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theloveshackchronicles-blog · 8 years ago

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Grudges and Why You Should Let Them Go!

“It’s not about the person who wronged you. It’s about who you want to be” Holding grudges can be a full time job. In my family, we are so good at holding grudges and pretending as if you do not even exist. Believe me, I am not bragging about that. I don’t like that trait but it’s how I have learned to protect myself. That is until i researched ways to let things go. In the past, my mom and sister kept everyone around me on close radar. They used to tell me that my friends really weren’t my friends and to be careful. I used to think they were witches trying to ruin my fun all the time. Meanwhile, they were right 8 out of 10 instances. You should always be aware of the intentions of others to help avoid disappointment which in turn results in holding grudges. It can be cumbersome to filter everyone who comes into your life but it’s quite necessary. If you feel it in your gut that someone isn’t who they portray themselves to be….don’t invite them into your life. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If someone has wronged you and you haven’t had the opportunity to address it, you’re probably still carrying around the weight of feeling wronged. While, the wrong doer doesn’t even care or remember hurting you. That sounds so silly!!! Why hold onto something when you know you’re the only one who cares about it? First, don’t get back at anyone. Always be the bigger person and always smile! They hate that. Second, you don’t have to give them a piece of your mind. They don’t deserve that from you. Karma is real!! I have lived my own karma and have seen people live through theirs. Let the universe handle those kinds of people. Keep your heart pure and continue accepting those blessings you now have room to receive. You can’t receive more when you have an arsenal of ammunition that you’ll “maybe” get to use one day. There is not a soul that wanders this planet that can take your peace from you but you!!! Holding onto pain inflicted by another is in no way, shape or form healthy for you. Trying to have control over every situation is what prevents you from letting go. Once you understand that you can’t control all aspects of your life, the easier you’ll find letting shitty people just be shitty people. It’s not my job to fix or rectify shit they caused. The people who love and really know you will stand by you. They will defend you in times of need and will never put you in a position of questioning their intentions with you. My memory is great! I remember EVERYTHING!!! One of the reasons i connect with elephants so much (My babies) But from now on, I will be very careful with what i choose to keep as lasting memories. Nothing that anyone has ever done to me or said about me can bring me down from this high I am on. And i hope everyone can get to that level of self acceptance. You know you’re a great person. Focus on being the best version that YOU can be after all of this. Reflect on what you would do differently if faced with a similar circumstance in the future. I’d rather be suited with armor than ammunition! #highonlife #youdontmattertome

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theloveshackchronicles-blog · 8 years ago

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#relationshipgoals and how you could be ruining your relationship without knowing...

Who isn't a huge sucker for admiring those couples who seem so perfect?! As social media continues to climb into our laps as mainstream, daily content, we continue to lose hope in reality. But, I can't help but to think that we do it to ourselves.

In reality, good guys and good girls do exist. We have just been so occupied with admiring others that we fail to put effort into our own reality. We are also really good at sharing what we hate about other people but refuse to see those faults in ourselves. I am an enormous advocate for MATCHING YOUR STANDARDS. If you want specific traits AND/OR personality qualities in a person thennnnn... you should probably start working on reciprocating those standards also.

3 things I think will help... They helped me!

#1 STOP FRONTIN, B!IT IS WHAT IT IS!

YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE A PERSON WHO DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE. And girrrrrrl/ guyyyyyyyyy, I have had a few people in my life I thought I could change. "Like omg! You're close to 30, sell drugs, never had a job and attend monthly jail meetings... I LOVE YOU! I WILL FIX YOU!" That's not how it works, unfortunately. And 9 out of 10 times, the person with a history like that will cling onto a good woman for dear life. Why? Because serial fuck ups need a strong woman or man to clean up the mess they never learn from. Essentially, they wanna live their life while you figure out how to help them at all times. Don't fall into that trap... that is not love. It's glorified babysitting. FUCK OUTTA HERE!

I got off track with this one. But I am passionate about not wasting time. So before you start wasting time, just take a person for who they are the first time you see it for yourself. Kay?

