thelostdisaster82

[thelostdisaster82]

I fucking hate hate hate hate this man! U can put ur coat over a mud puddle for him and hold the umbrella over his head to keep the rain off him and he would find a way to make me feel like it’s my fault it’s fucking raining! Why?! Lord freaking help me!

[thelostdisaster82]

So once again ……

It all makes sense! From the white sand in my bed and only my side of the bed sheets comforter and mattress and pillows all wet the water next to the bed every time I get up in the middle of the night. My neighbor who knows a bunch of useless knowledge or at least pretends he does,. To me when they get talking I tone them out but for some reason there are few things my brain remembers….

1.“dry drowning.”

(When this airway closure happens and no water goes into your lungs, that’s technically dry drowning, explains Dr. Milk. “The injury happens from a lack of air and asphyxiation.”)

2. reflex called a laryngeal spasm.

3. Pulmonary edema

(causes you to have trouble breathing or experience frightening sensations like shortness of breath and chest tightness. “Liquid, or fluid, is actually in your airway,” he continues. “You’re kind of drowning in your own fluid, even though you’re not in the water.”)

4. Heavy, persistent coughing.

Shortness of breath or trouble breathing.

Fever

Dry mouth or foaming at mouth

Skin discoloration

So my neighbor old roommate was at his house grant u we haven’t seen her in few months since we had falling out bcuz I’m pretty sure she was screwing my husband . I called her out on it and she quit coming around or speaking to us. Or me at least I thought.

When we went over there she pops off with

Drowning would be a shitty way to die. I mean u just can’t breathe screw that. … i mean the cops done took my truck spray it down looking for blood on it couldn’t pin shit on us anyhow so fuck it!

My husband like ya hahaha

My neighbor says right then …

My neighbor starts going on about pulmonary edema Heavy, persistent coughing. Shortness of breath… their lungs fill up and they just quit breathing. Your lungs stop functioning correctly.

Idk wth the whole conversation ever came from bout drowning or anything and I was just completely flabbergasted.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks today.

My husband always telling me he gonna kill me and make it look like accident.

This would be exactly that. Im not a smoker yet when I walk from bedroom to bathroom im outta breathe my skin color has been off kinda grayish white and I feel like I’ve got something stuck in my throat all the time and I can’t seem to drink enough and Always have extremely dry mouth. Fevers on and off and the absolutely worst headache of my life and my legs and stomach and face are swollen.

The sad part is I just don’t fucking understand why someone who has done absolutely everything I could possibly do for him and yet he would want to hurt me like that? Craziness! It breaks my whole heart. Why would he do that to me? I know the other two people are fucked up sick twisted mf who I still ain’t scared of. Any man that has to sleep with pistol on his chest has some pretty fucked up demons and he says he shoots when they run well coward if ur gonna shoot me ur gonna look at me when u do it cuz I am not afraid to die….do me a favor but knowing the person u love would devise a plan like that? And as far as the fat bitch….I thought u was my friend but all u are is left overs has beens …with bleached out crotch panties….leave that shit at ur own house oh that’s right ……u don’t have one u lost it! I used to feel sorry for u but now I know why ur best friend friend fucked ur bf it’s called karma for doing the same to someone who didn’t even know ur ass yet I made ur bf look like bitch n took ur truck back left him on side of gas station looking like Edna bcuz u had to move out and he had taken ur truck. But it’s all good ! U will always be third wheel in ur threesomes…mf laugh at u bout ur sad notes u wrote them bout being third wheel … but my own husband to stoop down to this is beyond me. Gag is up Check mate mfs u lose….I’ll always be smarter than u! Not to mention I am Not a Holy person but I’m perfectly protected by my God! So kick rocks and eat fish heads…if something happens to me they know where to go!

[thelostdisaster82]

I’ve given u everything….for what? To be a fucking nothing to u or these kids? Not cool and not right! Lord I pray to help me find away outta here with some if any bit of my sanity left bcuz idk how much mor I can take b4 I just jump off that cliff that I’m standing at the edge of. Help me find me help me know that I’m not nuts help me forgive them bcuz being this angry isn’t healthy I need to be loved to be wanted to feel like I’m worth something and right now all I feel is tears that fill my eyes but are afraid to fall. Weakness that shows I need to be able to be weak to cry to scream to hit a pillow to weep to be held to know it’s not me it’s them I m really a good person with a huge heart and I deserve to be loved

[thelostdisaster82]

