2016) Human biology notes. My plans for the rest of the day include reading, reading, more reading, and Norwegian on Duolingo!

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

Used.

I will never be Used again...not by a male or female friend. 

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

If you need…

Rest and recuperation:

- take a nap

- sit in the warm sunshine

- cuddle a pet

- take a bath

- go to bed early

- meditate

- forget all the yoga and just lie in corpse pose for however long you need

Self love:

- put on body lotion

- change your clothes into something more comfortable

- wash your hair

- light some candles

- write a love letter to yourself

- list 10 good things about yourself

Reminiscence and nostalgia:

- watch a childhood classic on TV

- clean your room: make it cozy and safe

- care for yourself the way your guardians would when you were a sick child

- do a small task or hobby that you used to love - listen to old music

- play a game from your past

Energy:

- eat a healthy meal

- put on some upbeat music

- drink ice cold water

- change into clothes that make you feel good but aren’t pyjamas

- go for a walk

- challenge yourself to do the things you want to do and reward yourself after

Companionship:

- get in touch with a friend

- go to a public place, like a coffee shop

- say hello to a stranger

- call your mum

- message a long lost friend

- arrange to meet someone you love

- join online groups of people with similar interests

Health:

- do some light exercise

- drink a glass of water

- do some yoga or stretches

- go to bed early

- take a short walk or jog

- eat something healthy and tasty

- clean your home

To express yourself:

- write about how your feelings

- dance to your favourite music

- sing

- put on makeup

- paint or draw

- bullet journal

- write a story, some poetry or a diary entry

- change your hairstyle

Comfort:

- drink something warm

- go somewhere you feel safe

- spend time with safe, loving people

- watch a lovely tv show or movie

- get under some blankets

- if it’s cold, sit by a fire

- cuddle someone or something

- give yourself a little hug

self checks are a very important part of self-care and good mental health! make sure you check up on yourself and do things that help you when you don’t feel so good.

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

Tired.

I got out of an extremely toxic relationship, where I was put on a schedule (long distance). Whenever either of us had free time, we made blocks where we had to talk. I was forced to have conversations with a person who was barely listening to me. After I flew down, I was forced to have sex even when I didn’t want to. When I transferred here, I never got alone time. .unless it was forced. Meaning that, he would give me his car to guarantee that I 1. relied on him and 2. so that he always knew where I was. I didn’t hang out with my bestfriend, and I was living with him. I was consistently smothered by one person. So much to the point that I am 22 years old, and I’m still finding myself. I don’t know my favorite color anymore, I haven’t been able to find things that make me happy other than smoking. I had time taken away from me, for an entire year. I’m still trying to create a schedule for myself, and find time to do what I want to do. Find out the things I love. i was a completely different person before I entered that year of my life. I worked out, everyday, and maintained consistency in my life when it came to my free time. I don’t mind facetiming or talking on the phone when we aren’t together. But I don’t want to make a habit out of being around someone everyday. I don’t want to have my day controlled by ANYONE anymore. So I like you, and like spending time. But I really do need my space. I’m going through a lot, and sometimes I need to write to cope, workout, I’m just trying to find myself again. And I can’t do that with another person here.

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

preach

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

Wearing off.

The boy I talk to is so sweet, but it’s wearing off. I’m getting tired, because I can see through the bullshit. I want something real, something that makes me stay up all night thinking of the person. I like being called “hot”, but what about me? Why is no one able to truly crack me? Why have I cut off the closest people to me, for simply not understanding me? It hurts, but it’s wearing off. .I just want to wake up, and feel the presence of God again. I don’t know how I managed to lose that close connection this year, but I need it. .more than anything. 

Temporary Happiness is slowly fading, and I know that my God is permanent.

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

Catch Up.

Hey y’all, I made a 75 on my cell bio exam and I’m honestly blessed that I didn’t bomb that hard ass exam. My professor really be on some psychotic weird shit, I hate it smh. I’m going to try to keep playing nice, but he is TESTING me y’all. I really hope he gets it together soon, and I really hope I can make a 100 like Joe on an exam. I want to be above the standard, and I want to challenge myself. However that means practicing, and reading more so that professor cannot trip me up on narrow concise subjects. I see exactly how he’s moving, now I have to adjust. Catching Up.

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

I woke up like this

I couldn’t go to the basketball game, because the line was too long :( . So that means getting high with my old roommate, it sounds cool but I wanted to be out lol. 

[theinexorableblackstudent-blog]

IT IS STILL POSSIBLE FOR ME TO GET AN A IN ALL OF THE REST OF MY CLASSES

Let’s make that clear. Now is NOT the time to give up, now is the time to push even harder. YES I CAN. cell&molec 85. bioinformatics 87 ochem2 88 econ 64. I should probably drop econ, and just take it in the spring of my senior year. I don’t need to dedicate ALL my energy into pulling up to bad grades. lol those would be my math-based courses too! I’ll get it together. BYE BYE ECON