#2 Focus on your own #relationshipgoals

If you decided that your significant other is worth the time and want to work collectively on making it the best relationship possible, then you have to stop living through the goals of others. For real! They aren't you and you aren't them. What are some things you want to see grow in your relationship?

If it's communication.... then set up moments you'll be forced to talk. Maybe offer to take your love to work and chat on the way in. Or suggest taking a walk without phones. Justin is the cook in our family so sometimes when he cooks, he just asks for me to sit with him and keep him company. We have really great talks around dinner time. We are also very green so our sessions are always a BIG factor in us staying communicated. We are over the silly high convos like "did you know the bushes and the clouds in Mario are the same just colored differently? ...... great fact but still not important to most relationships lmao" Think of something you both have in common and strengthen it. If ya'll both smoke weed or wuheva, then have therapy sessions. They're not only funny but...I am telling you...they work!

________________________________________________________________

You're with someone because they are unique and make you feel like no one else does. So why compare them to someone else?

And also, if you're still shopping around and checking for greener grass... then stop reading this because this content pertains to adults who want to work on what's existing.

#3 NOTHIN IS PERFECT!

Times get rough when you're in love. Emotions are heightened. Jealousy starts rearing its ugly head. Jealousy you didn't even know you had starts rising from the depths of hell. Girl, you discover things about yourself in a relationship you never knew! But if you can honestly reflect on yourself and let your pride go, sometimes you'll find perfection in the imperfect. If your attitude is always "YOU, YOU, YOU...NEVER ME" Then you'll never teach yourself to appreciate flaws. You'll never learn from what you grow from. And then you're just left with a "YES, MAN" Someone who fears disappointing you so all they do is tell you what you want to hear. The thought of having a man eat out of the palm of your hand regardless of what you throw at him seems lovely right? NOT! Shit gets old, real quick. I need to be put in my place and often. First of all, its sexy to me... smh and second of all, I AM NOT PERFECT. I AM NOT ALWAYS RIGHT and the man I love has every right to check me when need be. And I have to be ok with that. I can't run away every time things aren't so ideal. You're chasing nothing if you adopt this "I'm too good for this" attitude.

If you met a man and he wasn't shit then... then chances are they aren't shit now. But if you took a chance on a good person, then you must work very hard, every day to keep it special. Special to YOU!

I adore celebrity couples all. the. time. I see some real life couples and just gag over the cuteness they portray but I SWEAR to you that I have never wanted something someone else has. Never! Why? Simply because I am capable of having the same with just a tad bit of effort on my part. Its easy to want what others have because that involves zero effort. For you to actually have something worth living means you need to work hard for it. Plain and simple. So if you don't want to work hard for what you have or want then you don't deserve to have it.

I truly appreciate and treasure my relationship for many reasons. Being with him is a daily reminder of how much we have built thus far and how much more we have to conquer together. Through really good and really bad times, I will always value how much better of a person I am when I am with him. My only #relationshipgoal is to continue being the girl of his dreams.... for as long as he'll keep me.

Thank you for reading.

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theloveshackchronicles-blog · 8 years ago

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Baby #2... Terrifying?

As I mentioned in my first blog about depression and anxiety, a village raised my first born, Madden. We had so much help! Both grandma's were on board. My brother and sister were on top of it as far as being there for him when I had to work late hours or what have you. And for 6 years of his life, that's the way it's always been. No one ever complained or gave me a hard time about needing help because Madden is honestly the most easy going and chill kid to have as company. I never had to worry about leaving him with my family because they just adored him so much and everyone who loved me knew I was hustling. I rarely hung out or did things on the days I had my son unless it was work.

Our custody agreement was LIT! I would have Madden from Wednesday to Saturday at 5. So for a few years, I had the weekend off from being a mom in a way. If I wasn't working a weekend, I was out! I became really close with a family who welcomed me as their own. We lost touch over the years but I will never forget them. We partied every Saturday night! We took river trips in the summer and literally had adventures every chance we could. It was so dope that I could still enjoy my life although I was a mom. Everyone made it seem like your life would be over once you had a kid but divorce and custody didn't mark that as true for my situation. If I was dating someone or "talking" to someone, they knew that wed-sat was off limits. Don't ask to see me. Don't ask to meet my son. You can't even come into my apartment. Because the man of that place is my son. For the most part, they respected that because.... um how can you not?