If a man would live in a man who is in the military house with that man’s wife …that man’s thought to be kids as if it was somehow acceptable. Sneaking n lying to a innocent person who probably at one time was a really good person to find out not only his wife was cheating but the children he has begun to raise weren’t in fact even his! And wonder why on earth I would ever think u would do the same thing to me? Just bcuz I’ve raised ur children 12 doesn’t mean crap while she ran around popping kids out how many 14-16 now I lost count…..shooting up H and whatever else she could get her hands on…hasn’t been here one holiday or birthday or school activity for 12 years….yet do I believe u have her in my house..yes why? Bcuz I aim no one to u . Ur actions speak louder than any words could possibly say! U say u love me but I’m all reality u don’t…u just use me till there nothing more I can given I’ve bent over backwards to make these children good kids respectable adults and to keep u outta prison to make this house n everything in it home! But it hasn’t been home for year now. Random womens nasty crotches panties and stretched out bras I’ve continuously finding. Knowing they’re not mine or my girls ..hell not even his sister or moms….No one’s I even would know…but in my heart I know! What kind of person forgives a woman who walked away fm her kids to get high…while pregnant by the dealer baby still using…finally gets clean 6 months and went to prison should have came to look for her babies instead stacked her link card for 6 months to trade for some beans! Sickening honestly…how do u tell ur children they have 14-16 brothers n sisters out there all born addicted to H? How do u tell them that they were the lucky 3 that found a forever home and have always been loved! Somethings u just can’t say…i would have taken all of them thru Dcfs but u refused didn’t want to raise someone else’s kid…but how big of a good were u? No matter what they were part of ur kids..they were just babies…never asked to come into this world let alone addicted and unloved! i do not understand people let alone people like u….at one time I thought u we’re different u were wonderful but u r a spoiled selfish individual. 12 years of mental abuse …physical and just the tormented bullshit… to the point I got reactive abuse…fight or flight…I choose to fight bcuz I always have to defend myself with u. Physical goes away only hurts for a second but the mental…it lasts forever like a broken record on repeat. U start to doubt urself and if ur even good enough ..somedays I beg to go to bed n never wake up but others seem ok. The manipulation…I’m crazy I need medication I need mental help…after a while u start believing it….how can someone be like that to make people hate themselves. Tell me kids don’t want me here or I’m mean of I’m risk for kids to be around. In all reality…u r and she is! my reactions come from u…no one sees what u say only what I say or do…so then it looks like me. U put me here …all air out of my tires….not a dollar to my name. No family to call . No friends to call. I trust no one. My most meaningful conversations are with my dogs. U allow her to steal from me on a daily. U think I owe u something…yet u won’t tel me what. U forget my bday n holidays and for Mother’s Day while u forget me u remind me to get for the neighbor….my tire needed changed but was an inconvenience for u. The neighbor needed new tire not only did u give her mine u changed it from rim to rim to put on her suv. U open door for others while u slam doors on me. U throw my daughter hating me in my face bcuz I rises these three kids…everything I’ve ever told u ..u used against me. U sold my wedding ring for $20. Or was u the one who stole pawn receipt so u can get out n give to someone else? Why? From day one I did what u told me to help u get kids back and for years during winter I’d work two jobs to carry us cuz u were laid off. I’ve cooked cleaned done laundry took care of dogs and doctor’s appointments and parent teacher conferences. To be called names by ur mom

[thelostdisaster82]

As I pack up 12 years of my life in a home that I thought would be my forever home, I’m not sure if I wanna say fuck it and walk away with what u have already packed or take it all to the yard and light it all on fire! Tears…they begin to come then go away. The lump in my throat is almost too much! How can someone who claims “they love you” or that “they are in love “ with u cause someone so much pain? Love isn’t supposed to hurt yet here I am …I hope those drugs are all that u have left in the end bcuz I dispise the person u have become! Ur no longer someone I want to be around someone ur kids wanna be around or anyone for that matter…u made me become someone I never knew I could be ..someone so cold and full of rage! Tears n years of physical abuse b4 u n I never had this much anger but the mental and physical abuse and the reactive abuse that is my everyday routine bcuz of u….why? Thank u for ruining all of our lives with ur selfishness

[thelostdisaster82]

In a world full of billions and billions of people ..u only get one person that without a doubt u never have to second guess or question anything with that person..it’s as if ur eyes meet and then and there in that moment your souls connect and no matter how far away or how close or if u never speak to them for years

When u see them again…it’s as if NOTHING has changed…and u pick up right where u left off! That person is called “UR PERSON” and nothing or no one can change that soul connection you two have. We both can go marry other people and start new a life but not a second goes by that u don’t think of them. And u catch urself chuckling to urself or u hear a song and when u close ur eyes they are who u see…

Sometimes I think God is spiteful but in all reality he’s not. People and their own selfishness causes the choas in our own lives. Even when u try to make it not be that way it always ends up that way. Right person , wrong time!

[thelostdisaster82]

When I feel like ur on bullshit…9/10 times I am correct and I already know about it before I ask you! So the games you try to play ….is only bcuz I allow u to but if I wanted I could play ur games and take ur pawn but the sad difference is…I’m NOT u nor would I ever wanna stoop down to ur level bcuz I am a better person then that and I don’t get off from hurting those I’m supposed to “LOVE.” But know what u reap u sow and will always come back to you!

