thelittleboywhoneversleeps - Tumblr blog

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

Am I a pest?

Been watching some new Kdrama this week. There was a girl stuck between two guys one is her ex and the other her old love interest (Which now is her new love intrest). In that show, I saw that the ex still wanted to pursue her... it made him look so ugly... like he was desperate...

Of course to the girls eyes... he too looked ugly... Like desperate and no one was rooting for him. Am I like the pest ex? Who did not want to leave her alone? I hate the way I look if that was me in that lense...

I get so cautious of how I look nowadays... I get worried that people will get me wrong (Maybe because of my corporate training?)... Which is why i think that I am undeserving... Its so hard being a human sometimes... Sometimes I just downplay my emotions... worried that by acting genuine (Well at least when people ask me how im feeling)... people will see my flaws....

My self cautiousness is acting up again.... I just need to keep my image up.... ignore the feelings my heart feels.... just laugh it off....

Its just so instinctual that I would just laugh and make a joke of my own emotions when im outside... Maybe it will cover up some of the sadness I might still have within me... This is a burden I can't share with people... just carry it on my own.

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

Grave of the Fireflies ( a Studio Ghibli inspired post)

I just re-watched grave of the fireflies, it reminds me of hardship of wartimes, what my grandparents had to go through. I will not take opportunities i get for granted. I will need to work hard and continue paving a path for myself.

It is a story of how we take for granted the simple things in life. During hard times, people take advantage of you to survive too. But we should never falter. I work hard to bless the people around me and for those who accept my work.

If working is all i can give to society and to life... I will continue to do that. Maybe i am not good at other things after all. I always wanted to find someone to live my life with but it seems I can't trust someone with my feelings nowadays. I worry i get hurt or people might take advantage of me. That just means I am not ready to be in a relationship.

So I swallow them up, I never dare ask someone to share my life with them. I never dare assume they would do anything back for me. I try to take it with a level head a practical one. But what is a relationship when I can accept anything or be so flexible towards someone. Does that make me a push over? or no backbone? I don't want to be a weak guy.... but at the same time I don't want to be demanding...

Maybe love is like what people say. You feel both stronger and weaker at the same time. That is what Yuka made me feel. To feel weak around her... but also feeling stronger when she was with me (and when I wanted to prove my love to her) ... But I swallowed a shooting star to replace my heart. My heart now will do the hard work by pushing me forward, a heavy mess being called scary and alone in a wasteland. There will be monsters which will bar my path which i must defeat. Maybe... one day... a soul shall call out my name, turn my life upside down... She might this she is ugly in her own eyes but beautiful in mine.

Maybe in that story: We will live an enchanting life together... Full of new adventures and experiences. But I need to earn that and I still am trying my best to earn that. I still need to prove to myself that I am worthy of love. I still don't feel that way about myself.

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

I'm moving next week! My mother told me she will miss me since I will be moving away now.. This year is a year of change for her many things will be happening ! I just hope that she will find the strength to continue fighting on and doing important things to help herself.

I too will be growing again in a new place. I look forward to my own space, life and responsibilities. I hope this role brings me peace.

There are things which I will never tell anyone or are kept between Yuyu and I which I will never tell anyone. Maybe like how now I still write about her... how much I want her to be happy.. my feelings for her entirely. All I can do is just move on with my life silently ... I have learnt how to enjoy times being alone ... maybe that is why I am looking forward to moving into my 1 bedroom studio. I want to finally live a life that maybe Yuyu will be proud of me for... my heart still aches sometimes randomly when I think of it... recently a little more than ever. But it's okay... I just need to throw it aside and focus on life ... even if it's without love.

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

I am moving this month... no looking back now these next two months will be critical. I need to find a permanent space next week also travelling to Thailand and Singapore to and frow a few times.