Madden and mommy....my sidekick... my protector...my FRED! I swore I couldn't share that love with anyone else. Madden molded me into the woman I am. He and I grew together and made life discoveries together. Him and I have an amazing bond. People feel it right away when they are near us. He's truly the better part of who I am. The best part!!

Time passes, I move back home with my mom. I had major goals to reach starting the winter of 2015. That is when I started therapy and shaved all my fucking hair off like a lunatic. I had big plans to turn over a new leaf and my mother was so cool about me coming back. She wanted me to save all my chickens and get me enrolled in a first time homebuyer program. She also encouraged me to get back into school (sounded good but we all know I hate school so suck it lol) I was feeling on top of the world and my new platinum buzz cut made me feel like a super human. People would just stare at me...ALL...THE...TIME.

A little while after the New Year, 2016 is when I rekindled my relationship with my now Fiancé, Justin. We had been together for 3 years prior to our reconnection. Broke up for 3 and then out of literally NOWHERE... I get a private message from him. I won't write what he said verbatim because I like some memories of us to be private. But lets just say my heart dropped to the ground. I thought he had forgotten about me. We were so amazing together the first time around but a lot of circumstances surrounding us weren't very ideal. We would find ourselves fighting constantly. Then family issues got out of hand so I was like "I am done, I need to focus on me and my son" and for 3 years we left each other alone.

After reading his message, I thought "why not?" After the first time we hung out, all we wanted to do was see each other. We quickly connected as if no time had passed. Plus, I started seeing such amazing growth in him that was so attractive. I fell in love all over again. He encouraged me to start photography as a hobby. So I did and thank him for pushing me because my camera is so special to us now. JC... back at it!!!

In April, I go on a Miami trip with my mom and sister for my mothers 60th Birthday! I was suchhhhhh a bitchhhhhhh on that vacation. I couldn't eat. Well let me rephrase. I couldn't eat meat! The smell, the texture, the preparation would make me soooooooo fucking sick! My mom made me a sandwich with ham and I almost cut her face off. I would get dizzy spells and needed to throw up every hour. Welp...... that was the start of my parasite, Baby Ace lmao!! I thought maybe I had gotten food poisoning or maybe the big yellow python I had around my neck earlier gave me some snake flu? Fuck, I didn't know what was up.

From April to December when Ace was born, I was the worst person to be around. I cut off my best friend in the entire world because I felt she hated me pregnant, I stayed in my home the entire time because I was always so sick and embarrassed from puking in public. I was so paranoid and thought my family was mad that I was going to have another baby and felt like they all thought it was too soon. It was ALL in my head because everyone was so cool about it. It was me who had this guilty feeling like why would I do this again? Especially after having such a calm pregnancy with Madden to this fucking horror scene every day? Ughhhhhh... my skin was gross, my hair looked like a chia pet and I didn't feel sexy or pretty anymore. This time around was horrible. It made Justin and I dislike each other very much for a while. But I couldn't help it. I was panicking. (We also had to endure a lot of BULLSHIT while I was pregnant and even some time after the baby was born BUT I will not get into that.... I am still very upset about it) Let's just say... FAMILY can be CRUEL!! That's all I can say. CRUEL!

Annnnyway!!!! I had a lot of worry and for good reason. Worry plus hormones... you do the math! I was not ok. Justin and I busted ass to prepare for our boy. We didn't want a baby shower because we literally started buying shit the day we found out. Target was at our doorstep every day for about 3 months. Like I said earlier, I felt like everyone was against us so I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by making them buy me a gift and come to my baby shower. We had it covered. But we were convinced to have one against our wishes and then left to plan it ourselves. (rolls eyes... exactly what we wanted to avoid) but we did it and glad we did because we got to see close past friends we hadn't seen in a while and even some family came by to show love and support which is ALWAYS WONDERFUL. Our theme was "Let Love Grow" We had started our garden that summer as a trial run for the large one we had planned for the Spring after Ace was born. We had big plans to plant, grow and make our own baby food. So Let Love Grow was perfect! We gave out little cacti and succulents as Thank You favors. I thought it was so cute! Some of our friends still have those cacti. I am proud of those who kept them alive because I am no good at keeping plants alive. Good for you guys!!!