[thelostdisaster82]

Your absolutely correct but I believe if love is involved then you get blindsided by what you truly want them to be instead of what they truly are! Maybe I’m ignorant but if I love u I’ll walk to the ends of the world for you and I’ll allow it and allow it until I get past the point of no return and then u will see that I will keep walking n never turn back around!

[thelostdisaster82]

https://relatablepoetryandquotes.tumblr.com/post/689481631923306496/well-maybe-it-started-that-way-as-a-dream-but

[thelostdisaster82]

The amount of Disrespect I can not fathom how it was last night! Your cruel and unusual punishment is beyond any words that come to mind! How can u say u "love me" after everything you said?

[thelostdisaster82]

10 posts!

[thelostdisaster82]

Everytime!! Fuck you , fuck ur skank whore u hide in our garage. I HATE u! I will fucking merl her ass the second I get my hands on her! I'm over u n ur games u wanna be a NO GOOD Peice of Shit Husband and Father then so be it.....But I am NOT sticking around and letting u destroy me over and over again! I'm DONE! Working on moving out so I can breathe without holding my breath or without having an anxiety attack! I deserve BETTER than YOU! Here's no no verbal communication to u! Enjoy! I refuse to allow you to make me feel like I don't want to wake up everyday most days I pray God to take me I maybe able to handle my own and fight when I need to or when I stick up for someone else but I have a big heart and u crush the pieces you already shattered a lil more everyday

[thelostdisaster82]

EVERY DAMN DAY! You break me down just a little bit more! U make me snap out why? I wake up happy and I'm a good mood and u purposely go out of ur way to piss me off and ruin my whole day! Everyday with you is like this! Nothing I can say hurts u but I hate u so I say that more than I don't bcuz I too want u to feel the pain u put on me the years of tears I've cried for and over you is more water than the Mississippi River! Make me understand how u could hurt someone who didn't have to stay and who stayed to raise your children with you from Dcfs when I hadn't even raised my own!! My life has been a chaotic tornado my whole life when I met u I thought that was my sign my way out...I was gonna finally have it family kids house dog .... I did everything from day one u asked me and I stayed when I should have left 10 years ago! I should have known then that if u would cheat on me with my own friend when I got us house to live in job and everything u asked and got clean that u didn't respect me then n you probably never would! But I fought myself bcuz I wanted it so bad! We had a couple good years but mostly bad...the hoarding and shopping is me trying to compensate for the lack of attention and affection from you! I give give give n u take take take! I left once and wish to God I had never came back bcuz u didn't appreciate me until I was gone! But I came home chose you and kids over my own happiness bcuz it's not fair to be selfish I spent many years as an addict selfish and hurt my older two beyond words took away years I was in prison I could never take back! I know that there's a reason God keeps putting all this fucked up shit in front of me to deal with tho I don't know the answer I'll just wait until he leads me on my next journey. Who hurt u so badly that I get the blunt of it everyday? Was it ur mom it was it ur dad? Anyone can stand on the outside n look I and see my reactions may be harsh and unfiltered to things not giving two fucks where we are yet urs is all said behind closed doors! No one gets to see that...am I an asshole yup am I a bitch yup am I cunt yup but one thing I am not and that is fake and idgaf who likes me and who doesn't anymore cuz I don't need friends or acquaintances who are fake all I need is peace and comfort when I close my eyes! I have no peace her none with you and none at this home! Yes it's paid off yes it's all urs to do with as u please I'm done! I'm done with all of this including us! U want to disrespect me go for it cuz no words are coming out of my mouth to speak to u. Pretend I'm dead n u Dk sign language. I hope when I walk out that door again I hope u can handle bills house and kids without me I hope u step up and be a dad cuz right now ur not anything and haven't been for years to any of us! Go sit and talk to god Rodney cuz heaven knows u need some advice before u destroy anything and everything u have left! I want to leave not hating u! I want to leave knowing that I can still come get kids n see them. No matter what they are 10000 percent my babies and have been and always will be!!if I have to go to court then by Goodness I will because I'm their mother blood or not they're mine I've been there! Seek some help! You asked me start taking my medicine n I did! Yet I feel like I'm living with Marsha all over again and my PTSD is starting to kick in with every remark u say every name every poke at me...it's not fair to either of us! I pray u find peace in ur heart to allow someone in and to forgive whomever hurt u bcuz it will never effect them either way but u it will always affect you and every relationship you ever have and no one will ever stay if you continue to be so mean and cold! Love is Patient, Love is Kind Love does not Envy! I will always love you and one day I will forgive you but it's not today! I hope I can go to sleep n tester this stupid day bcuz I mentally am checked out!

[thelostdisaster82]

Been an exhausting night..my head hurts my heart hurts mostly my mind hurts... too many thoughts to take in n sort thru.I need to let go but how after all these years?? How do I just go? How do I go without crushing the kids n my heart??