I cant help but still have wishfull thinking you are okay. I hope that your life has been a blast these few years and you are chasing your dreams! I know I still am ... trying to go as far in life as possible. Never giving up on being financially stable... I want more to make sure that I am in a good position 😌

I never want money to be an issue for my relationship ever again ! So I will work harder ... my jaw hurts once in a while I think because I'm clenching my teeth alot at night due to stress but I need to find a way to relax...

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

It's funny how nowadays, I just take sleeping alone as normal. That nothing changes when it comes to me finding a partner or being in a relationship. On one hand I want to find someone, but on the other ... I fear it ...

What if it does not work? What if I get hurt badly again? Will I recover ?

What does she want from me is it just to take advantage of me ?

I am moving in a few weeks now the end of this phase in life is so close now...

It just reminds me that one day maybe when I lie in my death bed awaiting for death ... I might regret not doing anything in my youth for love...

If I gave up on it will I regret ?

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

Sometimes I think everyone just sees through me. Am I just working hard for myself for no reason? Always no ones choice, and if I do get picked I feel like I give too much too fast then loose my marbles after they are just not interested in me anymore.

Maybe I do have red flags .... maybe I am anoyying ? Maybe I am trying too hard to be perfect... maybe I just don't know what I'm doing anymore !!! 😕 sigh ... sometimes I get upset that I am so confused with what girls want out of me ...

Can't be too perfect. Can't be too nice. Can't be too cold. Can't be too clingy. Can't express myself and talk about a problem (else, I am too emotional). Can't have big dreams and work towards it (else, I am too materialistic). Can't take care of myself too much (else, I am vain or "extra"). Can't chase to show commitment (else, I am a stalker) Can't solve a problem and be helpful ( cause that's mansplaining and that your not listening). Can't be too quiet and listen ( cause, that just means you don't have an opinion and shows a weak personality).

Whatever the situation I am in, I loose. So I stay silent.... I stay emotionally robbed. I dont know what a woman wants in a man anymore. I dont know what a partner means to them anymore.

But, I know what it means to me ... It's about being able to be yourself and accepting who you are. With no drama, no complications and allowing me to show love and express it. If I can't show love, she might think I am just being uncaring, balance is so hard to find ...

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

39 days more before I leave permanently...

I'm going on an adventure on my own again ...

For the past 5 years it used to be my flying places visiting them get the job done then come home...

But now...

I will be leaving for good ...

I dont know what lies ahead... I can only wonder the things in front ... I bring with me my belongings and items that bring me peace ... Bought my one way ticket.. no turning back.

I bring nothing but hope I carry with me ... in my heart a hope for a new life.. one I can be close to my friends ... and new people I will meet ... I will not forget the way you made me feel ...

The love I got from you ... the loss when you left.. This just reminds me I do have the capacity to love someone ... I lost it for a while... maybe lost the feeling because I detached it from myself ... maybe it's okay to love again? I don't know who ... or what ... but I know the biggest hurdle I will face is rejection ...

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

6 more weeks till I move ... things need to get rolling soon ! Moving house is quite painful so many things to pack and unpack ... hopefully I will be able to find my forever home soon ~! Working hard towards getting my own place hehe ..

It will be my sanctuary where I keep all my cute stuff I have collected through the years!

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

Even if I am not allowed to love you anymore... I have concluded that I am happy you are the beginning of my greatness. My drive to push myself to succeed more ! I need to keep my light bright for my future!

I wont stop and live that dream for us ! Maybe one day I will be able to make you happy for me. Help you find peace that I am doing well... without complaining ...

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

I am moving away to Singapore soon in 7 weeks... going to try and live a new life... maybe you will be proud of me ... maybe you might hate me for it ... I wish I knew what you are thinking of now ... I wish I knew what was going on in your life...

But I know that is a luxury that people you care about are blessed enough to know. So ... as I retreat further and further into a secluded life ... I have learnt to be okay being alone ... I dont like it but maybe I don't deserve it ... I should just focus on my career...

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

“I wish you are so happy right now that you have forgotten the pain I inflicted on you. I really want you to be happy and have an amazing life!”