I "nested" for monthhhs lol! My nerves for starting over again were insane!!! I felt like I was new at this. It had been almost 8 years since having a baby. All the baby items changed. Everything that was once safe in 2009 is now banned and no longer safe or proper for a child. I couldn't just get back on the bike. There was a whole new parenting curriculum to adhere to and I was not prepared. I just didn't want to fail. I wanted to do everything right. I wanted to give my all. I wanted to have all my bases covered. And drove myself crazy trying to get there. I still ain't there. In fact, parenting comes and goes day by day. Yes, being a new mother was terrifying but after I realized that I cannot control everything that happens and decided to let the universe guide me, I was able to relax. Justin is one hell of a father too. He is always there. He is always coming up with ways to make things easier for us. And Ace is obsessed with dada.

Unlike parenting Madden, I am with Ace all the time. We as a family are with each other all the time. There is nothing more fulfilling than having my boys with me and being the mom I am to them. I love making my home comfy and warm for my loves. I LOVE being their mommy and I LOVE being a wife.

My life is far from over. I thank God because I feel like it has just begun.

If you're childless and wondering if you should have a kid. Think about where you're at mentally. Not age wise. Don't put a time clock on it. Be realistic with who YOU are. If you're still in your selfish stage, don't have a kid. It will be a burden to you if you can't balance out your personal life and your home life.(they're two totally different things so always remember that)

If you're pregnant for the first time and scared, I promise you...it's ok! Your little human was made FOR YOU! There is nothing that kid can do that you aren't designed to handle, baby!

And if your destiny doesn't include kids, that's fine too! I know it plays with your heart when you see all these pregnant friends and celebs on your social media accounts. I swear, after I had baby number two is when the baby boom took offfffff! I didn't think people wanted to raise kids in this nasty world but boy was I wrong. I SEE PREGO'S everywhere lol! Congrats to any expecting moms or dads who are reading this by the way!!! But if your world is ok without kids, that doesn't make you less of a woman. It doesn't make you cold or selfish. Its all good to not want kids. I'm sure there are some kids in your world who love you and cant wait for your visits. Trust me, you matter to some kid out there! You will have an impact on our future. Just in a different way. That's all.

Baby boy turns 1 on the 22nd and his birthday party is tomorrow. I am so emotional because this year flew by for me. Daddy doesn't think so but I feel like I was just pregnant and miserable yesterday. I feel as though my little boy shot up before my very eyes. He has a smile full of teeth. He walks like a champ and even tries to talk to us. Its going too quickly for my little heart to catch up. I will be a wreck tomorrow because this year has been a mix of such scary, loving, exciting, stressful and eye opening experiences I have ever had!!! I have changed so much. My life is soooo different now and I just thank God for giving me another chance.

To Madden and Ace,

I promise to be your guiding star and your soft spot to land when times are great and when times are not so great. I promise to love you for all that you are and for all that you will be. You boys are the highlight of all my days and the constant dream in all my nights. You're both so special to me and I thank you for saving me. I thank God for picking me for you two. I love you boys more than life itself. I love you guys more than there are stars in the galaxy. I love your smiles and your laughter. I love how silly you both are because I KNOW I AM YOUR MOMMY when you do weird shit. I love when you hear music and start to dance. I love when you don't feel so well and look for me and my love more than usual. I love your eyes, your skin and your hair. Your smell! Gosh, motherhood is the most special thing I can call mine!

-it's SCARY but it's WORTH IT

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theloveshackchronicles-blog · 8 years ago

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How I Deal With Stress

Statistics show an astronomical percentage of how many moms find their lives stressful. I believe 96% of women feel they are far more stressed than their mothers were when raising them. New age. New problems. Right?

