thekohlsmoulder

[thekohlsmoulder]

01.31.24

Entirely unhinged.

Feels like Im losing my marbles. Ive lost myself in a bottle of wine.

Itching. Aching and breaking With flashes of clarity.

This cant be right.

Is this the bit where things fall apart so better things can fall together?

This cant be right.

The quiet moments move so quickly.

Heart racing. Vivid dreams. Nothing makes sense.

[thekohlsmoulder]

NGC 2359 Thor's Helmet ©

[thekohlsmoulder]

Diana Ross finishing a rib, 1980s

[thekohlsmoulder]

11.04.24

Fuck I miss you. I miss every single thing about you.

The way your locs leave grease stains on my satin pillowcase The dust you leave behind in the shower

I miss the way you're both soft and strong Your arms wrap around me fully

You feed me. Youre so nurturing.

You let me rest. You hold me up.

You make me laugh and I love your smile. I love to watch you in your element.

I miss how eager and willing you are to please me. I long to give you pleasure.

You give the best cuddles and suck all the fresh air out of the room. I love how hot you make me.

Literally how hot you make me. When we both sweat, all else melts away

I drip onto the sheets. Our essence melds together

I miss you I miss you I really wanna kiss you But I caint.

[thekohlsmoulder]

Butterfly Nebula

The Butterfly Nebula, also known as NGC 6302, is a planetary nebula located in the constellation Scorpius.

It is named for its striking appearance, which resembles the wings of a butterfly when viewed in certain images.

The nebula is approximately 3,800 light-years away from Earth.

Credits: NASA, ESA, and J. Kastner (RIT)

[thekohlsmoulder]

[thekohlsmoulder]

Pillars of Creation

The Pillars of Creation is a famous region within the Eagle Nebula (M16), located about 6,500 light-years away from Earth in the constellation Serpens.

The name "Pillars of Creation" refers to the towering columns of gas and dust that are part of this stellar nursery, where new stars are being born.

Credits: NASA, ESA, and the Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA)

[thekohlsmoulder]

10.30.24

2:30am

My comfortable life has made me weary. Is that strange? Don't people tend to have comfortable as an end goal? If comfortable was mine, then i see why I feel the way I do. This cant be the end. Not yet. Ive barely scratched the surface.

If I have many more layers and adventures to wander, why have i ceased to explore them?

This routine of mine is that of someone who no longer has their eyes on a prize. I needed to escape. Perfect timing.

The last time i hated the life id created, was living in chicago with my ex. He lived with me. I busted my ass at Henry's & DSW, all while hoping and praying to book some sort of modeling gig. We had a routine, hed pick me up from work most nights, I did the cooking and cleaning. Wed go to the laundromat together, church sometimes on Sundays and then spend time with each other. No phones. Unplugged from socials. It was mandatory.

I hated it.

I knew I was made for more. I knew modeling was my goal and it was time I gave it my last shot. My best shot. I took a chance and it changed the course of my life forever.

The new life that I was creating cost me my old. Literally. It cost my relationship, my security, all my worldly belongings.. And what I got in return was more abundant than I could have even imagined.

Here. I am. Again.

Uncomfortable in my lazy.

So I need more.

Ive positioned myself in this space. St Louis. Home. Where Im the most restless. Hopefully to push me in some sort of direction. Some grand goal, something for me to be brave about...

I have no idea what im doing here.

[thekohlsmoulder]

04.29.24

is it possible to both love yourself and self sabotage

i find it difficult to grasp the concept of an all encompassing love

ive had my moments

moments of self righteous judgement that i have indeed loved yet love for me is ever elusive

i think its safe back here

throwing myself into a people as projects to focus on all i do and can do for them

to dull the hunger pangs

if i do more, and require less then maybe, just maybe ill get enough

although i am truly hungry a bit achey entirely restless to find my person

if i indeed have a person do i have a person?

am i my person?

[thekohlsmoulder]

Star L1527 at the neck of 'orange & blue' hourglass © JWST

[thekohlsmoulder]

Comet Pons Brooks © Fritz Helmet Hemmerich

[thekohlsmoulder]

Aldebaran S

[thekohlsmoulder]

M104, Sombrero Galaxy

[thekohlsmoulder]

11.27.23

Overthinking. Not quite understanding. The more I apply pressure to these parts of my brain - so as to keep my heart alive I suffocate.

There are things I know as true. The ache I feel and longing To receive those things from you

But WE are not US anymore.

I once wished we could have been.

I know not yet how to BE.

There are any infinite numbers of timelines and possibility for me. To live any number or manner of life. But this is the one I find myself on. Unable to quantify the sum of my beliefs. Multiplying the many ways in which I bleed. Publicly. Privately. Entombed in the arms of another. Enveloped. Embraced. Absorbed. A lover. A carer. A vision.

A standard of basic necessity. No longer bare boned. High functioning. Attention deficient.

Easy.

Company. Concern. Compassion. A deep pool beckoning me to take a dip. A drink. To lay my concerns on its banks and bathe. Submerging myself in the cool waters. Freedom to swim. To float. To hear my breath loud in my ears. Reminders that I am alive. I feel. Im present. I ache. Im capable. To rest. The more my mind churns, the more tired I become. No longer treading but dreading - What might happen for me? If for a moment I lose track of whats happening to me.

What If I forget how to swim? What if the water decides it wants to drown me? What if it gets in my eyes and my mouth and I cannot scream for help? What if nobody is around to hear me? What if I no longer feel safe in these arms?

What if I am no longer ME??

11.27.23

[thekohlsmoulder]

Afro Pick Art

[thekohlsmoulder]

Rosette Nebula Credit: Mick Hyde

[thekohlsmoulder]

This. Young star. Colliding.

Exploding.

Becoming.

Today is the first.

Of many days without you.

I only pray my journey -

The arc of debris I leave in my wake.

As I combust.

As I break. As I scream.

Moves mountains.

Forms waves.

Creates space

For what and whom deserves every microscopic piece of me.

Craves and celebrates all that I have become.

And gives just as much energy as I have left in this aching heart.

This young star. Burns on.

09.25.23

Herbig-Haro 211 from Webb: detail of the outflow of a young star, an infantile analogue of our Sun