“You will know that you are with the right one if he can wash your pain away and give you a good life. That was all I wanted for you.”

I send these wishes to you always from afar….

I get so worried sometimes I can’t give anyone much when it comes to love… so I try extra hard….

I am working so hard to love myself sometimes …

But I don’t fear the lonely nights so much anymore.

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

I'm feeling better now... project work is tough but I know I will try to find a way. I have been living alone for so long ... now I'm going to go to be even more secluded now ! At least I have found something that will keep me busy 🙂

Thankfully art is healing and I am glad that I have found something I really enjoy as I journal.

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

Feeling so sick tonight... must be all the stress I have been under managing a project almost independently for a long time. When I move to singapore ... I will be leaving people helping me when I am sick... I will go back to my room ... alone most likely...

But I cant be fearful anymore . . . I just need to prove to myself that I can be alone and independent. Even if I fall sick and feel like shit... my head hurts and it's spinning ... I wont ask for help ... I will just shut my eyes and try to get some sleep... at least I am clean...

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

I dreamt of you last night. I was in my grandparents house when suddenly you walked by behind my back... a flash of fear overcame me.... you walked past again... I bowed to you and said I'm sorry...

You just walked past me again... ignoring me as though I didn't exist....

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

There was a moment in time where I would have said things to make you stay...

All the words begging you not to go and never let go from my life..

But I know that it was selfish of me and needy of me ...

So I apologise over and over again in my head...

Fearing to say that I love you so...

Because of the way you might look at me in pity or disgust from my desperate self...

How far have I fallen into this pit of darkness... my emotional self writhing in pain like an endless vortex of pain.

Not wanting to be touched, and fearing to love again..

I keep denying myself that bravery to want to hold a heart again...

It is silly to feel this way they tell me ...

It is crazy to want to stay this way...

But it's all I knew from that day you stayed away from me was the day my heart died....

I never blamed you for the way I feel now because these feelings are of my own making...

I am just ashamed of myself for hurting a person I cared about so much..

For her to say stay away and when you told me: " Your scaring me. You sound like a stalker."

From that day I have been silenced, stayed away from people and am fearful to get close to people..

That childlike love has vanished...

All I can say is I can never look at love the same way.

Is this called maturity? Is this the way you saw me ...

I don't know the answer..

I know I will vanish one day and when I do I wonder what you would think of me then...

Even now when I am writing this I dreamt I was crying .. I was singing a song to mourn the loss of you .. I dont sing anymore because the soul has died... the songs just turn out to be dead tones ... When I wanted to coexist and make you the happiest, I made you sad instead and hate me. That is my biggest failure as a human being.

I stop thinking of love and will fight for survival instead...

I dont need anyone to make me happy...

I will fight for me...

I will defend myself from emotional hurt and take responsibility of my emotions.

I will not be hurt so easily anymore....

I will not be vulnerable and soft and stupid anymore.

I have learnt to love myself. Not waiting for others to love me back. I will be free and I will not let setbacks be the end of me ...

I wont be a looser that keeps crying.

I will rise up and cease the day !

I want to be stronger to protect the people who choose to stay in my life !

Stronger, Faster, More emotionally mature and financially stable !

Suffer for a reason and purpose !

If people don't want the warmth of the sun from me, then I shall be cold like a winter's night cutting through all my obstacles alone and unafraid..

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

I dont know what memories you will have when u think of me. But I will always remember you as;

Someone I loved and admired,

Someone that I cared for and wanted a future with,

Someone that I was concerned about for her wellbeing,

Someone I wanted to protect,

Someone that I loved more than myself,

Someone that I would have loved to have kept longer.

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

My eyes can't close ... once I wake .. the first thing I think of is if you are okay. Maybe thinking of you allows me to send these good feelings to you Yuyu.

Whenever you need a pick me up. I hope that someone will always be there for you. To make your day and make you smile in those dull moments.

Make you think of beautiful things everyday and love life. I always wanted the best for you.