I don't know about you! But, 2017 came equipped with many stressors! MANY! Now with the New Year quickly approaching, I have come up with small ways of tackling my stressors before they attack me. Maybe they will be some help to you:

1: Recognize your signs of stress-Your body will warn you that it's reaching levels of stress before you actually can say "wow, I am stressed" For example, my body will get irritable relatively quicker than it would normally. I catch myself snapping back at people who don't deserve it. My blood pressure feels a little higher than normal around times of stress. I also get very shaky and tend not to eat as much... if at all. When I see the first signs of loss of appetite, that's when I know I am too stressed and need to chill out.

2: Take Breaks/ Naps: I LOVE sleep... I love lamp...jk. But sleep and I go way back! Being a new mom meant those naps and sleeping in on the weekends were over! I wake up really early to get to work so after a while, my body adjusted to lack of sleep. But it catches up, man!! ESPECIALLY when you're so used to being a heavy and long sleeper. I noticed that by Thursday of each week, my body has had enough. Wednesdays, I usually try to take it easy after work. We do a light dinner so there won't be as much prep or clean up. I'll even squeeze in a nap while my youngest takes his typical 2 hour afternoon nap. But either way..nap or not, I give myself a day a week to just move a little slower. I don't try to complete deadlines. I don't schedule food shopping or hanging out on those days. I like to call these my "After Work Mental Health Days" And once your husband sees improvement in your attitude, he won't be such a jerk about letting you nap sometimes ;-)

3:BREATHE!!!!!: OMG! When stressors are high, I literally forget to breathe. Like during child birth! I would just hold my breath and hope to die hahahaha. But seriously, you must focus on steady breathing when you're gonna lose your shit. It helps all the blood flow through your body and allows that oxygen to get to your brain and allow you to make clear judgments. You ever see someone so mad that their face is red like the angry emoji? That's because he or she isn't breathing. They are so stressed and angry that all the blood is rushing to their head and literally clouding their ability to be rational. Don't be the angry emoji. Just breathe!

4: Laugh!: Laughter is therapy. We all know that. Make sure you have a friend or relative who can make you smile from time to time. Or at home, put on classic funny movies that you and your family can all enjoy. We are movie critics at home and have quite the extensive DVD library so far. Playing a funny movie in the background while you prepare dinner can help distract your mind from all the bull crap it had to sustain all day. I also YouTube funny videos of people falling on ice (because I am that person who falls on ice)

5: Get SEXY and drink water!: Stress makes me feel so unattractive. Because I "have no time", I tend to take less care of myself. I will wear hats instead of doing my hair. I'll wear hoodies to avoid ironing a blouse. There just isn't time damnit!!!!!!! But find some! You don't have to be fleeky all day,every day. Come on! But, you don't have to represent your circumstance either. I hate the whole "are you okay" whenever I don't look the part. Like damn, am I really showing in my appearance how shitty my life is right now? When you're feeling a little stress, wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual so you can straighten your hair or apply eye shadow to your makeup. When you look good, you feel good. Freshly shaven legs always do it for me. I really feel like I have my life together when my legs are soft ;-) My skin also looks grey when I am stressed. IDK why. It always has a green hue to it lol. Consuming water regularly helps maintain your glow!

6: Write lists: Get in the habit of carrying a journal or having a dry erase board at home. Some place where you can write things down on thought. I am forgetful as all hell and don't always use my phone for notes or calendars. I have not yet adjusted to tech life in that way. I like to use really nice, smooth writing pens. I like to physically write. It releases some of my nervous energy. It's also pretty cool when you read back on some of your entries and can see for yourself how much you've grown.

7: Talk!!!!!: My problem with stress is shutting down and not accepting help. It causes soooo much unnecessary hardship on your relationship when you do that. Speak up. When you feel those stressors, tell your lover that you're sorry if you've been a little off. You just have a lot going on and need some extra help this month. More likely than not, the person will appreciate you giving them the heads up and will be more willing to help relieve some stress. When you're walking around kicking shit, mumbling under your breath and being just plain obnoxious for attention don't get butt hurt when nothing changes. When he asks "what's wrong" and you say "nothing"... DO NOT get upset when he doesn't try to fix it. Our men are not mind readers. And sometimes we need to just say hey, its not you, its me! I have gotten really comfortable with my love. I'll tell him straight up. " I am getting my period and my emotions are not normal. If I seem a little on the bitchy side, I am sorry' It works better than the alternative. He also keeps track of my menstrual so that he can prepare himself for cry baby, Christine. Or impatient Christine. It helps being with someone who is willing to try anything to help you. I do the same for him. Nothing changes if nothing changes!

8: Take it day by day! Take your time. Stop putting so much on your plate. You are already super mom, super wife, super employee. You do it all! But it ALL doesn't have to be done right now! Set up a schedule for yourself. Sometimes I take an hour or two and pretend to be my own personal assistant. I schedule appointments and plan things (in my journal) and make minor tweaks here and there as things change (they're always fucking changing) So don't kill yourself trying to make things perfect! Slow and steady wins the race!

9: Spend time with your kids! : Kids are so damn awesome!! I have always loved kids for their innocence and ability to make fun out of nothing!! Me dancing to warm up after being outside in the cold is funny to my kids! As easy as making a fool out of myself for my kids can bring them a smile which in turn warms me up inside. Watching my boys use their imagination puts me in my place. Stop being so literal. Observing my kids play and seeing them look up at me to confirm I am still there makes me realize how much I am needed and wanted.

10: Have faith in something: I won't get Godly. I won't even ask you to pray. But believe in something better than yourself. Give thanks for your good health, your job, your family. Always remain humble and grateful.

I hope these tips can help you find some daily relief!

#stress help communication

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theloveshackchronicles-blog · 8 years ago

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The most intimate thing we can do is to allow people we love most to see us at our worst. At our lowest. At our weakest. True intimacy happens when nothing is perfect.

Amy Harmon (via lovelustquotes)

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theloveshackchronicles-blog · 8 years ago

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Journaling! If you don’t have a little place where you can jot down thoughts and ideas then i highly recommend you secure one!

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theloveshackchronicles-blog · 8 years ago

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Coping with Depression:

Battling depression is a full time job. In order to keep it from damaging anything going well for you, you must take action. Lets face it, no one likes to be around someone who is always down, complaining, negative and just plain drab. But the person dealing with these issues does NOT do this on purpose. Sometimes, the person battling depression is not aware of how much their depressive behavior effects others.

I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety as a young teenager. After my mom and dad split up and we moved to New York, my whole life changed. I went from living a calm, country life in Pennsylvania to living in a high paced and diverse life in New York. I'll never forget our move here and the strength I witnessed my mother obtain out of the clear blue. She knew no other way of life without my father. We started out with NOTHING! We had some clothes, photo albums and a few other things to get us started but for the most part, our mom had to work so hard to give us our life back. The life we all so desperately deserved.

Here we were. My mom, my sister and I living in a one bedroom apartment that we converted into a two bedroom (my mother has great interior and organizing skills) My sister got the private room as she was the older teenager who needed her space and privacy. And for years, my mom and I were roommates and shared the converted bedroom. We had so little but I was the happiest I had ever been. I started to see my mom flower into this beast of a woman. She gained her confidence back and began socializing and building friendships. We joined a community church where I found myself spending all my time. I sang in the choir and did bible groups with the teen ministry. I was so into it, that I received perfect attendance two years in a row. I enjoyed church more than school...sadly.... I DID NOT LIKE SCHOOL!

Little by little, things started looking up for us. Occasionally, my mom would allow me to spend weekends with my dad. And if you know me, you know that I grew up as daddy's little girl. I was my fathers pride and joy. But after my parents split and I learned why... I didn't really like spending time with my father. I had created this alliance against him because obviously I attached myself to my mother and related to her more and more as the years progressed. Each time I went to stay with my dad, I would get terribly sick with a high fever and would be in bed the entire time. He would try to cheer me up by taking me shopping for clothes or letting me visit my cousins on his side of the family. But my nerves were so bad and I almost felt like I was betraying my mother and would literally make myself get sick with worry. I never had the courage to express why I was so nervous. He was my dad! I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I would rather stay up crying all night, missing my mom than to ever admit that I had looked at my father differently. I think at this point is when I learned to swallow my problems. My problems were a "burden" in my mind. I became the perfect child. I always cleaned and made sure things were organized and sanitized in our home. I got my first job and started contributing to food costs and bills. I became a young woman very quickly. I accepted responsibility without a question.

During this time, my sister had my nephews... my first loves... my twins. I was 14 when they were born. At this time, my dad moved closer to us and my parents tried working things out. My sister had a very high risk pregnancy and required medical attention in a hospital about an hour away. My parents stayed with her day in and day out while I was home and went to school. I never had so much freedom... ever! I took full advantage of my sister absorbing my parents attention. This is when I became a little less perfect and decided to test my boundaries. My first act of rebellion was when I let my best friends step mom frost my virgin hair!!! My mom had a fit!! How dare I BLEACH MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR without permission!!!! It wasn't like me to make decisions like that without consulting mom. Disappointing my mother was my worst fear... but at 14.... you wasn't tellin me shit!! My hair was bleached and my eyebrows.....holy shit my eyebrows were hideous! But I thought I was the SHIT. LOL! I started becoming involved in expensive fashion and started quite the sneaker collection too. I had a stupid boyfriend also (rolls eyes) If you'd even like to call it that. I wasn't allowed to date. So my relationship was hidden and solely a phone relationship. I never saw this stupid boy. He was a bad boy. He smoked lots of weed. I did not. He smoked cigarettes. I did not. He dropped out of school. I wouldn't dare. We were opposite people but he was popular and liked me so why not? Well here's why not. Those bad boys want sex! And girl, you're a Puerto Rican virgin. With a Puerto Rican father who wouldn't think twice about going to prison for killing some hoodlum. Plus, my sister just became a teen mom! NO SEX!! I FEARED SEX!!!! So, because I didn't put out, my stupid boyfriend found other girls who would. Girls with nicer bodies and girls with parents who let them sleep over their boyfriends houses. UMMMM. NO. NOT IN THE CORDERO RESIDENCE. But this jerk wouldn't let me go. He wanted me to be this good girl who waited for his phone call when he got home from his side girls house. That got so old. I felt so insecure. Like what if I just have sex? What if I just see if it works out and he'll stop talking to other girls. But i never gave in. I never let him get the privilege of taking something so dear to me. I let his ass go. I didn't want to feel useless anymore. I didn't want to be second best. He made me feel like I was not worth having something really special. He had to go. I didn't realize that he created a monster. All I craved was the right attention from a good guy. I wanted to hurry up and get married. I wanted a family and I wanted to get the fuck out of my parents house. So I met a man. A man from a wholesome family. He had a career and plenty of money to spoil me with. He drove sick cars and took me on many vacations. This is what I deserved!!!! Or so I thought. Fast forward a few years and this man became my husband. He was my first everything!!! He showed me what it was like to have good work ethic, how to budget money... basically... he taught me how to be an adult. We got married when I was 20.... a few months after my father passed away. My father loved my fiancé. He loved that he didn't have to worry about me anymore. He trusted this man with his daughter. Life was good and I felt like I was doing right by the number 1 man in my life. What I didn't know is what kind of person I would become after losing such a close part of my life to death. Grieving isn't easy for anyone. And for me, I don't think I'll ever be ok with saying my father is gone. The tiny line of depression I once had as a young teen blew up to be the most overwhelming depression for a young adult.

For months, I pretended as if the death of my father didn't exist. I went through with a wedding and marriage that I was not fully emotionally invested in. I became a mother the same year. And for a little while.... I felt heaven. My first born entered my life. Everyone was soooooo excited for Madden. My goodness he was and is still so loved. He made my life so beautiful. I sort of replaced an emptiness I had from losing my dad. Nothing was better than being a mom. NOTHING!! Time passed and while I battled some post-partum depression... things weren't so bad.

But then... the emptiness started coming back. Nothing made me happy. I couldn't get out of bed. I would party all weekend and not come home sometimes. I had zero respect for my marriage. I didn't want to be married anymore. And who was I going to disappoint? The only person I worried about failing is gone!!! I had built a wall of indestructible material. After 3 years of being married and now having a two year old, my husband and I divorced. The story behind that is a whole notha novella.

We didn't always see eye to eye after the divorce and it took us a few years to adjust to co-parenting but we are great now. We have learned how to raise our son without allowing the courts to decide our destiny. We do a better job co-parenting than we ever did as a couple. So although this was bitter, things have gotten 10000 times better. That part I am grateful for. The in between times though... they were rough. I didn't want any money from my ex. I just wanted to be out of the relationship so I didn't take him for money or child support. I just wanted out!! But that meant.... starting from scratch... again. Survival mode is really all I know. And when things are good and calm, my depression and anxiety have a way of sabotaging the good things around me. Then... survival mode kicks in. I am more comfortable in my chaos than my solitude. That,my friend is anxiety!!

From the age of 12 to the amazing age of 30.... all I have done is survive. I have mastered the art of "figuring it out" And if you can imagine.... when you're always figuring it out, there is no time for friendships. There's barely time to think! I was growing at a pace that other girls my age knew nothing about. I did a good job at making it look easy too. But it wasn't! People who I thought were close to me became sooo two-faced and would tell other people things I had confided in them with. Deep secrets and "tea" you thought you could trust friends with. WRONG! I felt like I was always clearing up fires of gossip that involved me but wasn't even true! I found myself explaining myself for no reason to people who held no real substance to my life. I can say that I learned a lot about not only myself but about how awful other can be.

That's when I started to fade out and meet new people and start new adventures. I worked two jobs at all times and on the off times, I spent all my time with my son. Work and being a mother was all I needed and cared about. People would make comments like "you're a bad mother because you don't have your son all the time" GASPS.... why does that make me a bad mother? My son has a father. A father who wants to be there. A father who can provide love and shelter. A father who is present! Why would I take that from my son for my own selfishness? Yes, I WANTED MY SON EVERYDAY. but it wasn't about me!! I had to do what was right for my son. I could have been selfish and been this single mom who does it alone but I didn't choose that life for myself. I chose to have a child with a great man. And I will never regret my decision to split my time with his father. And shame on anyone who makes mothers feel bad for actually putting their feelings aside for the betterment of their child. Its bad enough that you have to make a decision to spilt your family. But to act like you did it alone is fucking stupid! I didn't do it alone and I have the support. And Madden turned out to be an incredible young man!! Not because his parents are fuck ups.

A lot has happened in my life since then. I rekindled a relationship with the love of my life and we had our first child together. We are two AMAZING parents if I do say so myself. Our family is so strong and so focused on love and acceptance that I can now confidently leave depression behind me. Some days are still really really hard. Some days I just want to give up on my relationship. Some days I wonder how I am even going to make it to the next day without checking into an institution of some sort but my support system is unlike any other. I have friends. I have imperfect friends. Friends who check on me but don't require tons of attention. Friends who understand what its like to be spread way too thin. MOMMY FRIENDS WHO ARE THE BEST MOMS EVER!!

The best thing I have gotten from depression is admitting that I am a depressed person. I stopped hiding it. I went to therapy and gained trust in people again. That wall came down a little bit. I want to give partial credit to my age and reaching that level of "fuck it" but mostly the credit goes to learning that life is so unpredictable. People die. People you LOVE SO MUCH! People lie! They cheat!

The lesson I learned is to accept the little, not so perfect things about myself in a way that doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life. My intensions throughout my uncertainty were never malicious. My behavior was only a cry for help and attention. Not knowing that the attention I needed was from myself. To love and care for myself the way I would want a man to. And to stop living my life for others. To speak up when uncomfortable. To love without boundaries or reservations. To allow someone to love me the way i deserve to be loved. To grow amidst such pain and chaos. Depression and anxiety are designed to make you hate yourself.... but you... you are so special. You are so beautiful and so worthy of all the great things you want and WILL GET!!. Talk to someone who cares. Reach out in times you don't always feel so good about decisions of your life.

YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN ME!!

-recovering

#depression beauty overcome love

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